Alternate endings to classic jokes

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mother superior walks past the nun's dormitory, "Candles out, girls" she calls, at which they all lean over, blow out their burning candles and have a great night's sleep. (Another Bernard Righton)

― Alan Trewartha, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

A guy was driving through the countryside one evening and his car stalled. The only building around for miles was a monastery, so he went inside and asked the head monk if he could stay the night. They gave him a room and later that night he was awakened by a strange noise. The next morning he asked the head monk what it was, and the reply was, "I can't tell you, you're not a monk." So he shrugged and asked for a nickel to call a tow truck.

― Justyn Dillingham, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A: His scrotum.

― Billy Dods, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex is when the genitals of one partner are stimulated by the mouth of the other. Anal sex is intercourse using the anus.

― Billy Dods, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

What's the only type of wood that can't float?
Mahogany.

― Dom Passantino, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Did you hear about the gay musician?
He suffered unfair discrimination because of his choice of lifestyle and successfully sued his employers at an industrial tribunal.

― Dom Passantino, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Here's one for all the rockers out there:

My wife went to the West Indies.

Jamaica?

Nobody's Fault But Mine.

― PJ Miller, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

[can we have a companion thread with all the correct answers for idiots like me?]

― michael, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

My wife joined a 90s funk band with a twat of a vocalist in a stupid hat.
- Jamiraquai?
No, she went of her own accord.

[not a sensible answer, but still worth a re-post here i feel]

― Alan Trewartha, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

What have Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo got in common?
They were both highly regarded in their respective fields before their untimely deaths.

― Dom Passantino, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

What time the the Chinese man go to the dentist?

At about ten in the morning. His appointment was for 9:45 but the dentist was delayed.

― Pete, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

(Sorry, but is this a different joke from the one I know? Why does the man have to be Chinese? Are you some kind of racialist Pete? I thought the answer was two thirty / tooth hurty which doesn't really require a 'comedy' accent to work.)

― Emma, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Knock knock!

Who's there?

A man with no arms!

What are you knocking with then?

Wouldn't you like to know!

― jel --, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

(er didn't read the original question!)

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Unfortunate.

― jel --, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

My wife's gone on holiday!

Jakarta?

Yes, she's having a wonderful time, I got a postcard this morning, look at the interesting stamp.

― jel --, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

My wife watches Saudi television.

Al Jazeera?

No, I'm deaf.

― PJ Miller, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

I went to the doctor this morning, and he told me I had acute angina. I was quite worried as that's rather serious.

― Dom Passantino, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of (Chinese) curtains.

Hmm, I think I should refer you to a psychologist.

― Pete, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Doctor Doctor I feel like a bridge!

I'm a newsagent not a doctor!

― jel --, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

What have David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher got in common?
Neither of them have cooties.

― Dom Passantino, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Steve

― jel --, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

What do you call a man with no arms and legs out at sea?

In serious danger of drowning. Someone should call the lifeguard immediately. or Steve.

― Ellie, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Why did the boy throw the clock out of the window?

Because he's a destructive little sod, that's why. Now, in my day kids were well-behaved, spoke only when they were spoken to, etc. etc.

― Jeff W, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. It was early morning and I hadn't time to change into proper safari wear. I remember thinking "maybe I should a robe on, but if I do the elephant might get away", so I didn't. Funnily enough, for breakfast I had a poached egg.

― lawrence kansas, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

*put* robe on

― lawrence kansas, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

What's the difference between a bra and the French football team? One is obviously a collective name for a squad of 23 individuals, whilst the other is an undergarment.

― Nathan Barley, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

I'd like to change my "Peter" punchline to "Steve".

― Dan Perry, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

(opps really sorry dan, I guess I am guilty of getting carried away with posting whilst not reading through fear of getting caught not doing any work. i feel bad)

― jel --, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator. After a brief argument with the bartender about bringing pets into his establishment, he makes a bet with everyone at the bar that he can safely put his genitals in the alligator's mouth. After another argument about the state's obscenity laws, several people take him up on his bet. He drops trou, the alligator opens its mouth, and the man places is manhood inside. Suddenly, the alligator slams its jaw shut, severing the man's penis. The man falls to the ground whimpering in pain and, while the bartender frantically dials 911 and a nearby patron valiantly applies direct pressure, the rest of the patrons point and laugh, shouting, "PAY UP, DUMBASS!"

― Dan Perry, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

(jel, don't feel bad; I think tying our jokes together as a series increases the overall level of funny.)

― Dan Perry, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

My son comes up to me with some dog shit in his hand and says "I think this could hold the answer to our nation's energy crisis."

― Tracer Hand, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

My dog's got no nose

Oh Christ that's disgusting, look at the gaping mess where your dog's face used to be. Anyone with half an ounce of sense would run like the wind from that blood-faced freak. God that's horrible.

― Matt, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Q: What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A: If you didn't ask permission first, a lot of trouble from the authorities and the mining company.

― Colin Meeder, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Q: What do you call a deaf guy who hangs around musicians? A. Ludwig van Beethoven. Or Steve.

― Colin Meeder, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? Only one is a human being (possibly named Steve).

― Jeff W, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it could.

― jel --, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Why did the beach blush?

This is due to a rare solar phenomenom, whereby at sunset on a partly clouldy day a beach will take on a rosey glow, leading to tales of a beach blushing.

― jel --, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

knock, knock.

who's there?

Amos.

Amos who?

Amos your boyfriend you idiot, let me in, i've forgotten my keys!

― katie, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Scott
Scott who?
Scott just bit me! Ouch!

― MarkH, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Why won't you starve in the desert?

I'm assuming you have bought along a large supply of food - otherwise sustinence is often hard to come by in the infertile sandy terrain.

― Pete, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

what goes ninety-nine plonk, ninety-nine plonk?
Somebody consuming ice creams with flakes and cheap wine alternately.

― MarkH, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

eater at restaurant: waiter waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
waiter: well, we could get you another bowl, but our chef will inevitably have spat in it.

btw this thread is BEST THREAD EVER!

― queenoftheharpies, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Q. What was the woman doing out of the house?
A. She was at work, banging her head against the glass ceiling.

― queenoftheharpies, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Claire

― jel --, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A. I don't know, I've never met one.

― queenoftheharpies, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

knock knock!
who's there?
doctor
doctor who?
no, your GP you dork.

― queenoftheharpies, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

knock knock!
who's there?
police
police who?
sting and his bandmates.

knock knock
who's there?
irish stew
irish stew who?
thats my full name. i have wierd parents.

― queenoftheharpies, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Why do women have small feet?
Well, mainly because their bodies are smaller anyway, and large feet on them would just look ridiculous.

― Dom Passantino, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

what do you call a man with half a brain?

well, dead quite probably or at the very least severely brain-damaged!

― katie, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

Q. where do you weigh whales?
A. on a very big pair of scales.

― queenoftheharpies, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

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