how to take a poop at work.

Black pants blow-out = the mainstream young lady's office uniform. Unexceptional in all ways: black pants, black shoes, few accessories (very modest ones, possibly a silver Elsa Peretti necklace from her parents), blow-dried hair, unobtrusive but always acceptable. Not too stylish, but with just enough expenditure showing.

Conversation I just had with my friend Kevin:

me: Kevin, do you poop at work?
kevin: Heck yeah I do. Pooping at work is fantastic.
me: Why?
kevin: Because it takes up time I'd otherwise have to spend working. Make an event out of it and don't do it at home so I can save up my morning shit. I even print out some reading material and take it in there with me. It's awesome.

He did admit to waiting until he's the only one in the bathroom until leaving. So I guess he's kind of an out of the closet pooper. In any event, he's my hero.

The teachers and staff of my high schools liked me so I was able to use their bathroom for most of a year until one nasty teacher put the kibosh on it. Then I had a serious stomach issue in the middle of the day and had to use the fucking students bathroom. Where the stalls had *no doors.*

Still not as bad as one school I went to where the toilets didn't have stalls separating them--just 3 toilets in a line. Grrr.

Still not as bad as one school I went to where the toilets didn't have stalls separating them--just 3 toilets in a line. Grrr.

Inhuman!

kevin: Because it takes up time I'd otherwise have to spend working. Make an event out of it and don't do it at home so I can save up my morning shit. I even print out some reading material and take it in there with me. It's awesome.

^^^ 4-4-2

thanks laurel. i thought it might be that but the blow-out part threw me off.

So have any of you GIS "2 girls and a cup" yet?

I wonder what the record for "longest ass-wiping duration" is. my record has to be 45 minutes

Did you get a chapped anus?

I got splinters...damn pine cones

okay, no

Be a man, use your hand, Bo.

I used smooth rocks when I lived in Wyoming. Best wipes ever.

Aspen leaves on all my camping trips. Resourceful...?

JW unless your hand is made of smooth rocks, you are not a Man according to the above couplet.

I use my shit to wipe. Is that man enough?

doesn't that just mash it in there more?

Not if you dry it out first.

the Chimay ale is about to come back out of my mouth in heaves

PP wins.

huh huh, you said peepee

how about on a cruise ship?

I had to do that this weekend (or else wait 3 days) and found due to the faulty vaccuum flushing that bits of the....material were still lodged in the toilet. took about 12 flushes to fix

Starboard ho, DUH!

haha!

captain's log

make a sailor flush

port'a'loo

yadda yadda poopdeck, something about starfish, tenous davey jones' shitter reference.

cul breach

make sure you only lay floaters

Coem on, guys. Everybody poops.

I'm wipe-shy, though. Big time. Can't do it if another human being is sitting a mere three feet from where I'm about to stick paper up my butt.

Correct Procedures:

1. Check whether cutty is squirming in his chair, has his legs crossed, or displays other signs of an impending trip to the restroom.
2. If not, return to cube. Wait 5 minutes and go to step 1.
3. Grunt like you've got a Coke bottle in yr colon.
4. Fart loudly enough for the vibrations to be felt in the restroom of the other gender.
5. Emit copious quantities of noxious gases. This step and steps 3 and 4 may be combined into a single step, if needed.
6. Deliver product.
7. Allow product to ripen for 5-10 minutes. No "courtesy flushes", please!
8. Wipe, flush, wash, and exit.
9. Stride quickly back to cube w/o swinging arms.
10. If cutty isn't in the restroom, thump him heartily on the back and call him a "bro".

memories.

I used smooth rocks when I lived in Wyoming. Best wipes ever.

Either JW was a mountain man or he had the coolest collection of brown rocks out his back door.

a recent correspondence:

4:42pm
I just went into the bathroom behind this lady and we each went into a stall...right away she started farting and going "ahh" and it was ME that was embarrassed...i couldn't pee for like 2 mintues after that and snuck out as quick as I could.

5:02pm
hahahah i was going to mention that to you, actually. that always happens where i'll be at the urinal and some guy who i've exchanged polite smiles with in the hall will go into a stall and just start BLASTIN! like.. i know there's a 1 inch thick half-door between us but guess what i CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU DIRTBAG. wait 2 seconds and you can have the place to yourself to indulge all your various farting delights.

5:03pm
also: "ahhs"? really?? god

I refuse to even take a leak in the bathrooms at work if I see one stall door closed. For whatever reason, maybe the people all have the same bad diet, maybe they don't courtesy flush or what...but I always smell a shit cloud even as far away as the urinals are and sometimes its made me close to vomit in the urinal. Holding ones nose while peeing isn't as easy as it sounds either.

ppl texting on the shitter: this is rong

its not like the scent bonds to the text message

>(more pooping tips below!)

Conversation I just had with my friend Kevin:

me: Kevin, do you poop at work?
kevin: Heck yeah I do. Pooping at work is fantastic.
me: Why?
kevin: Because it takes up time I'd otherwise have to spend working. Make an event out of it and don't do it at home so I can save up my morning shit. I even print out some reading material and take it in there with me. It's awesome.

He did admit to waiting until he's the only one in the bathroom until leaving. So I guess he's kind of an out of the closet pooper. In any event, he's my hero.

― ENBB, Sunday, November 25, 2007 10:24 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark

This is till one of my favorite conversations he and I have ever had.

Also, people have hangups my God!

i CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU DIRTBAG. wait 2 seconds and you can have the place to yourself to indulge all your various farting delights.

wtf! like it is other people's responsibilities to back up their gastrointestinal systems in order to spare you hearing it? it's a public bathroom for christ's sake!

this thread makes me feel like Tuomas

Use ear- and nosebuds, listen- and smellbag.

wtf! like it is other people's responsibilities to back up their gastrointestinal systems in order to spare you hearing it? it's a public bathroom for christ's sake!

― Tracer Hand, Monday, June 22, 2009 3:00 AM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

srsly!

what's wrong with texting while you poop?

You'll be wiping your 455 with that hand, ew!

shext

shext ha. well, my reaction is that shitting at work is ok if you hafta, as taking care of one's necessities is just life and if youre sanitary its all good. but i guess shexting is my hangup then, i dont wanna borrow anyones shexting device

its good, resume shposting

when Cherry phones become Chocolate

Ok, dude at work just brought an open laptop and headphones into the stall, and then effortlessly dispensed tax advice to his gf/wife over the phone while typing on his computer and ripping an endless series of bowel explosions! Inscribe this guy's lifestory on a titanium disc and send it out into space in the hopes of communicating with extraterrestrials - this guy is the first legend of the 21st century IMHO.

this is what america is about!