Kids say the darndest things

apparently donald trump is bad because he's going to send all the white people to mexico

xxp
of Montreal EP reissue series is going well

We have to calm down Beeps every few weeks since this election went full-tilt-swing. She's worried that her best friend at school, a Muslim, is going to be sent somewhere. She's worried that many of her Hispanic classmates are going to get rounded up. She's been guarded about this next point, but she's also very much aware that her mother is an immigrant, albeit a white English-speaking one.

We've talked to her about how this man is crazy with crazy ideas; how he likely won't get elected; how even if he did, many of these actions couldn't take place; how her friends aren't going to get deported; that Mommy is safe; that ---

But it's fucking ludicrous that we have to have these talks because of an actual major-party candidate running for president of the United States.

OTOH, Hammer told me that for his birthday, he wants a machete, one of those gray flannel moving blankets, and an American flag. I'm scared to ask him which candidate he supports.

Henry, portrait of a serial killer

Yeah, that one used to be funny.

One of these is a picture of us from the year 2039. Just not sure which one yet.

http://i.imgur.com/Pf1c9zj.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/LMZiXBH.jpg

I LOLed

<3

Wife: Do you like being in the first grade?
Kid: As much as a letter loves a mailbox.

W: And do you like your new teacher?
K: As much as a sausage loves a frying pan.

"i need u" by bieber/diplo/skrillex is now known in our house as "Yammy Doodle" because this is how my 5-y-o has interpreted the first cut-up lyrics

("i need you / i need you / i need you" = "yammy doodle / yammy doodle / yammy doodle")

aw

Ella: I can't reach that.
my wife: Well, get your stool and you can climb up.
Ella: If you think that's wise, woman!

XD

"Woman!"

Judah has taken to singing Steely Dan's "Dirty Work" to himself while playing "construction". Except he kinda barks it out, staccato: "I'M A FOOL TO DO YO DIRTY WORK! OH YEAH!"

A friend was getting checked for testicular cancer, which came up in conversation, so we explained to Ella that this meant a doctor had to look at his testicles.
"Oh! Which one?"

An Important Question.

7-y-o: "ok what will you give me if i punch this punching bag all the way to the floor?"

me: "5.... million dollars"

his eyes light up, he does it

"ok pay up!!!!"

"i guess i don't have it on me right now"

"what is this, donald trump???"

Sue that kid.

the last line is his!!

wait so your very powerful son punched a punching bag off its chain and onto the floor??

dude i even gave stage directions

it's a kid's punching bag

"Mom, I like you. But I'm not a lesbian."

completely out of nowhere.

Hahaha

lol

2 year old : "I want snack."
Me : "OK what do you want?"
2yo: "I want sugar."

same

Planet Earth II:

narration: "it is a world very few have ever explored....."

"one of them's david attenborough"

👍

Seven-year-old talking about some weird RPG he's playing...

H: I did it! I shot the sheriff!

ME: Oh yeah? But did you shoot the deputy?

H: Naw, he's the one who helped me kill the sheriff!

I was not made for these times.

lol

old man look at yr life

mr 8 year old is, as I've mentioned afore, an extremely fussy eater. Like almost pathalogically so.

Oh but his invisible friend? He's awesome. He eats ALL the vegetables, and loves them, and eats real healthy so he can run fast.

WTF, kid.

I remember feeling a ton of anxiety and guilt for being a picky eater. Maybe this is externalization?

Hm I guess it could be!

Captain Howdy eats all of his green peas!

Er bif...er bif...

Naked 3yo walks into room, yells: "Dance! Dance like you've never danced before!"

At breakfast :

Me : why are you farting so much?
E: I must have been eating beans in my dreams

It's probably my most eaten dream food, at least since I stopped eating meat.

"The wedding song is a lullaby for the monsters to go to sleep. "

Judah now saying "are you kidding me?" Like its his fucking catchphrase

Darkly muttered: "I hope that dog doesn't pee on my grave."

The other night:

Ben: "I think Owen and I are soulmates, but we just won't admit it."

Awwwww

While I was changing a particularly nasty diaper this morning:

"Minnie Mouse butt."

― how's life, Thursday, November 22, 2012 8:20 PM (four years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

She dug out her old Minnie Mouse toy from back then, so I reminded her of this exchange. It prompted her to start singing "minnie mouse butthouse" to the Mickey Moue Clubhouse theme song.

today was the first time she got me laughing to the point of tears. She got a new beanie boo, Magic, & she loves to (fully) populate the Contacts app with all her friends, so she decided that Magic's family name was Lerfman and then while we the adults were joking about "Richard Lerfman, D.D.S," she got to the work email address field: babymagic dot lerfman at weathernews dot gov.
I died.

^^^excellent!

Ella, 4yo, has a cold, and said, "I wish this cold had balls so we could kick it in them!"

This is a bit of a running theme, as recently she headbutted me in the crotch as we were walking to the shops, and as I gaspingly enquired as to why, she explained "it was to make you a bit quieter."