Kids say the darndest things

A friend was getting checked for testicular cancer, which came up in conversation, so we explained to Ella that this meant a doctor had to look at his testicles.
"Oh! Which one?"

An Important Question.

7-y-o: "ok what will you give me if i punch this punching bag all the way to the floor?"

me: "5.... million dollars"

his eyes light up, he does it

"ok pay up!!!!"

"i guess i don't have it on me right now"

"what is this, donald trump???"

Sue that kid.

the last line is his!!

wait so your very powerful son punched a punching bag off its chain and onto the floor??

dude i even gave stage directions

it's a kid's punching bag

"Mom, I like you. But I'm not a lesbian."

completely out of nowhere.

Hahaha

lol

2 year old : "I want snack."
Me : "OK what do you want?"
2yo: "I want sugar."

same

Planet Earth II:

narration: "it is a world very few have ever explored....."

"one of them's david attenborough"

👍

Seven-year-old talking about some weird RPG he's playing...

H: I did it! I shot the sheriff!

ME: Oh yeah? But did you shoot the deputy?

H: Naw, he's the one who helped me kill the sheriff!

I was not made for these times.

lol

old man look at yr life

mr 8 year old is, as I've mentioned afore, an extremely fussy eater. Like almost pathalogically so.

Oh but his invisible friend? He's awesome. He eats ALL the vegetables, and loves them, and eats real healthy so he can run fast.

WTF, kid.

I remember feeling a ton of anxiety and guilt for being a picky eater. Maybe this is externalization?

Hm I guess it could be!

Captain Howdy eats all of his green peas!

Er bif...er bif...

Naked 3yo walks into room, yells: "Dance! Dance like you've never danced before!"

At breakfast :

Me : why are you farting so much?
E: I must have been eating beans in my dreams

It's probably my most eaten dream food, at least since I stopped eating meat.

"The wedding song is a lullaby for the monsters to go to sleep. "

Judah now saying "are you kidding me?" Like its his fucking catchphrase

Darkly muttered: "I hope that dog doesn't pee on my grave."

The other night:

Ben: "I think Owen and I are soulmates, but we just won't admit it."

Awwwww

While I was changing a particularly nasty diaper this morning:

"Minnie Mouse butt."

― how's life, Thursday, November 22, 2012 8:20 PM (four years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

She dug out her old Minnie Mouse toy from back then, so I reminded her of this exchange. It prompted her to start singing "minnie mouse butthouse" to the Mickey Moue Clubhouse theme song.

today was the first time she got me laughing to the point of tears. She got a new beanie boo, Magic, & she loves to (fully) populate the Contacts app with all her friends, so she decided that Magic's family name was Lerfman and then while we the adults were joking about "Richard Lerfman, D.D.S," she got to the work email address field: babymagic dot lerfman at weathernews dot gov.
I died.

^^^excellent!

Ella, 4yo, has a cold, and said, "I wish this cold had balls so we could kick it in them!"

This is a bit of a running theme, as recently she headbutted me in the crotch as we were walking to the shops, and as I gaspingly enquired as to why, she explained "it was to make you a bit quieter."

Way to go, lass :)

after nursery -
me: what do you want to do - you can play with the water table, eat some pasta, or watch a video - you can choose one thing.

toddler: play with water table

me: ok

toddler: then after eat some pasta, watch a video

http://www.columbia.edu/~vjd1/cone_of_depres.gif

Yay?

a little bit from columns a b and c

"If you never had a kid, you would forget all the jokes you made because you had a kid."

A couple of years ago Henry head butted me with the back of his head so hard my one of my front teeth ached for days. A month or two later he elbows me in the same tooth.This time it was loose. I went to the dentist and got some x-rays done and the damn kid had completely broken my tooth way up in my gum. Not only that he broke my jaw too.

So since I cant afford a the 9 months it will take to fix it and the $30K bone grafting and an implant right would cost right now (don't worry my not walking around toothless in Arkansas) its on the back burner.

SO this was all just lead up to what a smart ass my kid is.

The other day he wanted something and of course he wanted it RIGHT NOW. I started mocking him (great parenting, i know) 'Ooooohhh im Henry and I want something right now! Whatever shall I do??'

To which he fires back 'Ooooh I'm Mama and someone knocked my tooth out. What ever shall I do???'

Little shit.

ok lol

Once I yelled at him at Sonic because he wouldn't come back to the backseat from the cargo/trunk area of the SUV. We're going down the road, and I do that thing you're not supposed to do as a parent: keep lingering on the transgression, pitying myself. i.e. "I take you to SONIC and you still don't behave!"

As I say this, I grab my slushie and absent-mindedly pull on the straw up and down, making that "Lighten Up" sound. And from the backseat, the little psychopath starts making this wheezing sound. Took me a second before I wheeled around, saw those angry eyes, and realized HE WAS MOCKING MY SLUSHIE STRAW.

can you blame him really

no just kidding they are such fucking jerks

that thing you're not supposed to do as a parent: keep lingering on the transgression, pitying myself.

this is good advice for us all, in any situation.

wisdom of the ages

My two year old is a budding No Depression reader.

He gave me a serious what the hell moment when I put on the Buckingham/McVie album in the car and he started yelling, "I don't want this music! I want Ryan Adams!" Turns out my wife has been playing a Ryan Adams album in her car.

A similar thing happened when listening to Chic. He said, "I don't want this. I want the man with the beard!" I found out later he meant Chris Stapleton.

H started going around the house, singing a lyric he heard off of YouTube: "SOMEbody once told me, the world is gonna roll me."

Just that line over and over. It was driving me nuts because he never hit the next line. Finally, I finished it for him with I AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED.

He looked at me and asked, "You know that song? When have you ever watched Shrek?"

Put on Donna Summer "I Feel Love" last night, my 4 year old daughter says "she's a bad signer, she's just signing "eeeeeee" all the time"

My daughter has an inexplicable and possibly misleading message she MUST share with the world pic.twitter.com/JsJHBgfhBx

— Caustic Cover Critic (@Unwise_Trousers) June 13, 2017

I am v excited about this news! :) So cute.

:D