dear fourteen year old me

tell me every single detail about all these pogs, 14 kid. all the details. about ALL of them.

give me your best pog, 14 kid. give me your best 3 pogs.

Sick of ur pogbs tbh

Hey 14 year old Veg

1. Don't limit your dreams just because you're afraid of Mum. She chills out, I promise.
2. It's okay to fail. Dream big, as big as you can.
3. The girls that are ruining your life right now are zeroes. You're about to find some super awesome friends that will get you through this. Trust me.
4. Don't hide. You're beautiful, smart, and people deserve to know what you think.
5. Seriously. Don't be scared of Mum. And no matter what she says when she's angry, it's not true. She loves you.
6. Go easy on Dad. He's the kindest man you'll ever know.
7. Don't hang out with Cheryl on summer vacation this year. And don't kiss stupid Ross with braces. It's a waste of time. You can do better.

*spits in face*

later, chomsky-honk

ps tony kills chris

Oh fuck u

Get out of that boys' school now and transfer to that co-ed yr best friend went to, now.

NOW

Dear 14-year old me:

Ska-punk, eh? You'll look back and laugh.

You're only going to apply to one liberal arts college and won't be able to afford it. Screw that, turns out you'd have been miserable there anyway. You can work slightly harder than seems likely and get scholarships to good state schools. Do that. Actually get a degree. Don't stop caring because no one in your family understands paying for college or seems willing to help you figure it out.

Drugs and alcohol, you're going to start doing them pretty soon. Cocaine: fun but bad. Ecstasy: incredibly fun, not that bad for you, try to keep it rare. Weed: wait until you're older, shit gets much better and cheaper. Psychedelics: do them with one or two people you really like. Booze: turns out you have a weak stomach but learn this lesson slowly. Get used to puking even before people think you're drunk every now and then.

You hate cigarettes because mom and dad smoke and it sucks - stick with that. No matter how good menthol and ecstasy go together.

Debate is useless, start taking art classes. Journalism is fun, stick with that but don't be an asshole and actually work.

Don't take German next year - Spanish is useful, take three years and you don't have to take it in college if you don't want to.

Never work in a restaurant or bar - but if you don't tip incredibly well for the rest of your life anyway, I will go back in time and punch you.

Enjoy Liverpool winning the league again this year, it won't happen again

As bad as things are now - and yes they are really bad - the next few years are the calm before the storm. In three years time you'll wig the fuck out and it won't stop until you're an unemployable wreck in your early thirties.

dear fourteen year old Neanderthal,

Stop masturbating

Reply from fourteen year old Neanderthal,

"You're one to talk"

Maybe because I've been playing Telltale's Back to the Future game, every time I try to think about this, I worry about how I'll warp my timeline.

i'd just really give myself answers to all the tests I failed in school

Dear 14-year-old me,

I don't remember you so good, so if I say something that blatantly doesn't apply to you, please excuse me.

The rat-tail is not a good look.

You are not nearly as much of a sick fuck as you think you are right now.

Pink Floyd RULES.

You go through some rough times. You should probably know right now that you're at the very least not going to kill yourself before age 40.

The Simpsons is still making new episodes. Nobody watches it anymore, though. Bill Cosby, on the other hand, is a scumbag serial rapist.

The whole world isn't exactly like New Jersey. On the whole, this is a good thing.

Don't go to college. Get the govt job as young as possible. The pay, opportunities, sex and training are all better and the drinking isn't limited to a mere five days

Location must matter. The people I see in government here in London look uniformly grey, down-trodden and depressed, hanging on grimly for their long-promised index-linked pensions.