Severe Anxiety

my friend who has Asperger's has often tied the line of saying unacceptable things. I've been patient understanding her circumstances and let some things slide, and even when giving feedback, have been calm and quiet about it.

today, on the other hand, I told her my friend might join us at Metal Night tonight at a local club and she asked to see a pic (note she's bringing a friend too), and I showed her, and she said "omg he looks like a cancer". I gave benefit ofthe doubt and thought she meant Zodiac sign, and she didn't. Thought she was making a bad 'he's got cancer cuz he has no hair", nope. she clarifies that he looks like a "cancer of a person" and that she was sorry but he looked like he'd bug her.

so I tell her that's a messed up thing to say about a friend of mine and she just starts railing on me asking "are you really going to be mad at mea bout this", and I didn't back down and said well, you said something fucked up about a friend.

then she says I'm overreacting and acting like a "chick" about this and says I"m being over-sensitive about a comment she made while she was "high". I said I was less mad about that comment and more the offensive things she said to me afterwards.

so now I'm having a bad bout of anxiety because even though I know I wasn't wrong I always feel like I am and despite me feeling good that I stood up for myself, I feel bad for 'upsetting her' even though what she said to me was far worse and I was merely stating factually what bothered me.

so yay, I'm crying and stressed out now when I was having a good day. I hate having such a low opinion of myself that even this level of defending myself is so taxing.

She sounds terrible tbh. You are fine.

thanks - sometimes I feel like I'm overreacting to stuff so that makes me feel better.

one friend asked why I hang out with her. it's actually because on normal occasions, like this past Tuesday, she's been a lot of fun to hang around, and we make each other laugh and have helped each other through some tough times. most of her transgressions prior to now had been minor and when I had called her out a few weeks ago for something she said to me, she apologized immediately and said she handled it wrong. so to suddenly say I'm acting "like a chick" (which is p weird for someone who claims to be a feminist to toss around as a pejorative), I was kind of shocked.

io super otm
i'd recommend cutting that person loose
friends aren't supposed to make you cry

even if they are nice to you sometimes, this person's behavior sounds manipulative and wrong

the only thing "wrong" with you is that it sounds like you have seriously dysfunctional friends ... not to be a dick, because I've definitely had my share of those, and it can be challenging to change the way you make friends, or to change social circles or whatever. It's like dating, except having no friends is bad in a way that not dating/being in a relationship isn't.

none taken! it's true. for years I was weak and let myself get manipulated easily and had bad people in my life, and therapy has kind of 'woke' me out of that, so I have been pruning the people I associate with over the last few years. the unfortunate drawback is I've kind of forgotten how to handle these tough situations since my current batch of friends don't generally cause me grief.

i'm better now. thanks all!

good job!

im back home in nz for a week and my anxiety has been so horrific that I completely broke down this morning and called my mum to come over to my sisters place and hold me while I bawled my eyes out. I’m 38 and this is the first time I’ve ever asked her to do such a thing. We don’t have that kind of relationship but she really came through for me. She surprised me even further when, as she was leaving, I said thanks so much for coming and she replied “I’m happy you felt like you could ask me”.

i was doing something hard at work today that was stressing me out and suddenly my limbs got heavy and i felt sick. then i was afraid because i have a history of fainting and i was probably about one minute away from that. i talked myself out of it by just breathing and stuff because there were no other options. i was so afraid of saying anything or putting my head down because of the people around and because i knew the one person i would tell would probably do too much and make it a big deal. i want to not be anxious anymore. some stuff i've learned to just self-talk myself out of but not everything :(

It's hard because anxiety feeds on itself so once it gets a head of steam, coping techniques are difficult due to not being able to focus long enough to use them.

Much <3

Harbl you are a fucking badass and I wish I had half the guts/nerve you have.

I was in that "I'm about five seconds from death" spiral a few weeks ago. Was convinced heart attack or stroke. Stood up, was about to yell "I'm having a heart attack" in an office full of people. Convinced myself to pace around and try to drink water.

I think I'm experiencing hypoglycemia due to the alcohol I consume to deal with anxiety, but unfortunately hypoglycemia seems to cause really bad anxiety, worse than alcohol resolves.I still have no idea what a pancreas or gallbladder is. My liver seems intact, but I'm extremely concerned about pancreases, bladders, kidneys, that sort of thing. What is diabetes? Do I have it?

Vertigo had been increasing steadily which is an issue as I work in a skyscraper. However, felt good today and even sat with my knees against the glass window looking out over the city below.

Lung health and related oxygen-related hypochondrias have been upgraded to "stable" following a marked reduction in bouts of lung-related hypochondria or anxiety since quitting smoking. Recommend quitting smoking for anyone who has the anx.

It's such a cliched, corny thing, but I honestly feel like, for immediate, temporary respite: controlled slow breathing really does work. You have to be very mindful and methodic. Gently in through the nose and just as gently out through the mouth. For a moment, anyway, it at least takes my mind away from how crazy my mind is getting (if that makes sense?). Makes coming back to the chaos a little easier to assess.

That "grounding" thing doesn't work for me at all. I know everybody's different, but I find that pacing or increased movement exacerbates things.

I'm sorry to say, but vertigo can be a sign of something more serious. Have you seen a physician about your symptoms?

Hope you get some reprieve soon.

https://i.imgur.com/DqK7H0S.gif

I swear by this octagonal onion of breath.

Gently in through the nose and just as gently out through the mouth.

Or inhaling, then closing the mouth for a bit and then exhaling tends to work quite well too.

Re: general anxiety (obviously not if you're having some kind of legitimate emergency issue) I've taken to making a mantra of 'I am an organism whose immediate needs are being met'. Basically just a reminder in any given moment that I am clothed, fed, sheltered, and generally safe from harm, and that any panic I'm feeling is a response to something outside of that and most likely among the small stuff that I should try not to sweat. It's proving to be fairly effective for me, but I'm sure YMMV.

wondering if anyone has a line on this one

i work in a media job where i am very involved in profiling artists

and almost every time i have a piece published i suffer absolutely unbearable anxiety about how the subject will feel, terrified that i will have fucked up their story or misrepresented them in some way

at the height of this i can barely function and truly crave oblivion so i can escape the worry - i just totally lack the ability to say “i did my best and my intentions were good” - in my mind the consequences of my work will always be catastrophic and i am a fool and an asshole for presuming to do this job

i guess i am asking - do other people have familiarity with this sort of media-related anxiety? any tips for coping/avoiding (including medication)?

or am i just in the wrong profession? i have just sort of ended up in this gig, and with my rational head on i can see that it could be fun and a privilege. but every week this feeling is waiting and it is really horrible when it hits.

i sometimes feel manageable anxiety in other parts of my life, but it is the idea of my work being widely distributed that really turbo-charges this feeling i think. although maybe i would find a way to hate myself in other arenas, i dunno.

Since this sounds almost phobic, imo therapy + meds might be the answer. If you experience anxiety in other areas of your life then def talk to a dr about meds.

it is the idea of my work being widely distributed that really turbo-charges this feeling i think. although maybe i would find a way to hate myself in other arenas, i dunno.

yeah, I can relate to this. I don't want to assume that my feelings are your feelings, but the fears of fucking up in a public way and "betraying someone's trust" or letting them down are definitely major anxiety producing things! I have had a variety of different jobs with different responsibilities, and I do kinda compare the different degrees of anxiety (or lack thereof) that each provoke. There are plenty of people that don't do the type of work you do or that I do (and have done) because it is so anxiety producing! So, you should feel at least somewhat strong that you have stepped up and done it and are currently still at it.

i just totally lack the ability to say “i did my best and my intentions were good”

one way to cope is to try to get to the point where you can do this?

just1n3 is also otm ... meds would probably be useful. there are some fairly mild ones that help with anxiety (or at least are mild in smaller doses). I know that I definitely need them.

Other coping mechanisms (for me) -- definitely helped by being on anti-anxiety meds -- is to do something else when you are anxious about a piece coming out. like, I notice you are on the semantle thread! even if it's something like that ... a way to compartmentalize and be able to exist outside of the source of the anxiety?

^^^^ yeah, the meds aren’t going to cure that phobia-like reaction but they’ll help with being more present to learn behaviors that WILL curb the panic feelings.

You could also try things like filling both hands with ice and holding for a minute when you feel that severe anxiety coming on, or eating an intensely sour candy - it interrupts that spiral, something to do with the vagus nerve.

thanks so much guys - i think i probably have to have a crack at meds - i have done a bit of counselling/therapy addressing these areas and that has been helpful, especially when it was ongoing - but in the heat of heavy deadline pressure and complex approval workflows, the stress reaction knocks out any broader/wiser perspective and the old fears come flooding in

when i wrote it down here i could see that it is deeply tied up with hopelessly low levels of self-regard/fear of judgement etc - but i also think it is definitely exacerbated by the nature of the work, and particularly by changing discussions around representation - who am i as a middle-aged white male to presume to tell the story of someone with a different life experience? at some point you become very conscious that you don’t know what you don’t know

anyway, super grateful to be able to share the thoughts and receive advice, thanks again

My wife has similar responsibilities, where she is making time-sensitive statements about public issues, and something that she finds a relief is to have someone who double-checks her work. She needs this external point-of-view so she can stop questioning herself.
Hopefully you can find someone whose opinion you can trust, and who can speak with some authority about the issues and people you're writing about.

thanks htbfy - I definitely value a robust consultative/editorial process and seek that whenever I can (it is not always available to me unfortunately) - i do think that partially reduces my anxiety simply by giving me an "out" - ie "I do not have sole responsibility for these decisions" - which might be a bit of a weaselly response? have found anxiety is very good at perpetuating itself in sneaky ways. ideally I would like to feel like a grown-up who can stand behind their decisions, or feel comfortable with the possibility of criticism.

but yeah I think my most recent meltdown was definitely caused by lack of opportunity to consult with colleagues, so that's a really good reminder of how important that is, thanks

i also think it is definitely exacerbated by the nature of the work, and particularly by changing discussions around representation

i feel that a lot recently. also coming to terms with being middle-aged! yesterday I was in a meeting for a project where my work is mostly volunteer, and most of the others involved were younger (mostly people in their late 20s) and non-white, and I was providing my expertise on a topic and saying what I thought priorities should be, and what would/wouldn't work ... and today, after talking to a colleague who was at that meeting, I decided, I am going to step back and let the younger POC lead and manage the process ... even if things don't work out. Maybe they spend way too long (in my mind) discussing visioning and "how we work together" and getting on the same page about how a wheel functions and the best way to design the wheel ... and maybe they make some bad judgment calls that I wouldn't have made, but ... I still can remember being in my late 20s in meetings with ... people who were probably the same age I am now ... about similar things, and I knew more than the middle-aged people gave me credit for/assumed I did, and I felt like the purpose was for me (and my peers) to lead the work and if we made mistakes or didn't do things "the best way" ... then that's just the way it goes. This was the arts/community-building and not life or death type stuff.

yeah have definitely found it’s a good strategy to get outta the way of younger people generally - either by inviting them to take the lead, or building mutually beneficial relationships - but there are increasingly frequent moments when i feel like surrendering to irrelevancy and going off to grow potatoes!

but there are increasingly frequent moments when i feel like surrendering to irrelevancy and going off to grow potatoes!

don't you mean "write a book" ? ... i still feel like there are worthwhile things that white middle-aged people with our professional backgrounds can do that aren't growing potatoes or the cringeworthy efforts of various boomers

* worthwhile things within our areas of experience or related to them?

also - i think just1n3 gave really good ideas re the in-the-moment anxiety stuff!

thanks for being so generous with your thoughts and time SH - yeah definitely gonna try those tips - sour candy probably more practical than ice in an office environment! also i guess trying to do some more work with my breathing. interrupting the spiral feels pretty crucial, cos once the mind is flooded with those thoughts/chemicals it feels almost impossible to de-escalate, especially if there are stress factors flying around everywhere.

it feels almost impossible to de-escalate, especially if there are stress factors flying around everywhere.

that's a really good articulation of the feeling!

I got these Toxic Waste Hazardously Sour candies for my husband and they def work… but they might fuck up your mouth for a day or two