Kids say the darndest things

Haha!

Another one today!
Ben: High school seems like it's going to be fun. You know, partying all the time with your friends. Drinking beer and going on Facebook...

I guess at 13 he's not a "kid" anymore but the other day this convoapparently went down in the car while driving past a golf course:

Mo: Ive been there. We play golf for sport sometimes!
B: really? I didnt know that! Do you like golf?
Mo: yeah, its good!
B: whats your handicap?
Mo (without missing a beat): my family.

bada bap bada ba!

Excellent

continuing on with her wolf fascination:

WOLF!
There it is...
WOLF!
There it is...

This is stuck in my head now.

Nora and her mum were dancing to Chemical Brothers in the kitchen last night and Nora was telling Em exactly how to dance. "We need a system". A system! wtf

<3 strict little girls

i think it’s funny how rule obsessed kids get
my friend’s son is 6 or 7 now and i swear every activity is halted & reset with ever more complicated rules every 5 min

Reminds me of when K was 3 or 4 and I was telling her about salsa dancing

Me: You do it like this "1, 2, 3 - 5, 6, 7 -"
K: Dad, no! You don't count when you dance! You just dance!

son's new favorite song is Whodini's "The Freaks Come Out at Night", which he will belt out at any opportunity. He said this was his favorite song at some pre-school thing and one of the other parents was like "what is that? never heard of it" Fuckin millenials.

Ha ha I've realized now that I have to be more careful about what music I play around my 3.5 year old since he starts belting out whatever he hears now--though usually with a variation, like "Me and Michael--solid ice cream cone!"

Upthread I mentioned Cherry Bomb by the Runways, which made its way into my daughter's playlist after her brother got the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack several years ago. "Ha ha, it's so cute! She likes it because it says 'hello, Daddy!' in it." But lately it has made my wife visibly uncomfortable when it comes up on the rotation, particularly during the moaning parts (which my kid thankfully hasn't been singing along with). And her discomfort is not unreasonable! But at this point it's out there already.

My kid also sings "Daddy likes men!" a lot because I'm too lazy to delete We're a Happy Family from the car playlist

Nice!

My son just came up with a new superhero: Lollipop Man. "He licks people to death!"

Not sure if my otherwise-potty-trained kid really thought I would buy this excuse:

"Daddy can you change me?"

"Why do you need to be changed?"

"The undies you gave me actually had poop in them already."

Hahahaha

Mine has cottoned onto 'it's probably from water play'

"The undies you gave me actually had poop in them already."

this takes "it was like that when I got here" to new levels

amazing

next step is obviously accusing YOU of pooping in HIS pants

i thought that was implied

"Hey, who pooped in these?!"

hey who knows where that poop came from, you know? I mean that could be anybody's poop, it could be his, it could be yours, it could be someone else's, a lot of people have been saying - I would never say this - but a lot of people, very very smart people, by the way, have been saying it could have been you.

Great. Now I’m thinking about tangerine poop.

Last night I was commenting out loud about having to pay the water bill and how it was double the same time last year and maybe we have a leak. Dex looks alarmed "wait, we PAY for WATER?!" Yep buddy, we do.

He immediately went and did an inspection of the whole house to make sure all taps were off tightly, bless him.

<3

Awww!!!

I should add, that rotter is often responsible for leaving the taps half-on in the first place haha. But maybe now he'll know better :)

We're in Europe on vacation.

Ben: in Europe, you can say anything, like (whispers) boobs are super squishy.

otm

Driving across town with Nora. “It’s warm. I might fall asleep. Or I might not. It’s hard to tell when you’re 3.”

My daughter is a Safety Patrol and takes it uberseriously. One time we were walking home from school and I said she could take off her patrol belt if she wanted. She voted to leave it on.

"But Dad, what if something really bad happened, and they needed everyone they could get?"

I found that both heartwarming and (given current events) very sad.

Last night, my daughter wrote a spontaneous a parody of the Parry Gripp song Raining Tacos titled Raining Lava. She's been on a bit of a volcano kick lately. Sample lyric: instead of the "It's raining lava/From out of the sky/Lava/No need to ask why/Just open your mouth and prepare to die/It's raining lava". She didn't just stick to a line or two - she worked her way though the whole thing substituting volcano words for the taco stuff.

When she was done I laughed and told her she had a good sense of humor, and she says...

"...and a sense of death. Death! Death! Death! Death! Death! A sense of dooooooooooooooom."

80s: Pawing through stepdad's record collection

90s: Digging deeper into shelves at KCOU

00s: Clicking on every damn thing on Napster

10s: Hearing snippets of songs like "Raining Tacos" while my son plays Roblox.

Same.

My wife and the boys played the game of Life last night. The names the boys’ gave their kids were epic. But her favorite exchange was over the name your superpower card.

K: My superpower is... sarcasm! What’s yours, Owen?

Owen: Surviving K’s sarcasm.

K: Don’t spin, just take the money.

Owen's names:
Pellegrino
Whiskey
Calypso
Cracker
Annoying

Ben's:
Lumpus
Wixers
Click

lol. I love that my daughter has a good capacity for naming her characters, stuffed animals, etc. I was no good at that when I was a kid.

"I'm gonna get a big hammer and ham the garden"

go ham

Nora named a crochet ballerina doll 'Elephant Sauce' the other day. wtf.

At Costco there's a spooky robotic butler that comes to life whenever someone comes near it. Of course it's scary as hell for my 3 year old. After he saw it he kept talking about it, and then came up with this Poe-like story to cope:
"I went to the store and I saw the creepy crawly butler and he turned on and he said my name. I bought him and brought him home but he stopped talking. He was broken. I dug a hole under my house and I buried him in the hole. But then he came back to life and started talking. When I go to sleep in my house I can hear him talking under the ground in the dirt and the worms."

J.F.C.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GD55Rtphjow

So glad now that I live in like one of the four states where you can't find a Costco.

IT'S AUGUST. KIDS ARE JUST NOW GOING BACK TO SCHOOL. WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING THERE?

Tell your kid, Keyes, that I'm going to steal his story for my own coping device.

There was a bunch of those things at Menards yesterday and the 3.75 was totally fascinated by them. Wanted to see them all work, needed to touch them after I told him they weren't real, etc.

As we walked away to find my wife, in about 60 seconds he went from talking about how he didn't like them at all and they were too scary to pointing out how they weren't really and that they were good scary and hilarious and he loved them because they were his favorite thing ever. He had so show them all to my wife on the way out, telling her about how funny they are, and how they were scary but in a way that made him feel good inside, a feeling he called "perfectly scary".

My 3.5 is also fascinated by scary things

5yo daughter last night built herself a voting booth, ballot box and made some ballot papers. (When we vote, she likes to number the boxes (under my direction) on my ballot.)