teh rolling craigslist funney thread

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-------------- Reply to: job-38047994@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-01, 1:42AM EDT

Me: Young (early-20s), goodlooking, sociabl, Ivy Grad, who
visits NYC very often for work... but because I don't know
anyone, I don't go out (hate going out alone) and always spend my
nights alone in NYC:(

You: younger (18-23), very attractive - perhaps even a model,
outgoing and knows DC very well, knows LOTS of attractive girls
and knows of lots of parties and knows the nightscene very well.

We would go out on the town every night I'm in town (7-10
nights/mo) and I would pay you $X every time I get "lucky". You
would introduce me to all your hot girlfriends/female
acquaintances and help me meet girls while we're out with the
goal of helping me "get it on"... I'm easy on the eyes and am
personable, all I need is an introduction... you can feel free to
give your female acquiaintances a few words of encouragement
(since you get paid every time I seal the deal)...

Send me your pic, tell me your age, and a little about yourself.
I'll reply with my pic and number. Then we can meet and negotiate
a mutually acceptible fee for you every time we go out and I "get
lucky" with someone you've introduced me to;)

You can be male or female; you'd be my wingman/wingwoman, and
help me meet attractive females 18-24 and have fun in the
process!

This is perfect for a fratboy/sorority girl type who has a large
social network... or a model/actress type who knows lots of
attractive people.

Please respond with:
1. age/gender
2. picture
3. brief paragraph delineating your social
outlets/networks/hangouts, etc. 4. what you think fair
compensation would be to be my wingman/wingwoman for a night
(10pm-1am); if you are effective, I'd use you everytime I'm in
town (7-10 nights/month)

Reply to: anon-39158353@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-12, 12:56PM EDT

No sex involved. I am looking for a dominant type with a
nice voice
between 15-22yrs old.
This is a non contact position. Phone and internet
interaction. I am offering
$125.00 wk to start. There is no set hours,days..this is
going to take very little of your time. I need motivation.
I am good looking 31 yr old white male.
Race,religion unimportant. You need to at least have a
bitchy side and have no
problem cursing. I need a pic from you so I have an idea on
who I am dealing with and to also weed out the internet
trolls. I am serious about this and I
hope you are as well.

At your service,
A.J.

this is in or around from home.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests

Before emailing your resume PLEASE take a moment to review whether or not you have the following qualifications and whether you can commit to the following requirements as there is ABSOLUTELY no flexibility:

1. Must have atleast 2-3 years+ of PERSONAL ASSISTANT experience within a residence.
2. Must have worked as a PERSONAL ASSISTANT within the entertainment, media or for some kind of Public figure who is known for their fiery personality.
3. Must be willing to travel (with no obligations)spontaneously to fabulous places during major holidays.

If you possess these three MAJOR requirements you should read on. This is a fabulous opportunity for someone whose vocation is to make sure others feel happy and comfortable. This is a high profile position, but it is NOT for the purpose of being a stepping stone job into acting, directing or producing. No other credentials other than the ones listed will be accepted. The right person for this job will be able to juggle, multi-task, shop at the most exclusive places, know the best stylists, make-up artists, handle publicists, make reservations at the best restaurants...basically just be "in the know." You must be organized, smart, articulate, polished and poised. The right individual must also be very thick skin and not react to brash comments or four letter words rolling out of the boss' tongue.

This is an immediate hire!!! Excellent benefits and fabulous perks, travel, bonus and unexpected, almost new and sometimes new "hand me downs."

Hours are 10am-7pm or 11am-8pm. No weekends unless there is travel."

the funny thing is, i know these people.

the one thing they really should've added was:

"don't answer this ad if you expect any kind of
remuneration for your efforts. we're more famous
than peanut butter, but have no money to speak of."

they've been advertising a similar position on
their website for years. they go through "assistants"
like an mx missile might notebook paper.

i live about two thousand miles from where they're at,
and have nonetheless been asked if i might "know somebody"
who'd be into "helping out around the office."

hubris is fucked up drug, man...

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Reply to: pers-186553562@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-26, 1:13PM CDT

If you like either of these guys then you probably are into atmosphere and sage francis too. Which would be a very good thing. I am not "hip hop" or "scene" in my apperances though...I promise. I am loads of fun and can hang around and feel more comfortable around a group of guys rather than girls.( I fucking hate drama) I also like to flirt, so that might be part of my reasoning behind groups of guys,huh? Anyways, if you can get down with aesop and don't look like a bum, shoot me an email, you will be pleasantly surprised.

this is in or around chicago

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

haha good luck on that one, kid

I was just cleaning up my computer room and found a webcam I do not use. It is a brand new Logetech Messenger cam. The most popular out there. It is mint and I stll have the driver. Is there a cute lady that would like to trade it for a nice relaxing handjob? I love handjobs as they are very safe. I am tall thin and good looking and clean. Age and race no matter. I would like to host tonight.

you know who i am?im rick james bitch.now who wants to get fucked by the king?
hot,hung,healthy and who gives a fuck what YOU look like,i dont.just be sure to bring that ass of yours,im gonna need it.

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Reply to: pers-187932700@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-29, 10:59PM CDT

I saw you at Pitchfork standing in line for beer tickets. We caught each other's eyes and then acted very interested in the trees and the ground. Wish we would have said something to one another:"Did you like Art Brut?" perhaps. Me: oversized sunglasses, striped Urban Outfitters shirt, lots of long necklaces, skirt, dirty chuck tailors, short messy wavy hair in pigtails, lots of bangs. You: dark shaggy hair, dark frame glasses, rolled up jeans, dark socks, plaid button down, smoking American Spirits. Let's get coffee at Filter or some PBRs at Gold Star sometime?

this is in or around Union Park/Pitchfork

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Sounds like she stands out in a crowd.

everyone would be happy all over the world

no conspiracies would be neccesaries to explain how fuck up are the arabs since they would be happy and democratic too.

you would be paid to burn arab oil.

arab women would be prettier

arab people would be smarter

oil would not produce CO2 and other contaminants (put there by the Israeli government).

virgens would have sex because they would not be needed as virgens anymore (as prize to the martyr scum) because there would not be arab martyrs.

there would be only one great ARABIA full of trees (since Israel is to be blamed for the desert in Arab Lands).

honor killings of Arab women would not be necessary anymore (since with no Israel what else would compell them to have sex out of marriage)

I would be happier than now giving my tax dollars to arab countries.

Yasser Arafat would be a saint.

the arab lovers would be recognized as smart people.

The UN would finally take care of Africa.

* this is in or around Real world
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

YOUR BODY SHAKES & SHUDDERS ~ YOUR BACK ARCHES ~ YOUR TOES CURL.
Has it been too long since you've experienced divine pleasure like this?
Is it because you work too much? Are in-between relationships?
Unappreciated by a selfish partner? Whatever your situation, the Doctor understands.

EVERYONE DESERVES TO BE TOUCHED in a way that feels good. Another's warm touch is a basic human need. Through role-play therapy, the Doctor will help you embrace your desires and accept them for the natural, healthy, primal urges that they are.

DURING YOUR SESSION the Doctor will begin by asking you a series of personal questions regarding your experiences and perspectives on a variety of intimate behaviours. Do you have trouble reaching climax? Do you strive for more intense orgasms? Multiple ones? Do you often experience throbbing, aching and wetness down below - for no apparent reason?

AS YOU BECOME MORE COMFORTABLE, you may be surprised to hear yourself openly talking about personal intimacies in ways you’ve never uttered to anyone. Ever. Before long the Doctor will have formulated the appropriate therapy for your particular case. He will discuss your options and recommend a course of treatment.

EXAMINATION & TREATMENT.
Putting a stethoscope to your chest, the Doctor will listen to the pace of your heart. Can you feel it quickening? He will then hand you a velour robe and ask you to disrobe in the changing room. And you do, because he's the Doctor and it's important to follow doctor's orders. Upon your return, the Doctor will lay you down on the examining table and begin to look at, feel and probe in places normally kept deeply veiled from view. He will examine your breasts, tweak your nipples, and test their responsiveness. He will gently massage your labia and clitoris with a warm lubricant to observe how they respond to stimuli. Will your vulva swell? Change color? Get moist? Will your nipples grow erect? Will you orgasm? All will be made note of.

FULLY EQUIPPED FOR YOUR PLEASURE.
Donning white latex gloves, the doctor will continue his exploration, probing your anal region (if you wish), to evaluate your level of sensitivity, comfort or alarm. The Doctor will use any of your battery-powered vibrational instruments and may deploy them as he sees fit. Other treatments may include having you masturbate in front of the Doctor so he can observe your orgasming techniques. Or receiving an application of his high-protein moisturizing crème to your body and skin. Additional therapies such as a luxurious full-body massage will be performed as per each patient's needs and requests. In the event you can’t hold still during your exam, it may become necessary to mildly restrain you with the Doctor’s silk necktie. This is for your own good.

THE PRACTICE.
The Doctor will provide this unique service to ONE special woman who want's to explore her sexuality in a safe, sane and completely consensual environment. He finds it gratifying to be able to share his gift of touch.

YOUR FIRST VISIT.
Upon the doctor entering your house, you will feel nervous. How nervous? Very nervous. Almost all first-time patients are. But at the same time you will feel alive with a sense of anticipation and forbidden excitement that has been absent from your life for far too long. Butterflies are completely understandable. And as such, the Doctor’s medicine chest is stocked with fine wine and drink should you care to indulge. The Doctor request to be in a smoke free enviornment and expects you to be smoke free.

SAFETY, CONFIDENTIALITY & ANONYMITY.
Please note that the Doctor will refuse any patient averse to using protection for certain acts that may pose a health risk. The Doctor is also adamant about patient privacy. Rest assured that whatever happens here stays here.

NAME YOUR KINK.
Is there's something that turns you on or that you've been curious to try? Now's your opportunity to discuss and/or try it. The Doctor is open-minded and nonjudgmental. He understands that women enjoy a wide spectrum of pleasures and requests -- and is willing to accommodate you within reason. So speak up. Your privacy is assured. In fact, the Doctor prefers to not even know your real name.

ABOUT THE DOCTOR.
The Doctor is a educated, honest, and a busy professional. He is 6' tall, handsome, clean, fit, respectful, and a gentleman. He possesses a wry sense of humor and a vivid and creative imagination. The Doctor is selective about the patients he accepts, with preference given to those who are height/weight proportional,cute looking, very clean hygiene, and not a player. He will make calls, and prefers an eastside lady, but will consider an out of the area call if the prognosis is critical.

CREDENTIALS.
The Doctor received his medical training by watching hours and hours of General Hospital, ER, Marcus Welby MD, and porn. The Doctor orchestrates this role-playing therapy because, quite simply, life is short and this is fun. If you agree and are ready to turn a fantasy into a reality, feel free to inquire about an appointment.

FEES
While some patients have insisted that the Doctor accept a small gratuity for his fine service, this is not his policy. Although a nice bottle of wine to share will not be refused. Reciprocation? Sure, the Doctor enjoys being touched, too. And an inspired Doctor usually makes for a more inspired examination.

REACHING THE END OF YOUR JOURNEY.
When your one- to two-hour exam regrettably ends, you will be radiating a mischievous glow. Because tonight you’ve been a naughty, naughty girl. And you liked it. You will feel content, fulfilled, exhilarated, and wonder why you waited soooo long to finally surrender to your inner callings. You've read this far and you’re probably thinking "This is so freaky!" Yet, you're strangely intrigued. You’re wondering, “Is this for real?” The Doctor can assure you – it is. And now it’s up to you to...

REQUEST AN APPOINTMENT.
If you are an independent, free-spirited woman not bound by convention, and would like to see the Doctor, send an email with a brief description of yourself, height/weight/age/bust, and the reason you are requesting a visit. Include a photo for a quick appointment.

Before granting appointments, a brief screening is required. The Doctor is ready to see you now. Are you ready to see the Doctor? Please, no weirdos or bogus replies.

(Women only)

I am a sexy young female just returned from a year in Europe seeking a hottie to help me remember english. Must wash hands regularly and no feet fetishists. Looking like Harry Potter is a plus. If interested, send me a pic and I'll reciprocate if I approve.

You seemed to spend an awful lot of time trying to get a look at my cleavage this evening. You were 40ish, blue denim shirt, chatted me up as you were leaving..... drop a note back if you want a closer look...

And, to weed out the gawkers, give a quick description of what I was wearing....

Yo came in with your friend to bail someone out, it took a min we were smoking boges and shit in my office anyway i should of said sumthing but i didnt well if you get this im sure you remember me holla at me we should get up and chill sometime for real

It'd be cool if loads of 12-year-olds reply. "Yeah well you didn't say which title"

Laidback masc guy looking for another to hang, kick back some beers, ski, watch some porn...no agenda...see where is goes

hit me back with stats/pic and lets do this

like the rain/such a pain/iso semi beauty queen 4 the love thing
Reply to: pers-197756455@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-08-23, 7:20AM PDT

u looking for me...u should be...california....the sunshine state....good sunsets too....but only for you....

* this is in or around close to yosemite/beaches/high sierras
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://d.im.craigslist.org/bk/2o/noMyG5ACM4m5Du53k7NQUFxoslJg.jpghttp://c.im.craigslist.org/aA/sT/JwqHHyENRe0C1QErjjhuzYpupu3V.jpg
http://c.im.craigslist.org/OO/ph/4RfV9PfmpFqyBdKQiQYtXQd1s6V2.jpghttp://c.im.craigslist.org/xJ/4c/DoKwUDMy1HMo1sRtL9O6igIh8KvV.jpg

THIS IS KOOL KEITH

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Reply to: pers-197864236@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-08-23, 1:05PM CDT

I can't believe I'm doing this, but I would just hate myself if I let this opportunity go. I think your name is "Kate" or "Katie" or "Katy," definitely something that starts with a "K." You work in a law firm in Evanston defending poor people or some damn thing like that. I saw you this morning across the interns' table and you gave me a sinister look, probably full of pity or disgust but I hope it was lust. Did we have a moment? I thought we did. Let me know if you want to get a cup of coffee or twelve beers sometime. I'd love to get to know you better.

You:
Female, petite, rude, spunky, highly polished brown hair
Insatiable appetite for cruelty and justice
Chain smoker, peg leg, devastatingly penetrating brown eyes
Your love of the law is positively contagious

Me:
Male, 5'11'', nearing obesity, greasy hair/face, unshaven, unkempt, rapidly declining standards of hygiene
Enjoys long walks on the beach, reeking of booze, selling out, underwater basket weaving
Health nazi, vegetarian, ambiguously heterosexual, Guelph, Maoist
I will show you the world - shining, shimmering, splendid

I know you won't see this but I'll spend the next week dreaming that you will.

this is in or around Evanston

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

197864236

Bang Bus Reenactment - mm4w - 21

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Reply to: pers-197861619@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-08-23, 1:00PM CDT

So me and a couple of friends are planning to reenact an episode of bangbus. However, it will NOT be video taped. We got the driver, the dirty sanchez character, and the pornstar. All we need is a broad and this could be you! Email if your interested and send a pic also.

this is in or around Chicago

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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Reply to: pers-197831658@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-08-23, 12:02PM CDT

Convince me otherwise. Are you the one thing I was meant to care about? I doubt it, but I'll fish around anyway.

Do not reply if you:

Wear AXE deodorant (!)
Consider Z-104 your main source of music
Lack a college education
Attend a baptist or an evangelical church
Have drug or alcohol problems, or any spending, gambling, or sex addictions (I'll be lenient with the last category, however)
Like to say "pussy." Fuck you. I've always hated that word for some reason.

I will not entertain you with a reply if you sound like a degenerate asshole, or if you are angry with my posting.

ABOUT ME: Graduated from UW with a 3.8 Do Pilates 5 times a week (it's easy, so why not) Relatively tall, 5'9" Not exactly type A, but not type B either (ENFP) Main interest: drawing, although I do very little of it Currently taking time off before grad school / professional school, so my life is very silly I'm not sure if I appreciate Kevin Smith, or just hate him. Stoners are iffy with me. Please send photos. I'll feel like a bitch asking for them after we've made contact, so I won't be responding to non-visual introductions.

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Reply to: pers-197051261@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-08-21, 2:51PM PDT

*Edit* Note: please do not respond if you are not familiar with the term "indie", look like a douche bag, hang out at the lobby and try to impress girls by ordering bottle service, or are over 29.

ok. im not sure why i decided to do this. i am currently dating mainly one person, but as each day passes i feel like i'm wasting time. he's just not right for me. (also note that i am not in an exclusive relationship with him, we are both open about the whole seeing other people thing.) i should make it clear right now, i'm not looking for a relationship at all, but if someone great comes along..that's a different story. if i make a friend off this, thats cool.. i guess i'm just kind of testing the waters though to see what kind of people actually read these ads. i wandered on here off the apartments ads entertaining myself by looking at the pictures people posted in their ads. and after reading a couple well-written posts i thought i might give it a try.
about me. i have a good job in the music industry, do some modeling, i live in my own nice place in los feliz/ silver lake area, and i enjoy going to dive bars/shows/etc. around here. i am really into indie music, but tons of different kinds as well...mainly genres of rock, some hip hop, some electronic. i have longish blonde hair and am a slender, petite girl, green eyes and around 5'5". good style. funny when you get to know me.. random.. have been called weird but usually by people who don't get "it".. if that makes sense. i can handle my alcohol and enjoy drinking all kinds of stuff, the occasional cigarette though im not a full time smoker, and 420 sometimes.
i'd like to meet an interesting, not extremely shy, has friends, good looking, nice hair, good music taste, good conversationalist, has a sense of humor, intelligent guy, under 29. musicians, artists, all good~ has a 9-5 but enjoys something creative good too. im going to be completely honest- i am generally attracted to caucasian guys......preferably with brown hair.. maybe a little scruff..though im not opposed to blondes.. im sounding kind of shallow here, but i do think attraction is important, but so is chemistry to keep things going.
im absolutely not going to send a photo unless you send me one first. if someone i knew, saw me on here, i would be pretty embarassed.
send me your myspace if you have one.
PS- i tend to get along best with leos and aries, virgos too.. but hey astrology isnt always the key.
ok. thats it.

SHUT DOWN

haha meeder you bastard

run like a shamp

http://c.im.craigslist.org/5u/QO/9wIQ6Ojc7JEbAfnU8sCvU3GOY1p7.jpg

Reply to: pers-203267580@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-09-05, 1:48PM EDT

Yes, you.
I don't think your stories are funny.
Learn how to speak without cliches.
Learn how to type, motherfucker.

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

fake sex ad experiment on craigslist, fake 27 year old slut wants...

the context
http://www.waxy.org/archive/2006/09/08/sex_bait.shtml

the replies: text, pictures, and audio [warning: not safe for work environment]
http://tinyurl.com/oumon