shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

https://www.freep.com/story/news/local/michigan/2021/08/27/porn-collection-parents-pay-son/5618534001/

Just the headline:

'This new class of hot ocean worlds could support life'

https://www.cnn.com/2021/08/26/world/hycean-planets-habitable-scn/index.html

xp lol at that porn story, but i'm kinda with the son on that one
... but that's ALOTTA porn

https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/villains/images/7/71/Screenshot_11437.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/340?cb=20200430054041

oops

https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/villains/images/7/71/Screenshot_11437.png

https://www.itv.com/news/central/2021-09-01/white-supremacist-sentenced-to-read-literary-classics

A young Nazi sympathiser who downloaded bomb-making instructions has been sentenced to read classic novels including 'Pride and Prejudice' instead.

https://www.westernmassnews.com/watch-cow-rescued-after-getting-stuck-in-tree/article_cc25f1b9-c637-5e2d-a760-2e53c53e2fdf.html

(Meredith) -- The "steaks" were high in Louisiana after a group of Good Samaritans rescued a trapped cow after Hurricane Ida.

During the massive storm, floodwaters became so intense that they carried the cow away, forcing the animal into a tree.

The cow -- which had some real beef with the tree -- was safely rescued and was over the moon when freed.

good on them for getting 2, uh, meaty puns into a 3 sentence article

really, uh, milking it

I Made a Literal Licorice Pizza. I Sort of Can’t Believe the Result.

Coldplay will stop making music in 2025.

Haha I totally thought there was something absurd about that headline, or that I was missing something

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2022-03-02/billionaire-wall-street-heir-william-peterffy-takes-esg-role-to-fix-capitalism

The URL doesn’t include the healing crystal of the headline unfortunately.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/mar/12/ukraine-reveals-russian-warship-go-fuck-yourself-postage-stamp

Opinion: As a retired energy executive, I think Biden is to blame for high gas prices https://t.co/K6qU7XwAxw

— Houston Chronicle (@HoustonChron) March 16, 2022

As a Retired Serial Killer, I think Biden is to blame for the increase in crime

EPA won't regulate rocket fuel in drinking water

https://www.eenews.net/articles/epa-wont-regulate-rocket-fuel-in-drinking-water/

yay resistance

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/05/05/well/family/parental-burnout-symptoms.html

Netflix has greenlit "Squid Game: The Challenge,"a reality competition series based on the hit 2021 South Korean drama #SquidGame. https://t.co/jLTsOP476I pic.twitter.com/lkXqLE5NUW

— Variety (@Variety) June 14, 2022

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2022/jul/13/uk-government-to-table-no-confidence-motion-in-itself

trying to prove how clean the water is:

https://indianexpress.com/article/cities/chandigarh/punjab-news-bhagwant-mann-hospital-admitted-stomach-ache-delhi-apollo-hospital-8042452/

https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2022/jul/24/chess-robot-grabs-and-breaks-finger-of-seven-year-old-opponent-moscow

Lol came to post that one.

innovative new strategy, will have to give it a try in my next game

“The robot broke the child’s finger,” Sergey Lazarev, president of the Moscow Chess Federation, told the TASS news agency after the incident, adding that the machine had played many previous exhibitions without upset. “This is of course bad.”

of course

Top scientist admits 'space telescope image' was actually a slice of chorizo

Mike Lindell: Feds Seized My Cellphone at Hardee’s

“The FBI came after me and took my phone,” he said on Facebook. “They surrounded me in a Hardee’s and took my phone that I run all my business, everything with. What they’ve done is weaponize—the FBI, it’s disgusting. I don’t have a computer. Everything I do [is] off that phone. Everything was on there. And they told me not to tell anybody. Here’s an order: ‘Don’t tell anybody!’ ‘OK, I won’t!’ Well, I am.”

Sir, this is a Hardee's."

How Bob Dylan used the ancient practice of 'imitatio' to craft some of the most original songs of his time

Mercedes-Benz to introduce acceleration subscription fee

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-63743597

looking forward to people buying car armor from loot boxes

https://www.thearchaeologist.org/blog/scientists-have-just-successfully-recreated-a-dinosaur-from-chicken-dna

This has a real Clickhole vibe

https://scontent.fewr1-6.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/327710257_2460303994127076_4833502531328264050_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=ohX4uhkOyy8AX81ZlKt&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-6.fna&oh=00_AfAladtxOGadpYICxAvFGrWyKJrqUpVMXDt-QJ04wbcGmA&oe=63DD1343

more like a Day Today headline maybe

https://i.imgur.com/KpdA073.png

Instant noodles make up nearly one-third of childhood burn injuries, study finds

https://news.uchicago.edu/story/uchicago-medicine-study-finds-instant-noodles-make-nearly-one-third-childhood-burn-injuries

Mini responds to Chinese ice cream racism uproar

Nude landlord no excuse for holding back rent, rules German court

Clothe My Landlord

https://www.propublica.org/article/trains-crossing-blocked-kids-norfolk-southern

"Mark Zuckerberg wins gold and silver in his first Jiu-Jitsu tournament"

the mark zuckerberg invitational

any prior experience in ju jitsu automatically disqualifies you

real Kim Jong Il vibes, yes

He also won 'Most Handsome' and 'Tallest Man' awards

"I was not Meghan in disguise at coronation, says 79-year-old composer"
https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-apps/imrs.php?src=https://arc-anglerfish-washpost-prod-washpost.s3.amazonaws.com/public/D5KLUGCQLENU2VF3DXHSWSR34U.jpg&w=1200

show me some old men who look like the duchess of sussex!

wait

that's that fucker who took over soft machine after robert wyatt left

god fucking dammit

also they gave him a _knighthood_? they made that boring-ass fuso a _knight_? what the fuck? i'm sorry, did they do a kennedy center honors ceremony for the fucking yellowjackets?

Don't f*** with Waterloo. Glenn Howerton delivers an unhinged masterclass in BLACKBERRY, Matt Johnson's electrifying take on the world's first smartphone. Only in theaters THIS FRIDAY. Get tickets now: https://t.co/Twys5IridY

— IFC Films (@IFCFilms) May 10, 2023

I was kinda interested already, but Mac in a bald cap chewing scenery? Take my money.