shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

Coldplay will stop making music in 2025.

Haha I totally thought there was something absurd about that headline, or that I was missing something

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2022-03-02/billionaire-wall-street-heir-william-peterffy-takes-esg-role-to-fix-capitalism

The URL doesn’t include the healing crystal of the headline unfortunately.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/mar/12/ukraine-reveals-russian-warship-go-fuck-yourself-postage-stamp

Opinion: As a retired energy executive, I think Biden is to blame for high gas prices https://t.co/K6qU7XwAxw

— Houston Chronicle (@HoustonChron) March 16, 2022

As a Retired Serial Killer, I think Biden is to blame for the increase in crime

EPA won't regulate rocket fuel in drinking water

https://www.eenews.net/articles/epa-wont-regulate-rocket-fuel-in-drinking-water/

yay resistance

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/05/05/well/family/parental-burnout-symptoms.html

Netflix has greenlit "Squid Game: The Challenge,"a reality competition series based on the hit 2021 South Korean drama #SquidGame. https://t.co/jLTsOP476I pic.twitter.com/lkXqLE5NUW

— Variety (@Variety) June 14, 2022

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2022/jul/13/uk-government-to-table-no-confidence-motion-in-itself

trying to prove how clean the water is:

https://indianexpress.com/article/cities/chandigarh/punjab-news-bhagwant-mann-hospital-admitted-stomach-ache-delhi-apollo-hospital-8042452/

https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2022/jul/24/chess-robot-grabs-and-breaks-finger-of-seven-year-old-opponent-moscow

Lol came to post that one.

innovative new strategy, will have to give it a try in my next game

“The robot broke the child’s finger,” Sergey Lazarev, president of the Moscow Chess Federation, told the TASS news agency after the incident, adding that the machine had played many previous exhibitions without upset. “This is of course bad.”

of course

Top scientist admits 'space telescope image' was actually a slice of chorizo

Mike Lindell: Feds Seized My Cellphone at Hardee’s

“The FBI came after me and took my phone,” he said on Facebook. “They surrounded me in a Hardee’s and took my phone that I run all my business, everything with. What they’ve done is weaponize—the FBI, it’s disgusting. I don’t have a computer. Everything I do [is] off that phone. Everything was on there. And they told me not to tell anybody. Here’s an order: ‘Don’t tell anybody!’ ‘OK, I won’t!’ Well, I am.”

Sir, this is a Hardee's."

How Bob Dylan used the ancient practice of 'imitatio' to craft some of the most original songs of his time

Mercedes-Benz to introduce acceleration subscription fee

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-63743597

looking forward to people buying car armor from loot boxes

https://www.thearchaeologist.org/blog/scientists-have-just-successfully-recreated-a-dinosaur-from-chicken-dna

This has a real Clickhole vibe

https://scontent.fewr1-6.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/327710257_2460303994127076_4833502531328264050_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=ohX4uhkOyy8AX81ZlKt&_nc_ht=scontent.fewr1-6.fna&oh=00_AfAladtxOGadpYICxAvFGrWyKJrqUpVMXDt-QJ04wbcGmA&oe=63DD1343

more like a Day Today headline maybe

https://i.imgur.com/KpdA073.png

Instant noodles make up nearly one-third of childhood burn injuries, study finds

https://news.uchicago.edu/story/uchicago-medicine-study-finds-instant-noodles-make-nearly-one-third-childhood-burn-injuries

Mini responds to Chinese ice cream racism uproar

Nude landlord no excuse for holding back rent, rules German court

Clothe My Landlord

https://www.propublica.org/article/trains-crossing-blocked-kids-norfolk-southern

"Mark Zuckerberg wins gold and silver in his first Jiu-Jitsu tournament"

the mark zuckerberg invitational

any prior experience in ju jitsu automatically disqualifies you

real Kim Jong Il vibes, yes

He also won 'Most Handsome' and 'Tallest Man' awards

"I was not Meghan in disguise at coronation, says 79-year-old composer"
https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-apps/imrs.php?src=https://arc-anglerfish-washpost-prod-washpost.s3.amazonaws.com/public/D5KLUGCQLENU2VF3DXHSWSR34U.jpg&w=1200

show me some old men who look like the duchess of sussex!

wait

that's that fucker who took over soft machine after robert wyatt left

god fucking dammit

also they gave him a _knighthood_? they made that boring-ass fuso a _knight_? what the fuck? i'm sorry, did they do a kennedy center honors ceremony for the fucking yellowjackets?

Don't f*** with Waterloo. Glenn Howerton delivers an unhinged masterclass in BLACKBERRY, Matt Johnson's electrifying take on the world's first smartphone. Only in theaters THIS FRIDAY. Get tickets now: https://t.co/Twys5IridY

— IFC Films (@IFCFilms) May 10, 2023

I was kinda interested already, but Mac in a bald cap chewing scenery? Take my money.

also they gave him a _knighthood_? they made that boring-ass fuso a _knight_?

Sir Karl Jenkins of Nucleus/Soft Machine, presumably nominated for subsequent classical-type composing stuff

Karl Jenkins made a lot of mediocre or even bad music in the later days of soft machine, but he also made "soft space" so he can have a pass on anything and everything.

according to the Always Sunny youtube/podcast thing I watched... it's not a bald cap! They shaved the rest of his head after he finished the movie

also, that's Dennis, not Mac

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDAurtxtwu4

https://artdaily.cc/news/110495/Original-works-in-watercolor-and-ink-by-Chuck-D-on-view-at-Subliminal-Projects

"Original works in watercolour and ink by Chuck D"

examples: https://gallery30south.com/chuckd/

Grimes and Elon Musk Reveal Third Child, Techno Mechanicus, in New Biography

14 Upcoming Movies Based On Mattel Toys Releasing After Barbie

https://screenrant.com/upcoming-movies-based-on-mattel-toys/

Specifically the pitches: Hot Wheels (dir. JJ Abrams), Barney (prod. Daniel Kaluuya), Polly Pocket (dir. Lena Dunham), Uno (starring Lil Yachty), Chatty Cathy and Betsy Wetsy (prod. Jason Bateman)

Mexican police cuff crooked ‘demon doll’ Chucky

shit that looks like a Craig Brown article

https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/oct/12/i-was-a-shaking-gibbering-wreck-ex-blue-peter-presenter-yvette-fielding-claims-she-was-bullied-on-the-show

Fielding claims that she was asked to leave her parents’ home, and was then flown to Russia for six weeks, having only ever been abroad twice before, and that at one point producers even forced her to live with Bonnie, the Blue Peter dog, against her will.