God bless the goddamn Onion

if you're in the mood for livid sarcasm the homepage is pretty remarkable right now

Supreme Court Votes 5-4 To Drive Slowly Alongside Woman Walking Home Alone At Night

6-4 actually, Kavanaugh voted twice.

This is quite far down the page but oof

https://www.theonion.com/kavanaugh-thomas-champion-creating-better-future-for-n-1849106105

https://www.theonion.com/dying-polar-bear-has-to-admit-owning-a-private-jet-woul-1849435124

Oops, meant to post as a title:

Dying Polar Bear Has To Admit Owning A Private Jet Would Be Fucking Sick

So, @TheOnion filed an amicus brief before the Supreme Court in defense of parody under the First Amendment… and it’s exactly what you’d expect. https://t.co/1JFfSqUJFA pic.twitter.com/efapgFF7dx

— Anthony Michael Kreis (@AnthonyMKreis) October 3, 2022

Brett Favre Makes Amends By Sending Photo Of His Penis To Every Mississippian On Welfare

I feel like this is one headline that will keep coming up again and again:

Something Called ‘Guacamole Donut’ Burying News Of Dozens Of School Shootings https://t.co/TacilAGlyC pic.twitter.com/jUhmf2hRV9

— The Onion (@TheOnion) October 26, 2022

The Onion > ClickHole. I said it, fite me.

https://www.theonion.com/best-bios-from-the-conservatives-only-online-dating-sit-1849642523

I’m gonna go ahead and walk that back a lil bit.

It’s Women Of Color Visibility Month! And Even If It Isn’t, It Should Be, And Let’s Be Real, Are You Gonna Try To Argue It’s Not? https://t.co/mITLjGZEQa pic.twitter.com/SOkdExDIxf

— The Onion (@TheOnion) December 1, 2022

No the second one is good, whereas the first is just more evidence that they're better the shorter they are, and it keeps going past the point where you think it might loop back around to good - but it never does.

https://www.theonion.com/it-is-journalism-s-sacred-duty-to-endanger-the-lives-of-1850126997

Boiling the piss of the right people.

It’s a source of wonder to me that this guy once made a living out of writing comedy. Now he’s… this. Transphobia rots the brain, kids. pic.twitter.com/DHmSxABvoo

— Paul Duane 🏳️‍⚧️ (@paulduanefilm) February 17, 2023

https://www.theonion.com/evangelical-leaders-announce-j-k-rowling-finally-bigot-1850129128

loll

A meme from somewhere that I saw on discord.

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/886401332460793896/1081998660407136380/IMG_4542.png

https://www.theonion.com/texas-bans-consensual-sex-1848631845

https://www.theonion.com/j-k-rowling-announces-she-no-longer-transphobic-after-1850432981

kelly reaching the stars

https://www.instagram.com/p/CvIsExgu4RJ/

Is that on the Onion, or somewhere else publicly viewable?

https://www.theonion.com/curbed-emissions-1850673988

Kelly watch the stars

It’s great that through all the ownership and editorship changes of the Onion he is still there. Ward Sutton did a great cartoon (Ward’s Cleaver) under his real name for alt weeklies when those existed. And he went to my Alma Mater!

https://www.theonion.com/the-onion-stands-with-israel-because-it-seems-like-yo-1850922505

good shit

https://www.theonion.com/report-free-dead-bodies-buried-underground-seemingly-f-1850942454

no clue what's happening here but "Global Tetrahedron" has been The Onion's default fake name for generic corporations for a quarter century now https://t.co/U8kn5HN4vD https://t.co/6hlnVa65QS pic.twitter.com/7uwtqymc6J

— Eric Harvey (@ericdharvey) April 25, 2024

The new owners include tech guy Jeff Lawson and former NYT writer Ben Collins.

“Our goal is to be stewards for this thing,” he said. “We’re keeping all the writers, we’re going to work with the union, we’re going to make it so they can hopefully get paid a little bit more money, and we’re going to give them the room to grow.”

The new owners said they planned to improve user experience on the website and expand into multimedia, but otherwise wanted The Onion’s staff members to continue to do the work they’ve been doing.

Mr. Lawson and Mr. Collins, who were in Chicago Thursday to meet The Onion’s editorial staff, declined to disclose the deal price. Noah Shachtman, the former editor in chief of Rolling Stone, has advised on the project, according to two people with knowledge of the deal.

“The Onion is just an institution,” Mr. Lawson said, adding: “It should be preserved and it should be great.”

Wow. Collins was at NBC, not NYT, but really curious how a youngish journalist ended up in that position.

NEWS: My friends and I now own and run The Onion. I’ll be the CEO.

We’re keeping the entire staff, bringing back The Onion News Network, and share the wealth with staff.

Basically, we’re going to let them do whatever they want. Get excited.https://t.co/CQtWzFHn4A

— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) April 25, 2024

“Our goal is to be stewards for this thing,” he said. “We’re keeping all the writers, we’re going to work with the union, we’re going to make it so they can hopefully get paid a little bit more money, and we’re going to give them the room to grow.”

thought this was an Onion article at first

but really curious how a youngish journalist ended up in that position.

Turns out he skeeted his way into it:
https://bsky.app/profile/bencollins.bsky.social/post/3kr2kcufdxf2t

i've noticed a lot less bite in their insta posts lately?

well this acquisition might ruin my online 'handle'. at least they're clearly superfans as global tetrahedron is almost completely a reference in articles from 1999