I just left my girlfriend

rpa, yup, that's exactly how i'm feeling. remember, feel free to email me off board if you need some mutual sympathy

i like to go out and i can't afford to travel, so i understand where you're at..

Some good memories, of things that you will never find again, nevertheless fade away - alas.

Or perhaps they only become "good" once they are somewhat faded?

Are you sure you are not me posting under a pseudonym? Crazy coincidence. Anyway... it does get easier. The second month, I think, is when everything will finally settle in and life will suddenly feel like a breath of fresh air. Best of luck!

I'm surprised how well I'm dealing with things right now. I've been keeping busy, seeing friends, robbing banks, walking dogs, climbing trees etc; and although I am still very upset inside, the real pangs of anguish only come very late at night or if I'm really tired. The rest of the time I'm surprised at how chirpy I can be. I guess this mus signify that there were real problems with the relationship that I didn't know were there until I looked back. I feel bad for the past because obviously, I had the best times ever with her and I'll cherish these as long as I live but I've never been one to dwell too long on the past (or future for that matter) and now I'm just taking things day by day.
I've got a new job in March to get my teeth into and I'm starting to remember what it was like to go out and have fun without feeling guilty for doing it or having to check she hadn't messaged me.
I'm sad to say, it's not going so well for her unfortunately. We've been chatting on the phone and she has become very upset (to the point of a bit scarey) many times. This makes me feel bad because, although we split on excellent terms and even went out for lunch soon after, I feel guilty for having hurt her for some reason. I know I haven't done anything wrong but it must be because she is still very upset, and I am feeling okay that I am getting a guilt trip. She doesn't have as many outlets for her emotions (friends all at uni, unsympathetic mother) as I do so has always taken them out on me, and still is in a way when we speak. I've had "You're over me now aren't you?", "You said you loved me when we were going out - you obviously didn't" etc, which are completely unfair and anyone else would take as emotional blackmail but I understand that she is very upset with no-one else to talk to so I'm trying to be patient on it (not easy as it hurts us both).

Well, that was an epic wasn't it? Sorry if that read like a stream of consciousness poem written by a diseased goat, but there you go. HOpe you understood it.

But not long ago I confessed that I was falling for her in a big way - I don't want to feel like this - I'm not foolish enough to think that anything could happen between us and even if it did I know it wouldn't work. But I can't help it. Unfortunately, she clammed up, failed to offer me a resolution either way, and we've gone on as normal, with this weird mixture of hope and dread and uncertainty hanging in the air.

Then a couple of weeks ago I found out she was seeing my oldest friend - I basically found out at the worst possible time for me. I confronted her about it, like an adult, and she said they weren't seeing each other, just being affectionate, nothing could ever happen between them. A week later, I found out that was a lie, when I saw them together. I wasn't supposed to find out. After all the time and emotional support I've offered her, I feel I deserve better than this.

Anyway, its her life. I don't own her, and she deserves to be happy, they both do. Six months ago I'd have been overjoyed at them getting together. Now its crushing me. I want them to be happy together, but I can't sit there and watch it happen. I've had to walk away from my closest friend, the love of my life and the biggest part of my social life through no fault of my own and it fucking sucks.

The worst thing is the lack of space. I can't get away from this. We work together all day every day, in the same room. We share the same close group of friends. And it's all ruined. Right now I'm finding it difficult to see any positives in this whatsoever.

This has hit me far, far harder than any breakup, and I don't even have the good bit of having had a loving relationship first. I mean, even though nothing happened between us, we were still in many ways a couple. Now I find out she's got a big payrise, I don't know the details, and the fact that I'm no longer the first person she goes happily running to with the news hurts more than I can believe.

basically comes down to pushing the door ajar, giving plenty space, and going off and doing good things. not forgetting it necessarily, but, its kind of time to move on, whether you like it or not.

its sort of a dawsons creek/'the last summer'/fennesz/drop nineteens kick the tragedy kind of thing, the point where people (whether its 2 people like in this situation, or a group of friends) realise it'll never be the same again, (cf: the daft punk one more time video). sounds facetious i know, but, really, it isn't. its the closing up of something, the moving on. but, you know what, the good stuff is all to come, you just don't know it yet

this is all a bit "yo, where the bars at?" isnt it?

My sympathies, it sounds disgustingly horrible. Gareth is right though, the realisation that things Have changed and they won't go back to the way they were is scary but liberating (keep telling yourself that, I know I have to do this myself a lot). I think space is very important for you both, but seeing as you work in the same room and live close to each other it won't be easy. Are your friends in the same social group aware of this situation?

And if you are a regular that I know, you are more than welcome to mail me and have a moan over some GIN.

I know what I have to do with regard to other people - I'm not short on options. I'm planning on doing a lot more to spend time with friends I otherwise wouldn't see as much of, people unconnected to all this. There are loads of avenues to meet new people - take my mind off things.

But the idea that this is somehow the end is scary. Two weeks ago everything was fine, now its all blown to pieces forever is something I won't accept. At the heart of this is that my friendship with this girl is more important than any romantic feelings I might have, feelings that are relatively recent in the grand scheme of things. Is it naive to think I can stop this from all falling apart? I mean, I'm not strong enough to sit in the pub with her and her new man straight away, but in time, once I've moved on, found someone else? That's what I'm hoping.

I think you've got a good handle on it, in terms of time and distance being the best healers. You can go on and find someone of your own (though don't force it, or you'll end up in a horrible rebound relationship!) - or even sometimes you can find that watching your former love interest in a different relationship can give you an insight into their personality and relationship style that makes you *glad* in the end that it never happened between you! (This is my actual experience of a quite similar situation!)

Hang in there, and good luck.

BTW, yeah, I was the RPA up there. This story had a happy ending, as we talked, and we got back together a day later. No, we still haven't actually gone to Relate, or anything like that, but the fact that we both understand what's going wrong, why it's going wrong, and we're both willing to work to change it - even if that means getting outside help - gives me hope that we're going to be OK. We have similar goals and similar backgrounds and are actually remarkably well suited for one another (in comparison with Dog Latin and his Ex up there) - it's just a case of *not* arguing over the little tiny details as displacement activity for the rest of the (mainly career-related) stress in the rest of our lives.

Sorry to interrupt all this misery with a happy ray of light! I will return to being cynical now. ;-)

it'll all be terrible for a while, and it sounds like you're prepared for that, but i do think that you guys will be able to stay friends. probably first you'll be able to see her alone and both studiously avoid talking about Him, but eventually it'll all just seem normal.

and obviously the answer is to get him to invite her to the Prom on a boat. they'll be splitsville like instantly. :)

So um the point is that things take care of themselves if enough time goes by. And Gareth's advice about getting out and being the person you want to be - not dwelling on others - is key. I know I've had lots of, "if only I was different or she was different things would've worked out" dialogues go thru my head. It's worthless. Leave the past in the past. Things didn't work out for a reason.

But I don't know whether its harming my chances of getting over things as quickly as possible - being forced to see each other every day. But at the same time, I don't want to leave her under a dark cloud, I'm not otherwise especially unhappy in my job - although I had been considering moving on anyway.

I'm torn between whether to try and make a clean break with all this, or whether to sit here and see it out and only walk away once we've got things sorted. I can't help fearing that if I leave with things unresolved, and without us friendly again, we'll drift apart for good and that's the last thing I want to happen. Thankfully she's going to the Far East for a fortnight in a couple of weeks, that's about as much space between us as I could ask for, I suppose. Maybe I should set the time when she gets back as some target to work towards... see how I feel after a bit of absence.

But I certainly don't want to end up skint or in some shitty job I hate for another couple of years just because I got upset and walked out.

not spending time around her will definitely make the whole thing much, much easier, though.

neither! you have to do neither, you are putting her at centre too much. you have to deprioritize, and stop making decisions, rules, just make it less of an issue

if I leave with things unresolved, and without us friendly again, we'll drift apart for good and that's the last thing I want to happen.

you can't resolve it, its not yours to resolve, you just have to let it go a little, you cant make it alright, you can make it less of an issue though, by not focussing on it. you might drift apart, you might not, but you have to be in a position where its ok for that to happen.

you just have to back off, let it go, the more you try and do, the worse it will get...

do you believe in life after love?

He got a lot of play from the ladies, did DL. I'm assuming he offered a lot of jobbing actresses parts in his sitcom if they gave him a little boom chikka wow wow.

I even believe in life before love.

Hopefully DL will come back. I miss him.

i think he's the next grozart y/n?

http://img152.imageshack.us/img152/5540/orange9lj.jpg

"This week Mr Stew I am curious about minimal"