Let's bitch about our stupid, annoying co-workers

Boss:"Ronan could you comb your hair next time you come to work"

Me:"eh in fairness the contract doesn't say anything about me having to comb my hair"

Boss:"yeah but I mean you're a student now yeah? this job isn't so bad. they look after you well, it's a good wage, I'm happy with my lot"

Me:"I don't think there's any chance of me ever working here for a living, long term"

Boss:"Yeah and they pay your health insurance, it's not too difficult a job either"

Me:"Yeah no I'm never going to want to work here, to be honest I was planning on quitting as soon as I start college, or maybe even sooner, you needn't tell the main boss that"

Boss:"Oh don't worry, whatever is discussed here stays here. *long David Brent style lecture* I know what it's like to work WITH people and AROUND people, and I know that this station is not being run as effectively as possible, it's a clique, and I'm sure you can see that too Ronan. But quitting isn't going to change that. You quitting will not make this a smoother operation.

Me:"Eh I don't care about this job, I'm not sure what your point is"

Boss:"All I'm saying is, think about what I've said to you yeah? Just think about it"

Me:"............ok"

CEBCWTJCW: Morning Rachel!!! Oooh! What have you done to your NOSE??

Me: What? Oh yeah, it's a spot.

CEBCWTJCW: No! You've cut yourself or something! It's really RED.

Me: No, really, it's just a big, shiny, noticeable spot.

CEBCWTJCW: It looks really BAD!

At this point I gave up all hope of having a good day.

Woman At Next Desk: Oh, you used to live in London? So did I. I moved back after my daughter started school and, to be honest, I'm really glad I did. The education you get in London is terrible.

Madchen: I've heard inner city schools are, er, challenging.

WAND: Oh yes. I mean, she was one of only three white faces in the class.

Madchen: Oh. (Mutters something under her breath about 1 in 4 Scots).

Office twats who preface statements with 'I'm not being funny' should recognise that everything following the phrase comes with its own virtual kill file.

My other suggestion would be to canvass other coworkers for a pizza delivery one Friday and exclude her blatantly.

I work in a room with two people. Person 1 said to me all the stuff I wrote above. She thought nothing of saying it to a stranger (the assumption, I guess, being that I would think the same). Person 2 laughed along merrily. Also, I have come across numerous people in Glasgow who tell me they get scared in London because there are so many black people around. Again, the way they express themselves implies they feel no sense of shame whatsoever - they just don't see there's anything wrong in expressing obviously prejudiced opinions.

I'm not denying for a second that racism doesn't exist elsewhere (and I'm not forgetting that the survey found 3 in 4 Scots aren't racist) but this is the only place I've encountered bigots who have the expectation that my opinion must be the same as theirs.

reply from me: "actually, on Friday we both determined that we had the wrong CD and would have to special order a new copy. On Monday."

reply from my boss: "There must have been some miscommunication here."

yeah, between your ears and your brain. moron!

What the fuck?

Despite the fact that she's obviously still pregnant.

However, I AM authorized to purchase them, however I want, whenever I want.

What does that even mean?

SUBJECT LINE: I gotta get outta this place
...if it's the last thing I ever do (feel free to hum along.)

After a delightful morning spent discussing why someone:
1. Shouldn't open a printer paperfeed drawer, while the printer is printing;
2. Shouldn't send emails to everyone on their mailing lists about Church-related emails;
3. Should let others know when they need the printer instead of deleting documents in the queue;
4. Shouldn't tell someone "this is urgent" so they work really late to get it finished, when really, it isn't urgent at all and in fact, doesn't need to be done at all; and
5. Shouldn't take someone else's lunch from the refrigerator and leave it on the counter to make room for "extra drinks in case we have visitors,"
I have now experienced the conversation to top them all (and really, you have to laugh at this one. I did. Once I calmed down, imbibed chocolate and nicotine, and thought "well, at least it's not quantum physics?). So....here it is:

A Dialogue between "M" (yours truly) and "S" (Otherwise known as Scarett/Princess/Arch Nemesis/The Scarf Lady/etc.)
S: Hey "M"!
M: Yes?
S: You know how to work that digital camera yet?
M: Yeah, figured it out last week.
S: How long does it take to get those photos developed?
M: What?
S: I need some photos really fast, so I can photocopy them and make notes on the back. And get duplicates too, in case they get messed-up.
M: What? What pictures do you need taken?
S: I need to you take pictures of my computer.
M: Why?
S: I need to know what's on my computer.
M: (sigh) You are looking for a file?
S: No, I need to know what is on my screen thing.
M: (dawning awareness) You need screen captures?
S: No, I need pictures of my computer.
M: For....?
S: I need to know what's on my screen, 'cause these instructions don't make sense and I want to make notes.
M: Okay, then you need a picture of the information on your screen, that you can print and add notes to?
S: Yes.
M: Okay, we don't need the camera for that. We can just do screen captures. It's easy.
(M walks over to other office, taking deep and soothing breathes all the while, and explains how to "CTRL+ALT+PrtScn" - runs into trouble with explanation of holding down all keys at the same time. Eventually resolved and screen is captured.)
M: Now open Word and set the page to ?Landscape.?
S: My computer won't do that.
M: What? Yes it will.
(M goes through brief discussion of "portrait" vs "landscape" and how to perform operation in Word. Discovers part of problem is that S doesn?t know how to open Word because the icon isn?t on her desktop.)
M: Now just hit "Shift+Insert" and your screen shot will be inserted.
M: No, you need to hold down both keys at the same time.
M: I don't know, that's just the way the program is designed.
M: Yeah, it is find of frustrating.
M: Okay, now you have it. Just insert a new page for each of the next screen captures and then print the file.
(M returns to own desk and gets back into rhythm of formatting proposal.)
S: M! It isn't working. I want you to take the pictures for me.
M: I don't have time to take the pictures right now, I have to get this back to _____.
S: Well, I don't have the time to use the camera, so I guess this won't get done and _____ will be mad.
M: Yeah, I guess ___ will be mad, but I'll explain the problem to him.
S: Can't you do these thingys for me?
M: No, not right now. I have to get this done.
S: You know, it's your job to do this.
M: No, actually it isn't. I am sorry, but I really can't do it right now. If I have time later I'll come over and see what we can do. In the meantime, why don't you look under the "Help" menu to see if those instructions are better.
S: Oh, my computer doesn't have any "Help" on it. I keep telling ____ he needs to fix it, but he won't.

(M decides, for sake of sanity, to not try and figure out what that last comment means and returns to her editing, swearing all the while.)
End of original email.

And here are additional interesting tidbits about ?S?:
She claimed on her resume to be ?Microsoft Certified,? but was unable to explain what that meant;
She wrote all of her correspondence in Excel, because she didn?t know how to open Word (the icon wasn?t on her desktop);
When she came into work each morning, she made herself a pot of tea and sat in her cubicle reading household decorating magazines and drinking tea for the first two hours: and, best of all
She was once asked to provide a file that she had finished working on to another co-worker. The file was not on her hard drive for, as she explained, she ?didn?t want to fill it up with things? (and it was a 20 G HD!) File was eventually determined, by her, to be on a floppy. But floppy was blank when co-worker opened it. Eventually ?S? showed supervisor where she stored all of her floppys containing important info. She was attaching them to the metal parts of her cubicle with large magnets, so she ?could always find them.?

~ Laura (who is thankful that she can claim to be a happy rat, that abandoned the sinking ship in time to move to a much cushier and affluent ship, and is now ridiculously happy with things)

I've met a few people who have done basic "computer literacy" courses at colleges and Adult Ed. places who do this. What seems to happen is: the college says "don't store your files on the hard drive [of our lab computers], use a floppy" and the person absorbs this without understanding *why* they're being told it.

These sort of courses always seem to produce people who can't do anything except exactly what was on the course, and then only if their computer is set up exactly like the college ones were. Hence, not being able to start Word if it doesn't have a desktop icon.

(of course, the other stuff shows that this person seems to be a fuckwit regardless of that)

The ex-receptionist at my office once printed out an email so she could type it up in Word.

it's a sappy day.

1. "What does agriculture mean?"

2. "I was so annoyed. Someone threw themselves under my tube yesterday. People that do that must be mad."

3. Me: "Just tell them to put the web address in and it will take them straight into the site."

Her: "What address? Their address?"

Other things he did: worked at his cube standing up (making everyone around him very tense), unbuttoned his shirts halfway down his chest, commented on every phone conversation I had (work related or not), talked to himself, and played horrible CD-Rs of cabaret tunes he wrote and produced. I think the whole experience inoculated me against ever being annoyed by co-workers again.

Unfortunately something this stupid is uttered in my office at least once a day...

An old japanese woman wearing a baby dress and pigtails jumping and down in front of me at the desk. I just came in. Please, let me wake up a bit first. Or am I still dreaming?

i feel like i'm missing out

There's nothing like a five minute meeting with your boss in which he tells you that you've basically got like two months to turn things around with a mouth full of Mike n' Ikes.

big flat mole on the left side of his face with 9 really long and scraggly hairs growing out of it. He was always playing with them... twisting and pulling on them (but not pulling them out.) Very distracting....

"Please tell me if you understand what I am saying, at the moment in the exqualifier there are only a 4 digit code, you append another 3 in front of them I don't know where, but doesn't matter anyway to sort out the letter in the front for the new code."

I assure you it makes only 1% more sense to me than it does to you.

THis goes on at least ONCE A WEEK in my office.

Also, I don't think the owner's secretary knows how to use the phone properly, because she's always complaining that "the phones are down", but it's only her phone, apparently. And when someone comes in to test it, it works.

I think you just identified the perv dream of far too many people in the world. But you'd have to give them guns too.

The only really annoying thing my current co-workers do is send me ridiculous spam forwards about poisoned shampoo samples (normally originating from higher up in the Council!), then look sceptical when I explain that it's a dumb scaremongering thing to do. Also I have to tell them how to spell things all the live long day.

I have found that replying to annoying forwarders with a link to Urban Legends stops them dead in their tracks.

One of our senior partners asked me to scan some pictures for his daughter this morning, first thing - they were from medical books, examples of colostomys, I still feel ill.....

Not so much technically a coworker, but our auditors. There's this one who is the biggest prick bastard on the planet. He actually came and TOLD ME OFF because the company didn't order enough of the type of soda he enjoys - keep in mind A) this is not a supermarket B) this is not his actual workplace. Very nasty like too, I ended up telling him "YO, WALK YOUR ASS TO THE FUCKING FOOD EMPORIUM AND BUY YOURSELF SOME COKE".

I had to do the "no, I'm not snorting with laughter, I'm coughing" thing

And hey up, here comes smug, minging, briefcase-carrying 22-year-old rugby player that likes to touch my shoulder.

Ten more working days until I leave multinational corporate hell.

The motherfucker dumped out the fucking milk to prove a point.

* This person also imitates everyone's voices all day, chews tobacco at his desk, and looks at hardcore porn, openly, at his cubicle.

I was fishing also, with you and Chris V...I flew over just to fish....

Meanwhile, I am on top of the office statscock in production. Porn guy is taking his revenge on me by rearranging his work area so that he can see my terminal at all times. He seems baffled, though, that someone would check a BB or news site instead of porn or sports.

I really like my fellow teachers. We keep each other sane. Our principal however is a cockfarmer of the highest order. He cracks us up.

This whole thread makes me like my job again. Its hilarious. Especially MsLara's story about the cow-orker sticking floppies to the filing cabinet with magnets - classick! I used to love reading the tech horror stories at www.rinkworks.com - stuff very much like this.

"I'm telling you, if the terrorists really want to succeed, they'll just send in 20 year old girls with bombs strapped to their asses."

In other words: "Take my thong off and my ass go BOOM"

I wish I had some good coworker stories, but the only problem I have is the one who sings along to the radio all the time and jokes about hanging a big "GO AWAY" sign on the Statue of Liberty.

Not as much as e-mails to the entire company, saying something like "I lost my favorite pen in the 5th floor conference room; if you see it be sure to bring it back to my desk." One thing I'm not going to welcome if I ever get a regular job again.

Oh, this reminds me of when I worked for that obstetricians and gynecologists association. This was before 9/11, but the organization was targeted by a number of anti-abortion groups, so you had to show a badge or be vouched for by a staffer to get in the building.

Unless you're Santa Claus. One day in October a man in a Santa suit got past the guards without showing a badge or being accompanied. Given some of the security types I've met, it's entirely possible they still believed in Santa, and were afraid that he wouldn't bring them anything in December.

I don't like going over people's heads and playing boss unless they're bullying me, which he's not. Furthermore, he seems to have very low self-esteem and doesn't try very hard to boost his job skills - either that or he just doesn't know how - so he would have a difficult time finding another job, I think. He's just one of those people who hasn't adapted well to office culture and doesn't seem to get it. He's hurting himself more than anyone. I did privately speak to a male co-worker who is sort of friendly with this man, intimating that if x would listen to anyone, it would be another man.

I'd just rather have my own cubicle that is more than six feet away from him because I am toooo aware of his problems. I feel a little better about it lately because I have a new boss who seems to be a little more sensitive to my situation.

Secondly, he would never get into trouble for s.h. because it's a verrrry liberal environment and no one does anything like that. The only time someone got fir@d was when this woman, who was a hypochondriac and habitual liar, said that she lost relatives in 9/11 and needed to take some time off to grieve, which was just about the last straw.

Finally, I walked in on the dept. head looking at soft-core porn, so no one is going to point the finger at someone else. Since we partly deal in "erotica", I'm sure he could just say he was doing important research for the collection.

(sorry)

Now somehow it is my responsibility to fix this? I guess since I am the bathroom monitor. BETTER BUST OUT MY PIGGY BANK!

If it was my office, my co-workers would complain "Oh, we don't have the budget for nickels!" People, we work at a bank with a $110 BN market cap. Don't be afraid to spend some money, for chrissakes.

Failing that, I'm going to vomit on her.

I have a co-worker who tut-tuts whenever I pass her cubicle. She's one of these people who absolutely has to wear designer fashions and who thinks I'm below her because I wear Cheap Generica. She also wears the most obnoxious-smelling perfume I have ever had the misfortune of smelling. I would rather smell someone else's perspiration, it's that bad.

Another co-worker of mine is an overgrown boy. He stashes comic books all around his cubicle, plays computer games every chance he gets, and tells pathetic, juvenile jokes we've all heard 1,000 times before but that he seems to find funny. If it weren't for the fact that he always manages to get his work done (he handles the paychecks for oncology, which is this huge department with hundreds of employees), I would be ticked off at him. As for now, I just roll my eyes and consider him pathetic while wondering how he manages to do it all.

Oh! Who around here has to share a printer with several other people? I do, as I'm sure many of you do, and what always ticks me off is when someone just throws around other people's print jobs without thinking, "Gee, maybe someone might actually want to find all of their printed pages. Perhaps I could leave a neat pile after picking up my print job, instead of leaving this messy pile where nothing is in order." I have my suspicions of who the culprit might be, but I've never been able to catch the person and I don't think it's one of the aforementioned people because the woman is a total neat freak and the man doesn't share the same printer with me.

Still, at least it's not that bad. I can manage, and sometimes I feel that all of the above add a bit of color to the work environment. And my bosses are fab. I lucked out there; in my telesales job, I had bitches on wheels for bosses. In fact, everyone there was bitchy, because we had to deal with a lot of bullshit from people. Never again.

it's not that annoying, really, but just sort of huh office space is REAL.

And aaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiistill goin strong, 5 hrs and cou-in'

oh she just hummed along with a melisma there.

abt an hour ago he came up and gave me a cd and told me to listen to his new demo. I'm hoping it's a COPY that I can just take home and not like the actual THING that I would have to listen to promptly and then talk to him about.

sigh.

his solos are crap.

GAAAH ok the horns on Midnight Hour are really keyboardy and fake, but that's nothing I can compliment him on.

him: "our version of midnight hour I think improves on the original. the old one is kinda slow, you know? ours is more modern"

You've got to play him the Jam's version, explain that it was done fully 20 years ago, then kick him in the nuts.

"GET me my money! That's all I care about, ok? Get up, find someone who can find me my money! I'm sick and tired of talking to you! You obviously aren't listening to a word I say! Not a word! Nobody is able to tell me where my money was, and to be frankly honest, I don't care for this whole process one bit....Get ME MY MONEY! I really hate this. Where is my money? Where did it all go? Haven't you ever heard of an electronic check? I have records of it! So where is IT??? Give me someone else. Give me someone else to talk to. I don't want to talk to you any more. I mean, I'm sorry but this isn't gonna cut it. I want my money NOW!"

I was half-expecting him to say SHOW me the money. OH, well.

It was all very gangsta-sounding, but that's probably just because of the special russian mafia double episode of Law & Order I watched last night.

*she has been very stupid all her life, now she's stupid and senile

**it's. just. 24. dollars. FERKRISAKE!

hee hee.

"If Dirty want his money,
Y'all should give him his money..."

This person I agreed to work for does all Web work through FrontPage. Has NO CONCEPT of the code behind pages or the fact that you don't have to do everything using FrontPage. Tells me that my problem for uploading files is that I have "not logged on to FrontPage." I patiently try and explain, over and over, that it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FRONTPAGE. He doesn't believe me.

Then, he suggests I try and "get a copy" of FrontPage off of a techie guy he knows who used to work for Microsoft. You see, this person who specializes in business is now asking me to obtain illegal copies of software for his convenience.

The ironing is delicious. I am this close to saying, next time he insists on FrontPage, if YOU KNOW SO MUCH about how this crapsh!t software works why did you HIRE ME?

I was asked to scan in and include full colour pics of the (incredibly unattractive) staff, and so I did (even though I tried to tactfully suggest this wasn't a good idea), but they came back complaining that all the photos looked really bad, blotchy and/or black and white. They looked perfectly fine on various machines I used and it then ocurred to me they were probably looking on a shitty old 16 colour monitor.

So I explained this to the so-called web design co. I was freelancing for and they simply said "make the photos better quality, the client isnt happy". WTF!??!?! They were already 256 colour good quality jpgs.

I rather wisely told them to shove theit freelance work up their arses not long after. The end client having no clue is one thing, but the design company also having no clue was a downright hoot.

They didn't understand why it's useful to upgrade for under $100 to FileMaker 6 because "we just upgraded three years ago."

No, I will not fix your computer.

The university system is totally fuX0red.

she is completely fucking unconscious to any human experience save her own. so blithely chucklingly STUPID that it's hard not to read it as coldhearted viciousness. [nb: she works the phones in the hr dept of the fiscally-haemhoragging laborbashing byzantine ratmaze of a public ed inst where i work]

"oh did you year about MY BIG CRISIS on friday? a man called threatening to kill himself! i mean, i guess he wanted his retirement money to go to his family. it's so funny though, we just had a workshop abt difficult customers and one of the things was someone threatening suicide, and i'm like 'no way, that never happens.' anyway, i guess someone from his office took him to the hospital. this job is so STRESSFUL sometimes, i don't know how i do it! okay, byee!!"

anyone know people like this? everything they say is like listening to someone else's unreliable narrator? let me laugh bitterly and relate this one: "i call my friend [whoever] AAALL the time, but it's their cell phone, and maybe they don't have it on a lot, or it's old and doesn't have caller id, but i have left SOOO many messages about, you know, lunch or something, and they haven't EVER gotten back to me! it's the wierdest thing!" CAN YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELF NARCISSIZE OVER THE GNASHING OF MY TEETH YOU FUCKING CUNT?!?

I'm also being irritated by this guy who's over 60 and looks down on me because I'm less than a third his age. It's as if I'm not allowed to have an opinion simply because my brain hasn't deteriorated as much as his has. Bah.

You read it here first.

This fellow has a Master's degree and was NOT joking.

07/02/2003 : "And in those angel eyes"
"Gimme gimme gimme"
13/02/2003 : "Now you're giving me the WILL to survive"
17/02/2003 : "Come fly with me lets fly lets fly away, choo choo choo choo"
18/02/2003 : "Lost and lonely"
"Now you call my name umm hmm hmm hmm"
"DA DA DA DA DA DA (REALLY FUCKING LOUDLY) MAAGIIC MOMENTS"
27/02/2003 : "My darkest hour, I just get lost"
28/02/2003 : "You came into my liiiife" (quite tuneful this one).
03/03/2003 : He appears to be humming the theme tune from batman, but I could be wrong.
05/03/2003 : "And then you start to scream 'Give it to me'"
07/03/2003 : "You say it best-ah when you say nothing at all"
"Cos breaking up is so"
"You know that I need your tender touch"
10/03/2003 : "Wish you wanted my..." CLICK CLAP CLAP "dum de dum"
12/03/2003 : That Muppets tune followed by...
"You say that you love you love me but then you say you don't
You say you'll come on over but then you say you won't"
13/03/2003 : "Two hearts living in two separate worlds da dap dadap dap"
14/03/2003 : "That's where I'm gonna go when I die CARDIO-VASCULAR!"
"Mr Saturday Dince (?) da da da da daaaa da da da da da da da da da da"
"Doo doo dooo dooo dooo don't get around much any more"
17/03/2003 : "It's a beautiful day"
19/03/2003 : "Every do do do do do dooo do do la la la la la la"
20/03/2003 : "These are the days of our lives"
21/03/2003 : "Is a name I call myself a long long way to run"
"A DROP of golden sun-ah!"
"Nanananana You win again! Mmmmm-hmmmmm"
27/03/2003 : "Alone to the pyramids at night"
"I don't care what they say.... Tomorrow!"
01/04/2003 : "Love! Lift us up where you belong"
08/04/2003 : "Who knows what tomorrow brings"
"All I know is here and now morning ruth"
"Do you need someone to love, bom bom bom bom"
10/04/2003 : "Devoted to you hooom"
14/04/2003 : "No you can't take that away from me"
15/04/2003 : "And if you should discover that you don't really love her"
"Take good care........ of my baby"
"Be just as kind as you can... veee"
16/04/2003 : "RIIIAG NONA RIIIAGGHHH!"
17/04/2003 : "The lambs of mist"
25/04/2003 : "Got my fingers got mah"
06/05/2003 : "In my hour of darkness"
"There will be an answer, let it be"
07/05/2003 : "I'm just a soul whose intentions are good"
08/05/2003 : "I say yes you are wonderful"
27/05/2003 : "I don't care what they say I'm gonna love you child any old way"
"I'll give you dee dee dee I don't care, Yeah!"
30/05/2003 : "Love the one you're with"
02/06/2003 : "Talkin' about..."
"I can't go on..."
05/06/2003 : "Do the little ordinary things that anyone ought to do ba bom ba bom"
"The very thought of you and I forget you the ordinary things"
"I'm living in a time of day"
"Tell me that you'll come on over"
25/06/2003 : "Women of a certain age"
27/06/2003 : "You don't neaaad me"
"Baby now that I've found you da la dela go"
30/06/2003 : "My love won't ever be the same"
"I sit and watch"
"It's not the way you smile that tears me apart"
01/07/2003 : "Don't break my heart"
"Build me a buttercup"
02/07/2003 : "My cherie amour pretty as a summer's day"
03/07/2003 : "And words are all I ha-ave to take my heart away"
04/07/2003 : "THE RISE AND FAAAHHHL! do do do dodododododo" (v. loud)
07/07/2003 : "My back's turned to the sun"
08/07/2003 : "I hope I die"
"The writing's on the wall dldldldldldlddedld"
09/07/2003 : He is singing the match of the day theme tune.
10/07/2003 : He is muttering "Porche" to himself.
11/07/2003 : "I will never let you see"
"I will never let you go"
"How my broken heart is how many good one's we got Frank?"
"Oooh heartaches and pains"
"I'll do my crying in the rain"
"All my heartache and pain"
15/07/2003 : "Well I know in times of trouble... mothermarycomestome"
22/07/2003 : "I will never ever let you go, oh Nikita I love you so"
23/07/2003 : "You tell me that you'll come on over then you say FRANK!"
"Please don't please da da dada da da"
24/07/2003 : "You know that I need your tender.... touch"
"I'll give her to you one more time..." (makes farting trumpet noise)
"You're lonely like a hurricane"
"Then you say you don't"
"Galveston oh Galveston"
25/07/2003 : "The way you smile tears me apart... doesn't matter what you say"
"I'm gonna love you girl any old way"
"I don't care what they say about yooou"
"Foulll! Bobby Charlton!"
30/07/2003 : "You got a long long way to go... ah-ha"
"Yes you will pay a price but look how much it changed"
"I can do anything, I am STRONG!"
"I am strong, I am invincible"
01/08/2003 : "Doesn't matter what they say, gonna love you child any old way"
04/08/2003 : "Still crazy after all these years"
"Deee it be nice to hmmm hmmm hmmmm"
05/08/2003 : "Lalalalala it's not the way you smile that.... tears me apart"
"I'll have a little band of gold... that you are mine"
02/09/2003 : "You get a little weary when the sun goes down"
09/09/2003 : "There's a truth in your eyes saying how are you young lady?"
"Say you'll never leave me"
10/09/2003 : "I had the time of my life, and I never felt this way before"
11/09/2003 : "Love is the right thing to DOOOOO! right..."
15/09/2003 : "I'm beginning to see the light"
18/09/2003 : "Start off the day with pie and scar father jones" (?!?)
19/09/2003 : "I don't know why"
23/09/2003 : "Why d'you pass me by-hy"
24/09/2003 : "I'm so happy I almost died"
25/09/2003 : "Stop look and listen, dat-ta-da"
26/09/2003 : "I got my self a da-waag oh woah woah woah"
08/10/2003 : "Little darling... Little darling... ... ... Little darling"
"Little darling"
"Little darling"
"Little darling... It's been a long long"
"Little darling"
10/10/2003 : "Your mod soul... The day the muuuuuuuuuuuuuuusic died"
"The day the music died... Do you believe in god above"
13/10/2003 : "HIYA! Baby I know..."
"Oh how can I"
"and I'll cry if I want to. Cry if I want to. You would cry too if it hap-"
"dedididuedidue" Followed by weird snort noise - what the hell was that??
16/10/2003 : "It's a beautiful day"
"It's not the way you smile that tears me apart"
"What can I do"
"I don't care what they say about you... Cheep... tra la-la la-la
they say you've never ever been true"
17/10/2003 : "I'm sendin' out an SOS"
20/10/2003 : "Pick up the phone"
22/10/2003 : "Happy end of the day. Yes I'm certain that it happens all the ti-i-iime"
24/10/2003 : "Talking 'bout my girl. (Spoken) I got sunshine on a cloudy day"
"I know you'll say"
"In the month of may"
"I've got so much love... hea hea hea hea hea"
31/10/2003 : "It's another lonely daaay"
"I don't care what you say about tomorrow"
03/11/2003 : "Lean on me when I'm not strong, de la la la"
05/11/2003 : "My darkest hour, baby I want you"
"I just can't live without it"
"You're the guiding light and suh-duh-duh my darkest hour"
"I just can't-ah live without... You love-uh and affection"
07/11/2003 : "de-de-da-da-da-da Move ooooooon up"
14/11/2003 : "Back in the USSR, I know how lucky we are"
17/11/2003 : "It's very superstitious, the writing's on the wall"
18/11/2003 : "At the end of the line"
26/11/2003 : "Who's gonna take you home"
27/11/2003 : "I win again"
"'Cos I need you the whole time, yeah!"
28/11/2003 : "Welcome to my world"
02/12/2003 : "I'm gonna make believe it came from you"
"I'm gonna sit right down"
"If a picture paints a thouuuuu-sand words"
"Then why can't I paint you"
"I remember yoooooou"
04/12/2003 : "And the laugh's on you"
"Saga 106.6 fm"
05/12/2003 : "I should have to-ooold you myself"
(Spoken)"Don't you know? That I heard it through the grapevine"
"It takes me by surpriiiiise what you say"
"I took you by surprise"
"Just about to loooose my mind, honey honey"
08/12/2003 : "Time on my hands do do do do do-do"
12/12/2003 : "I'll give it to you one more time"
16/12/2003 : "Lookin' swell"
17/12/2003 : "This gun's for hire, do-do do do do do"
"This is mah song"
"I wonder ... ... I wonder ... ... I wonder"
23/12/2003 : "I'm crazy right now"
24/12/2003 : "I remember all my liiiiife, dal-al-al-al daaaaa daaaa daaaaaa"
"I remember, how you doing Alan?"
"Oh Mandy you came and you-"
05/01/2004 : "I can tell you're gonna cry, is it over me"
"By the look in your eyes, I can tell you're gonna cry"
"Cos I'm the kind of guy who's always on the roo-aaaa-oooo-ddd"
"Wherever I lay my HAT"
06/01/2004 : "RIGHT! Baaaa-aaaayyy-beee!"
09/01/2004 : "Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree, it's been three long years"
12/01/2004 : "In New Yooooork City... Yap"
13/01/2004 : "You took me my surpiiiisee I might say, when I found out"
(spoken)"I bet you're wondering how I knew"
16/01/2004 : "When I've got that feeling"
"There'll be no while flag upon"
"There will be no while flag upon this ship"
"Tell me tell me lies"
"Tell me tell me lies tell me sweet little lies, tell me lies"
19/01/2004 : "I bet you wondered how I knew"
21/01/2004 : "I'm talkin' 'bout my baby"
"I'm not talkin' 'bout my baby"
22/01/2004 : "Gotta get a WITNESS! Especially you girl"
26/01/2004 : "I'm TOO busy thinkin' 'bout my baby"
29/01/2004 : "Aye poy poy riiiaaagh for a while"
"Do you believe in this rock and roll"
"I was a lonely teenage bronkin' buck with pink carnation and a pick-up truck"
"Do you believe in god above"
"The good old boys are drinking whisky and rye"
30/01/2004 : "The day the music died"
02/02/2004 : "Love hurts"
"When I saw you"
"Cry-ay-ay-ay-ing over you"
"It was alright... For a while"
03/02/2004 : "The day the music died"
"Why why miss american"
04/02/2004 : "Love hurts, love dies"
"And even so it takes a..."
05/02/2004 : "It's a hard day"
06/02/2004 : "You're unbelievable!"
10/02/2004 : "Out of my head"
"Here comes the sun I say"
11/02/2004 : "LATIN!"
12/02/2004 : "I'm coming out of the kitchen, rawwr grrr ggrrr rawwr urrr rawwr"
"No I need a place
20/02/2004 : "You gotta take my breath away"
24/02/2004 : "About your plans to make me blue"
"I'll bet you wondered how I knew... Nop shnop nop"
25/02/2004 : "Give me just a little more time and our love will surely grow"
26/02/2004 : "On broadway!"
"The neon lights... On broadway"
He's clapping really loudly whilst singing "On Broaaaaadway!"
"In the air on broadway... aaaaaooooohhhh BUGGER!"
27/02/2004 : "There's a girl I know lala lala dadada"
03/03/2004 : "Holding back the years"
"Sooner or later"
"The revoluuuution's here"
05/03/2004 : "A kiss... Is still a kiss"
08/03/2004 : "This old heart a' mine"
"A hundred times I'll take it out"
"A hundred times I'll take you back"
10/03/2004 : "Diamonds are a girl's best friend"
12/03/2004 : "Loving you is easy 'cos it's beautiful"
15/03/2004 : "Loving you... is easy"
16/03/2004 : "I'm gonna wait 'til the midnight hour"
19/03/2004 : "Bet you're wondering how I knew, about your plans to make me blue"
26/03/2004 : "Here I am stuck in the middle with you"
"I don't know where it is at night"
"Cos it means that much to me, you took me by surprise I must say"
"I bet you wondered how I knew"
"I'm just about to loooose my mind"
"I bet you wondering how I knew 'bout your plans"
30/03/2004 : "Bringing on baaack the good times"
"I wanna spend some time"
"Want somebody who will spend some time"
31/03/2004 : "I'm gonna wait until the midnight hour"
"If a man could be places at one time I'd be with you, woah woah dooo"
07/04/2004 : "Do I love you? Yes I do"
"You took me by surprise I must say"
08/04/2004 : "Night and day... Think it's all over"
"Every night and day"
"I think we're alone now... Ah lehh le lehhh do la bah"
"There'll be night and day"
13/04/2004 : "I think we're alone now"
"Every night and day" CLAP CLAP
"Remind me baby of you"
"On the dancefloor " CLICK "Remind me baby of you"
15/04/2004 : "I took you by surprise I must say"
16/04/2004 : "I die each time... I hear this song... Here he comes"
"That's for sure"
"The only trouble is"
"I can make you mine I can..."
"The only trouble is, gee whiz, I'm dreaming my life away"
"Any time night and day, the only trouble is gee whiz"
"I can taste you lips of white, and (sic) time night and day"
19/04/2004 : "Anyone who ever hurt me"
"I'll never fall from the sky, right into your arms"
"I hope you comprehend"
20/04/2004 : "I'm so busy talkin bout my baby"
"Aint got time for something else"
21/04/2004 : "There's a girl I know"
28/04/2004 : "You took me by surprise"
29/04/2004 : "It don't impre-eh-es me"
"That don't impress me much"
"You don't impress me much"
"Talking 'bout my baby, hmmm mnnn mnnn hm hmm hm hm"
"Where the river...."
30/04/2004 : "The tracks of my tears"
"Be so nice to come home to"
06/05/2004 : "Going out for another drink"
"It's a whiter shade of paaale"
"You're simply the best, neh neh neh"
"Simply the best"
"Tell me that you're gonna love me baby, then you say you won't"
"You say you donnnnnnt"
"I love you like a hurricane"
07/05/2004 : "There you were"
"Too busy thinkin' bout my bay-beh-heh"
"Too busy thinkin' about my baby"
"Where the river ends"
11/05/2004 : "Foo once in my life"
12/05/2004 : "I don't know why"
"Too busy thinking bout my baby, I ain't got time for uuuuooooppp"
13/05/2004 : "Ah de doh da, because I'm jive talking"
14/05/2004 : "R.E.S.P.E.C.T."
"R.E.S.P.T."
"Just a little bit"
17/05/2004 : "There'll be no wan"
"There'll be no white flag"
18/05/2004 : "Hello, is it me you're looking for"
"I can see it in your eyes, but I haven't got a clue"
19/05/2004 : "Where I right or wrong" CLAP
"I'll be down on my knees"
"If I were a tower of strength"
27/05/2004 : "I want to break free"
"Love is nature's way of giving UUUAAH reason"
"Love is a many splendoured thing"
"It's the april rose that only grows in the early spring"
28/05/2004 : "In the land of the"
"In the land of the"
"In the land of the" -- I don't think he knows the rest
"I really know"
"I really know" -- he's not doing well with lyrics today
03/06/2004 : "Won't you come home baby... Please come home... You pay the rent"
"And I'm gone pay the rent"
04/06/2004 : "Your candle burned out lo"
"Goodbye Norma Jean"
"Goodbye Norma Jean, we're on the 22nd floor"
"When love comes to town gonna"
07/06/2004 : "Sunshine on a rainy day... yeah"
09/06/2004 : "I need someone"
"I need someone to love. do dodo do do"
10/06/2004 : "It's just an-o manic monday"
"This gun's for hire... do do do do do"
11/06/2004 : "Baby I shouldn't love you"
14/06/2004 : "Two of us guys you know I love you more.... Huhum"
"Took me by surprise.... I must say"
"I bet you're wondering how I knew"
15/06/2004 : "I love you and I love you more"
16/06/2004 : "You took me by surprise I must say"
"I bet you wondered how I knew"
21/06/2004 : "The wedding bell"
23/06/2004 : "It's twelve o'clock in the morning"
24/06/2004 : "Here I am! Signed, sealed... delivered"
"My babe wrote me a letter"
"That's the way it is"
"That's the way it is.... (Spoken, in bad american accent) Bruce Hornsby!"
25/06/2004 : "You make me blue"
"Bet you wondered how I knew, about your plans to make me blue
with some other guy you know before"
"I welcome the selter of someone's arms"
28/06/2004 : "Lay lady lay, lay across my"
"Come come come into my life"

I know you might think it's sad of me to have written all this down, but it's the only way I can think of to stop myself PUNCHING HIM IN THE EFFING GOB.

I have been stuffing myself with flumps and refresher bars to power up before the meeting. I will probably keep quiet and squirm through it.

There's so much more but I think if I get started I'll never stop.

spent the next 15 minutes checking .ssh/authorized_keys, hosts.allow, iptables config, mysql.user and mysql.db tables in minute detail and demonstrating that it works from my pc.

turns out that he doesn't know how to spell 'calypso'.

On Friday I had put this something in her office and said 'I've put the thing in your office'.

Later on Friday she moved the something back to my (reception) desk and said 'I'll put it there, then I'll be able to find it on Monday'.

Arrrrgh!

Me: "I can't make the changes on this one page because it's a PDF file. Can you email me the original you made the PDF from?"
Her: "I don't have it - maybe look on [name of laid-off web designer here]'s computer?"
Me: "Already did. Only the PDF version is there. I need the original so I can make the changes"
Her: "I don't know where it could be"
Me: "It's a pretty detailed form [it's a three-page application form with lots of stuff dense-packed in] and it would be a major pain to redo from scratch."
Her: "Well we didn't want anyone to make changes on it once it was done"

*head hits table*

And people ask why I'm leaving.

B: "Did I tell how good a movie Scary Movie 3 was?"
D: "I know thats one of the best movies."
C: "I've never seen it, should I?"
B&D: "Absolutely!"
B: "I also love that Steve Martin movie Bringing Down the House. Queen Latifah is such a good actor."
ME: "Are you fucking serious?"
BD&C: "Yes, and besides you like all those WEIRDO movies like The Duke Tennenbaums."
ME : "Im going to smoke bye."

This is one of many incidents my then girlfriend used to tell me about. She hated his guts but I looked forward to finishing work and hearing about him.

He was a tight fisted lad as well, he used to go out with them for a pub lunch and not order anything. He would sit with a half pint (or a pint if someone else was buying) of lager then eat everyone's leftovers.

If someone bought a pile of cakes for everyone in the office he would take a bite out of all of the surplus ones in the fridge so that no-one else would eat them.

if he hadn't gone and copy the other 4 times it would actually have been clever of him (or at least he could pretend that it was) to copy it once first!!

I'm not an obsessive tidier but there's nothing more annoying than not being able to find a cd when a customer asks for the listening copy of it.

Also since I'm simply his co-worker I don't know how to say it. I've been meaning to mention it to the boss but then I'm telling tales and as I said he is a nice guy.

!!!

Co-workers who make it seem that their daily tasks are "incredibly difficult but dammit, they do it anyway, no problem at all, hey you gotta pay your dues", doing this only to impress the higher-ups.

i.e. this girl I work with who makes it seem like her daily chores of assembling footage notes and keeping in contact with the transcription company are tasks that will take her ALL FUCKING DAY, and she's very sure to be very nice and act "tired" but "hey, it's cool...", plus compensating for the fact that she doesn't do any fucking work by coming in a little earlier and staying a little later. And all she does is surf the net! Hey I surf the net too obviously but I also work constantly! damn.

One day I screamed at him that all he wanted was a) more money, b) a job in his field of study, and c) to sleep with the girl he'd been flirting with all that fall.

That shut up him for a day or two, but no more.

She hates me. Or maybe I should stick with "She hate me" but that movie sounds rub.

xpost

Our boss actually said at the end of a staff meeting that "If you're checking your personal web mail, or reading forums, or webchatting while you're here... then you're stealing from me."

We all had a good laugh after he left, and "stealing from (boss's name goes here)" has became a code phrase for "illicit" web activity.

So then I pick it up to look at the cover sheet to see if it says what the position is.

So then the coworker comes over (it was hers after all) grabs it up and says, "Don't look at anything that doesn't have anything to do with you!" I go over to her desk and say, "I'm sorry. I thought maybe they were going to hire someone else without letting us know."

Then next time I go to get something off the printer, she's standing there. She flips through and takes her things out. Then she gets to an order I printed out and drops it immediately back down on the printer saying, "I don't read things that don't concern me!" I thought she might be joking, so I started to laugh, but then she huffed and stormed back to her desk.

Anyway, I was just alone in the kitchen eating my lunch and reading. He came in and was quiet for like a minute. Then he interrupted me and was like, "Sarah, we haven't been having our talks any more." Whatever that means.

He got around to talking about my band. He asked something to the effect of, "Are you trying to make it big?" Before I could say anything in response, he shook his head and say, "Oh, no, I guess not, much too late for that. Now you have to get married and start having kids. Plus, you have this job now."

One of our offices is having Printer Problems. One of their printers died yesterday, and we've been trying to decide what to buy them to replacement. Anyway, this morning me and another IT staffer are in their office, and the office supervisor says:

"If you don't get that printer fixed by tomorrow, you've got a big problem. We've got to print our weekly reports tomorrow, and that's the only printer where we can get it to line up with the form on the paper."

We explain that, as we're going to have to buy her a new printer - which we told her yesterday, there's no way it will be replaced by the morning.

"Well, it's your problem. You're welcome to try lining up the paper on the other printer, but I don't think you'll be able to."

So, we retire to the IT office. "Total bullshit" says our manager. The co-worker offers to donate his printer to the cause of inter-office harmony, and I swap them over. I go to her and ask what one of these reports looks like, exactly, and which computer they want to print it from. I do a test run; it lines up exactly, first time; so I explain that the printer that's now sitting on the desk across the room is a different one (she hadn't noticed me lugging the old one out and this one in) and that it will therefore have a different name on-screen. And then, I go around the office setting everyone's computers up to use the new printer.

Ten minutes later, I'm printing a test page from one of the other computers, and she gets up to go over and see what it is.

"Are you trying to print something?"

"Yes, but it doesn't seem to be working."

"Which printer are you trying to print to"

"Oh, I don't know," she says, getting a bit louder. "Printer X, Printer Y, you've moved them all around, you keep saying that what we've been calling Printer X for years we should actually be calling something else! It won't print! Look, I'm trying to print an email and it takes THIRTY SECONDS to send it to the printer! This is a busy office! I don't have time to wait that long each time I have to print an email"

"Um, couldn't you do something else whilst you're waiting for it to print"

"Like what, exactly?"

"Well, I don't know - I don't know what work you have to do whenever"

"Can't you just fix it? Why can't you get it to print straight away"

"Um ... well, I could try altering one of the settings. I can't promise to make it faster, though."

"Look, I've had it up to here with your ARROGANCE. It's A FUCKING PRINTER, NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. YOU'RE IN I.T., YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET IT WORKING. You're just TOO ARROGANT ALL THE TIME." And she picked up her packet of fags and stormed off to the smoking room. Her staff - there are normally four or five other people in the same office - sat in deathly silence.

Our manager had, I knew, already complained to hers about her telling us that we "had a big problem" earlier. The next time I popped into his office, coincidentally, both of them were having a chat; so I casually mentioned that she'd "got a bit shouty" with me, and told them what she said. Mwahahaha.

(this office supervisor often phones me up complaning that the fax server isn't working because a fax she sent ten minutes ago hasn't been sent yet. The answer is almost always "the other end isn't answering the phone", which isn't exactly something I can help with - although she does often say "isn't there anything you can do about it?")

During those rare moments when she's not eating, she's barely intelligible and mumbling on and on, never really finishing a sentence.

Oh, and today she's wearing her stinky pants.

I was just informed of the verdict by someone who sounded like he was delivering me news of the Hindenberg crashing. Puh-lease.

But then again, at least I don't have to deal with Mimi Smartypants' co-workers:

Yesterday I was peeing in the office bathroom when someone else came in, went into a stall, and started doing her thing. I finished and was washing my hands when A Rude Noise erupted from the mystery person's stall. Immediately, the mystery person said, "Excuse me." I have several issues with this.

(a) If you can't make rude noises in the bathroom without making the customary verbal excuses, where can you make them?
(b) To be honest, I am not sure I ever want to hear "excuse me" or a sheepish ownership claim from makers of rude noises, even when we are face-to-face, even when it is obvious what has happened. Rude noises are embarrassing enough---must we dwell on the topic?
(c) Most horrifying of all: when the rude noise occurred, I had no idea who was in the stall, since I had not seen her come in. But when she said, "Excuse me?" I KNEW. AND I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW.

Woo-hoo! Free booze for all! Do they really think we'll gte any work done now? My data analysis is getting abit shoddy after too much red wine. I've decided to name my querystring MONEY so I can be happy when my database is on it. Heh.

I heart ad agencies!

OK, I have to work like a bloody dog, and I'm probably going to be here until at least 6, but, hey... FREE BOOZE!

(xpost)

The first day here, they gave me a spreadsheet with 270 photos of rubbish bands on it and said that it was the office challenge to see how many I could name. I got 190, which was the second hightest in the office (after the boss of course).

I had *forgotten* all the good things about working in Advertising.

Asshole.

What I never got too, is in Outlook, hitting reply is easier than reply-all, IIRC. I couldn't understand why someone would mess it up.

It was especially excruciating when the orig callout was from a teamleader asking for some kind of personal feed back from each of us and some dork would reply-all with some whine we weren't meant to see... haaha, sucker.

you're not anything of the sort. i would spit in the face of anyone who objected to me reading the paper at my desk.

i like all my co-workers a lot: we have a good time

We go in. I start on a fairly methodical, but OK, pitch. Two minutes in she contradicts me on whether the market is growing or declining - she says -30% decline over past 2 years, I say +2% growth. I KNOW I am right as I never go into these things without knowing the answer to this sort of basic question. I say, here's the data, look it shows a slight increase. She says, well your data must be wrong! This is urgent and key to get right as you would have fundamentally different plans for growing and declining markets. Management are not impressed. I manage to get off this point and onto the detail of the financials. She contradicts me again and sez - this isn't what we'd agreed, why don't you keep me up-to-date? IN FRONT OF THE SENIOR MANAGEMENT! SHE@S SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING ME! It goes from bad to worse.

We eventually get out. I have managed to save a moderate amount of dignity by agreeing to confirm the market data and re-model the data for a second go around next week. We get out of the room and she has a go at me for not keeping her up-to-date. I lose it TOTALLY. It's best not to into what I said, but it wasn't pleasant.

OK, this is not a co-worker, but still someone at one of our vendors, upon whom I rely to do my job. I've been here a week. He has YET to send me a report which is totally correct and hasn't had to have me query him, or more often, have him resend it with new data.

This vendor is the one that supplies almost every single client! So I can't do ANY of my work on time, and it makes me look like an idiot.

I'm still waiting for him to get back to me on the last one - and only then am I going to get to go home. Grrrrrrrr. I hate him, want to punch him in the nose!

I just came onto this thread merely to complain that there's a guy who keeps saying "soup to nuts" "soup to nuts" "I'm just here to HELP, know what I mean?" "soup to nuts" --

yr blood must still be boiling Dr. C. Is she insane? Doesn't she realize she's sabotaging herself with that kind of behavior?

My blood isn't boiling today, I tend to let these things go pretty quickly. It's only work - we live to fight another day. I spent today doing a fair bit of digging around to see what the damage was, and I think she is looking more of a fuckwit than me. And I happen to know that this loss of face matters a whole lot more to her than it does to me - she is very ambitious, highly political etc. I view it as just a job to be done to earn money. Mind you, I won't give her another chance to get me into that kind of shit again. She can do her own crashing and burning.

1 - I had no idea I was as irritated as I am by him until he wasn't here for a whole week; and

2 - the sounds he makes while eating are enough to make me want to shove a stapler through his temple.

Am I being unfair on this guy, or is my rage just?

There is a born-again type who used to sit near me who, on occasion, leaps into a conversation, into which she hasn't been invited, where an opinion that doesn't agree with her particular brand of repressive Christian lunacy has been expressed and starts quoting wildly inappropriate passages from the Bible at the participants. This doesn't annoy me as much as the effort I force myself to make to restrain myself from being unbearably rude to her...

I’ve been quoted at also, it’s hard not to say “oh fuck off, it’s not even real”

FFS!

Say you're the manager of a bistro. Is getting drunk after work and telling your assistant manager to "fuck off, you think you're so fucking clever, just fuck off" IN FRONT OF STAFF

a) Just fine?
b) An astonishingly stupid thing to do?

these same people will put milkbottles back in the fridge with two molecules of milk left in them in order to save themselves having to rinse them out and put them on the side.

the same person, ugh, ok, i've been working on a dictionary and i've been storing everything on floppy. she took a magnet and rubbed on the floppy and asked, "does it really mess up these things to rub a magnet on them?" all of my hard work, destroyed.

i. can't. see. clearly. when i'm near her.

Kill her. Eat her heart.

ok, right? and here i am, trying to learn patience and she gets sent my way. i would love to punch her in the throat, i would.

and one more thing, and i'm done. she practically eats pens. she leaves these chewed pens on my desk! all of the time. i have to use a tissue to pick it up and return it to her. the scary thing is is that these pens have been chewed down, meaning that they are a lot smaller than original size. i'm done. i promise.

jesus wept.

yikes. part of me thinks that someone who trusts the only copy of their work to a *floppy* almost deserves to lose it. email copies to yourself regularly at the very least.

Working with anyone on diet pills is the worst thing ever. I had one of those at my first office job right out of college, and I thought I might kill myself. She was always shaking and snippy and frazzled.

but i want to hear more about the new air conditioning saga! as a texan i find british tales of air conditioning endearing.

stories are legion from female coworkers who, not realizing she was using the toilet stall (her feet don't touch the ground, see) walked in on her doing her business. she's also infamous as an office informant (someone once wrote 'narc' on her computer monitor in orange highlighter) and is absolutely impossible to communicate with.

argh

This sounds like a good story!

the perp was terrified that he'd be discovered and actually ended up quitting out of fear. thank f*ck i was out of the office that day, or i would've surely been fingered for it.

she's also an avid juggler!

> but i want to hear more about the new air conditioning saga!

got in this morning and we seem to have reverted to using the windows as windows and the ac isn't even plugged in. (mind boggles at waste of money but is happy that we aren't wasting more).

Doesnt she lock the stall door?!?

he sounds very polite.

I hate it when I have to talk to people.

We once asked him to call a whole slew of actors to get their social security numbers, which he recorded on the spreadsheet from whence he got their phone numbers. This took 4 hours. The spreadsheet was sort of a public document, so we told him to take the social security numbers off there, as they are private, etc. Which he did, with success. Except he DID NOT RECORD THEM ANYWHERE ELSE. And then just left. Successfully undoing his entire days work.

He looks exactly like Buster from Arrested Development.

Workmate: I think Irish accents are really sexy.
Caroline: I know someone from Ireland
W: I like Spanish accents too.
C: I've got a friend who's Spanish
W: And West country accents
C: My grandfather was born in Bristol

Me (to a colleague) My car broke down in ***** (an exclusive area in our town)
C (from across the room) Why are you talking about ****?
Me (resigned to inevitable brag) My car broke down there.
C: My friend lives there.

Workmate: Old John's so switched on, he can speak 4 languages.
C: I know someone who can speak 5

Workmate: So I'm off to Las Vegas for my hols. I can't wait!
C: I know loads of people who've been there.

Workmate: My mum's tiny, lucky thing. She's only a size 8
C: My sister's a size 6.
(the week before her sister's height was apparently 5' 11". At size 6, she really needs to see a doctor)

Caroline also catches the spirit of the age. When our manager's brother left the army to join the clergy, Caroline suddenly had a grandfather who is a C of E vicar. When the Pope was dying and everyone chatted about it at work, suddenly Caroline's family became devoutly Catholic, with her describing a fire and brimstone upbringing completely at odds with her earlier portrayals.
And Caroline plays on her age. At 23 she's the youngest in our department and mistakenly believes that it makes her beautiful and nubile. If you saw her you'd think otherwise. She makes constant comparisons to my age (29) and seems to imply that I'm over the hill. If an oldish song comes on the radio and you say: "That reminds me of a great holiday in 1997", Caroline will say: "I was only 15 then." and I feel like replying: "So what? Were you a fat wallflower then like you are now?"
With the more senior of our colleagues, Caroline will ask what year a certain song came out. When the answer is 1974 or whatever, Caroline will say: "I was minus 8 then." and it's her chance to catch some envy that she mistakenly believes these women have of her.
Some colleagues actually manufacture conversations in order to watch Caroline jump through hoops in order to impress. It can be quite funny but more than anything it drives me crackers.

i am off in a few minutes to a baby shower for my very annoying pregnant coworker. this girl is several years younger than i, got herself knocked up by her stupid boyfriend (who already has another child with whom he has no involvement), and they fight every single day. i get to hear about their arguments (or maybe i should just say argument since it's always the same thing over and over and over) all day at work. she's also continued to smoke newports for the duration of her pregnancy, and then complains about how she doesn't feel well and is uncomfortable. occasionally she'll call at 1 am, crying over something ridiculous, and the other night she asked at 12:30 if she could come over to "talk." NO! STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE! i feel bad because she really is a nice girl, just stupid and rather naive; however, i really do not feel like going to an annoying baby shower to pretend to be all excited about this kid.

As of September 19th Matt will HAVE that manager's job. The trips to Clitheroe will only increase, that wine list isn't going to know what hit it.

Patient (in a strange, sarcastic sing-song voice that would continue throughout the call) I'd like to see the Consultant this week.
Me: Sorry, I'm afraid he's fully booked up.
Patient: My next appointment isn't for another three weeks. Why the hell should I wait that long?
Me: Looking on our system here, Mrs Smith, it appears that you've cancelled a number of appointments before now...
P: So?
M: This is why you've had to wait so long. You keep cancelling your appointments.
P: I'm a busy woman. I have school runs to do. I also have shopping trips to make. Every appointment I've been given is on a Wednesday. I can't come that day.
Me: Unfortunately that's the only day the Consultant has a clinic. If your condition needs urgent treatment you should go to ******** hospital (the nearest A&E)
P: Well that's not good enough, is it? What am I supposed to do?
Me: What we tell all patients Mrs Smith, is that if they really need the hospital appointment they will have to make time in their private lives to come in.
P: I don't believe this. Listen to me, My husband is a (middle ranking man in the Services) and I see no reason why I should be kept waiting so long.
M (nonplussed and pissed off) I'm afraid your husband's status is neither here nor there, Mrs Smith. Patients are seen on medical priority only.
P: I am a very busy woman.
M: The consultant is very busy too. This is why an appointment system is in place.
P: Why can't he see me tomorrow?
M: He doesn't run clinics on Tuesday. He'll be in threatre.
P: Let me speak to him.
M: He's not here, in our office.
P: Well where is he?
M: I'd imagine he's operating as we speak. Now can I take it you will be coming to see the Consulant in three weeks' time?
P: I am a wife. I am a mother. I don't have time for this. Are you going to tell me exactly who is going to pick my children up from school if I do?
M Well many other patients arrange for a friend or a relative or a child minder to do it.
P, now shreiking: Are you telling me how to run my life? How dare you be so patronising. What's your name?
M: I'm not t rying to patronise you. You asked me a question-"
P: The conversation has now moved on. I asked for your name."
M: Beverley.
P: Thank you Beverley. Must get your name right if I'm getting you your marching orders.

This conversation took place around three months ago. Nothing's come back on me so i know I did nothing wrong. But I'm left wondering if this woman goes through life rubbing up ppl the wrong way. A colleague, oblivious of my encounter with "Mrs Smith" came back from reception duties to say she'd just dealt with a patient in clinic who was the rudest she'd ever encountered. Yes it was Mrs Smith. But apparently the sight of the Consultant made Mrs Smith come over all girly, a la the sketch on the Fast Show.

Coworker 1 brings back some CDs I'd labelled for him, apparently complaining they are wrong. Each CD is in fact labelled exactly according to what he wrote on the disc. Since I am not at my desk he leaves a post-it note on each CD telling me what the label SHOULD be. The post-its are entirely unintelligible. I copy them exactly anyway, but doubtless they will be 'wrong' again.

Coworker 2 wants lever arch files. But the lever arch files I have in the stationery cupboard are too tall. She wants short ones. I already told her last month we don't get different sizes. In some cases I might do a special order, BUT she doesn't even really work here any more, and as such isn't entitled to ANY stationery. Kindly, though, she has put lots of photos from a party last term onto CDs for all of us. But wants me to reimburse her for the CDs. Arrgh you are a very nice woman but STOP TAKING THE PISS.

"I'm in Word, and I'm trying to write a letter, and the text is too small, and I don't know how to make it bigger."

GRRRRRR. I do not work Saturdays. We do not have such a thing as "on call". Moreover, I should not have to explain things like "press Ctrl-A then look for where it says '8' on the toolbar and change it to '12'" EVERY BLOODY TIME YOU TRY TO WRITE TO SOMEONE.

anyone that fucking stupid will almost certainly believe you, leaving to to kip in peace :)

I'm sure upthread somewhere is the time when my colleague called me ON HOLIDAY to ask where a folder was. ('Under your biscuit tin' turned out to be the answer but I wouldn't have known that.) And when Matt was called by someone asking him where the scissors were. Haha.

But that would be great, because you could tell him to go fuck himself with a melon baller, without repercussions!

And verily I was sore afraid...

"Well" I said "the day after I leave, I'm going to track down every customer who's ever been needlessly unpleasant to me, and beat the living daylights out of them"

And God I hate that. It's like saying 'oh and make sure the sun sets tonight, will you? I can't STAND it when it doesn't and I Am Very Important you know.'

1) Please turn volume of ring tone down by at least three bars

2) Please change ringtune from Bodyrockers to something more enjoyable and cool e.g. pneumatic drill

I thought it was "world revolves around my nads."

and stop tapping your feet, the suspended floor means it's making my whole world shake. kthxbye.

manking sounds kinda cool though.

(paraphrased, obv)

puncture it. go on. do it.

30 times a day, month after month

wait. that took a weird turn. one i'm not willing or ready to address right now.

i'd just like to clarify that this isn't me. i *am a weird guy called stevie, but i don't work above anyone!

ya know, because they'll really hurt when they stick in her back.

xpost

http://www.ruggedelegantliving.com/a/images/google.balls.jpg

My annoying co-workers? Well...

You miss the “I feel you pain” President? Why am I not surprised? Eight times in his eight years Americans were attacked by al-Qaida, over a thousand lives lost, and he did not ONE thing in response. Their blood is on his hands and YOUR hands. His administration had concrete evidence of pre-911 al-Qaida plans and his administration BLOCKED the Military and the Intel Agencies, and Police Depts from exchanging information. The 3,000 lives lost are on his head and YOURS.

(Throughout this discussion I am in the middle of serving a student or trying to.)

My brain: [shotuing] Jesus woman, is flicking through a couple of newspapers to find the right one really beneath/beyond you?
Me: ...

She sniffled the rest of the day.

I rrrrreally didn't know what to do.

Awkward silence for the rest of the day.

Combine anger and guilt over being angry, and it makes me feel really crap.

I thnk I'll talk to my b/f about whether I/we can afford for me to quit.

yes, seriously. he cycled in wearing a pair of comedy shorts, intending to change into a pair of decent keks when he got to work. unfortunately, he omitted to put said keks in his bag. so he's now sitting at his mac looking a bit miserable, while everybody points and laughs at his knees. to make matters worse, he sits right by an enormous window.

despite the fact it is pissing down with rain, he's going to stick it out for the whole day. rather than doing what i'd have done, which is rushing to the nearest gentleman's outfitter and getting a big pair of slacks pronto.

that's what i said to him. but no, he hasn't woken up. instead he's just been sitting in the executive editor's office having an important meeting about the next few months' work. hhaaa!

please.

imagine the kind of thing stanley might have been wearing when he met livingstone, only baggier, and teamed with blue socks and brown suede shoes.

I'd like to note that I made the coffee today and it's bangin'. I feel like putting up instructions.

ancient, creaky messanger dude: "simon, did you get that package i left on kathleen's desk yesterday?"
me: "er, no. why would i have done?"
ancient, creaky messanger dude: "it was addressed to mark. and said urgent."
me: "so you left it on kathleen's desk?"
ancient, creaky messanger dude: "it had her name on it too."
me: "but it was addressed to mark?"
ancient, creaky messanger dude: "yes, it said urgent."
me: "and you left it on her desk some 24 hours ago?"
ancient, creaky messanger dude: "yes."
me: "but she's on holiday." [rustles on desk under enormous pile of mail; produces package.]
ancient, creaky messanger dude: "that's it!"
me: "right. shall i give it to mark, who's sitting over there at his desk?"
ancient, creaky messanger dude: "ok."

see, we mac users have this fantastic "copy and paste" function :p

(the original was actually sent to yr boyf, and contained the name of said old messenger dude. quite why i felt the need to spare his blushes, i don't know.)

My friend emailed me saying "at least I don't have a stinkyman in the office" He looked at the email then looked away quickly and went to make tea. I emailed her back telling her he was sitting with me and to send a similiar email that didn't allude to him (ingenius I thought, I could leave that open and he'd think he'd misread it) so she obliged, sending a new email saying "at least I don't have a stinkyman next door" - not much of an improvement but still.

Two minutes later she sent through another email with bold red letters - "HEY STINKY STOP READING HER EMAILS"

He read it. He smiled shyly. I beamed red. I had to sit with him for a further hour too scared to open anymore emails, too pathetic to say anything to him. Now I'm scared he won't come back tomorrow.

So I'M the stupid, annoying co-worker and I feel like fucking shit.

Is there some sort of cult behind the "office chair balls?" At the last place I worked, at least a half-dozen people had those infernal things.

Madchen, do you work in my office? I've got one of them! She is part of the reason I am leaving. I sent her an email saying "has Mark done [what I was expecting him to do]". She emailed back to say "no, James (sic) dint (sic) do it yet". She is responsible for all external correspondence from her branch. SHE WAS ALSO GIVEN THE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH AWARD LAST MONTH despite potentially losing the company £2k+ of hard earned money (which my noseying about her work managed to save due to grovelling and apologising and rectifying in my own time).

mwoo-hah! o god, that's joyously funny. and look on the bright side: if he doesn't come back, no more whiffage.

its dumb

This other tech - we call him Uncle Arthur (after the comedy show character) - is good, but so slow and noodly about his work. It took me half an hour to get him to enter 3 IP addresses in his laptops LAN settings, and the damn thing still wouldnt log into the router we were setting up. Then after all that, and him rambling away like a senile old man, he suddenly exclaims "oh ho wait a minute - I havent put the ethernet card into my laptop!! That would do it". *bangs head on desk*.

He then had the nerve to charge us for an extra hour and a half of work! We knew what he'd done though so he'll get his.

I hate this job.

I'd be able to get a new job easily. The catch is what KIND. I dont wanna go thru what I just went through all over again :(