Have You Ever Shit Your Pants?

Sam is OTM. I never have either, but...

I think he meant the thread was inevitable, not the pants-dumping.

We are talking about Chris here, though.

Urp.

So no, but only by the skin of my teeth. People remember this, too; I'm not really planning to attend any reunions.

Sobriety Test #3 of 8.

I also once shat my pants, aged 23, to amuse a girl.

I'm all about making mincemeat outta punks, but I'm basically a regular guy.

I have shit myself! It sucks!

well mofo you never fronted for ours. remember the junkyard?

That's because outside ILX no one in their right mind would ever admit that it happened to them. Especially to a woman. I mean, could you imagine?!

But then, I know a girl who dumped her then-boyfriend because he came back after a lengthy night on the piss and shat himself. In bed.

but a few 4th of julys ago a few friends and i watched the fireworks in boston, ate ice cream, and wandered around to find the car. one of them (i'll call him bob) announced he needed to use the bathroom, so we spend a while finding out that all the public toilets were closed for the night. so we got in the car and started to drive towards the countryside, where we were staying. suddenly, bob pulls over next to a park that's one of those small triangle greens between traffic directions. he got out of the car and shouted. 'drive!' to me, who had to scramble over the seats to get to the drivers' seat. people were honking at us the whole time, of course. my other friend and i pulled away just in time to see bob pull down his pants and sit down on a garbage bin in the park. we met him outside a pancake house nearby, where he'd gone to clean up. luckily he has a great sense of humor, because it was awful, but the other friend and i couldn't keep a straight face (especially when other friend offered him a 'wet ones' moist towelette)

bob has since decided that he is at least a little lactose intolerant, and we make sure to hang out near ice cream parlors to use their bathroom...

so, yeah. even though it's pretty gross, poop stories can make me laugh like crazy.

Who is that P dude? jeez!

A story from a friend who'd been in the Air Force:

When I was stationed at Columbus AFB, MS there was a real arrogant asshole instructor pilot.

One day he was flying a cross country trip and had to go. But a T-38 is a tiny 2 seater jet fighter trainer = no toilet. Too bad. Had to go. So he did. Now, he was sitting in it. Mmmmmm.

But guess what? Part of the training for that flight was aerobatic maneuvers. Pulling g's resulted in the diarrhea, that had up until now just been pooled around his butt, now being pulled throughout his flight suit - including up his neck and into his helmet.
And people wonder if there's a God....

Ok I am not eating anymore. Thanx Dan!

I believe U!!

oh and recently at a club i heard and unfortunately smelt what can only be described as an attack of dysantry followed by a prolapse going on in a cubicle - i nearly fainted it was that bad

(Thankfully this was in 1998 and 24hrs later bits of the site were flooded with faeces anyway, so I doubt anyone noticed).

the night before we ate local market scallops on the barbie. oops. the next morning i got up and went to the toilet with my guts churning. This wasn't like your regular runny tummy - this was beyond pebbledash, this was bad, this was like pissing out of my arse, gallons and gallons of the stuff.

Oh if i could minute every torturous bump and rev and braking in that car. we had this stuff called diocalm. the stated daily dose was 6 tablets a day i necked 'em tablets 2 an hour for the next 14 hours. the car was boiling, dry heat 80F-ish, i was drinkin about 2ltr water per hour. Diocalm gave my bowels a half-chance, they were straining at the leash, ferocious but i could just about clench it back. Without that stuff the inside of our car would have have looked like chocolate Coronation Street but smelt a lot worse. this was nothing short of karmic payback. payback for all the times i'd sung running down the gutter like a melted piece of butter, diarrohea, diarreaha - people think it's funny but it's really wet and runny, diarrohea etc. i butt-clenched my way through countless service station lobbies so i could go lose another six pints. some of those toilets were so traumatizing they turned black and white in my memory within five minutes of leaving them.

the texture was interresting to say the least

wtf?

when i got attacked in an alley in dublin with a 2x4 i shit my pants!
-- jergins (jergins), Wednesday, April 19, 2006 10:58 AM

diversionary tactic

gershy with the crucial revive, but surprised he went jergins over blanchard.

you always hurt the ones you love

i was about to tell this story again

omg gershy loves jergins!!

gaiershy

http://www.cornelishollander.com/ch/images/braille.jpg

there was some message board a while back that had a thread on this.

It spanned hundreds of pages...I laughed, cried, and learned a lot about life.

oh, and to answer the question, the last time I did I was like 9 years old. Couple of photo finishes maybe but my sphincter is made of steel.

my sphincter is made of steel.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/f/fa/Batfink.gif/150px-Batfink.gif

Back in '99, I had my first Valentine's date with my girlfriend at the time. She was very smart (recent college graduate) and was also a sexy burlesque model. So I took her to this fancy mafia-style steakhouse that had lots of red velvet and a piano.

I ordered a 30 ounce steak. Now, it's important to note that I'm only 5'7" and have a pretty slight build. But the steak was AMAZING, and the company was easily its equal.

Before I knew it, I had about one bite to go. Accompanying this bite was an unexpected shart. I excused myself, and made it to the bathroom in time to see the first bite poking out the other end. I threw away my boxers, cleaned up, and returned to the meal.

I told her I was "under the weather" and we did not make out that Valentine's day. I also did not tell her this story until about two years later.

Hasn't happened again since, even when I was on tour with food poisoning.

some dude posted a story on the net once about how he was driving a car with his girlfriend and her mother and he had to take a humongous shit but there was nowhere to stop for miles (I think he was in a country town).

So he pulled over to the side of the road, went somewhere "private" and took a shit in a dumpster, casually but not efficiently wiping his ass with his boxers, which he threw in the dumpster as well.

So he got back in the car and it was a hot day on top of that and the ac wasn't working real well. So with the poo fumes and the heat, apparently he had to stop the car every 10 minutes so that his gf's mother could get out to throw up.

Just once, after crystal meth and 12 vodka tonics. I deserved it.

Apropos de rien: Don't let yr main daily meals be salad for too many days in a row.

"shart" omg

"one of the ten best shits of my life"

jayblanchard.xls

Couple of photo finishes maybe but my sphincter is made of steel.

-- Bo Jackson Overdrive, Sunday, December 9, 2007 7:13 AM (3 months ago) Bookmark Link

RIP

1nce or fore times since i was tewelve, but who r u to judge, only god can judge my anus

Once at Glastonbury, on a combination of magic mushrooms and alcohol. The weather was atrocious that year too - after throwing my boxers away, and cleaning myself up mostly with newspaper, I ambled over to buy some toilet roll, only to be told there would be fifteen minutes wait. I struggled for 2 minutes, then passed out and fell face down into a giant mud puddle. Then I went to see Coldcut.

Another time, in between Xmas and New Year 1997. A friend had invited me over to her flat to get shitfaced. She'd started at 4, I got there at 9 and decided to play catchup, drinking half pints of vodka and JD to do so..the last I remember was her giving me a cup of tea, and then passing out on her bathroom floor. I came round to vomit into her toilet and shat myself at the same time. I left her flat at 4am, with my shitted boxers in a bag, having vomited in every room in her flat.

a combination of magic mushrooms and alcohol

Pretty much a sure fire guarantee of some kind of vom/shite/piss related bodily dysfunction.

I am lolling like a maniac reading this thread. Actually it would be ironic if I shat myself from laughing so much...

How come most of these stories are of British provenance (near as I can tell)? Are Brits most prone to shitting their pants?

Oh, and for me, bits and pieces here and there but never the whole show since baby times.

P.S. There's some amazing writing on this thread, e.g. "some of those toilets were so traumatizing they turned black and white in my memory within five minutes of leaving them."

P.P.S. Some of the causes are almost as wretch-inducing as the effects, e.g. "after crystal meth and 12 vodka tonics."

Some of the commenters here might consider submitting their contributions to "The Poop Report".

http://www.poopreport.com

Another time, in between Xmas and New Year 1997. A friend had invited me over to her flat to get shitfaced. She'd started at 4, I got there at 9 and decided to play catchup, drinking half pints of vodka and JD to do so..the last I remember was her giving me a cup of tea, and then passing out on her bathroom floor

lightweight

maybe he was, but his pants sure weren't.....

One of my favorites. or

"I'm good twice a year for that."

If I didn't before, I now have a deep love for George Brett.

http://www.kongregate.com/games/Rete/dont-shit-your-pants

i remember being 11 and having to pelt the john with biscuits but my mom fucking had the sliding glass door shut so I couldn't get in and I dropped a turd right in my pants that was long and slender, like a sausage....

Also just narrowly avoided this last year, but it was still pretty embarassing. had a theatre rehearsal in a hot warehouse and made the mistake of eating greasy Chicken Fries from BK 5 mins prior. My stomach started bubbling and I had to start crumping to avoid releasing my bowels all over the floor.

This warehouse had a bathroom but well it wasn't used very often. I realized that trying to hold it wouldn't work so I finally ran in there and took a humongous shit. fortunately there was toilet paper in there.

but imagine the look of horror on my face when I flushed the toilet and it only made a wee little sound and still retained all of the rancid feces. and did so after a second flush.

Oh and it was a photo shoot that day for the play. Meaning the girls needed to use said bathroom. At the time, my g/f and I had been dating like 2 months. Leaving behind Shaqbombs in the toilet where she'd be changing would have been an instant breakup.

It also took a while to wipe so every 5 minutes the girls in the cast were knocking to taunt me and asked if I was masturbating in there. I started saying I was because that was a preferable alternative.

But after the third flush, teh shit went down the hole. Thank God. The scent may have lingered but my g/f didn't say anything.

one more failed flush and you would've been picking up poop with TP and depositing it in soda cans in nearby trashcans, you dodged a bullet!

lol and see i wouldn't have even thought of that at the time so i may have just exited the building running...

Yes :(

Yes :)

sin boldly into the pants

6 cans of stella + a two litre bottle of frosty jacks + a half-bottle of whiskey = shit in my pants.

shit my pants in front of a nun who wouldn't give me permission to leave class for the toilet.

wasn't even a defiant gesture, i just had to shit myself. i was let out after, which struck me as a little horse/stable door but anyway.

are you sure you're not stealing that anecdote from a frank mccourt book?

no jesus we weren't deprived it was just lol nuns tbh. another who fainted in class was revived by having her head flushed in the jacks. we were poor but we were hungry etc

uh she didn't faint cos i shit myself or anything, but just wanna say if you're growing up on an island with only two primary schools, shitting yourself in front of your classmates does you absolutely no fucking favours from the age 13-college

can't even imagine the nicknames....

Darragcrap
Dookiemac

And as I'm typing this the episode of the cartoon 16 where everybody is puking/has the shits due to poorly refrigerated Chunklets is on....

Once, in the middle of a pub, while paralytic on Guinness.

i didn't mind the nicknames (they never actually materialised) but i didn't have a girlfriend that wasn't a holidayer until i moved

I'm allowed to shit my pants once a year. And that's it. For many years I held true to that pact, until a few years ago I accidentally did it twice. Funny thing is, the incidents were about three weeks apart during the summer. Wearing shorts too. So after that, I decided to go two years without doing it. It was a success. And then this past new year's day, I failed again. Nine hours after after the ball dropped, I let one slip by. My wife doesn't let me forget about that one. Bottom line, never trust a fart folks.

I knew something terrible was going to happen today, just felt it from the first moment I woke up.
It could have been worse, really.

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my make up
I do a little shart for you

And while combing my hair now
you know that my pants are brown, ow
I do a little shart for you

ahh the memories

was worried I'd join this hall of shame yesterday.

went to go see some friends in a local community theatre show (kid friendly). this theatre is very small, 30 seats or so, and one bathroom only. and I know the owners of it very well.

I got to the theatre 10 minutes prior to showtime and around 5 minutes prior, my bowels began asserting their dominance. Like, it was going to be explosive. At the time, the bathroom was occupied, I'd have no time to use it prior to showtime. so I figured I'd just deal with it.

it was a kid's show so it was only a 30 minute first act, but it was the longest 30 minutes ever. At the beginning, they asked us to stand, so I farted some of it out and thought it was over. 15 minutes later, it was back.

Intermission comes and I feel like omg, I'm not gonna make it. However - again, only one bathroom. and there was no way I was going to hold up the bathroom line by dropping a log that might take 20 minutes to get rid of. so I go outside to see if there are any local businesses I can hit up. Nope, not within walking distance. so I keep walking and fart it out a little more, go back inside.

don't want to leave at this point because I couldn't come back on another night and figured I could hang on for another 30 minutes, after the latest round of farts. so I walk back to my seat, where the theatre owner asks me if I can play a bit role (the Magic Mirror) in Act 2 (short story - the actress who was slated to play the role had a seizure backstage on opening night, so they had been filling it with guests and giving them a script every night since). Ok, cool, I say.

I feel ok for ten minutes or so, and then Snow White shows up on stage and my stomach starts to bubble again. Panicked, I turned to the theatre owner (who was seated behind me) and asked "when is Magic Mirror up?", and he told me....next. fuck. I was *sweating* at this point. But I breathed a little and managed to get to feeling a lil better and they called me up on stage.

I did my bit part for 5 mins and fortunately didn't shit myself on stage, and the distraction actually helped. so I go back to my seat figuring the worst is over, then after the show I can rush home and dumpski to my heart's delight.

But no, the sensation to dump got worse and worse. and one of my friends hadn't done her part yet so I didn't want to frantically run to the bathroom.

well, she did her part, and at that point, I couldn't wait any longer, and basically bolted past the audience into the one-seater bathroom and just destrrrrrrroyed it, but it was a quick dump. managed to do my business and get cleaned up in a tidy 5 minutes.

got back to my seat (one of the rare places that doesn't care about re-entry) - and was just in time for characters on stage to address me in the audience as my character! but now I was feeling fine enough to actually laugh loudly with the audience.

the official story I gave my friends was that I had to "pee very badly". still giggling about how silly last night was.

I nearly shit myself this morning!

I had to deposit a check at my bank, about 15 minutes from my house. I was feeling really lazy, so after changing out of my pajamas, i just threw on a pair of khakis and went commando rather than run back upstairs to add underwear to the equation. Stopped off at the dunkin donuts drive-thru to get a large coffee. Made it to the bank and realized the coffee hit my stomach wrong, but it took three tries for the machine to accept my check. Heading home, I didn't want to stop anywhere and shit up some poor store's bathroom. Being Sunday morning, there wasn't much open anyway. I just drove on, hoping for green lights.

Finally made it home and dashed in the door, farting with every footfall as I leapt up the front steps. I wasn't entirely sure at the time that I wasn't shitting my pants, but by the grace of god I was saved. Thankfully the family was still asleep and no one impeded my dash to the john.

always kinda excited when this thread is revived

1nce or fore times since i was tewelve, but who r u to judge, only god can judge my anus

― Pooping Christ, Thursday, July 31, 2008 1:06 AM (7 years ago)

I like Neanderthal's story but I'm kinda boggling at the idea that 5 minutes is a "quick dump"

For what my stomach was doing I was feeling like a 20 minute session was on deck. So lucky

fair enough. I guess I'm more selfish than you are because I wouldn't have had much compunction about hogging the bathroom for however it took to resolve the issue.

(kid friendly)

There's just something about shit-your-pants stories that makes them the funniest things on earth.
― Dan I. (Dan I.), Monday, December 15, 2003 3:27 AM bookmarkflaglink

I think it's the shit in pants part.
― oops (Oops), Monday, December 15, 2003 3:43 AM bookmarkflaglink

I shared this exchange with my friend and she quotes it incessantly now. 19 years after it was made!

I am struck by how the tenor of this board has changed since the early aughts.

-- oops (Oops)

From The Athletic:

It was 2001, and the Seahawks played the http://i.imgur.com/QbYzHTH.jpg in D.C. Tobeck felt fine on the flight over and fine that afternoon, but in the evening, his stomach started sounding alarms.

“I guess violent would be the word for it,” he says.

It was so bad that the team quarantined him, moving out roommate Steve Hutchinson. Tobeck didn’t come out of his room, but by Sunday afternoon — and with the help from some medication designed to clog him up — he thought he could play.

“I’ll never forget Holmgren,” Tobeck says. “I walked by Holmgren before the game and he just looked at me, real serious, and said, ‘Tough it out.’”

Backed by those uplifting words from his coach, Tobeck took the field for the first series of the game. He was locked in hand-to-hand combat with Dan Wilkinson, a 340-pound defensive tackle nicknamed Big Daddy.

“I’ve got to deal with the stomach issues, plus I have to deal with Big Daddy,” Tobeck says.

Then, disaster. Shaun Alexander took a handoff and, without anywhere else to go, rammed into Tobeck.

Say Tobeck: “Knocked the wind out of me, knocked everything else out of me.”

Tobeck stayed in the game, but when he finally left the field, he asked the trainers and equipment staff for a new pair of pants. And a bucket.

“I would come off to the sideline and there was a bucket there, and the poor guys had to stand around me with a towel,” he says. “I was shitting in a bucket on the sideline during a game.”

Tobeck, it’s worth pointing out, played center, and at some point during the game, a trainer had the sense to walk over to quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and tell him he might want to stop licking his fingers.

THIS is the kind of sports journalism that I pay quality money for.

while i am not a sports person i am charmed by the image of quarterbacks licking their fingers during a game. i presume this is to make for a stickier grip? or just because quarterback fingers are delicious?? the quarterback mouth germs must be astonishing. entire new forms or life could be brewing in there. tiny mutant football players spilling out of their mouths. perhaps that is where rugby players come from.

Is this the most successful thread I've ever started here, or is it the "unavailable sodas you've known and loved" one? I hope it's the latter.

Well, you should look at quality, not quantity. That said, this is your most successful thread