Homemade Jokes

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

And buys...

A GLASS OF MILK!!

(NB this joke made me laugh hysterically at age 17 so much that I was sobbing on the floor and the tutors asked me if I was okay and I could not explain - I think it must have been in the delivery)

In the last couple of years:
- What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?
- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

- I shagged a teenager on the train to Glasgow last week.
- Virgin?
- No, GNER

What's got four legs, a trunk, and haunts people?

Take it to the fridge.

Q: Which Muppet went straight-edge?
A: Fugazi Bear

Now you know why I didn't mention that it was a DIY joke.

"We shall come over!"

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after being in a coma.

Doctor: Hi, I'm someone you've never met before.

Man: Thank Christ! I thought I'd lost my memory!

I don't like the new-age religious twist that you've added.

Q: How do you know if a pig has done a poo in your house?

A: You can smell it. And you're treading in it.

One I made up when I was wee:

Q: what do you call a scottish monkey?

A: A McAckus

I prefer my brother's one really.

I'm pretty proud of this one but it is usually met with groans:

"I ate ten gyros and now I falafel!"

Get it?

A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is? The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be?

The man eventually catches his breath, and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again"

What do they eat for breakfast in Never Never Land?

Peter Pancakes.

And just this week -- he's now 9 years old -- he said: what's another word for "man-boobs"? His answer: Chesticles.

(Yeah, I know it doesn't really make logical sense, but fuck, if I'd been half as sophisticated when I was his age, by now I'd be a genius, or something.)

Why did the Pope visit the Babybel factory?

Because it was reported that Baby Cheeses was spotted there.

A newbie to New York City asks a local: "where's a good place for ass fucking?"

The local replies: "Gowanus Canal".

My brother made up this song, sung to the tune of 'We Three Kings' when he was about 10 or so.

WE THREE LEMMINGS OF ORIENT ARE
JUMPING OFF CLIFFS AND KILLING OURSELVES
DOWN WE GO
CLEAR THE WAY
INTO THE SEA BELOW
BUMPS OF WONDER BUMPS OF FRIGHT
DOWN WE GO AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
HEADS ARE BLEEDING STILL WE'RE SPEEDING
INTO THE SEA BELOW

I still sing it at Christmas

Made this when I was in 3rd grade-ish:

Who's the most famous Mexican rapper of all time?

Julio! (like Coolio, etc)

i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, March 5, 2004 10:18 AM (5 years ago)

Genuine lols at prepubescent esoj joek!

My brother, at age three, came up with:

Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?
Because it wanted to melt.

Little bro's all time best homemade jokes aged 4:

What did one pig say to the other pig?
Oink oink.

And, in the same mould as "Tiger Hunting" by Claude Bottom, was "Trees" by I. M. Stuck.

did you hear the one about the pregnant mermaid with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

It's extremely impolite to talk about the scale of a mermaid's vagina.

your mom

did you hear the one about your mom with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

my mother is entirely terrestrial, take it back

this kid in my sunday school class decided to debut his new novelty joke song at Bible school, which he titled "Jesus Always Farts"....

Why do plays made by giant winged lizards always put audiences to sleep?
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Because they dragon.

What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?

- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

^

Professional level joke imo

My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Ha.
Ha who?
Nothin'.

Still waiting for it to finish marinating tbh.

U&K- how does one pronounce ha', and indeed, 'who' in yr region?

Ha rhyming with "claw"
Who...I can't believe I'm telling you how "who" is pronounced. Rhymes with "goo" or "blue."

well you pronounce 'ha' wrong so i don't see any reason to get snippy about the word with 'wh' in it tbh

i'm getting nothing but sergio leone soundtracks. i think he may be pulling your leg

I think he is just being a silly guy.

guy? how'd you pronounce that?

Now you are being the silly guy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoYsfbq3vMc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq9zsqa-bcs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDevlNobB_g

I called the city about a sinkhole on my block today. They said they were already looking into it.

Had a dog called minton, ate my shuttlecock

BAD minton!

(friend swears he made that up, i'm doubtful)

Should be Mington, shurely?

Noticing I had been 21 minutes late for pretty much everything over the last few days, I checked my watch and noticed it had been set to Welsh Time.

wait have i spelled badminton incorrectly my whole life? the humanity!

yep, looks like it.

no i'm right and NV is all wrong

http://www.fistoffun.net/book/69.htm

Did you see the ceramicist comedian last night?

He was kiln em!

hahaha

Which professional tennis player has the fattest wife?

Roger Feederer

Hey bobby, what's the french for Voo-voo-zela?

Malaysian? Isn't that just bad asian?

Why did Lou Reed go to Williamsburg for his prosthetics?

Because he needed hip replacement surgery.

Man, Hurting, you are cracking me up!

Here is a joke of my own I once made up:

What do you guy who turns into an uncool wolf in the full moon's light?

A square-wolf.

I mean, What do you call a guy...

how did Snoopy begin his novel about wavelength measurement?

"It was a dark Ångström-y night."

a joke a former coworker made up:

why did the owl get fired from his job?
sexuOWL harrassment

(this joke actually made me laugh uproariously as it was about the tenth in a line of owl jokes and the first whose punchline did not play off a HOO pun)

Oh my God, in high school, my circle of friends & I had this habit of making up really bad nonsense jokes with the punchline "license to Bill." This had gone on several weeks, that we'd be hanging out at my friend's house, playing video games and making "license to Bill" jokes, then finishing the evening by ruining his family's dinner with terrible jokes that all ended in "license to Bill." One night his dad said, "Enough of your jokes, I want to tell you something serious my pastor told me about today." His dad was an evangelical Christian – the kind of guy who was too Christian to open fortune cookies because they were "false prophecy" – so we all knew this could go on for a while & you just had to be polite and listen. He started going on and on about what the pastor had to say about the Monica Lewinsky scandal, and how it was dragging our nation down, and he started reading out loud this letter his pastor had written about the dangers of dishonesty and adultery. "And do you know what he wrote on the envelope?" he said. "Lies! Sins! To Bill!"

^^^true story about a homemade joke, not a homemade joke itself

aahahahah i love when i get pwned by unlikely people

what did the river say to the riverbed?

my sediments exactly!

ha, that is an excellent story abbott

I made up two today but they are basically the same joke:

What is a leaf's favorite Bauhaus song?

Stomata Martyr.

What is an arthropod's favorite Bauhaus song?

Tegmata Martyr.

:D

What did George Michael say when he dropped his chocolate bar?

Careless Wispa

Nah it's not the Wispa that's careless in that case tho, it's the recording artist

I may have told this one in another thread:

What's Lil Wayne's favorite French film?

AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AME AME

Q: What did the traditional Indian garment say to the other traditional Indian garment when it stepped on its foot?

A: Sari.

I was riding back from a film shoot last week, and the DP and I were the only ones who'd actually been to film school, so he kept making dorky jokes that only I'd get. For instance:

Hey Nick! If I set my foot on fire, do you think that would be One Foot Candle!?!?!

Q: What's the most popular Nike shoe in Germany?

A: the Herr Jordan

let's make like romaine and lettuce leaf

What kind of eggs do you find in jam?

Traffic Eggs.

(no, neither do i)

What is Lil Wayne's favorite pozole ingredient?

HOMINY HOMINY HOMINY HOMINY HOMI HOMI

Also, what is Kid's favorite yogurt?

YOPLAIT!

q: what did the plumber say when he found an onion trapped in the women's pipe
a: lady i think you've sprung a leek

I just got this great new album by a Hassidic metal band -- "Ride the Chair"

Why is it a bad idea to buy property from a Crip?

Because it might have a gangsta lien.

omg

haha

based on a joke one of my bff's autistic students made up:

Knock Knock
- who's there?
Glass of Milk
- glass of milk who?
Glass of Milk on the table!

Knock Knock
- who's there?
Napkin
- napkin who?
napkin on the table!

Knock Knock
- who's there?
Straw
- straw who?
straw on the table!

the autistic kid did not come up w/ this part:

Knock Knock
- who's there?
Hot sex with a stranger
- hot sex with a stranger who?
You'll have to find someone else for that, that's not on the table

knock knock
who's there
Champ
Champ who?
No thanks, I washed my hair at home

Oh man yeah I worked with a developmentally delayed kid who made up a lot of "jokes" about his legal guardian's liquid makeup. Like: "Jack and Jill went up the hill to get a pail Maryann's liquid makeup."

that is awesome!

really bad joke I made when I was 15 or so:

Q: Why is the world so infested with bugs?
A: Because God created it with Windows 95

Q: How did the axe store remain profitable in the internet era?
A: By selling adz.

Sundial: hey Rasta Clock, do you know what time it is?
Rasta Clock: I don't know, mon (I don't, gnomon)!

wtf is that

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gnomon

Q: What did Hemingway call his blog-turned-smash-hit-comedy-book?

A: Hills White Elephants Like

"Baby Jesus
Sizzling in a pan
one went pop and the other went Bang!"

!

Also lol!

what do you get when you cross nick drake with a cow
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pink moo

A giraffe goes into a bookstore and starts eating all the books on the top shelf. A shop assistant goes running over to him and says agitatedly 'excuse me sir - can I help you?'. And the giraffe replies 'no thanks, I'm only browsing'

Q. What happens when a yolk gives off heat?

A. An eggsothermic reaction.

wow, you just took egg puns to another level

You thought they'd been eggshausted, but no....

Today I came up with a joke lit theory paper title: "Id. at 10: Sexual Desire in Legal Citation Style"

i've been straining over a Limp Bizkit: 'Rollin' + myth of Sisyphus joke for a few days now. Topical, I know.

I tried to think of some fake conservative jokes:

Q: What is the greatest aphrodisiac in the world?
A: 50 years of marriage.

Q: What causes the pharoah to weep, and the peasant to build kingdoms in his mind?
A: Love, sire.

Q: did you hear about the gang that broke an onion out of jail?
A: iirc they sprung a leek

What beverage only comes in one flavor and takes 45 minutes to drink?

Sunny D)))

What did the confident but slightly grubby bicycle wheelbuilder say?

"Dust me, I know what I'm truing"

My brother, at age three, came up with:

Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?
Because it wanted to melt.

― existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, October 12, 2009 2:53 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

when I was three, the funniest joke in the world to me was:

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Green."
"Green who?"
"Green apple!"

I think this sense of humor still shines through in my choice of display names

Funny, I was just reciting the poen to myself the other week...

"You're NOT Robin Hood, and you're NOT Gunga Din"...

What do you call a folk singer wearing cheap underwear?

Mary Chafin' Carpenter.

LOLOL

Also awesome name for a Garbage Pail Kid imo. Twin could be Joni ITCHELL

haha!

Where do middle-aged couples go to enjoy their second honeymoon?

Viagra Falls

Why was Mary so uncomfortable riding a donkey?

Because it gave her bethlehemorrhoids.

Yay! One for the christmas cracker!

That, a hat and a fortune-telling fish - what more could you not want?

The lord is my shepherd I shall not want.

Yep, novelty sheep-farming deities, do not want.

Not mine, a friend's:

What do you call a psychic who can smell the future?

Nostrildamus

How do you vacuum an elephant?
Put peanuts in the airlock and then fire him into space.

What is the sound of an elephant being fired into space?
"Hrrmmmphhh......... ....... ..... ... .. ."

why was o afraid of i?

because iatee

Q: What's the opposite of drunken noodle?

A: Soba noodle.

why does julian casablancas drink fluorine?

to lower his life expectancy

i don't get that sunny d one

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunn_O%29%29%29

q. how does emile zola relax?
a. in a j'accuse-i

Q: What is it called when a lightbulb commits a criminal offense?
A: A watt-collar crime.

Said in the accent of a southern judge, obv.

How many years in prison does it take to change a lightbulb?

?

oh I get it

I've put 2011 aside to work on the punchline.

It's sort of along the lines of that "How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?" joke (A: One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.)

i just heard one of these bazooka joe level jokes from a 4-year-old acquaintance of mine.

q: what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a: a CARROT!!

for best effect, shout the punchline while simultaneously eating something and rolling onto your back, exposing your underwear

^ how I usually deliver jokes

the other day in the pub...

why can't brian lenihan get the irish economy moving?

cos he can't budget!

Joke headline:

Monkey House of Representatives Votes to Repeel Banana

lool

This twitter has the best bad homemade jokes I've seen:

www.twitter.com/ratedgjokes

http://twitter.com/ratedgjokes

I made up a lot of Christmas jokes when I was putting up Christmas lights a week ago.

anyways

Why did Jesus have a bad Christmas?
because he found out that Santa doesn't exist

Why was Jesus sad on Christmas?
because he didn't get a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine

Why didn't Jesus get any presents on Christmas?
because he's a Jew

def stealing that last one

joke to do with new year's resolution, punchline including 1280×720

What is Sam the Sham's favorite carnival ride?
The pharaohs wheel.

abbbottt, often i will see yr name and be reminded of a scene from 'the thick of it' (uk political sitcom) in which the press are calling for the prime minister to sack underperforming minister hugh abbott, and the headline says PM CAN'T KICK THE ABBOTT

i guess that joke was homemade to somebody, so it counts itt

Thanks for the Sunnn D)))) joke, I just made good use of it.

So I told that to my g/f and she countered with one of her very own...

Which is the loudest lovesong in the world?

You are the Sunn O)))shine of My Life!

I am a lucky, lucky man.

whats a rastafarians favourite middle eastern country?
Yemen

straight giggles

Saudi Jah-rabia

Jah-pan

United Ar-Herb Emirates

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting giraffe.

Interrupting giraffe who?

...

Who's the greatest Scottish smooth jazz player?

Kenny MacG

(find it especially funny to say in an exaggerated accent and really elongating the "GEEEEEEEEE")

going to try it now

response: 'are you feeling all right?'

Song to teach children about not leaving food out/open: "If you liked it then you shoulda put a lid on it"

don't quit your day job unless this is your day job

I'm starting a modernist furniture store for the average American: Remote Within Reach

My g/f made me go to one of her pilates classes the other day and when we got there, the instructor had an eye-patch. He taught us all sorts of things including techniques such as "walking the plank". Then I realised I'd got the wrong lesson...

Ha, I like that DL. Reminds me of this one that my bro's mate says he made up:

I had a really hard time growing up. All we ever had to eat was glace cherries, dark chocolate and cream. Life's tough in the gateau.

i like that one too!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting giraffe.

Interrupting giraffe who?

this is a non made up joke but the way you've written ir baffles me. it's "interrupting sheep" and you say "baa" in the middle of them saying "interrupting sheep who"

My wife's going on holiday to the USA.
Really? Which state?
Alaska.
No, don't bother, it doesn't really matter.

And, considerably more contrived:

My wife's just moved into a house in north-west London?
Maida Vale?
No, bricks.

My wife's going on holiday to the USA.
Really? Which state?
Alaska.
No, don't bother, it doesn't really matter.

― Death and Taxis (Nasty, Brutish & Short), Tuesday, February 22, 2011 12:02 PM Bookmark

You didn't originate this, sorry pal.

And, considerably more contrived:

My wife's just moved into a house in north-west London?
Maida Vale?
No, bricks.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_CiE_xz40zik/S533oW8ZcHI/AAAAAAAACLg/BVJr0pMkXtE/s400/D

Really? Maybe 'independently arrived at' then. If someone else claims the 'Maida Vale' one I'll be devastated.

this is a non made up joke but the way you've written ir baffles me. it's "interrupting sheep" and you say "baa" in the middle of them saying "interrupting sheep who"

― I see what this is (Local Garda), Tuesday, 22 February 2011 16:59 (27 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

isn't the joke (in this instance) that giraffes don't speak much, hence the ellipsis at the end

god yeah it is i suppose

It's a pretty common/old joke in the US. See also:

We're going on vacation next week.

Hawaii?

I'm fine, thanks for asking.

I haven't heard the Maida Vale one before, but I've spent DAYS making up increasingly agonised versions of jokes of that bent.

See also:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NztfOSyCCFM

knock knock

who's there?

what's the mafia's favourite type of joke?

knock knock (the 'double tap' is a finishing move favoured by legitimate businessmen of italian descent)

HOW DID YOU KNOW, unregistered?

lmbo

haw

My wife's moved to the south-eastern fringe of Melbourne.
Pakenham Upper?
Once she settles in.

lol

why did gadaffi buy button-up trousers?

(i'm sure someone can guess the punchline to this one)

Have you heard the Kansas song about the Irish-Korean vagabond?

CARY ANH MY WAYWARD SON

I think I would amend the joke I wrote upthread to:

Q: What is orange and droney?
A: Sunny D)))

Here's another (quite bad) joke:

Q: What do you get when you combine the best person in the world with the worst person in the world?
A: Kate W. Bush

what do you call a man with a penis in the middle of his face?

Fucknose

terrible nerdy audio geek joke

q: which comedian is also a reverb preset

a: rich hall

I came up with a terrible joke today.

Why did the record collector like the egg?
Because it had an "albumen" it. (an album in it)

http://x58.xanga.com/a821143233035244971397/b179149142.gif

I'm sorry, purple one!

Wait, Prince, I take back my apology – what I said was no worse than "WRECKA STOW."

for obscure and forgotten reasons, the ultimate status symbols among wealthy Serbian businessmen are Mazda sports cars. Since Serbians tend to be fiercely patriotic, it's common in their country to see Mazdas decked out in double-headed eagles, red stars, Calvin peeing on Kosovo, and other national icons.

up until a couple years ago, there were two major body shops in Belgrade that specialized in custom nationalistic paint jobs for Mazdas. Borislav's Body Shop did paint work exclusively for Mazda RX-8s, and Miroslav's Body Shop did the same for Miatas. for years neither of them had any competition, and they happily coexisted and raked in money in their own little sectors of the industry. but after a while, other, more generic body shops began advertising similar (albeit inferior) paint jobs at a much lower price.

despite their years of experience, Borislav and Miroslav gradually lost their most loyal customers, and both of them fell on hard times. while they had never been more than casual acquaintances, Borislav took pity on himself and Miroslav, and he got to thinking about how they could help each other regain their hold on the market. one day he walked into Miroslav's shop, shook his hand, and proposed that they merge their businesses and open a groundbreaking body shop that painted both RX-8s and Miatas.

what Borislav failed to realize was that Miroslav harbored a pathological loathing of Miatas. while Miroslav respected Borislav well enough, he had long ago vowed never to apply his brush to a Miata even if it meant jeopardizing his life's work. there was no way he would ever consent to the merger. trying to be as tactful as possible, he turned to Borislav and shrugged.

"no, no, that cannot be," he said, looking his comrade right in the eye. "for what you have to understand, my friend, is that WE 'SERB' DIFFERENT MAZDAS."

oh wait, I effed that up a little

official version:

for obscure and forgotten reasons, the ultimate status symbols among wealthy Serbian businessmen are Mazda sports cars. Since Serbians tend to be fiercely patriotic, it's common in their country to see Mazdas decked out in double-headed eagles, red stars, Calvin peeing on Kosovo, and other national icons.

up until a couple years ago, there were two major body shops in Belgrade that specialized in custom nationalistic paint jobs for Mazdas. Borislav's Body Shop did paint work exclusively for Mazda RX-8s, and Miroslav's Body Shop did the same for Miatas. for years neither of them had any competition, and they happily coexisted and raked in money in their own little sectors of the industry. but after a while, other, more generic body shops began advertising similar (albeit inferior) paint jobs at a much lower price.

despite their years of experience, Borislav and Miroslav gradually lost their most loyal customers, and both of them fell on hard times. while they had never been more than casual acquaintances, Borislav took pity on himself and Miroslav, and he got to thinking about how they could help each other regain their hold on the market. one day he walked into Miroslav's shop, shook his hand, and proposed that they merge their businesses and open a groundbreaking body shop that painted both RX-8s and Miatas.

what Borislav failed to realize was that Miroslav harbored a pathological loathing of RX-8s. while Miroslav respected Borislav well enough, he had long ago vowed never to apply his brush to an RX-8 even if it meant jeopardizing his life's work. there was no way he would ever consent to the merger. trying to be as tactful as possible, he turned to Borislav and shrugged.

"no, no, that cannot be," he said, looking his comrade right in the eye. "for what you have to understand, my friend, is that WE 'SERB' DIFFERENT MAZDAS."

a auto paint shop would never use a brush. they use airbrushes.

shut up

Q. why did Yogi Berra get nervous when the Yankees announced their plan to play in Australia?
A. he heard they were going to Canberra (he heard they were going to can Berra)!

Q. why did the assassin fire the chef he hired to poison the Prime Minister's soup?
A. there wasn't enough rice in (there wasn't enough ricin!).

Q:Why did the Non-Aligned movement include Yugoslavia but not Vietnam?
A: Broz before Hos.

Q: What did god say when he saw his massive poop?
A: Holy shit

Oh loraxpaws

it cracked me up when I thought of it a couple days ago. i also clogged the toilet around the same time (and I didn't use much tp). seriously though. what kind of shit clogs a toilet? godly shit

stop taking now

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_rhuHxI81C6w/SYm5SoDXeFI/AAAAAAAAABc/r5eHRiv4bcc/s320/Limbaugh,+The+Talking+Toilet.jpg

What do you call it when your post is stuck between two awful sock posts?

Shit sandwich.

I don't get it

I have one of those smart light switches in my living room, that knows whether or not I'm in the room, and turns the light on or off accordingly. The switch in my bedroom isn't so clever. It's just a dimmer switch.

i like that one!

Cracked my kids up with this last night (they're easily pleased)

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who's there?
Interrupting knock knock joke
Interrupting knock kn...
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who's there?
Interrupting knock knock joke
Interrupting knock kn...
KNOCK KNOCK!
etc.

I made up this joke in my sleep:

Q: What meal do cannibals invite their friends round for?
A: LUNCH

want to make a joke about a gay incestuous father but

plz do

the punchline is 'dickinson' the rest I don't know

"you are kneeling with dickinson"

Why did the arabic pastry attend a baroque music festival?

Because he was a baklava (bach lover)

Where do earwigs go on holiday?
Laos

How would a violinist inform a tough kid about the conclusion to the premier league this season?
You Hoodie, Man U win. (Yehudi Menuhin)

i don't get that cannibal one

The other day I saw a plate of spaghetti crying - I said "why are you crying" and it said nothing. Then I realized it was just very wet and dripping. Merlin appeared and exposed himself to me. Then I CRIED.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Shoah.
Shoah who?
Sho, ah, whatsh for dinner?

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his friend who asked him about meditation?

"Get to D. Chopra!"

"Hey you know the guitarist from Super Furry Animals -- the one from Ireland?"
"Wales."
"Well I wouldn't go that far, but he's alright."

That is great.

Bob Hoskins: What are you up to next week, your majesty?
The Queen: I'm travelling to Hawaii to give out OBEs to major female singers from the 1960s and 70s.
Prince Charles: Are you going to 'Onolulu?

Hmmmm... that's ended up even worse and more bizzarre than it was intended. Please imagine Prince Charles is Bob Hoskins.

Q. What do you call a dude with a 1 inch cock?
A. Justin

I've got a punchline something about Hitler ordering Swiss chard (charred), but I can't quite work out the joke.

I love that SFA one Hurting! Definitely going to start telling it when muso jokes are needed, if that's cool?

official version:

for obscure and forgotten reasons, the ultimate status symbols among wealthy Serbian businessmen are Mazda sports cars. Since Serbians tend to be fiercely patriotic, it's common in their country to see Mazdas decked out in double-headed eagles, red stars, Calvin peeing on Kosovo, and other national icons.

up until a couple years ago, there were two major body shops in Belgrade that specialized in custom nationalistic paint jobs for Mazdas. Borislav's Body Shop did paint work exclusively for Mazda RX-8s, and Miroslav's Body Shop did the same for Miatas. for years neither of them had any competition, and they happily coexisted and raked in money in their own little sectors of the industry. but after a while, other, more generic body shops began advertising similar (albeit inferior) paint jobs at a much lower price.

despite their years of experience, Borislav and Miroslav gradually lost their most loyal customers, and both of them fell on hard times. while they had never been more than casual acquaintances, Borislav took pity on himself and Miroslav, and he got to thinking about how they could help each other regain their hold on the market. one day he walked into Miroslav's shop, shook his hand, and proposed that they merge their businesses and open a groundbreaking body shop that painted both RX-8s and Miatas.

what Borislav failed to realize was that Miroslav harbored a pathological loathing of RX-8s. while Miroslav respected Borislav well enough, he had long ago vowed never to apply his brush to an RX-8 even if it meant jeopardizing his life's work. there was no way he would ever consent to the merger. trying to be as tactful as possible, he turned to Borislav and shrugged.

"no, no, that cannot be," he said, looking his comrade right in the eye. "for what you have to understand, my friend, is that WE 'SERB' DIFFERENT MAZDAS."

― administratieve blunder (unregistered), Friday, April 1, 2011 3:47 AM (4 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

a auto paint shop would never use a brush. they use airbrushes.

― who is john nult? (dayo), Friday, April 1, 2011 3:49 AM (4 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

shut up

― administratieve blunder (unregistered), Friday, April 1, 2011 3:53 AM (4 months ago) Bookmark

lol

terrible nerdy audio geek joke

q: which comedian is also a reverb preset

a: rich hall

― men at work choices (electricsound)

that got a lol

that's awesome

q: how did the he-goat learn how to make threatening noises while fighting other he-goats for a mate?

a: he attended Rut Grrrs University

what do you get when you cross elliott smith and lamonte young?

a symphony man, with one fucking note

What do you call a Liverpudlian lady's comb?

A Her brush

what do you call a cheese that can hide a horse?

mascarpone

Did you hear about the female water skier who ran into the floating maritime navigational aid? Yeah, it was a classic case of GIRL MEETS BUOY!

That mascarpone one is good, but would have been significantly funnier for me on first reading if I hadn't initially thought it said "can *ride* a horse".

Did you hear about the wealthy industrialist centipede?
He put pants on just like everyone else.

Multitudinously.

What's Howard's favorite Coen Brothers movie?

O Brother Howard Thou.

What's Howard's favorite Woody Allen movie?

Hannah and Her Sisters and Her Cool Brother, Howard.

Proust wrote about putting his pants on just like everyone else, one hundred pages at a time.

Why will Jona Lewie never get fat?
Because he always stops the carvery

NB: this is really terrible.

Why did the current U.S. president get pegged as a Tangier terrorist?
The got him mixed up with the Morocco Bomber. (sounds like "Barrack Obama")

ilxor screen name joek:

Why was "h" afraid of "i"?
Because "i" ate "e".

eh?

iatee

I lol'd

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interuppting Cow from Jersey.
Interuppting Cow fr...
FAAACK YOU!!

I think that would be better if you said "Interrupting Jersey Cow," since that's actually a kind of cow.

Anyway,

Why is the new iPhone too gangsta for the average buyer?

Because it's 4G.

What do you call a crowd of iPhone 4S owners?

A 4St.

what's philip glass's favorite neil young record?

on the beach, einstein!

I like that one

Did you hear about the band that guy from the Hollies formed with some photos of the desert? Called themselves Koyaanisqatsi Stills & Nash.

When Santa goes raving, does he get smashed on Xmassy?

Read that as Santana!

OK, then..

When Santana goes raving, does he end up at a Samba Pa Ti?

hahaha Dog

okay not a deliberate homemade joke but this came from my 3 year old godson and made me laugh

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with L"

"Elephant"

I really like bernard snowy's Glass/Young joke.

Q: Why couldn't the post-op transexual man stop taking testosterone?
A: Because he was addicted.

A man walks into a military installation. He is shot. His dog looks up and says "You stupid shit, this is a top secret installation!"

Did you hear about the band that guy from the Hollies formed with some photos of the desert? Called themselves Koyaanisqatsi Stills & Nash.

― Lars and the Lulu Girl (NickB), Thursday, October 13, 2011 8:16 AM (3 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Q: Did you hear about the accident at the mushroom processing plant?
A: No
Q: It's got a tragic morel.

Q: How did the pimp lose so much weight?
A: Using one weird old trick.

Have you heard the Kansas song about the Vulture telling his son what's for dinner?

"Carrion my wayward son
there'll be peas when you are done"

Q: What is Lucky Luciano's favorite movie?
A: Maid in Manhattan.

What did the Juggalo eat for breakfast?
Cream of WOOT!

Why did the indie rock ingenue actress go so well on a Croque Monsieur?

Because she was Gooey Bechamel

!

What do you call a horse from Pennsylvania?

A filly!

Haven't quite worked this one out yet, but I think there could be a long joke involving a geisha and a submissive man that ends with the line "I wouldn't have pegged you for a fan"

Have you seen that new Edith Piaf branded salad dressing?

Je ne vinaigrette rien...

stealing that.

five stars!

Q: Where do the Chicago Worms play?

A: At Wriggly Field.

Q: What do you call an extinct species of spider?

A: an arachnid-ism

Q: What subway stop do the Brooklyn Moles get off at?

A: Burrow Hall.

I think having a baby is affecting my humor style.

Did you hear that E.L. James is writing a scat novel?

Yeah, that's right, it's called "Fifty Shades of Gray Poop-on"

Q:What's the king's favorite record label?
A:Moat-town!

Q: What's the lawn's favorite record label?
A: Mow-town!

Q: What's a librarian's favorite record label?
A: STAX

There's this hot new bestseller soft porn novel that started out as He-Man fan fiction.

It's called Fifty Shades of Greyskull

Q. What do they shout at the existentialist gay pride march?
A. "We're here, it's queer, get over it!"

(warning, contains mild racial slur):

Q: Where do Boston Italian Yodas go to meet up?

A: The Dagobah!

I submitted all these jokes to Laffy Taffy under the guise of "Michael Pipia, age 9", I'll let you know who the winners are

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Smell mop"
"Smell mop who?"
"hahahahah"

This is probably my favorite joke ever now.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Asparagi.
Asparagi who?
Asparagi a dollar for bus fare?

A man walks into a military installation. He is shot. His dog looks up and says "You stupid shit, this is a top secret installation!"

― The Cheerfull Turtle (Latham Green), Tuesday, February 7, 2012 9:25 AM (4 months ago)

aaaaaaahh CLASSIC

Q: Why is Joe Paterno rolling over in his grave right now?

A: Because he prefers to look the other way.

Q: What is a francophile's favorite legal drama?
A: Paris Maison

What vegetable helps you get dressed in the morning?

Button-up Squash

Q. What did the pervert say to the bikini-clad lady when she bent over to pick up a seashell?
A. "Damn ma, you find a shell!" ("Damn ma, you fine as hell!")

the lady is his mom?

"that's no lady," etc

What do you get if you cross the captain of the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) with the supreme being?

Jean-Luc Godard

I posted this on another thread so sorry for repeat material, but I really think Daft Punk should release an Indian cookery book called "Cumin After All".

good enough to repeat imo, gave me a second chuckle :)

q. What did the pervert say when asked for forgiveness?
a. "Never my love"

A: Paris Maison. I like this one.

q. what did Edgar allen poe say to that fucking raven
a. fuck off bird!

wait did this ever get resolved

My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Ha.
Ha who?
Nothin'.

― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:52 (2 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

maybe the joke is there is nothing to sink in

Trying to come up with a follow up to my daft punk joke. Can only think of 'One More Thyme' and 'Mace to Mace'

is that crazy incense you have of a daft punk?

Digital Clove

their anime is more hentai than manga (take that!)

that knock-knock joke was the bext birthday gift – I used to get him one sock for his birthday and the other matching sock for Christmas so really he spoiled me in comparsion

A lot of the other orchestral musicians envy the easy portability of my violin. But they're just cellists.

Trying to come up with a follow up to my daft punk joke. Can only think of 'One More Thyme' and 'Mace to Mace'

― sorry for asshole (dog latin), Friday, August 10, 2012 2:23 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Did you not see my follow up in that thread that the book included the recipe "Hotter Pepper Fatter Sambar"?

I'm developing a video game about violent, piano-playing marsupials. It's called Chordal Wombat.

People often ask me how I became the world's most successful weed dealer to migratory birds.

Well it's simple. I leave no tern unstoned.

I like it!

did not realize it when I came up with it, but apparently it's a variation on an Ogden Nash line

So anyway, I couldn't think of any more Daft Punk puns, but I know Sigur Ros are going to be releasing a rival Indian cookbook called Agaetis Biryani.

q: Where does Batman keep his Nietzsche audiobooks?
a: His Bat-Futility Belt.

Did you hear about the new best-seller detailing the salacious academic exploits of a female undergrad who is the daughter of an avid Mets fan? It's called, "50 Grades of Shea."

Wait I made that joke on this board somewhere

tbf I think your version is more elaborate

where does the US military send its funniest soldiers?
Laughganistan!

Man, if there hasn't already been a USO stand-up comedy special called Laughganistan, I think we've failed our troops.

I was really struggling to find places that would repair a harp...

... thankfully Joanna knew some.

bravo

last two are gold

Q: What musician is most at the forefront of the Avant Chard?

A: John Kale

new best tumblr: http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/

Your brain is a poop bomb and you are a zombie and you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers

WHO EATS LIKE A GREEDY PIG AND SUCK BOOBES
RHIANA

What has 2 legs, 2 arms and is still refusing to make me a sandwich?
My Wife.

That one is great!

WHO LIKES BEING GAY AND SNOGIN THE GIRLS

MY RIDICULOS UNCLE EDWARD

who am i ???
i can make brown stuff.
i put my face on the toylet.
i might be disgusting.
so who am i…
i am your butt

the riddle of the sphincter

omg they are my new favourite things. But I lost my shit most at this one

My cat died in the washing machine yesterday.
At least it died in Comfort!

correction, I'm losing my shit at most of them haha

mum; we can eat camels you know honey
dad ; SHUT UP AND GET YOUR TURKEY SCIENCE BOOKS

that one could be an I LOVE CRICKET: THE CHINATOWN OF ILX: THE CHINATOWN OF ILX thread title

What did the goat say to the dog

nice buttock you loser

There was a man with a ham sandwich sitting on a bench in a park. Next to him was a woman with a dog, and the man said “can I throw him a bit?”
The woman said “yes, OK”, so the man picked the dog up and threw him in the pond.

Q.what did batman say to robin before they got in the car

A.get in the car

Did you hear they accept debit cards at the dump now? You can ask for trash back!

this is great

q: why did the ilxor cross the road?

a: she had room for only one McCarthy novel in her ballot, and blood meridian would probably be underrepresented in the poll

Bad Kids Jokes Special: The Unanswered Jokes

Submissions by different kids, all without answers.

why did the goat eat a baloon

WHY DID THE POO CROSS THE ROAD

Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat?

WHAT DO YOU CALL A PIG THAT SHOOTS

how does a penguin get to school

how many dinosaurs can fit in a smart car

why did a cat smak his face

Whats a banana’s favourite dance move?

Why Did The Apple Go To The Toliet?

Do you no the chicken who went to the city to buy a hat

how many pickles do watermelons have

How many cats in the treasure chest?
A: 23
B: 4
C: 176

Joke I literally dreamed this morning:

Monica Lewinsky is giving her clothes away to her celebrity friends. Naturally, Beyonce got the free cum dress.

holy shit.

Did you hear about the grape who liked sunbathing? - He said it was his raison d'etre

WHAT DO YOU CALL A PIG THAT SHOOTS

bac-gun

What was Popeye's favorite Led Zeppelin song?
Olive My Love

Can't tell whether it's no longer his favorite because they split or because he's dead. But solid.

Popeye has to be dead. I mean, come on.

how many dinosaurs can fit in a smart car

I'm getting very religious about drinking probiotic yogurt drinks - i'm thinking of joining a yakult.

What happened when all the judges agreed which was the best tasting ramen? Their verdict was umamimous.

So sorry.

what's the best part about letting casey anthony babysit for you?

she'll kill your kid.

Why did the American take his British date to an estate auction?

Because she told him she was turned on by heirless chests.

^ laughed!

that's great

i've just been putting all my heavy metal albums in strict alphabetical then chronological order. i have oc/dc.

why was 2 afraid of 1? because 187 on an undercover cop

those are both great!

i've just been putting all my heavy metal albums in strict alphabetical then chronological order. i have oc/dc.

― koogs, Wednesday, January 9, 2013 10:15 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

reminds me of a Steven Wright Joke: "I have HDADHD -- I have a lot of trouble concentrating, but when I do it's REALLY clear"

(am determined someone's going to laugh at this, cumbersome though it is.)

i see Disney are remaking their animated film about intelligent rats, updated so the rats have specialised knowledge of new battery technology, 'The Secret Of NiMH'.

(oh, it wasn't disney, but a bunch of disney animators who left and set up their own company)

I like the OCDC one a lot.

i like the nimh joke, especially since it actually relates back to the rats' use of electricity in the original.

What did Santa Claus say when he saw three hookers? "Ho ho ho"

-m p

that was a very bad attempt at a thumbs down emoticon

Perhaps you have not heard of Marvin Gaye's lesser known Jewish cousin, Moishe Gaye?

He scored a minor hit in the 1970s with "Inner Shtetl Blues (Makes Me Want a Challah)"

i was ()_() until "makes me wanna challah" and then i was IRL LOL

When Bruce Banner branched out into convenience foods, what did he call his potato side dish?

HULK'S MASH.

Was Lauren Laverne on the judging panel of American Idol?

No, it was just a Kenickie mirage

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

Nein

simple yet great

So did you guys hear about the hamburger chain that had to close down because it was spending too much on the highest quality ingredients?

I guess the perfect was the enemy of the goodburger.

Q. Who is Guy Fieri's favorite rapper?

A. Entrée 3000

Q. What is Guy Fieri's favorite wrapper?

A. Snickers

Q. What is Paula Radcliffe's favorite wrapper?

A. Marathon

So I don't know if I've told you about my new career, but I've become a shoemaker to the stars. That's right, a shoemaker to the stars. For example, these boots were made for Walken.

brilliant

Q: Which Wu-Tang member is the greatest actor?
A: Method Man.

"Hey Corey, I'm gonna go to that yoga class, wanna come?"
"Nah, I'm-a stay."

I approve of that joke

I hope you remember it at your next group shavasana

I got into a terrible fight with my girlfriend. She was so angry at me that she ripped my sweater all the way down the front. But you know what, I don't mind, because love, love will tear us a cardigan.

That was great.

What did Captain Keef say when he saw the SS Bounty off the starboard bow?

"That's that ship I don't like"

What did the wookie order at the mexican restaurant?
A buRRRRRRRRito! (said by making a wookie sound instead of rolling your r's)

A shepherd and his flock have been walking for miles in search of a brook to drink from. Suddenly one of the sheep, Larry, looks up and says to the shepherd "Hey wait a minute, the sun is setting over there. We've been walking west! I thought I told you it was to the east." The shepherd replies "Oh I'm sorry, I misherd you."

A shepherd and his flock have been walking for miles in search of a brook to drink from. Suddenly one of the sheep, Laura, looks up and says to the shepherd "Hey wait a minute, the sun is setting over there. We've been walking west! I thought I told you it was to the east." The shepherd replies "Oh I'm sorry, I misherd ewe."

lol

mind blown

So, to boost morale, my philosophy department has decided to start having causal fridays.

How do you stop a german literature buff from choking?

Give them the heinrich mann oeuvre.

why was glenn gould always so busy?

because he had to play a lot of gigues.

high marks all

Why did Thom Yorke reject Liam Gallagher's donation of his own body parts for the school raffle?

Because Noel arms and nose are prizes, please

took me a while to get that one.

I'm writing an economic study about the workers at a chain hotdog stand in the UK.

It's called "The Welsh of Nathan's"

What was the gutter punk's favorite Steve Miller song

Fly like an oogle.

I dated a customs official once but in the end she had too much baggage.

i like it

You know, they say the gay rights movement started with the Stonewall Riots, but those are bullshit. Total false fag operation.

Slept with a ballerina last night. She was on point.

Submitted the following to a short-lived falafel spot on St. Mark's in a contest to name a dish:
'I let this chickpea in my mouth and now I falafel.'
Did not win.

falafel = feel awful is kind of an old standard but I like your twist

The causal fridays one upthread is too good.

ty, I liked your on point as well

Noel arms and nose are prizes is gonna haunt my thoughts for eternity tbh.

Q: What dancehall artist is #1 on pirate radio stations?

A: B-arrrrr-ington Levy.

So I ran into my friend the lingerie model the other day, and she was looking really sad. So I asked her "why the thong lace?"

Nice.

I asked my friend if he wanted to come w/ me to this German philosophy discussion but he told me he was busy and that he Kant Goethe anything tonight :(

like

Q: What's six foot three and purple?

A: René Aubergine

A: What do you call a unicellular eukaryotic organism that would rather spend his Friday night pounding a few Bud Lights with his buds at the pool hall than take his girlfriend out for a romantic Italian dinner for two?
A: A brotozoa.

Whoops, sorry, "What do you call a unicellular eukaryotic organism that would rather spend his Friday night pounding a few Bud Lights with his buds at the pool hall than take his girlfriend out for a romantic Italian dinner for two?" was supposed to be the A:

I have a condition you see

It was supposed to be the Q:

(...condition)

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/307372_517836104906387_1641481268_n.jpg

Did you hear that Roger Waters just crashed his inflatable pig into London's tallest building?? I know it's wrong to laugh but eh, Shard and Floyd

ouch.

Don't suppose you heard his disastrous cover of Smooth Operator either then?

wow.

I hear certain 1970s hairstyles are back in fashion at the moment?
Yep, afros are big right now.

¡GOL! I'm actually gonna use that on irl.

Where do crust punks get those fashionable clothes?

American oogle

Why was the Met visitor so grateful to the one-armed, one-legged man for showing him around?

Because it had been a long time since he'd gotten a half-docent museum tour.

Q: Who is the greatest Ukrainian indie guitar goddess?
A: Mary Timoshenko

Why did Sean connery take an assertiveness course?

Because he wanted to get more pushy.

brilliant

That is great.

Q: How do you call your German grandma?
A: On the Deutsche Gramma-phone

Ha!

connery one is killing me

Q: What did Pink Floyd do after they wrote Wish You Were Here?
A: Push Syd Barrett out the window

Q. what Disney pop starlet is known for her ability to sing 32nd notes?
A. hemisemidemilovato

oh shit!

Did you hear Miss Cleo went to a drag show in Puerto Rico? She said the audience was a lot of fun but the headliner was a real borinquen.

Why was there a bottle of Hendricks raffled off at the smooth R&B concert?

Because it was Ginuwin(e)

Hurting man you sure put in the legwork <3

you def get that it's a numbers game!

lo;

lol

^great homemade joek!

marc lo;

This one I came up with a looong time ago

Why are women's breasts like comic books? They were designed for small children but grown men run all the fan clubs.

ha!!

v good

Q. What did Julia Roberts say when she crashed her husband's car into the bridge?
A. "I don't care, Lyle Lovett!"

her ex-husband, but still a nice one.

I've been swimming in raw sewage. Lyle Lovett!

lmao never gonna hear that song the same again

I do actually love that

So the other day I started reading this book about the myriad difficulties that arise when trying to euthanise dogs - I did! it's a real book that exists.

AND

LET

ME

TELL

YOU

I couldn't put it down.

http://i.imgur.com/1fDus.gif

:-)

Q. why do anarchists drink herbal tea?
A. because they're wankers

It works

Hey there everybody, what's happening? So get this. At the grocery store earlier, I noticed that certain generic brand kitchen trash bags are now treated with a chemical component that absorbs foul smells. Kind of like built-in Arm and Hammer. Have you seen these? Have you seen these bags? They're called "odor control" bags, pretty cool technology. Well anyway, after reading Yahoo! OMG this morning, I got to wondering if perhaps Khloé Kardashian had not secretly hoped that Hefty might soon market a line of extra-strength trash bags durable enough to dispose of a human corpse... called Lamar Odom control bags! Cause I don't care if you have kids in the family or not, you don't want addicts in your home, folks. You do not want an addict in your home. Hey, you've been a great audience you guys, thanks so much!

Why did the two middle-aged jewish ladies decide not to stay at the Daft Punk full-album show? Because it was Humid After All.

harder, better, farkakte

I have told that Jewish lady/Daft Punk joke so many times; there are v few ppl who get it but those who do make it worth it.

friend of mine loaned me a big collection of fine art, I was like "thanks man, I appreciate it"

I like it

I don't understand it; my 5 year old could make that joke!

I thought of a really really terrible joke and it goes thus:

why did the moroccan restaurant start only serving half portions?

just cous

oh come on, that's great

Q: What did Pink Floyd do after they wrote Wish You Were Here?
A: Push Syd Barrett out the window

― i don't even have an internet (Hurting 2), Wednesday, June 26, 2013 3:59 AM (3 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

missed this, feeling this

"Hey, I heard that Columbia cancelled Steve Lukather's record deal. Isn't that awful? He played a pivotal role in the band."
"In Toto?"
"Yeah, they cancelled the entire contract, not just certain clauses."

nice

somehow the awkwardness of the punchline only makes it funnier

lol

IRL LOL'd at unregistered's joke.

Q: What did the rappin' ship say when he docked safely?

A: "I'd just like to give a shout out to all my buoys!"

I just got an email from Banana Republic advertising "Party Perfect Dresses." Shows what they know - I never go to parties!

I was looking for something to masturbate to the other day, when suddenly I came upon this magazine

~*gRoAnS*~

exactly