Roland Garros 2004

My bet is NBC audiences will get their highlights from (rhymes with Poland) (rhymes with Paris) every night.

Rumours have been starting to circulate that last year's king Juan Carlos may be forced to pull out due to wrist/rib injuries. I think it's got to be down to either the Fed or Coria, with it ultimately being dependent on how Fed plays.

On the women's side... whoever holds up physically and mentally. It's intriguing, because all the leading contenders have a question mark over their form. JHH has just recovered from a virus akin to glandular fever. Serena has been rather listless on clay since her comeback. Venus and Mauresmo have been playing outstanding tennis, but Venus is carrying an ankle injury and Mauresmo... well, we all know what happened last time she went into RG after dominating the clay season. *cough* Jana Kandarr *cough*

My own favourite, Princess Anastasia, has the Draw From Hell: Molik in round one, Mandula in round three, Sprem or Kuznetsova in round 4, Venus in the quarters.

The qualies are all about superkids Shuai Peng and Nicole Vaidisova (at least until the latter - straight outta Prague, 14 years old, six foot tall - imploded in the last round against some Yank scrub).

Holy Christ, I'm scared.

Official WTA interview with Ms Vaidisova here. Apparently she's already hooked up with the same people who manage Venus Williams and Andy Roddick.

Not much interest among the qualifiers - Gubacsi and Peng both let us down, and instead we get a load of boring Americans. Sigh.

This is just a bump while I clean the oven. Shame about Zsofia.

Just can expect a Test, but I don't foresee any such probs for Ags (though he's shakily returning to the tour) or Dave N Port (though she's up against the Fronchest of the lot - Virginie Pichet). Hennes is up in ten minutes vs Saulnier, a match he could well struggle in.

Worth getting a ground pass for: Corretja-Gambill, Sargsian-Ancic and Schwartz-Sharapova (age still less than seeding - like Wayne R and his squad number - but not for too much longer).

JHH a break down already against the Test Tube. Ooh.

The scoreboard has gone bonkers in the Safina v Schruff (!!! - there's someone called Schruff!) match. It is ignoring the existence of tie-break scoring, and has now gone back in time twice. It's likely that Safina choked at some point, though.

Barbara Schwartz, erstwhile conqueror of Venus here an eon ago, couldn't solve a problem like Maria and became the first woman out to the tune of 6-3 6-0.

Agatha down a set to a qualifier called Haehnel. Eek. This hot on the heels of an opening round loss last week to Zimonjic.

Grinning Greg seems to have set his sights firmly on the green grass of Queen's - surprisingly good performance in the first set against Verdasco, but he lost that in a TB and appears to have disintegrated somewhat.

Elsewhere, Agassi is a set down and Rusedski is a set and 0-5 vs Verdasco. Poor Greg. No wonder his signature Donnays were going so cheap at Lillywhites.

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Paradorn S, who's interested in buying a stake in Tranmere Rovers, through in four; Sears-Roebuck struggling to hold at the start of the fifth vs Thamble.

My comment then and now: when you find yourself losing to people called Cyril, it must be time to jack it in.

Is this top-300er playing the match of his life or is Mr Graf just have a 'mare? He's only made 11 unforced errors according to the statz.

That unforced error count does seem low. Maybe that's AA's trouble: he's trying to play too safe and waiting for this Mr X to get all over-awed and lose it. Maybe their definition of an 'unforced error' is more forgiving than elsewhere.

Maybe the count just needs updating. Notice now it's 13, only a couple more than opponent Jerry (who isn't one, despite a last name which suggests otherwise).

Serra-Spadea looks like a cracker - nearing four hours, Eric has the match in his grasp at 5-1 in the 5th.

Of course that other Eric (the one created by Michael Palin, who may or may not have been loosely or not so loosely based on Geoffrey Boycott) had a thing about 'shoovels'.

Check scores, only to find it's Vince's ad.

Check again, it's his game. Back on level terms in the fifth.

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Elsewhere, La Mesmo is off and running: 5-2 up vs Server Nova.

Que Serra Serra.

Meanwhile, some character called Lars Burgsmuller is in the process of losing the third after winning the first two against the only slightly less amusingly named Nicolas Mahut.

(I don't know exactly what 'burgsmulling' is slang for, but it sounds like it either is illegal or should be.)

First women's epic is underway - Mar-wee Serna leads Mpaperfolding 7-6, having saved two match points at 5-6.

Dokic is losing, but that's pretty much a given these days.

A moment's silence for Lubomira Kurhajcova, who proved otherwise today against Mona Lisa* and who must be feeling really, really bad right now.

Bepa through for the loss of just two games, Dock Itch out after giving up the ghost midway though.

I never thought I would be reduced to cheering on a man like Todd Martin, but this is what Dickhead makes me do.

*most un-apt nickname ever, but it's only Day 1. I'm going to make like J-Hen and say my nicknaming skills will improve as the tournament goes on.

Good God, I wasn't following that one. Well done, Baxter.

Oh, and Chandra Levy has withdrawn and is replaced in the draw by one Tzipi Obziler.

I have a new favourite.

Dick at triple set point vs Toddpullel.

God, even seeing the Dickhead's name on the scoreboard makes me angry. Grrr.

Court 1 is the place to be tomorrow; resisting the hype (hey, she only won the French twice), Martina N is only third on the third best court, following a possible epic in Shuttle-Neptune and preceding Growl vs Squeak (Lleyts takes on Joe Pasq).

Defending champ Ferrero might find himself grappling with the twilight - his tricky tie with Daagen-Haas is the fifth rubber on Chatrier.

Come on, Roger!

Also, Klara Koukalova manages to break the 'top name, shit game' hex that afflicted Janko Tipsarevic and Alex Bogolomov Jr. yesterday, by getting through 7-6 7-6 against Golovin. She beat someone once, didn't she?

Arnie in trouble, love-thirty at 14-14; 387mins on court.

Santoro, 6-4 6-3 6-7 3-6 16-14 in 6hr35. I'm going to stick my neck out and say that's the longest men's match of all time (not continuous, mind).

Enqvist, Grosjean, Schiavone and Schnyder all through comfortably.

Bloody Golovin. All my teenage prodigies are letting me down. K-Kou beat Seles once though, so it's not a horrendous loss.

Vee and Ree both through in the blink of an eye; last week's Strasbourg heroine Clouds pierced thoroughly by La Diva. Zippy Tzipi out to She-Ra Perry.

Another Rainy day as Schuttler continues his miserable year; erstwhile Capriati amour X-Man wins comfortably.

Gorgeous Gisela resists the return of the Nav to the tune of 6-1 6-3, which means that when the Ageless One finally gets a ranking after this tournament it will be - eek - below 900.

Impressive four-set win for the defending champ over the pinball wizard; just like old, more wintry times as Nordic warhorses Bjorkman and Enqvist line up against each other in r2; currently gasting my flabber in varying degrees - the fact that Chewitt hasn't dispensed of the squeaker yet (and looks like he might drop set three) and the alarming mid-match droop from Kuerten, sagging off the rails as Almagro prepares to serve for two sets all.

Mystikal struggled but sneaked through as did The Threshing Machine - 7-5 in the third against Ali Najid.

Castanet v Gaudy suspended at two sets all. I wouldn't put it past them to surpass the record set by Fab Fabrice and, er, Arnaud today.

"I don't care. What do I get? A medal?".

Mats caught a bit of flak back in the day for writing off Sampras as a potential world-beater when 18-year-old Pistol ended MW's reign as champion at the '89 US Open; he'd never seen anyone go quite so hell-for-leather on every shot before, mixing hopeless errors with inspired winners with no apparent design, and didn't think anyone so inconsistent could win anything. Becker, reckoned Mats, was the precursor to this sort of tennis (though he tempered his style into his early 20s).

In other news, Snoop Dogg has come out as a Lendl fan. "He was the truth," said Mr Dogg.

Right now, Coria is M*A*S*Hing up Monaco (preview of tonight?) and Escude and Moya are motoring nicely.

Hardenne cannot hold on to a break to save her life at the mo' - in a second she'll be serving to stay in the tournament at 4-5. Yikes!

Tax breaks - and it's all over. Oh. My. God.

On the subject of Olivier, Marathon Man is running out of juice on Chatrier - Labadze up two sets to one, Fabric's legs must be 1000-dernier and rising.

Mut's hanging in - 4-3 on serve in the 4th vs Sandy.

And Santoro is into a 5th set as well. That man is taking some punishment.

In the red-hot male-on-male action, Gaudio wraps up Canas with disappointing alacrity (6-2 in the fifth), Mario "Isn't He Meant To Quite Good?" Ancic zib-zabs Zabaleta, and Raemon Sluiter does the same to Dominik "No Obvious Pun At This Time" Hrbaty. Oh, and Moya's through with qutie scary ease, dropping just four games against Gil Vicente.

Giving a shout out to the ladies, Farina Elia falls to The Redemption Kid, Suarez gives the Douchebag a kicking, Little Miss Marat is scared off her... tarat by Missy Irvin, Maggie M takes her time to get round Marrero, Tatiana Perebiynis leads Harkleroad up the garden path, and Marlene Weingartner wins as well. Well done Marlene Weingartner.

Mutis outbroke my pint-sinking but Roddick got one back so we're square. I'd loved to have seen this - people have been purring about Olly for ages but he can't work out the gears on the talent/results mill. Americans left in the men's singles: 0. French players left: 8 (5 already in r3, 2 guaranteed into r4). Boy George vindicated.

Jenriati in trouble early on but breaks back at the right time; Christophe will not, will not Rochus - 1-6 first set vs Costa del Bert. Fedz may face more of a test from Sutherland later and Grosjean (outside bet for the title?) faces - oh, wow! - POTITO STARACE.

Best Chinese GS performance: perhaps Yi Jingqian reaching the last 32 at the 2000 Aussie Open. Jie Zheng has a chance of eclipsing that if Garbin slips from the zonal high that took her past Justi; JZ was a doubles quarterfinalist this year in Melbourne and is currently ranked #58 in singles. This is 14,000 places higher than the best British woman - Mrs Marjorie Creeble, 52, club treasurer at Hove & District Croquet and Drag Racing Association - who has a mean topspin sort-of-scoopy-off-the-floor shot.

Sorry I failed to chronicle the demise of 'Sandshoe Face II' last night (SF I of course being Ivan Lendl). Results like that almost make up for the past sins of this event, such as making Thomas Muster #1.

OK, it's KwikPoll time - best Fronchy final ever? Evert-Nav in '85? Graf-Hingis in '99? Lendl-Mac in '84? The Norman-Kuerten final from 2000 was apparently action-packed but I never saw it.

Yesterday we lost the other half of our golden pair - at the same stage too. Ferrero-Andreev being the only tennis I've so far seen: two points on Breakfast TV with JC looking drained, as if he taken a midnight stroll with Baron Latos.

Safin and Mantilla have one eye (each) on the Clement-Santoro record; play suspended last night at 7-7 in the 5th, who knows how long on court. Shades of Flinders Park (can I still call it that?). Safin was 4-1, possibly 5-1, in the decider at 8:45-ish CET last night.

I've only been watching them since '97... but I'm going with Graf v Hingis, oh the drama... just edging out Capriati v Clijsters, which I suspect I would've found more fun had I actually liked watching either play. The men seem to have a knack of producing the best tennis of the year in all rounds except the final, lately... wasn't Norman v Kuerten a SF? And wherefore Norman these days anyway?

The Incredible Hulk (Fuchsia Version) vs Kirikirilenko was amazing last night... the Russian teenager (yes, you read right, there is a talented young player from that country) has serious game. She was placing the ball exactly where she wanted on the court with scant regard for Serena's hard hitting, and utterly confusing her with changes of pace and direction at times. And she even loves to come to net! Then she went up 4-2 in the decider, served at 4-3 and choked with two double faults. Bah. Not entirely impressed with Serena's behaviour - fair enough, you want to win and it's good to see the girls being aggressive... but pumping your fist and screaming 'YES!' after your opponent's double fault or a fluky net cord is beyond classless. Also, please don't act so offended when someone hits a winner against you... you're not the only player in the world with talent. </rant>

Other happenings: Big John out to the Star Ace; Tommy E wins the battle of the Swedes against Vespertine Man; Costa Brava and Bandy move on quietly; Gorgeous Gisela beats both '94 Wimbledon finalists back to back, defeating Cowchita Mootinez in straights - could anyone have imagined back then that ten years on, someone would take out both of them in a Slam and still only be in the third round?; Kirilenko may have choked, but like Jason's army the Russians just keep popping up everywhere with Myskina, Kuznetsova and Bovina all through.

(Thanks to the web and memories of my wife's breathless account of the drama after I got in that evening for those details.)

Marat and Felix are kicking their heels waiting to resume their epic -'etja and 'ela deep into a fourth set on their court. Henman going remarkably well vs HM Slade's oldest inmate - 7-6 6-1 2-1. Last 16 at last? Llodra coasting through the first of the day's all-French-all-the-time match-ups - and it would be Henmo next. They met at Wimbledon last year and people were briefly transported into the 1970s so dainty a touchfest was it.

Juan Ignacio in control vs Alex C - 5-2 in the 4th; Perebiynis is not long for this world - in crisis vs Suarez, so who does that leave with a mouthful of a name? Is Myriam Casanova still in?

Tax Breaks didn't break enough today - Zheng zhings through to round 4, and this is officially the best Slam performance ever by a Chinese woman.

Bad, bad losses for the Russians - Bepa loses to Shaz, while Pet comes up short against Marlene On The Wall.

Wee Willie still looking impressive, dismissing SuperMario with ease.

The World's Greatest Lover is still in, though if Kuznetsova keeps herself together tomorrow it won't be for long...

Women sees Zheng's run almost certainly ending against Paola Suarez, who has hardly broken sweat never mind lost a set thus far. You'd also reckon Mesmo can get by Maggie, because it's Amelie's home turf and, well, not to be rude, but it's Maggie Maleeva. The idea of her getting anywhere in a Grand Slam is one that I find strange and confusing. The other two are harder calls - Big Dave vs. Dementia because Lindsay has said she didn't really fancy her chances on clay (hasn't stopped her from winning every set so far, mind), and Dementia because she was oh-so-slightly lucky against Smashnova. Then there's The Future Of The Women's Game, who's hardly looked in any trouble thus far, and Marley Marl, who got pushed to three sets by Maria Elena Camerin but straight setted the seeded Petrova and Daniilidou.

I used to wuv Manuela Maleeva. And Andrea Jaeger. And Hana Mandlikova. Does this age me/indicate what terrible taste in lesbians I have?

Hasn't the Magster reached a Slam QF before? In the ancient, prehistoric days pre-Williams?

I saw a bit of the Demented Diva against the Smash Pistol - my god, the Diva's serve is the worst thing I have ever seen, one of her second serves was 38mph! How, when she hits it so slowly, does she still manage to serve so many double faults?

I'm shocked that The Future beat Bepa - I like her, but honestly, I don't think a single thought passes through her young blonde brain at any point when she's on court.

(my aunt works as a physio at Wimbledon every year - many an evening has been spent with her discussing the personalities, sexualities and scandals present in the women's dressing room)

Fatriati, the Contessa Anastasia and Williams Jr both through, though the former struggled a lot and ultimately got a bit lucky vs the Bovine One.

Eurosport are currently showing someone called Igor Andreev. HOT.

I've spent all of 30 seconds trying to think of a parallel between Pierce-Venus and Palace-Hammers (I'm foregoing the former for the latter) without involving the words 'ice princess' and 'Sister Sledge' and I can't do it. Come on you Eagles!

Shocking Blue murderized Quite Contrary three and one. Max of one Williams in the final though - Shap vs Resmo in the other half?

Oh, and Palace are in the Premiership. But that's another thread.

Also - Handy Andy picks off JJ Bendytoes to set up a match with the Galloping Gourmet, and Feliciano Lopez does for Half-Decent Lee and finds himself as the next obstacle to Gustavo Kuerten Heroic Comeback 2K4 starring Yahoo Serious and Juliette Binoche coming to a screen near you Fall 2005 (a FilmFour production)

My Marat came back! He took the second set and now needs to speed through the rest of the match if he is to have any chance against the Bandy Andean. I suspect that they're showing Ver Llout and Ver Kerk on TV though, and Ican't stand either so will avoid.

Who reaches the ladies' final from the top half is dependent on which stage Mauresmo chooses to choke at.

I expect an old-fashioned alternative is long-wave radio (happy memories of listening to a French station broadcasting Leconte's victory over Becker in '88, or the German channel carrying Westphal-Edberg in the '85 Davis Cup).

Our Stacey, having blown his 4-1 lead in set two vs Saffy, isn't so careless in set three. But we expect Marat to win every match in five sets, so Lex needn't worry yet. Ffurious Bball Of Rruddy-Ffaced Hhate looks to have wrested control from last year's Best Loser - up 3-0 in the decider. Bandy makes the last 16 with a tough win over Kouhoutek; Xavier a set up on Costa.

Venus-Capriati is a certainty, isn't it? (Even though I reckon Shinobu Dragon Ninja is going to squeak Serena)

Venus-Capriati? Well, as patchy as Serena's form is... it's JenFat who's dropped two sets so far just to get to the last 16, and Frankee may well give her the "fuck you" in the next round. If Serena-JenFat materialises, I'd definitely give the Fuchsia Hulk the edge. As for Venus, I retain a possibly misguided hope that whichever of my Russinas meets her in the QF can beat her... humour me.

Hewie Llewis through in five, Bert hits back vs Lisse, Saffron still to make the breakthrough vs Wedges.

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The livescore site shows us that the Dirty Old Man just ripped set 2 from the X-Man, and Marat and Mister Potito Head are having a right old ding-dong too...

You too Marat.

I was spared Safin's agonies because I was making Caesar salad.

OK, it's 5-5 between Costa and Malisse and that's yer lot. 9:46pm. Bloody hell.

Had he taken his chances to beat Safin he'd have had 346 points, elevating him to the hundred-and-teens, within touching distance of direct entry in the Slams (somehow I doubt we'll see him at Roehampton anyway). If the ATP hadn't stupidly dropped the bonus system for beating highly ranked players, he have had an even greater prize.

Court #1 the place to be today for the women's: four of the last 16 matches are there (Sharap, I Never Promised You A Wine Garden, Zheng-a-leng, Crisis, Nasty, Svet's Life, Cappifer and Sheer Voney) punctuated only by (we hope) a knock-up and about ten points from Alby and Xavy.

Timbody is 1-0 up in the first against Metal Mickey.

I'm really heavily tempted to put a fiver on Sharapova to win the whole thing. She is in form...

The juniors are playing now. Looking at the draws... well, if any of these people make it, we won't need nicknames ever again, not with real names like Pichittra Thongdach, Eden Marama, Katerina Kramperova, Bibiane Schoofs, Alize Cornet, Yasmin Schnack, Estefania Balda, Masa Zec-Peskiric, Eduardo Schwank, Lukas Lacko, Remko De Rijke, and Woong-Sun Jun.

J-Ig quells Mutya in four sets, too.

Henners is ding-ding-a-donging against Llodra - 5-5 in the fifth, he lost the first two sets 7-6 6-4, then came back to take the next two 6-4 6-3 - Llodra gets match point on Henman's serve at 5-4, can't do anything... blimey.

By way of contrast, Scu retires against Coria after losing the opener 6-0.

Elsewhere, JieJie goes down fighting against THE DARK HORSE, and Mesmo makes stunningly short work of Milk-Snatcher, 6-2 6-1. Kiss Kiss bludgeons her way to a one set lead against Mysky.

Bantustove's last gasp to stay in it vs Venus may just have evaporated - from a minibreak up to a minibreak down in the 2s t/b.

FranSchi up a break on Fatriati. Eurosport showing people on bikes. GRRRRRR.

How It Will Pan Out - Mesmo-Shari is a titanic battle that sees La Fabuleuse squeak out the win in front of a euphoric Court Chatrier. She then gets straight-setted by A Williams Sister in the final.

Kuerten (Brz, 28) v Nalbandian (Arg, 8)
Gaudio (Arg, r44) v Hewitt (Aus, 12)
Moya (Esp, 5) v Coria (Arg, 3)
Henman (GB, 9) v Chela (Arg, 22)

(What price an all-Argie last four? Has this ever happened before with any single nation in any Open era Grand Slam? Americans? Aussies?)

Also...

Suarez (Arg, 14) v Sharapova (Rus, 18)
Mauresmo (Fra, 3) v Dementieva (Rus, 9)
Myskina (Rus, 6) v V Williams (US, 4)
Capriati (US, 7) v S Williams (US, 2)

Fantasy Champs: Bandy and Mysky. It Would Make Sense: Amelie and G'mo. Enough Already: Moya and Serena. What Year Is This?: Guga and Jenria. The World Turned Upside Down: Timbot and Iris. Winning Ugly: Lleyt and Venus.

(These are all either books by Brad Gilbert or pubs along the Old Kent Road).

Something needs to be done about Timid Timothy. On Sunday, we got to see all five torturous sets of his match... and NOT ONE POINT of any of the women's last 16 fest.

If the next generation are comedy-names ahoy, then the veterans who provided gentler early evening entertainment at RG today were evocatively monickered in a different way. Jarryd, Sanchez, Pernfors, Gomez, Chesnokov - it all comes flooding back, doesn't it? Or maybe not, seeing as I seem to be the only person on this thread who'd be in the Legends Doubles myself... Boetsch/Pioline, for chrissakes? Did they fake their birth certificates? I/They can't be this old already...

I want the semis to be: Guga, Gaudio, Guillermo and Iggy. Luckily, I think that's how it'll pan out. Masha, Elena and Anastasia would be ideal... I could care less which brainless American wins the last quarter.

I dreamt last night I was playing ping-pong with Anders Jarryd in a hall of mirrors! Blame the grade-five Canadian cheddar in the pasta bake.

The great thing about the Red Army is that with so many of them, there's bound to be a chess-playing literature maven in there somewhere, and sure enough, Vera Zvonareva lists her favourite author as Mikhail Bulgakov, and Elena Dementieva relaxes by playing chess with her brother, a national champion. I would never have thought it, but Kournikova seems to be into her classic Russian fiction a lot... her favourite author is Tolstoy. I'm sure that this holds their tennis back, actually... they think too much, and over-analyse the situation, and are too aware of how big certain matches are... and then, if they're Vera Z, they cry. It's all incredibly frustrating.

Browsing the player profiles on the WTA website, though... I swear that Céline Dion and Sting are entirely dependent on pro athletes for their continued massive sales. Dear god, Justine, I expected better of you.

Chucking it down in Paris? Maybe they'll wheel out Johnny Hallyday for a singalong. Neglected to set the video as second week Brit interest wasn't built into the TV schedules. DG will be furious.

Anyway, they're off - both showcourts a game or two in, so you can expect Tim-Iggy 3:30-ish if there's no further rain.

Jen serving to stay in set two at 1-5.

With Renes serving at 36% and bearly able to transfer weight to her front foot, and Capri moving even less convincingly than her four-wheeled namesake, it may be a case of next to hold wins.

So I turn on expecting to see tennis, BBC 2 give me Robert Mitchum. If it gets bumped for Flog It!, words will be yelled. By me. A lot.

Also - unless I'm entirely mistaken, does that make Kelly "Pao-Pao! Pao-Pao!" Marie the only player left in the thing that hasn't dropped a set yet?

IBM Scoreboard reported Jen's victory then revised it back to 40/30 - due to that late call business. Venus yet to break through in the second set vs Myskina (has she twigged that lil' sis is out yet?): 2-2, Nastya looking solid.

Thanks, Liz. I have this strange compulsion to share my excitement at events I'm not even watching unfold and it's a bit too obvious to shout scores across the office (though I just did to Steve who was following on the too-slow BBC site), so I do it here. Nice to know someone gets something out of it.

I have shouted myself hoarse and awoken my latent hangover headache by cheering Nastya on so vociferously, and I don't have a care in the world right now - my favourite player just had the win of her career, beat a Williams sister and is in her first Slam semi. She nearly choked at the end... but in stark contrast to the Australian Open, she had enough courage this time round to seize her chance. God, this is good.

Now, crush JenFat.

Watching Mauresmo play reminds me of watching Ian Botham bat. It may well all look like brute force and stupidity, but underneath all the primal violence there is a very sound technique which deviates from orthodoxy a lot less than you'd suspect.

Off home to the possible peculiar delight of BBC2 evening tennis in the first week of June.

I have missed all this.

Are there any highlights on TV later?

Ane more importantly, why not?

Today is Justine Henin-Hardenne's birthday... I wonder if she got a set of voodoo dolls for her present? "If I can't have it, none of my closest rivals can either!"

Moya a set down but a break up against Wee Willie.

Coria up two sets and a break.

Seems unlikely that he'll win in straight sets? He doesn't usually do that, does he?

Henman now up a break against his sartorial twin in set three. OK, the Sampras comment was maybe over the top, but this is classy stuff.

Anyways, TH serves for it.

Ace for match point.

'Stunning'.

Who's this opponent he faces next? Any danger? (Probably.)

I am really surprised that TH won a match in straight sets - it's not his usual way, is it?

If Guillermo doesn't abruptly end his run in straight sets, I will shout at him. Until then, though... I shall bask in All-Williams Crashout Day.

Suzy, I think you're flying a lone flag for the Dubenroe. Or maybe we just don't want to consider it. Turns out they were all in a studio in London - hence the panic when the satellite went down at break point. Mac will commentate 'standing on his head' if Henman downs Coria. He's safe, I think.

I wouldn't have even given a toss about the tennis this year until Wimbledon but for yr. threads. Nice work.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves, long way to go, etc...

And I was there, only the other day!

Next up, it's tke KuerNal, the rumpf, the gist.

(Sorry about the typo in the last post; I was spilling food down myself at the time).

Jeez, I've finished my lunch now an' all.

Not good - a swift start for dB and it could be over in three.

I'm a typo fiend today. Guga blasts back from 1-4 in the 3rd to level.

Coria really is looking a strong favourite here - Guga's legs are not meant to be in particularly great shape at the moment, and though Nal's been having a cracking tournament, he's definitely lacking pedigree in these environs (previous best - 3rd round 2 years ago) - same goes for Henners. Gaudy's a fair ol' dark horse, mind...

Are you channeling Sid Waddell Mike?

(DB - I think I must be, I don't know where that came from).

Suarez-Dementieva and Capriati-Myskina tomorrow; Gaudio-Nalbandian and Coria-Henman Friday.

I'm off home to have Chinese food from the blander end of the menu with the folks.

And Suarez cos... well, I dunno. Consistency, I guess, which hasn't exactly been the trademark of any of the others.

I'm off work on Friday - yay! I'm picking my parents up from Victoria Coach Station at 2:30 - boo! Aging Panasonic VCR with the clunking transport - don't fail me now.

Winners? Coria (who hasn't stopped looking like the favourite for months now) and the Diva, as long as she keeps her head.

In the men's, the Bryan twins play Llods and Fab Fabrice (he isn't dead after all!); All Belgium All The Time still gets something of a say in this year's tournament as Malisse and Rochus (the Olivier version) go up against Bhupathi and Mirnyi.

The mixed doubles semis are fascinating for the presence of Tatiana Golovin and Richard Gasquet - French teenage prodigies both, they're sailing regally through the draw with all the verve of two kids who know they'll be on top of the mountain sooner rather than later. Bless. The Bovine One and Zimonjic, however, won the Australian mixed title and are thus on top of this particular mountain right now, and they're next for the super-kids. In the other semi, the Black siblings prove conclusively that their parents' naming skills were erratic at best - one is prettily named Cara, the other is, er, Wayne. And they play Woodbridge and - my gosh - Daniela Hantuchova.

I fully expect Coria to dismantle Henman like a Southerner on a slab of ribs.

With Myskina, they would mention how 'exotic-looking' she is and mention her naked GQ shoot, and then use her as an excuse to talk about all the Russians, especially the blonde, nubile ones. With Suárez, they would employ the word 'veteran', possibly in conjunction with the word 'canny', and mention her Wimbledon doubles title.

Castle took Mats Wilander to five sets in '86 (I remember Barry Davies or someone saying at 4-4 in the first set that he mustn't let the magnitude of what he was doing go to his head; there was one 7-0 tie-breaker in that match where Castle looked like a contender; he lost the fifth set to love). Bailey hit the backhand pass of his life to move to match point on Centre vs Ivanisevic in '93 - Goran missed a first serve, flicked the tape with his second, then finally aced down the middle; he won 9-7 in the 5th.

Lex: top doubles reportage! I can't back against Max and Mehesh in the men's or those discounted boozy Russians in the women's; can we get the phrase "blowing a Gasquet" out of the way now in the mixed?

It's a description of the whole B-side, Jerry.

WBS: Yeah, the 'not dropped a set' thing not such a clear pointer to fizzy-fine form in the women's event. PS breaks at the start of set two though!

ALL-RUSSIAN FINAL! ALL-RUSSIAN FINAL! ALL-RUSSIAN FINAL!

I am somewhat incoherent/delirious with joy right now.

Nastya was SO FUCKING GOOD in those last couple of games.

*dies*

happy for you petal :)

This is made a hell of a lot sweeter by the innumerable chokes, disappointments, failures to bring it against the very top players, psycho tantrums, that the Russians have given me in the past... and now this. Best. Slam. Ever.

Best tactician on tour, and best psychic powers too.

What's wrong with Victoria Coach Station?

The coffee?

That's no way to talk about the National Express fleet.

No breaks between 'ian Gillan and Ronnie James 'dio thus far.

I don't consider myself a Gaudiophile, but - cripes - first set to Fernandez 6-3!

Am I going to have to eat foam? Surely he won't beat Coria... reassure me now...

Tim should lose, but I'm hoping you eat the ottoman on sunday night edward.

Result: Nalbandian 3-6 6-7 (5/7) 0-6 Gaudio

Result: Nalbandian loses 3-6 6-7 (5/7) 0-6 to Gaudio

(xp)

This is quite entertaining. Mentions of Robert Smith and Clive Allen in the first set alone!

TH has been mostly magnificent though.

(not that it's actually over yet, but, well...)

3-6 6-4 6-0 to Coria. And that's goodnight from me.

Still, he's stopped the rot for a bit, holding serve to get back to 3-1.

5-5 dammit.

So, we're left with Gaslamp and Corollary. I'm rooting for Gaudio cos Coria looks like a boy I used to go to school with who was a cunt.

And how strangely heartening and perhaps even touching it is to see a French crowd pulling for the guy whereas our own Union Jack bowler-sporting ninnies make me reach for my combined sick-bucket-revolver.

I foresee a quick exit at Queens followed by Britcentric drama in SW19 which will make the previous years 'Henmania' seem like the forty-second lull in Heartbeat which immediately follows the first ad break.

The super-kids won the mixed doubles! Bless them.

http://www.freewebs.com/golovin/6.JPG

Tomorrow: Myskina in two tight sets, one a breaker. Sunday: Coria in three, maybe four if GG Allin gets off to a flyer.

Coria in four, and Nastya in straights. If that happens, I'll actually get the people I wanted to win at the start of the tournament actually winning it, which would be novel and very exciting.

Tomorrow: to be contrary: Gaudio in 4.

Myskina was very good with her returns, and defensively she had it locked down. Her serve wasn't too great, mind, but she was hardly under any pressure so it didn't matter. She's a very good and deserving champion, though - the final might have been easy, but on the way she faced off against people that it would have been reckoned could have taken the title or at least beaten her, and took them out with room to spare. When called upon to dig in, like with Venus' three break points or Kuznetsova's match point, she did. They cracked, she didn't, she wins.

TV-wise, Castle was a surprisingly bearable anchor. Both girls coped very well with getting hassled by Gene Wilder.

The look that says "The greatest moment of my life, and I get to share it with France's leading handball player. Hmm."

I don't care for Coria. Go Gaudio. I reckon he'll do it in four and make me happy.

Will the Eurosport commentators please shut up about the Henman match though.

On his first set point, Coria served what may have been his only fault. This is shit. Coria 6-0.

I am lovin' it like that, especially as they just apologised for the Henman chatter and have not mentioned him since! They probably got an irate email or several.

Coria leads 6-0 6-3 2-1...

Gaudio 0-6 3-6 6-4 0-1 Coria
Coria gets back on track with a love service game.

3-2 now.

Coria falters and it's sixes.

Coria couldn't serve out the match. Can he serve to stay in it?

In the worst way ever, but still! The Pimp has been denied!

Gaudio 0-6 3-6 6-4 6-1 8-6 in 3hr31.

My poor baby Guillermo :( He didn't choke... he was on the point of physical collapse throughout the last half of the match, and it was just extraordinary courage (and Gaudio's mental frailty) which got him as close as he did... Gaston Gaudio is possibly the luckiest Slam winner ever. Guillermo looked as if he was about to cry at the end :(

I hate the way that my Nastya will have to pose for photos with some fugly chancer who got lucky instead of a TRUE CHAMPION :( :(

I'm BITTER.

Roland Garros has certainly had more than its fair share of these sort of finals - Borg-Parun in '74, Lendl-McEnroe in '84, Agassi-Medvedev in '99; McEnroe, in my limited experience, was actually once the master of the whole misplace-the-genius-and-stop-competing* thing - Wembley final vs Connors in '81 (not even sitting down at the change of ends, but walking to the other end of the court and staring weirdly into space for 90 seconds), Aussie qf v Zivojinovic in '85, etc.

(* - OK, after seeing Lex's posts I'm prepared to concede that he was maybe more physically hindered tham I assumed; but loss of condition [if that's what it was rather than a strain] after playing just 16 sets en route to the final and leading 2-1 today after just 90-odd minutes? There has to be more to it.)

I'm glad that we saw a match (since the stratospheric heights of Goran'n'Pat at Wimb 2001 we've only one had men's GS final in 10 over three sets) and especially glad that its rather farcical extension meant live coverage on the Beeb after the interminable Whittaker Horsey Garbage threatened set to leave us with 15 mins of highlights.

Nice to see The Belgian Little And Large win the men's doubles; Olivier plays the straight man as Xavier lurches in dressed as Brel/Bertrand. When they hang their rackets up there's always panto.

Anyway. Roll of honour.

Men's singles: Gaston Gaudio
Women's singles: Anastasia Myskina
Men's doubles: Xavier Malisse and Olivier Rochus
Women's doubles: Virginia Ruano Pascual and Paola Suárez
Mixed doubles: Richard Gasquet and Tatiana Golovin
Boys' singles: Gael Monfils
Girls' singles: Sesil Karatancheva
Boys' doubles: Pablo Andujar and Marcel Granollers-Pujol
Girls' doubles: Katerina Bohmova and Michaella Krajicek

Yes, that's Michaella Krajicek as in Big Rich's half-sis.

Sesil Karatancheva is a feisty little thing... at the Indian Wells tournament in March, she played with the big girls and let's just say... she has a mouth on her, as shown by the press conference of the year.

I still don't know exactly what it was... there was suggestion that he'd strained a calf muscle, and he wasn't cramping up every point which would be normal for cramps... it just looked like he lost control of his legs completely. He couldn't push off to serve, he couldn't run, and at times he fell over the service line while preparing to serve without even realising. It got better in the fifth set, but not much.

Oh, well, I hope we see G'mo - mind and body repaired - on the grass during the rest of the month. This has somehow managed to be the lengthiest tennis thread ever (I was going to say 'most popular' but, y'know, it's mostly been the Musketeers [Edward O = Brugnon, btw]).

Au revoir.

Sesil did indeed get her ass kicked off by Shaz, though it went to three... other notable Sesil Sayings include "I'm nowhere near that bad" when faced with the inevitable Kournikova comparisons and, most recently after her Paris victory, "I am not going to shut up. I will say what I want to say. I'm fun to talk to and I will keep going."

She's the taller girl below.

http://www.novinite.com/media/images/2004-06/35495.jpg

ILM FRENCH OPEN 2004 PATENT DEMISTIFIER

SImply input your codified nickname of this choice to the page search in IE or Word or whatever and all should be revealed below:

The French Open - La Plume De Ma Tante Est Dans L'Abre Francaise Ouvrir Du Salle De Bains
Lawrie McMenemy - Lawrie McM
Serena Williams - Ser, Ree, The Incredible Hulk (Fuchsia Version), Williams Jr, The Fuchsia Hulk, Rena, Serene, Renes
Venus Williams - Ven, Vee, Shocking Blue, The Other One, Vene
Conchita Martinez - Conchie
Roger Federer - the Fed, Roger, Fedz, FedEx
Justine Henin-Hardenne - JHH, Just, HenHar, J-Hen, Justi, The Queen
Anastasia Myskina - Princess Anastasia, Mystikal, The Contessa Anastasia, Mysky, THE PRINCESS, Nasty, Myski, Nastya, :amplitude modulation:, Miss Skinny, Mysk, Fievel Myskowitz, Lady Miss Kina
Patty Schnyder - Batty Patty
Todd Martin - Dockstader, Mountain Man Martin, Toddpullel
Andy Roddick - Shandy, Roddy, Dickhead, Dick, Randy, Pandy, A-Rod, Sandy
Sandrine Testud - Test, the Test Tube
Lindsay Davenport - Dave N Port, Big Dave, Porter Stout
Tim Henman - Hennes, the Henperson, the Henbot, TH, Thimmy, Chicken-Legs, Timbelina, Man of Hen, Henmo, The Henblokey, Timbody, Henzuki, Timothy, Henners, Timmers, Timbot, Timid Timothy, Henbo, Little Timmy-Wimmy, Thimbo
Cyril Saulnier - Cy, CS Lewis, CS Gas
Andre Agassi - Agatha, AA, Mr Graf, Dr Dre
Greg Rusedski - Grinning Greg
Mark Phillipoussis - the Poo, Poup/Poop/Scud/etc, The Big Ouzo
Jerome Haehnel - Jerry, this Mr X
Vince Spadea - Shovelea, Nikita, Starry Starry Night, The Shovelman, Spadey
Florent Serra - Eric, GoldenEye, Penny, Ayrton
Amelie Mauresmo - La Mesmo, Mesmo, Resmo, La Fabuleuse, Amy, Beefy
Ludmila Cervanova - Server Nova
Magui Serna - Mar-Wee Serna, Nice Little Serna
Akiko Morigami - Mpaperfolding
Elena Dementieva - Demental, The Demented Diva, Ellie The Demented, Dementia, Menko, E-Dem, Iris, Ele, Extinction Level Event, Demented, Dr Elena Russell, Mentis, Dementor
Mervana Jugic-Salkic - DoubleIc, Ic-Ic
Lisa Raymond - Mona Lisa, Everybody Loves Raymond, Mondo Raymondo
Jelena Dokic - Dock Itch
Vera Zvonereva - Bepa, DoubleVera
Chanda Rubin - Chandra Levy
Arnaud Clement - La Frenais, Emma Freud's Dad, Arnie, Arnie Clem
Fabrice Santoro - Suntory, Benny Santini, Santa, Fab Fabrice, Fabric, Marathon Man, The Man Who Couldn't Be Arsed Going Home
Rainer Schuettler - Shuttle, Rainy
Xavier Malisse - Neptune, X-Man, Lisse, Xav-Xav, Xavy, That Belgian Guy, Dr X, Xav, Avier
Lleyton Hewitt - Lleyts, Growl, Chewitt, Llonelly Lleyt, The Llonely Boy, Ver Llout, Ffurious Bball Of Rruddy-Ffaced Hhate, Hewie Llewis, Lleytz, Llout, Lleyt, McMillianand, Bob
Arnaud di Pasquale - Squeak, Joe Pasq., the Squeaker
Tommy Haas - Daagen-Haas, the pinball wizard
Kristof Vliegen - the Maaseiker
David Nalbandian - Bandy, the Bandy Andean, Nalbo, Bandemonium, Nalbuphine, Nal, St Alban, Bandeon, :due north:
Mary Pierce - Mary Peters, Mary P, La Diva, Quite Contrary
Younes El Aynaoui - Younes
Daniela Hantuchova - Infinite Legz
Shinobu Asagoe - Asagoinggoinggone, Shinobu Dragon Ninja, Revenge Of Shinobu, Shin
Barbara Schett - Schitt
Klara Koukalova - K-Kou, Klara Kouk-A-Doodle-doesn't
Claudine Schaul - Clouds
Tzipora Obziler - Zippy Tzipi
Shenay Perry - She-Ra Perry
Martina Navratilova - the Nav, the Ageless One, the Ancient Wonder
Gisela Dulko - Gorgeous Gisela
Elena Likhovtseva - The Threshing Machine, The Boozehound
Alina Jidkova - Ali Najid
Jennifer Capriati - Ford Capri, JenFat, JenEvenMoreFat, JenRiati, Fatriati, Cappifer, J-Cap, The Sunshine Stater, JC, Jenria, Capri, JennyCat, Jen, Cap, Cappers, Crapriati, Jenti, Jandy Capp, Craprak
Yulia Beygelzimer - all-nite laser-discotheque bakery !Baygel Zimer!, the girl from the Uke, Bagel
Gaston Gaudio - Gaudy, the Galloping Gourmet, the Architecto, GG Allin, GG
Guillermo Canas - Castanet
Pete Sampras - Pistol
Mats Wilander - MW
Nadia Petrova - Nadia's Pet Rover, Pet
Yuliana Fedak - FedAk
Paradorn Srichaphan - Paradigm
Alex Corretja - the Correktja, 'etja
Lars Burgmuller - Burger Muller
Luis Horna - Lena Horna
Galo Blanco - DJ Porridge, HM Slade's oldest inmate
Anabel Medina Garrigues - Funky Cold Medina
Tathiana Garbin - Tax, Tax Breaks
Olivier Mutis - O I Must, O I Can't, The Man from Metz, Mut, Larry, Olly, Moo Tea, Mutey, Os Mutantes, Mu-Mu, Ollyollyolly, Mutya
Maria Sharapova - Shari-La, Shaz, The Future Of The Women's Game, The Future, Shap, Sharap, Shari, Masha, Ave Maria
Fernando Vicente - Gil Vicente
Irakli Labadze - Georgia Porgia
Michael Llodra - Llodratron, Metal Mickey, Llods
Nicolas Massu - Busty Chilean Massu (New In Town)
Vladimir Voltchkov - Wor Vlad
Julien Jeanpierre - Julie & Jean-Pierre
Meghann Shaughnessy - The Redemption Kid
Vera Douchevina - The Douchebag
Dinara Safina - Little Miss Marat
Marissa Irvin - Missy Irvin
Magdalena Maleeva - Maggie M, Maggie, The Magster, Milk-Snatcher
Albert Costa - Costa del Bert, Costa Brava, Bert, the Dirty Old Man, Alby, Cosworth Power, Costa Brava
Nicolas Kiefer - Sutherland, Keef
Ai Sugiyama - Boom Crash Sugiyami
Patty Schnyder - Batty Patty
Kim Clijsters - Mrs Llonely Boy
Potito Starace - Spud-U-Like, the Star Ace, General Kettle, Our Stacey, Wedges, Mister Potito Head, Starjumps, The Potito Man, Old Chipolata
Sebastien Grosjean - Seb, Big John
Juan-Carlos Ferrero - JC
Maria Kirilenko - Kirikirilenko
Thomas Enqvist - Tommy E
Jonas Bjorkman - Vespertine Man
Conchita Martinez - Cowchita Mootinez
Juan Ignacio Chela - 'ela, Heyla Chela, Iggy, Hey-Ya, J-Ig
Marlene Weingartner - Marlene on the Wall, Marley Marl, I Never Promised You A Wine Garden, Wine Bar
Guillermo Coria - Wee Willie, G'mo, The Pimp
Mario Ancic - SuperMario
Myriam Casanova - The World's Greatest Lover
John van Lottum - JVL Multitool
Anna Smashnova-Pistolesi - The Smash Pistol
Gustavo Kuerten - Guga, Kuert, Final Kuerten, Gusty, Tavo, Chesterton, Gugz, Curtain
Elena Bovina - The Bovine One
Martin Verkerk - Captain Verkerk, Ver Kerk, Best Loser
Igor Andreev- Handy Andy, Dreeeev
Julien Benneteau - JJ Bendytoes
Hyung-Taik Lee - Half-Decent Lee
Marat Safin - Saffy, Saffron, Jean-Paul, Maratski, Saffo, Saffie
Stefan Koubek - Kouhoutek
Franchesca Schiavone - Frankee, Sheer Voney, FranSchi, The Greatest Tennis Player In The History Of WCW
Fabiola Zuluaga - Fabulous Fabi, Fabby-O-La, Fabs, Fabz, Bantustove, Zulu
John McEnroe - JPMc, The Dubenroe, Mac
Jie Zheng - Zheng-A-Leng, JieJie
Svetlana Kuznetsova - Svet's Life, Kiss Kiss, Sweaty Couscous, Couscous
Paola Suarez - Crisis, THE DARK HORSE, Suari, Kelly "Pao-Pao! Pao-Pao!" Marie, Paolita, Francisco, 'Ola
Nicolas Escude - Scu
Tommy Robredo - Robbo, TomRob
Feliciano Lopez - Lici
Carlos Moya - Jackal
Roberta Vinci - Veni Vidi Vinci
Olivier Rochus - Rochus Superior

UNKNOWN - Sears-Roebuck, Thamble (poss. Radek Stepanek & Vladimir Voltchkov)

Also: those discounted boozy Russians was the doubles team featuring Likhotseva (I obviously love this joke and will make it forever).

But, still, a staggering effort. Well done, WBS! I actually thought we'd reined in the nicknaming a bit this year, but...no.

I am sensing a Wimbledon FAP might be an idea.

Awesome glossary action... and a Wimbledon FAP sounds like a good idea if it's possible at all. I'm still not sure when I'll be up in London... I'm thinking of going on the first Tuesday (queuing for ground pass), though I have yet to ask various people if I can crash on their floors on Monday.

Coria was 2-0 up. He should've won the third set I'm afraid. But gaudio has come back in matches throughout the tournament and he really deserves it.

Wimbledon FAP would be nice, I've never been as I'm usually just stuck in front of the telly for two weeks. Hope to make it if anything happens.

No redemption for Coria - banned for doping offences in 2001-2 (though his defence was the same as Rusedski's), his body seemed to fall apart under pressure.

sorry what I meant by that is I'm usually an armchair fan but if there's anything and I can turn up then I'll try (how do people find the queuing, is the second week at evening time any easier?).

Ivan Lendl: Sandshoe Face I
Andy Roddick: Sandshoe Face II

Thanks everybody and see you at Wimbledon.

Ground entry in week 2 is easier (and cheaper) but you'll only see doubles, veterans and juniors unless you fancy requeueing for the unreserved seating on courts 3 and 18 (the less glamorous 4th round singles on the 2nd Monday).

The advantage to this is spotting all the super-talented juniors two years in advance, then being really smug when the rest of the world cottons on.

I'll be queuing from about 8am for a ground pass... it's probably the last year I'll be able to go all day, got to make the most of it.

Bragging rights? I know, I always used to stare in disbelief at folks queueing AGAIN for CC and #1 returns after spending hours shuffling along the pavement just to get in the place when - right there for free - they could see Andres Gomez or Cedric Pioline or Natalia Zvereva or whoever. BUT, the day I did it in 2000 it had been on-off drizzling for a couple of hours and only the showcourts looked likely to get back on before dusk - so for £3 I got to see the end of Enqvist-Damm on Centre.

-> I love how the French papers didn't even mention their names assuming the French *fwogs* would win. HAH! (That said: I'm not that fond of Malisse.)

1. Federer
2. Roddick
3. Coria
4. Nalbandian (up 4)
5. Henman (up 4)
6. Ferrero (down 2)
7. Moya (down 2)
8. Schuettler (down 1)
9. Agassi (down 3)
10. Gaudio (up 34)
11. Hewitt (up 1)
12. Massu (down 1)
13. Grosjean (down 3)
14. Srichaphan (down 1)
15. Safin (up 5)
16. Schalken (down 1)
17. Philippoussis (up 1)
18. Chela (up 5)
19. Novak (down 5)
20. Pavel (up 2)

Other movers and shakers: Kuerten is up from 30 to 24; Verkerk drops from 19 to 55; Costa also plummets and Llodra climbs. Oh, look, I've just broken their database server.

1. Henin-Hardenne
2. Clijsters
3. Myskina (up two)
4. Mauresmo (down one)
5. Davenport (down one)
6. Dementieva (up four)
7. Capriati (down one)
8. Williams, V (up one)
9. Suárez (up five)
10. Kuznetsova (up one)
11. Williams, S (down four)
12. Petrova (down four)
13. Sugiyama (down one)
14. Zvonareva (down one)
15. Sharapova (up five)
16. Farina Elia
17. Smashnova-Pistolesi (up one)
18. Rubin (down three)
19. Schiavone
20. Schnyder (down three)

....

=993. Navratilova, M (new entry)

(M-Nav shares the No 993 rank with (drum roll) Ana Abramovic, Essi Laine, Adriana Mingireanu, Raluca-Ioana Olaru and Florencia Rivolta. Back among tennis's best, clearly.)

But it was a good day for shocks - Strapping Aussie Wayne Arthurs straight setted by Non-Strapping Non-Aussie Yen-Hsun Lu, Brit wildcard Jon Marray gets rid of Rochus Inferior, Toddly Reid didn't lose, but, best of all:

Taylor Dent lost to Jamie Delgado.

In order:

Ivo Karlovic
Jan-Michael Gambill
Wayne Arthurs
Yen-Hsun Lu
Jonathan Marray
Christophe Rochus
Todd Reid
Taylor Dent
Jamie Delgado

So I will lurk once more, just pausing long enough to ask why no-one has used Biff Bang Paola! as a nickname yet. I like making these up but lack the nerve to use them in a tennis related post. Possibly because I stopped religiously watching tennis at the tail end of the magnificent Swedish triumvirate (Edberg, Wilander, Jarryd).

And I would second what Cozen said about Mike's article in Papercuts. It's grebt, and then some. Specifically because it's what I thought about tennis back then, but written by someone who could articulate it.

Much like this thread is now.