Alternate endings to classic jokes

-Jamaica

No, Saint Lucia

just plain with sugar.

A: It didn't. It was being slaughtered after living a miserable 'life' in a small cage.

[I'm enjoying this. can you tell?]

A horribly maimed zebra.

And the classic, there was this englishman, this irishman, and this paki sitting in a bar... what a marvellous example of multiculturalism.

Peter.

Neither have done anything to help the West Bank crisis.

Tech Support: You coffee cup holder? This is Tech Support!

Caller: I do apologise, I appear to have dialled the wrong number.

Very rub.

Rubber.

(See? The animal doesn't have to suffer!)

[(c) Paul Merton, circa 1988]

[sorry, i seem to have mutated the thread into non-jokes, rather than common-sense endings to jokes]

What's big, red and eats rocks? No animal exists that fits this description.

What's pink and hard in the morning? A penis.

Mutilated Zebra my arse.

If jokes were footballing nations, it would definitely be er.......a good team. There's noone safe to say in this, "the most exciting World Cup in years".

A. a deer with no eyes.

Possessed of extremely good balance.

Who's there?

Interrupting Sheep.

Interrupting Sheep Wh.........BAA!

Do you see?

Two nuns in the bath... one nun says to the other nun "Where's the soap". The other one says "It's by your elbow".

My wife went to the West Indies.

Jamaica?

Nobody's Fault But Mine.

[not a sensible answer, but still worth a re-post here i feel]

At about ten in the morning. His appointment was for 9:45 but the dentist was delayed.

Who's there?

A man with no arms!

What are you knocking with then?

Wouldn't you like to know!

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Unfortunate.

Jakarta?

Yes, she's having a wonderful time, I got a postcard this morning, look at the interesting stamp.

Al Jazeera?

No, I'm deaf.

Hmm, I think I should refer you to a psychologist.

I'm a newsagent not a doctor!

Steve

In serious danger of drowning. Someone should call the lifeguard immediately. or Steve.

Because he's a destructive little sod, that's why. Now, in my day kids were well-behaved, spoke only when they were spoken to, etc. etc.

Oh Christ that's disgusting, look at the gaping mess where your dog's face used to be. Anyone with half an ounce of sense would run like the wind from that blood-faced freak. God that's horrible.

This is due to a rare solar phenomenom, whereby at sunset on a partly clouldy day a beach will take on a rosey glow, leading to tales of a beach blushing.

who's there?

Amos.

Amos who?

Amos your boyfriend you idiot, let me in, i've forgotten my keys!

I'm assuming you have bought along a large supply of food - otherwise sustinence is often hard to come by in the infertile sandy terrain.

btw this thread is BEST THREAD EVER!

Claire

knock knock
who's there?
irish stew
irish stew who?
thats my full name. i have wierd parents.

well, dead quite probably or at the very least severely brain-damaged!

A: Because they match the rest of the outfit.

Q: Is your refrigerator running?

A: No, the power went out this morning.

Q: What time is it when your clock strikes thirteen?

A: Thirteen o'clock obviously, dumbass.

Man, this thread could go on for years.

A strange turn of events

just by my foot

shake it

what do you call a dog owned by dracula

fido

what does paul inces mum make for christmas

turkey - with all the trimmings, its what paul likes. (the punch line is Ince pies - but i dont know what an ince is and how it would taste)

Well, they were based in France, of course, but in pursuit of Empire at various times they occupied or fought in Italy, Germany, Spain, Holland, Austria and even Egypt.

After spending years living away from the mainstream, ashamed of his disability and unable to lift the heavier boxes of washing powder in sainsburys, he decided that he shouldn't hide away because, hey, he's human too, and they sell those handy small pack of Ariel now. He crossed the road to reach the supermarket, and unwittingly to get run over by some drugged up carnival workers drunk on vodka and imitation red bull.

A man who has been unfortunately paralysed following a canoeing accident.

(real answer = "a comb", just for the record)

A visit from the RSPCA who will imply you were stunning the rabbits to use them for your sexual games... resulting in a criminal conviction.

"Well" says the doctor "It's obvious that you have a fetishistic desire to expose yourself in public, let me refer you to a psychiatrist"

Anything black, as black contains all the colours in the spectrum.

I refuse to answer this specious question. It is structured and not freeform and is therefore worthless. Was it blowing a sopranino bullroarer on its way across, to be met by the plangent arco bass of William Parker, shortly to be joined by Tristan Honsinger's mercurial cello?

This joke is overly facetious. Do not furnish me with levity without proper proof of its purpose.

Pete walked into the room. Pete pulled his trigger. Pete split all their skulls. Pete played dominoes with their teeth.

Tom: Is it asnotic?

It's really not appropriate to joke about it. It was a terrible tragedy. Hundreds of people died, many of them children.

- come in.

(maybe that one's been done already - haven't read the whole thread).

p - "dear God"
d - "i'm so sorry"

Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
A: Fortunately, he was living in his van at the time.

Okay, that's not very funny, but you see where I'm going with this.

A woman goes to the grocery store, picks up some items, and goes to the register to make her purchases. She buys one TV dinner, one can of soda, one candy bar, and a pint of ice cream. As the cashier scans the groceries, he remarks "you must be single!". The woman asks him how he knew. The cashier replies, "well, you are clearly only purchasing groceries for one individual; I assume that if you were in a relationship you would have adjusted your grocery shopping to include purchasing items for your partner".

David Beckham is rummaging through his Xmas presents when he finds a curiously-shaped flask. He goes to Posh and asks her "What's this?" She says, "It's a Thermos flask, I got it for you to take to training. It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot."

David agrees that this would be a very useful addition to his kit, and duly takes it to training the next day. "What's that, David?" asks his coach. "You've never brought one of those in before."

"It's a Thermos flask, boss", he replies. "It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot."

"So what have you got in there?"

"Oh, some coffee."

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender immediately gets rid of it.

what are the original punchlines to those three jokes?

why did the chicken cross the road?

food probably, i don't know, i am not a fucking ornithologist you cock

my one was "two cups of coffee and a choc-ice"

that took me a few seconds

A man encounters a pirate, from whose open fly a steering wheel is protruding. "Excuse me," the man says, "you've a steering wheel protruding from your open fly." The pirate looks down and exclaims in surprise, "So I have! How curious!" Each goes on his own way.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender immediately gets rid of it.

-- musically, Thursday, January 10, 2008 10:26 PM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

ha

original punchlines to mine:

a) the cashier replies, "because you're ugly".
b) the bartender exclaims, "we have a drink named after you!". The grasshopper says, "what, Brandon?"

There was an Englishman. There was a Scotsman. There was an Irishman.

Pete walked into the room. Pete pulled his trigger. Pete split all their skulls. Pete played dominoes with their teeth.

-- James Ellrox for legal reasons, Monday, 17 June 2002 00:00 (5 years ago) Bookmark Link

wau

i can see that as an achewood strip, actually

i blew a friends' mind recently by pronouncing that comic's name like "ake-wood" because he always said "ash-wood" like jordache jeans

another friend thought it was "jord-ake" jeans because they made your jord ache

Why can't Stevie Wonder read?
Because he is blind.

How do you make a dead baby float?

Well, there would be a number of ways to lend it buoyancy, but that question is cruel and inappropriate at best.

What's the difference between Maddy McCann and jokes about Maddy McCann?

One is a missing girl, the other is a set of jokes.

Why did Bill Clinton give up playing the saxophone?

He still does it as an occasional pastime, but lately he has been dedicating great amounts of his time to the presidential campaign of his wife, Hilary, which is now in the starting stages of primary elections and caucuses. Since playing the saxophone on a late night talk show would not lend his wife the same cachet as it did in 1991 when he played it on the Arsenio Hall show to boost his public image before the elections, he has not played it in quite some time, though it waits for him in its case with a fresh set of reeds.

(Original answer: 'he was playing the whore-monica')

It's Saturday night and Superman is especially ready to party after a hard week of saving the world. So he throws on his cape and heads off to a party. Along the way, he passes Wonder Woman's penthouse suite. To his surprise, he sees through her open window that she is still at home, naked in her bed, lying on her back. Superman thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have sex with her and be gone before she knows it." So in an instant, Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies back out. At this point, Wonder Woman sits up and says, "Did you hear something?" "Yes," replies the Invisible Man, "there is something seriously wrong with that Superman".

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Boo the ghost of your dead father.

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach?
"Excuse me, may I have your autograph?"

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk are sitting in a bar. This is strange as none of them are allowed to drink alcohol.

There where three men driving down a road, all of them were tired and each of their destinations were still miles away. So all of them stop at a farmer's house and ask if they could spend the night. The farmer had a very beautfiul daughter who was still a virgin, and the farmer wanted to keep it that way. Because he was afraid that the three men would pop his daughter, he stuck razor blades up her vagina.

So the next morning, he would find out who tried to screw his virgin daughter. So at breakfast the next morning, he asked all the guys to drop their pants. The first man drops his pants and his penis falls off. The second man does the same and his penis falls off.

The third man drops his pants and his penis doesn't fall off. The farmer doesn't have to ask why though because he is bleeding profusely from the mouth.

dude priests can drink

boy can they drink

Oh right.

Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because she was trying to understand something on the label.

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she stops moving.

How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
Call the fire department and have them climb up a ladder and bring him down from there. Then probably ask how and why he was in a tree to begin with, what with the one arm and all.

A man went into a pub with a box under his arm. He approached the bar and said to the landlord "I'm sorry, mate, I haven't got any money on me, but I've got something amazing in this box. If I show it to you, will you give me a pint?". "Well, it better be really amazing," the landlord replies. The bloke opens up the box to reveal a tiny man, exactly one foot high, sat playing some highly intricate music on a miniature grand piano. "That's fucking incredible," says the landlord, "let me buy you a drink."

So he gives him a pint and they get talking. The landlord asks him how he came by this miniature pianist and the man tells him that a genie granted his wish. He produces an old lamp from his pocket and says "rub this and whisper your wish into the lamp and you'll get what you desire, too." So the landlord takes the lamp, rubs it, whispers inside and suddenly the pub is filled with a million ducks. "Brilliant," says the landlord, "that's exactly what I wanted." "Yep, me too," replies the man, "I'm certainly delighted to have this one-foot-tall piano player."

*applause*

Q: How does a bogan turn on the light during sex?
A: Gets up, operates light switch

So there's this penguin driving through Death Valley and it's a really hot day - and that's bad news for a penguin. So, the penguin is driving and saying "sheesh" a lot and wiping his brow with his flipper when the car starts acting up! Bumpity bumpity bump... "Oh great," thinks the penguin.

To his relief, there is a service station not too far ahead. He drives in, parks his car, hops out, and waddles over to the mechanic. "Can you have a look at my car, mac?" asks the penguin. "It's making a funny noise." "Sure," says the mechanic. "Sheesh," thinks the penguin. "It's so hot! I think I'll go inside to keep cool for a while."

So he waddles over and goes inside. He mooches around, flicking through magazines, killing time. He decides he'll buy an ice cream to help him cool down. Then he goes back outside to assess the car. "Sheesh," he says as he waddles back over the tarmac. "It's really hot." He's making a real mess of the ice cream, on account of it being so hot and him being a penguin and only being able to hold it with his flipper. He spills more of it on himself than he gets inside his mouth.

He makes his way back to the car and comes up to the mechanic who's leaning over the engine and frowning. The mechanic looks up at him and says, "Hmm, it looks like your catalytic converter has failed." "Aw geez," says the penguin, "I just had the damn thing replaced about a year ago."

What's yellow and dangerous?

Mustard gas

patient - "give me the good news first!"
doctor - "you've got AIDS."
p - "oh, no! what could be worse than that?"
d - "you've also got Alzheimer's Disease."

p - "dear God"
d - "i'm so sorry"

-- non-u, Tuesday, 20 April 2004 20:14 (3 years ago) Link

hahaahahaha

surprisingly hilarious thread

I just flew in from Dallas and BOY... was the food bad on that plane. I mean it was really bad. Digusting.

An Englishman, An Irishman and A Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Scotsman purchased his Irish friend (a recovering alcoholic) an orange juice as thanks for assisting him in a small duty at work.

Why are there no good jokes about Jonestown?

It's really not appropriate to joke about it. It was a terrible tragedy. Hundreds of people died, many of them children.

-- felicity (felicity), Tuesday, February 11, 2003 1:05 AM (4 years ago) Bookmark Link

hahaaa i remember stealing this as a party joke back in the day

things stolen from ilx that have probably got me laid, part 376

What did the Blonde say to the doctor?

"I've been having serious thoughts about suicide."

A bear walks into a bar. The staff and patrons panic and dive for cover under the tables. After ten minutes a team from the zoo show up and shoot it with a powerfull tranquilizer.

What's brown and sticky? Faeces.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You should get his name and report him to the main office, that was incredibly unkind and unprofessional of him.”

The jokes above remind me of these German jokes
http://www.anenglishmanscastle.com/archives/000463.html

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.'

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

these jokes are my favorites anywhere, they make me laugh way harder than real jokes

love the german jokes

How do you get four elephants in a mini?
- oh for god's sake

― Alan Trewartha, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (7 years ago)

but this is v good too

What do you get if you pour boiling water into a rabbit hole?

A visit from the RSPCA who will imply you were stunning the rabbits to use them for your sexual games... resulting in a criminal conviction.

― le gimp premiere, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (7 years ago) Bookmark

loooooooooooooooool at the timing and cadence of this

'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'

this is my default line for greeting someone I don't know

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

^_^

*knock knock*
who's there?
philip.
just a minute, i'm not wearing pants right now.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

― it's an old pantyhound, that's who (Jesse), Tuesday, April 6, 2010 2:12 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

LOL

q: what's brown and rhymes with snoop?

a: poop

What's the difference between a duck?

The difference between a duck and what? Your question is poorly framed.

"Knock knock"

"That sounds nothing like an actual knock at the door"

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

I don't even know where to begin explaining how that would not be possible.

Once there was a snail who was tired of being slow. He went out and bought a really fast sports car and had the dealer paint a big 'S' on each side of it.

Whenever someone saw him zooming past in his new car, they would say, "Hey, look at Samuel go!"

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I hovered."

Once upon a time, a young man went to the circus. He was very excited, as he lived in western Manitoba and had never seen a circus before; the kind of town where you shave and the trolly stops. Anyway, as circus days drew nigh, the young man grew ever more excited. He arrived before dawn to get the best seat in the house, and was seated hours before the first trapeze act.

Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:

"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"

The young man looked at his ticket, and to his surprise, he was sitting in that very seat. The young man stood up.

Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"

The man, dumbfounded, stood for a moment, then made his way quickly through crowd and out of the tent. Returning home, the man wept for days, and mourned the loss of dignity and honor. Eventually reason overcame his grief and the man grew determined. "I'm not going to get mad, I'm going to get even, and avenge the honor of myself, my family, and this town," exclaimed the man. He picked up the curriculum guide for the University of Nevada at Las Vegas (UNLV) correspondence courses and started to read.

Eventually his eyes came to rest on an advert for a class in "Quick Wit Retort." "Learn how to use those snappy comebacks to your advantage, now!" So the man sent in his $19.95 and soon received the course materials. In a few weeks, the man mastered the materials, and sent the final back to UNLV.

Much to his surprise, a registered letter arrived from the president of UNLV. It read:

Dear Sir: We are utterly flabbergasted at your performance in Quick Wit Retort 101. We would be most gratified if you could come to UNLV to complete your degree with our fine academic institution. Here's a check to cover your expenses.

To make a long story short , the man made straight A's in the QWR program. He was awarded numerous distinctions, and when he graduated, the graduation speaker Ed Meese awarded the man the Presidential Medal of Outstanding Quick Wit Retort, signed by Ronnie himself!

Some days afterward, Harvard University sent a lear-jet to pick the man up for an interview. The graduate admissions officer didn't mince words. "If you complete our masters/doctoral tenured track program in QWR, you will never have to worry about money again," said he. Needless to say, the man promptly moved to Cambridge.

In 5 years, the man had finished his doctorate. By this time, the man was known throughout the world as the leading expert in Quick Wit Retort. Word had even reached western Manitoba, which made his mother very proud. Everyone from Pentagon pundits to Beltway bandits consulted the man on technical questions of QWR.

One day, while sitting at his desk reading his hometown newspaper, the man noticed that the circus was coming to his hometown again. An evil smile crossed the man's face. "Siegfried," cried the man to his assistant, "We must be away to Manitoba. Ready the jet!" As the plane crossed the downlands of Michigan, the man savored the moment of victory that was to be his.

The man arrived at the circus tent very early, making sure to get the seat in section A, row Y, seat 42.

Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:

"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"

The man glanced at his ticket. This time he was ready.

Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"

The man rose to his feet, full of confidence. He thrust out his chest and said in the loudest voice you can imagine:

YOUR MEAN-SPIRITED, CRASS REMARKS ARE WHOLLY OUT OF PLACE IN WHAT SHOULD BE A LIGHTHEARTED, FAMILY-FRIENDLY PERFORMANCE!!! MAY I PLEASE HAVE A WORD YOUR SUPERVISOR?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender: "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'', weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5'' pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind guy says: "No, I suppose that would be unwise".

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I hovered."

this could sell 10000000 x t-shirts imo

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Strange, but good at balancing things.

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Orange

What's white and slithers across the dancefloor?
Peter Stringfellow

Q: What does Batman do in the bathroom?

A: A few crossword puzzles, and sometimes reads the funnies, and always wipes back to front

will still rep for 'hovered' tbh

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and says, “Hey, what's in the bag?”

So, the man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, all of about maybe 12 inches tall, and he sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano. Then he reaches into the bag pulls out a tiny piano bench.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get that?", the bartender asks.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag and pulling out what looks like a little genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a puff of smoke and a genie magically appears and says, "I will grant you one wish, just one."

The bartender gets really excited, and without hesitating, he says, "I wish I had a million bucks !"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar, and then another duck, and then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little hard of hearing. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

To which the man answers "You're right, he should really get that checked out"

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

John Hodgeman's "Joke's That Have Never Produced Laughter" segment from Areas Of My Expertise. This.

best joke itt is whoever managed to screw up the settings so everything is italicized

[/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i]

I like my coffee like I like my women. Without a penis.

Damn... all those tags couldn't remove the italics? Bummer.

We have to go deeper.

ITALICEPTION

>>foghorn sound<<

how do you titillate an ocelot?
you stimulate its g-spot a lot

what goes 'aaaa aaaaa aaaaa'

an extremely distressed child

Prank call edition:

* ring ring *
Caller: Is the refrigerator running?
Unsuspecting Dupe: Uh... yes?
Caller: Oh. You must not be a Bears fan, because William Perry suffers from Guillain–Barré syndrome and probably isn't running anywhere, you insensitive clod.
* hang up *

what's red and invisible

infra red light

Q: What's yellow and dangerous?
A: Mustard Gas

"Knock knock"

"I'm sorry, who are you disparaging? I wasn't listening."

Q: How many kangaroos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. It'd have to be a very large lightbulb though.

A horse walks into a bar. The barman shoos it out and tells its rider animals are not allowed in the bar, except guide dogs.

A man sees another man with a banana sticking out of his ear. He informs him, "Excuse me, but did you know you have a banana in your ear?" The other man replies, "I'm sorry but I can't hear you - I attended a My Bloody Valentine show and couldn't wear earplugs because of the banana in my ear."

https://twitter.com/#!/AntiJokeCat

Anti-Joke Cat‏@AntiJokeCat

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

fail: joke.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Odd question in terms of intentionality, does a chicken have any conception of 'road'.

When you're sliding into first, and you feel something burst...

God is dead.

'How do I get to Carnegie hall"
"Lady, go up 5th avenue, take a left at 57th street, down two blocks and there you are"

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 had strong romantic feelings for 7 but subconsciously wondered if he wasn't good enough for her and how he could make the relationship work on his salary and how her kids from a previous relationship would receive him

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

An elephant with a chronic case of diarrhea, and also it's part rhino.

A man walks in the park and sees another man with a dog sitting on a bench. "Does your dog bite?", asks the first man. "No" The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angrily.

The second man replied - "Aye, normally he doesn't, but you're an annoying cunt"

Did you hear about the guy who stole all of the toilets from the police station?

Yeah, that sucks