emotional tmi

hello

i have realized recently that, for the most part, showing my emotions is something i do not do. i do not talk to people about them, i do my best to distract myself from them, i do not relish long personal conversations during which i open up about things.

it has come to my attention that maybe this is not doing me any favors.

even posting this feels like way excessive emotional tmi.

help?

it's easy to feel self indulgent talking about emotions, but it is very healthy to talk about them

i had this problem for a while so instead i decided to stop having emotions, id say im happier now but, y'know

does it have to do with how you perceive yourself - e.g. "i am not that type of person" - or how you think that the other person/people would perceive you?

as someone who kept his emotions to himself for 25 years, i can say without a doubt that being able to be open and honest about my feelings has been the single most positive change i've made in my life

letting it ALL spill and placing emotional burdens on friends is NAGL, imo, but being able to share how yr feeling and sharing common experience is something that we all need to do as human beanz

lol NAGL

hello

i have realized recently that, for the most part, showing my emotions is something i do not do. i do not talk to people about them, i do my best to distract myself from them, i do not relish long personal conversations during which i open up about things.

it has come to my attention that maybe this is not doing me any favors.

even posting this feels like way excessive emotional tmi.

help?

― ergonomically chromium plated fish slice (La Lechera), Tuesday, December 28, 2010 7:06 PM (5 minutes ago) Bookmark

move to england

hahaha otm

it was only recently when someone suggested jokingly that a christmas movie was so moving that it would melt my heart of ice that i thought, wow, maybe people think that i'm cold

i just want to be a warmer person, i guess, and i want to be comfortable behaving warmly.

at the moment? not comfortable for me at all. i regretted starting this thread about 100 before you posted. it has occurred to me that moving to england would suit me, but probably not be all that great in the long run. i don't really want to be this way.

in fact, in my head i am not this way
outwardly though, yes i am this way

(this way = unemotional save the occasional outburst of rage)

how does one go about changing this

tell the robot

Awww Amanda, I'm sorry. I don't really have any great advice because, to be honest, I probably have the opposite to this problem. Like, I'm not generally an emotional mess or anything but I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and talking about my feelings to the people involved and/or close friends is something I'm comfortable with. Maybe Dave has some advice on how he managed to open up.

my parents have always had a really hard time talking about their emotions and it really freaks me out, tbh. it's like .... they're pretty awkward around intimacy or feeling.

meanwhile i like routinely cry during country songs

when someone makes me angry I just close up shop, 'cause I know I'll be the one who ends up crying. :\

you post on a messageboard called I Love Music, so i'm going to assume that you have a substantial emotional connection to music like the rest of us. you have emotions, so maybe try cracking em open by exploring why you like the songs you like

one eye opening experience during my emotional 'coming out' was noticing that a slight voice cracking in kate bush's 'the coral room' was almost moving me to tears. i was just like, wtf why is something so small able to elicit such as strong emotional reaction in me? at that point i became fascinated with my emotions cuz its some powerful shit

xp - it's easier when something completely horrible happens that you'd be expected to have intense feelings about, like a break-up, the death of a close friend or family member

Try being over-emotional very occasionally first, about something essentially trivial. The effect will probably be comic, and rather like Basil Fawlty, but you might find it liberating and be able to carry it over into other realms afterwards.

Warning: you will probably find expressing emotion to be very tiring/draining.

surm - i cry during country songs too -- i cry all the time during songs! -- i just don't talk about my feelings or express them to people

yeah, i have that experience all the time wrt music
that is a good point

these are really good tips

for better or worse, ilx actually helped me in this regard - because for me, it was mainly "i'm not the type of person that is emotionally vulnerable" - but on a message board where most everyone doesn't know who i am, i could experiment with being a different type of person, and then it was just a matter of transferring the online to the IRL

last time i really got weepy was when watching the wedding scene during the muppets take manhattan
so i do not actually have a heart of ice

i just seem like i do

sarahel that is another good piece of advice, ty

omg wedding scene love u

also "i hope you dance" just came on the radio, Lechera

this one always gets me

i mean, i was sobbing
it was so beautiful

aw surm, that one gets me too

i guess maybe i just need to practice talking about these things

(not my crying - the muppets singing "she makes him happy" about piggy and kermie. the love in that room omg!)

:) :D see ur already doing it!

always introduce yourself as a poet and then whatever you say is emotional

also i'd say forget the whole 'sharing emotions with others' for now, step one is accepting and being comfortable with your emotions in your own skin

i regretted posting that :-/

being repressed really sucks

also learn
to just type,
your posts
like
this
:

people really like to see u more open, i think -- holding too much back does not always come off as approachable

but i think dave is kinda right -- like being comfortable is important, a lot of people get uncomfortable when faced with someone who seems uncomfortable or out of control

you're right about feeling comfortable inside first

every time i even start to feel a repressed emotion, i feel really taken off guard. like the other day i was walking to the produce market and listening to music and my ipod shuffle (that i usually use for running) played the bangles' version of "hazy shade of winter" and then hole's "malibu" and i felt like the world was telling me that i was falling apart. and i thought, am i falling apart? and then i was like WOW this is not what i need on the way to the goddamned grocery store. after that it played bohannon and i felt better.

i know this will be tiring. i just never...i dunno, i have never embarked on a personal emotional journey before.

also i have been called standoffish like i don't know how many times in my life

i guess a little public cry for help will be what i need in the new year. i just figured that ilx is the sort of place where there might be others who have experienced this. i can't really, um, talk to anyone about it y'know

i have broken down in tears at the grocery store before -- like tears of sad, though i also had a tearful Daisy Buchanan moment in the presence of the most beautiful, delicious-looking pastries that I couldn't afford

oh yeah, i've cried in public
but that's pretty easy -- i can cry to myself. it feels pretty natural and nonproblematic to me, tbh.
it's talking about what's making me cry that i don't generally do. that's also what makes me uncomfortable.

but sometimes it's funny - like it can be vulnerable and also funny, which makes me feel less vulnerable talking about it - like crying in the whole foods dairy aisle because Inna-gadda-da-vida came over the store P.A. - i mean, there are plenty of songs that make people cry, but "Inna-gadda-da-vida" is not known to have that effect.

did you talk to anyone in the grocery store during your iron butterfly moment?

i can also see how that might be awkward, esp in the dairy aisle

repressed emotions also have this nasty property of becoming amplified every time you put off 'dealing with them'.

it's like, one thing thing in general that causes me anxiety is the feeling of being 'out of control' of situations and things. thats kinda what scared me away from my emotions cuz they really dont live in the world of rationality and logic (those being my most effective tools for feeling 'in control').

so each time a repressed emotion or something would flare up, it would be more intense than the last, reinforcing my fear of emotions being something i cant be in control of and therefore fear and anxiety.

a turning point for me was realizing that by dealing with emotions as they appeared, feeling them and being with them, i was able to feel a sense of control over them and not let them get out of control in the future. the worst thing they can do to you is make you feel uncomfortable for a couple minutes/hours/days

my interpretation of emotions is that they are simply messages from our brain and it makes sense to listen to them and figure out what's causing them. i mean, when youre mad, there's probably a good reason why. when youre sad, there's probably a good reason why. etc..

apologies for rambling, this has been a huge thing in my life for the past 6months so i get excited talking about it :X

i've got a pretty similar problem. i get angry pretty good. and sad. positive emotions i have a very hard time expressing. it certainly did not help my last relationship in the least. i remember i was leaving town for a bit with my ex (gf at the time) and she was telling everyone at her work and even the animals she loved them all, going around to each and every one. i remember thinking "i don't even tell my mom that". i've only recently even been able to write it in cards etc.
it's weird and unhealthy i guess. i've no idea why i'm like this.

wow alot of xposts

i ran into a girlfriend of mine right after it, and told her about it -- i think i actually posted about this incident on 77.

But one thing that helped me, that maybe could be applied more generally - is framing the vulnerability in a comfortable way - that is more consistent with how you perceive yourself or the way you tend to relate to people. Like, the post upthread that suggested talking about emotional responses to music. I framed the experience as a "funny story" because me and my friends regularly tell each other "funny stories". Or, if you are the type of person that is really into science, it can be presented/framed in that way -- like emotions are neurological messages from the brain, etc.

Amanda, i identify with this to an uncomfortable degree, but i just wanted to say, you don't come off as a cold person at all! you come off as really warm and caring! imo other people perceiving you as cold should not be what you're concerned about; you should just be concerned about the degree to which not talking about this stuff is making your life difficult. <3 okay now i will finish reading the thread.

aw thanks

to ddave - don't apologize -- i appreciate knowing these things and the fact that you shared them

i once wrote an emotionally effusive letter to shirley collins and sort of regretted it because i was afraid of being a crazed superfan. she wrote back and said thank you for your letter -- she was genuinely glad to receive a handwritten letter and she sent me a picture of the area where she lives and everything (not her house, but the area). reading that letter from her was among my top 5 personal moments. how nice of her, and how wonderful it felt to have someone (someone like her!) respond positively to an outburst of emotion from me, of all people.

maybe i should fall back on this positive experience when i clam up -- does this seem like a good idea? to try to conjure positive experiences and stop being so scared by the negative ones (of which there are many)?

that's an excellent idea, and an awesome story!

not to babble about myself too much, but i have noticed that i do communicate positive emotions toward people, i just tend to do it through acts of service or help to others. i show people that i care about them by cooking for them, by always having the thing they need in my purse, etc.

are you a Virgo?

oh god, you could tell?
yes

dito. i show i care about people in alot of ways. but vocalizing it is where i just have a very hard time.

haha - it's just that your post sounded exactly like my mom, who is a Virgo - her instinctual reaction when i was sad, was a variant of, "I could make you some nice toast with my really nice homemade rolls ... oh, and i have this really nice cheese that i got the other day. here, i have some kleenex in my purse, let me get it for you."

i even have an extra umbrella in my car just in case one of my students needs to walk home in the pouring rain. i would never say "hey, i care about you guys" but i will loan them my umbrella.

your mom gives you hilariously practical presents, right?

yes!!! like the huge container of hot chocolate mix that had been sitting in my cupboard for years. But after my break-up last year, it was the best thing ever -- i wanted something soothing and comforting, but being single I was concerned about my appearance, so I didn't want to eat a bunch of ice cream, and the hot chocolate mix was exactly what i needed.

My mom's response to the break-up: i can come up and take you out for a nice lunch, and then I will help you clean your kitchen, because having a clean home always makes me feel better.

i'm a pretty emotional person, but as someone whose dealt with friends and lovers who are in similar positions as you, ll, i'd say that the number one thing in getting to talk about emotions (of all kinds) is acknowledging the verity of those emotions at the time they're happening. a lot of more analytical people have trouble with this, but trust me, allowing them to happen instead of analyzing them is key to being a happier, more emotionally healthy person. analyzing them later, reflecting upon them, is also necessary...

i dunno -- as an analytical person, i can't really _not_ analyze things, but i can try and separate the two: the phenomenon and what it means/connotes/the best way of putting it in perspective and dealing with it, etc.

yeah, my general reaction to having emotions is: analyze, bottle up, put away
what i would like to do is: recognize, analyze, accept, move on

i'm not saying that analyzing them is bad! just that your general reaction patterns need to be changed.

acknowledging the verity of those emotions at the time they're happening
can you expand on this? i'm not sure what this means exactly.

Also, sometimes it takes a long time to work out what your emotions are! Like, I'll realise in the evening that I'm actually really angry about something someone said to me in the afternoon. I'll say so to the missus and she's all 'yeah, I've known that for hours'. But by that time it's not like I can go back and do anything about it without seeming like some kind of petty weirdo.

^ this

all the time I'm like "oh I was having emotions yesterday beep boorp bloop"

Amanda, for what it's worth, I know we aren't like best buddies or anything, but I have never thought of you as cold or standoffish, either! Quite to the contrary, in fact: you're often giddily brimming with enthusiasm about stuff. Not to say that your passion for things like music or food or movies or animals is a comprehensive reflection of your inner emotional world, since obviously it isn't -- just that I don't get that sense about you.

that's good to know -- i don't feel like i'm generally cold or standoffish but it would surprise you how much i have heard that very thing throughout the years from various...constituencies

i have ways of demonstrating that i am not a robot that some people can read, this i know. it's just that certain things i am unable to communicate, so i always exist in this area where i am comfortable and people don't have any idea what's actually happening in my head.

this is kind of disturbing because sometimes i don't know what i've said and what i haven't; i only know that there are things i'm not saying and i am very quiet about personal emotional stuff.

i do love music and food and movies and animals, though.

!!!!!!!

acknowledging the verity of those emotions at the time they're happening
can you expand on this? i'm not sure what this means exactly.

hey, what i mean is that when you're feeling an emotion, it's important to acknowledge that at the time, this is what you're feeling. it doesn't matter if it's reactionary or silly in later reflection or analysis, because that's the way emotions work. ignoring them isn't going to make them feel any better or worse, it's just going to make them dead.

can you give me an example? i'm not sure i get it. i need to what now? not being intentionally dunderheaded, i just don't always know what i am feeling at the time. it takes a while to realize what's going on. if i do realize it, then what? i just have to say "i am feeling a feeling" o que?

sometimes i find it easier to talk about emotions in spanish because i have to think harder about what i'm going to say (not my 1st lg) and i can express myself, but i have to be more creative about it. also it doesn't always feel like it's me saying its so i am less self conscious about the content of what i'm saying and more focused on the form.

LL you said something once about how sharing small secrets with people makes them feel more like friends. That some relationships are cemented a little more by a little secret sharing? Maybe I am paraphrasing this wrong, but I thought about that statement a lot. I think it's true, too. Why I bring it up is I think maybe "emotion sharing" has the same effect, to a certain extent, and can be approached in a similar way. A deliberate inclusion of "I am feeling a feeling" really is all you have to say. That's as much as you have to say, if you want.

FWIW I don't know you IRL but no way can I imagine you coming off as Data or something.

i don't feel like i'm generally cold or standoffish but it would surprise you how much i have heard that very thing throughout the years from various...constituencies

this might not be helpful but in the spirit of emotional tmi, i would like to share that i am mad at these constituencies >:[

Yeah A, I don't think of you as being cold or unemotional at all.

I kind of feel like I'm like this but I'm sure this is much more "acceptable" or even expected in men.

LL you said something once about how sharing small secrets with people makes them feel more like friends. That some relationships are cemented a little more by a little secret sharing?
this is totally a correct interpretation of what i said! i just don't usually talk about my feeeelings, so sometimes women (and men) think i am unemotional.

n/a i think this is a lot more acceptable in men than it is in women but i didn't start this thread to talk about gender differences, just about a discomfort sharing ~*emotions*~

i don't think you're cold either btw

the people who have said i am cold or standoffish are, on the whole, just way more open about their emotions than i am and usually they can't understand why i am not exactly like they are. either that or they are people who i have deemed untrustworthy with my secrets, and i tend to keep more things inside than most people thereby having more "secrets"

hey A, here's an example:

yesterday, my most recent ex (and still my best friend and occasional lover, what) said, "well, if [person] comes down here and doesn't even recognize that my life has been really hard for the past two years because of our breakup, then i'll get really upset and crushed."

and in my head, i was like 'you tried to play it off like it was all cool with me for awhile when all i wanted was recognition that what we had when we were seeing each other was something special,' i almost immediately realized that was more an angry loneliness speaking than my own self, who loves and cares for him with everything (and he feels/acts similarly towards me). i realized that there was a truth to my immediate emotional response, but that there was also something reactionary and rather stupid about it. so in response after a minute or so of munching on some mexican food, i said, "well, to be honest, you didn't recognize how hard it was for me. yeah, it was a different situation since we dated for barely a year and you and [person] dated for 3+ years, but it was still really hard to be around you when that was all i wanted to do. it sucks, but sometimes that's the way things happen, and i'm glad we are eating together and sharing our lives together in this way, as close close friends."

in other words, for me at least, there is always the immediate emotional response when with other people, and i try to acknowledge that there is always a bit of subjective truth to whatever emotional intelligence or reasoning is behind such responses. this is different than the actual 'played-out' emotional RESPONSE, which in the case above came almost immediately, but sometimes takes weeks or years.

i feel like i just made this more complicated, but in the end, what i'm trying to say is that coming to grips with one's immediate emotional reactions is key to 'showing' or displaying one's emotions in a more effective, productive manner.

I find the whole 'emotional sharing' thing to be a tightrope sometimes. And it also depends on your friends' personalities.

There are some people in my life who basically wanted me to have an emotional enema every time something was wrong, and I mean there's just some things you gotta face alone or just aren't worth blowing out of proportion, right? I've had other 'friends' who reply with a simple "sucks" when I mention something's upsetting me.

I very rarely talked about anything with anybody prior to turning 18, even my own family. Then I started and went way overboard and turned into an emo twit that even I couldn't stand and my friends hatedi t. I overcorrected a bit too much and people still complain that I hold too much in.

IMO, the best thing to do is think, what types of things would I hope my friends could feel comfortable coming to me about, and when would I consider it overboard? and apply it to your own actions.

i forgot to mention that in high school people actually DID call me Data
not only did i wear a burgundy blazer with shocking frequency, but i have yellowish-green eyes

creepy :-/

(i'm over it, of course, but geez, it did stick with me)

he's my fave character on TNG!

oh man I'm sorry LL

i'm pretty private about my feelings in general. but then when i do get emotional i just start crying uncontrollably, not just when sad or hurt but also (especially) when i'm angry, or when i'm overjoyed, or whatever.

anger is definitely the most difficult one for me to channel. these things are learned early on; e.g. "no one is allowed to be angrier than dad"

also expressing emotions is important but fuck being 'productive' about it.

Having a bipolar spouse, I've learned that I need to stay on an even emotional keel to counterbalance her highs and lows. The last year or two, I've started to feel that keeping my own highs and lows artificially tamped down is taking its toll on me. I feel brittle.

hey NO hard feelings at all abbles -- i didn't take it personally then, so i will not take it personally now :)

mostly i just want to work on being a warmer more emotionally available person. not because i am female and this is expected of me, but because i am genuinely like that inside and i think it should be represented by the way i am outside. it's tiring being so guarded all the time.

sorry to be all ~feelingz~ but this seems to be getting the better of me these days
i've been giving lots of stuff away too, so it feels like there's this final ROAD ahead of me when really i am just trying to get rid of some unnecessary clutter.

still, that was hard-won clutter, and it meant something to me. now it will have a new home, and i feel ok about that.

but

who will i be without these things? without my flower hats? my many books? my beautiful old shoes?

why are you giving away your things

it's tiring being so guarded all the time.

otm

why are you giving away your things

and can you give some of them to me?

because i have too many things and not enough room to store them all. i've already sworn off of yard/tag sales and thrifting until i can weed the collection. really i am taking things that i saw a purpose for, but never used (1950s prom dress, fred and ginger dance dress) and giving them to worthy recipients (and only fully worthy). but it's SO HARD. i feel like part of me is dying, tbh.

who will know that i collected these swesome things once i get them out of my house? no one, that's who.

what are you looking for?

think about it -- i gotta get up early. will check back and let you know if i have something that might be just what you need.

who knows?!

you will know that you collected them! if you like, you can take photographs-- you could do something like a photoshoot of yourself and/or some of your friends with the stuff as props - wearing the dresses, using the stuff that you're giving away. After all, they are things you are rightly proud of having found and bought and curated into a collection, so maybe if you used them as a curated collection, something separate from the stuff you're keeping, they would be easier to part with? I think about this sometimes because my grandfather was a book collector and was ruthless about selling things and weeding his collection out and I find it really hard to imagine going to the great effort of sourcing a rare book, wanting it desperately during that search, and then being able to turn around and sell it when the price looked good or you needed more shelf space. And I think maybe some of that lies in how one understands being a collector, having a collection - that it's not just about desire to acquire versus desire to own, but something else (possibly to do with my difficult relationship with imaginary-future-me).

i don't know that this would work tbh! I'm not much of a photos person, and while i find it super hard to declutter i don't tend to actually miss things once they're gone. But i think maybe some of why I get worried about giving/throwing things away is that I feel I haven't got as much enjoyment/use out of them as I feel I should have and so i feel a strange guilt. So if you can get one marvellous use out of the lot of them at once, maybe then it would be easier to part?

that is the most excellent answer imaginable.

Yeah, I agree with the one marvelous use/photograph them strategy -- mostly I've done that. It's just that as the stuff I don't care about gets easier to give away, the stuff that reminds me of where I've been is still staring at me and I know it's not useful anymore, but they all have stories, but it's all so self-indulgent and narcissistic. Still, I still feel like these pieces are part of my history, and I can never get that back if I lose them. Like I will be floating away.

In fact, my wedding dress was just a dress I had sitting around that I had never worn because where would I have had the opportunity to wear this dress? And it meant a lot to me to be able to wear something I already had.

Anyway, I can't really dress up my friends because I don't know anyone else who would fit into these dresses. I've worn a lot of them on Halloween and to shows, occasionally, but the purses and shoes mostly just sit there.

* the square black patent leather handbag with a working silver clasp that I found at a Goodwill in 2000 that, when I opened it up and smelled it, revealed itself to be my best friend's purse from high school. Her mom had given it away when she cleaned her room. It still smells like her! This was a magical moment for me.

* the black crocheted dress I found on a trash heap in front of an old woman's dilapidated old house in NC when she was being forced to move out -- after I cleaned it up, I have worn this to so many things, to work, on vacation

* these beautiful shoes
http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5021/5682211186_6cce2d75be.jpg

oh, the bff's purse? she originally got that in like 1991 when we went to a different thrift store together, and i got one similar -- the only difference was that hers smelled a little, so she sprayed it with perfume. so it is like double extra significant.

I don't know anyone else who would fit into these dresses

Kenan?

When give away clothes, I love imagining some cab driving from Somalia finding some sweater I never wear and having it make his day. With records, same scenario but with some kids who've just moved here.

No, see, that's kind of horrifying to me on both counts

And I think maybe some of that lies in how one understands being a collector, having a collection - that it's not just about desire to acquire versus desire to own, but something else (possibly to do with my difficult relationship with imaginary-future-me).

First of all, this whole post was brilliant.

But second, when c# used the word "curate", it got me thinking. What if you could stand as a STEWARD of those precious things that needed rescuing, and facilitate them going to more appreciative places than they were in when u found them? You can use them to build relationships instead -- reach out to people who are the right size, have certain tastes, maybe people you barely know, and instead of having to have the saved item be part of YOUR story, maybe you become part of the other person's story because you gave them a thing? You are weaving yourself into the tapestry of lyfe, man. Does that sort of thinking find any traction w you?

I already do that, for the most part. I am giving the above-posted shoes to someone who I know will (1) love them and (2) wear them right. There's just a core bunch of things that I feel unable to give away, not to mention that I don't meet a lot of people who want to be given emotionally laden gifts of old things, like double-old. I like the idea, but doing it is REALLY HARD for me.

That's actually what prompted me to revive this thread. I have been giving some things away. And it has been not feeling good.

la lechera do you have an etsy account?

Nope

Well, maybe? I think I have bought things before. Never sold anything.

i'm friends w/ a couple of girls who are really into vintage clothes & they make p ok money selling the stuff they find & it allows them to 'curate' their collections a little more ruthlessly than they might otherwise? also they wld probably be p interested in buying some of yr stuff so

maybe the idea of taking money off these sentimental items seems tawdry or w/e but ime theres a kind of pride to be taken in making a profit its an affirmation of yr taste & yr ability to recognize value

Also presumably the buyer is more likely to value something they spent cash money on, you have raised the bar for acquisition somewhat.

I feel like I'm sort offering crutches that will separate you from the items but allow you to maintain a feeling of connection/responsibility toward them, when really the "right" answer is probably SEVER THE BOND SEVER THE BOND.

Sometimes a dress is just a dress -- the problem of course is that I don't rly believe that either.

theres a kind of pride to be taken in making a profit its an affirmation of yr taste & yr ability to recognize value

feelin this

I've thought about that. I've had a lot of different suggestions and ideas floating around out there, and I know that there are a lot of logical, reasonable ways to handle this. The whole idea of getting rid of things is the problem. As for the $$ issue, I don't like to reward people who simply have the $$; it pleases me to give things to people who would enjoy them and maybe do not have the money to get them otherwise or are not expecting to be given a gift. It's almost only ok if it's a gift. Then I get to be part of it too.

I realize that this is extremely selfish. I don't really want anyone to affirm my taste. I want them to remember me, and that feels kind of pathetic.

I guess that was serious emotional tmi :)

I feel better about this now. It just sort of comes and goes. I guess it's something I will live with.

There is no such thing as emotional TMI as far as i'm concerned. All of favorite people are those who will share anything. The more you share, the more others can know and appreciate you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjbie1O1jxc

I think I'm getting better at this!

I like that! What have you been doing that felt partic. triumphant?

Hmmm, it's kinda hard to say. I think part of it is being a little less stressed out than I have been over the last year? It's like, everyone has their breaking point, and I had mine. Now I have been through it, know what it feels like, and know how to identify/survive it. Also trying to just be as me as I can without annoying/scaring people.

meta: ^^writing this toooootally felt like emotional tmi, but i am going to post it anyway

Annoy me annoy me!! I'm glad for you, tho sorry about the circs of the last year that made it so stressful. But yeah, getting your boundaries re-set by hardship can be really powerful and make you feel really powerful in the longer view.

Hold onto that perspective power-up -- my problem is that it lasts for a while and then I lose it and get back to normal life/emotional upheaval/caring about dumb shit again.

this is way too much work

?

sorry
i've been experiencing rather extreme mood swings lately and it's exhausting
really i can't even blame work anymore -- it's just me

could be worse, i suppose

<3 to you, LL. I veer between being massively over-emotional in public and bottling everything up for periods of time, so adding mood swings into the mix is totally not fun for my brain.

Yeah that's it p much. Going up down up down just makes me feel tired and I just want to turn the feelings machine off.

This is why I drink!

I wish I had any emotions these days

laurel otm

That was lengua-in-cheek but still...feeling things is hard and that's what vices and vacations are for?

If it were only that easy. It is not that easy.

I'm sorry. Don't know what to tell ya. My daily life and the boredome of a desk job have p much numbed a lot of that, I think? But as yesterday reminded me, I do not deal well with emotional disruptions to that humdrum existence.

It's ok -- I don't expect you to be Fix-it Laurel :)

The other day I was talking with one of my coworkers and she described me as "approachable" and I realized two things:

1) wow, what a nice thing to say. it made me feel like i have a personal quality that goes beyond professional expertise to make me effective at what i do. that is to say that i felt like maybe i am not 100% broken in this regard.

2) still, this problem is not solved because i clearly still do not feel comfortable expressing my own emotions; i can comfortably and easily carry a lot of other people's emotional weight, but when coupled with my own WOW who ever thought I would grow up to be a carriage horse?!?

btw every time i post something to this thread that is more than one sentence long, i am rather deeply embarrassed. why am i even talking about this at all? shouldn't i have irl friends or a therapist or a blog or a fucking notebook or something inanimate to talk to about my stupid ridiculous worthless pointless feelings? <-- meta question: is this type of reaction typical under these circumstances?

btw every time i post something to this thread that is more than one sentence long, i am rather deeply embarrassed. why am i even talking about this at all? shouldn't i have irl friends or a therapist or a blog or a fucking notebook or something inanimate to talk to about my stupid ridiculous worthless pointless feelings? <-- meta question: is this type of reaction typical under these circumstances?

no I feel like this all the time which is why I rarely post on the what's happening thread or post too much about my personal life. I don't know if that's healthy or not.

are you embarrassed about posting that post

I don't feel that way at all, myself. I'd rather talk to you guys than anyone in RL. (You are the only people a know who offer sympathy, rather than coldly telling me how badly I fucked up.)

It strikes me that the embarrassment and anxiety you have about having/showing the feelings might be making them a lot more work?

xp to LL

some feelings are more embarrassing to have/show than others

my stupid ridiculous worthless pointless feelings

Ahem.

are you embarrassed about posting that post

a little bit, yes :-/

i knew it!

AMANDAAAAAA

come online

i clearly still do not feel comfortable expressing my own emotions

it's okay to not, you know! i mean if you're seething about something you should probably let it out, but you needn't be an open book.

if you are 'approachable' then ppl obviously do not perceive you as remote or emotionless.

i know!

I do not deal well with emotional disruptions to that humdrum existence.

this. which came in the form of a long email from my mom received yesterday after spending the weekend together that was this incredibly distorted picture she has of me from going through my phone/drawers when i wasn't looking. apparently i am a complete mess and failure and also badly need to hit the gym and nobody is ever going to love me "like this".

we had an awful fight about it, and she called me crying at 7 this morning apologizing, but gee, the holidays are going to be a treat.

your mother said that to you? that's horrible!

omg that is way ott

What could she POSSIBLY have found in your drawers that gives her any insight whatsoever? Don't answer that because there IS no answer. Also, THAT IS WHAT SHE GETS FOR GOING THROUGH YOUR PHONE/DRAWERS OMG why is she a spy???

she saw: condoms, vibrator, psych meds. all of which i had carefully tucked away in the back of a drawer before she visited so she wouldn't see them. never mind that I AM 32 AND ALLOWED TO HAVE ALL OF THESE THINGS.

in her distorted view of the world she thought she was being "helpful". i love her, but she is nuts, and i wish i could stop feeling smothered by her at 32. i am not even doing that badly, and i don't know why she is jumping to these conclusions about me! like for example, she said that i need to stop acting desperate because that scares men away which is like...i don't talk to her about my love life EVER and i don't know where she is getting that i act "desperate" as i am actually extremely laissez-faire in that department and "finding a man" is very low on my list of priorities in life!

i'm just really not looking forward to spending thanksgiving with her for thanksgiving. and also i have to tell my therapist today i can't see her until january because i've run out of visits on my insurance.

otoh, you are 32 and are allowed to not have to spend thanksgiving with emotionally damaged family members.

that's true, but it would also stop me from seeing the family members i DO like, and that is kind of not worth it :/

shouldn't i have irl friends . . . to talk to about my stupid ridiculous worthless pointless feelings?

You do, FYI. xoxo

:/ otm

bugger. just saw this thread. hugs to you all, from another person who feels the same damn way.

there were several years where almost every significant conversation w/my mom involved her asking me some variant of "when are you going to get a real job?" And eventually it got to the point where I would say, "if we're going to get on that topic again, this conversation is over." or, if it was in person, i would say that i was going to go home. And it took a bit of that (maybe a year's worth) for her to approach the issue in a more respectful manner.

fuck the holidays

so glad to not be going anywhere for holidays (force me to make solid plans jenny!)

parents can come here if they want to see me

geez, the Occupy movement is a major blessing in the family holiday relations department. We can discuss and argue politics rather than facing embarrassing and vaguely humiliating questions about personal life stuff.

allowed to not have to spend thanksgiving with emotionally damaged family members

if this were true thanksgiving wouldn't exist

nah, my family is pretty un-emotionally damaged ... they are just well-meaningly nosey.

lol POLITICS is the like the last thing i want to talk about instead of my personal life with family xp

it's kinda lol actually, because my mom and my cousins' moms will do pre-emptive damage control with the other relatives, like, "don't ask (cousin A) about (personal topic x), it is still a very sensitive subject!"

And eventually it got to the point where I would say, "if we're going to get on that topic again, this conversation is over." or, if it was in person, i would say that i was going to go home.

This is what I did about the "Why haven't you found a church to join?/Your life will never work out until you give it to God in prayer" conversation.

i've been on the up-and-down rollercoaster pretty much my whole life. (what has been helping me lately with that is running.) anyway, i got emotionally tmi and dramatic with my boyfriend last weekend. then we worked some stuff out. then this morning he got up before me and made me breakfast. <3 ;_; <3

so glad to not be going anywhere for holidays (force me to make solid plans jenny!)

Hmmmm what did you have in mind? How about Christkindlmarket then ice skating in Millennium Park? (I might just watch you skate.)

^^^jealous

Oh man - Chicago has a Christkindlmarket???

jenny, we can take this off thread! i would love to go ice skating, though!!!!

what has been helping me lately with that is running.
oooootttttmmmm
it's like boom boom boom boom step step step step trampling on the bad feelings

lol POLITICS is the like the last thing i want to talk about instead of my personal life with family xp

God yes. My parents are Tea Partiers/53%ers so there is no "discussing" politics. Just right wing talking points shouted at high volume and me getting drunk in self defense.

my grandfather (RIP) was a politician for 13 years; politics was inescapable.

i have a lot to say about that ^^ topic but it's not really appropriate to talk about on public forum

not to be all cryptic or w/e -- sorry

i have one aunt who is a recent Glenn Beck convert, an uncle who's a lawyer, and another aunt who is a fervent Kucinich/Green Party supporter. it can be quite lively.

Oh and 97% of my extended family are racists. So yeah fun times. I'll talk about my personal life all ding dong day.

How do you convert to following Glen Beck? Concussion?

Struck by lightning iirc

a career in hospital administration?

i really have no idea. i'm just glad she's not my mom.

though the thanksgiving they argued about "Obamacare," i was at the other table with my cousins talking about our miserable break ups, so ...

pearls of wisdom from the thanksgiving dinner table

everyone should come to chicago for the holidays and we will all go ice skating together
no one will insult you or your lifestyle
no one will talk to you about glenn beck

also: no one will ask you when you are getting a real job

sounds tempting!

I will take you for the best Polish borscht ever.

I'm sorry. I can't shut up about this fucking soup.

I've never had borscht! Liquid beets didn't really appeal--is is THAT good even if you don't love beets as much as LL does?

This is a topic I can really hold forth on. YES IT IS THAT GOOD.

There are different kinds of borscht. Polish borscht is a clear broth and I think this one was beef based (though Wikipedia says it is often vegetarian). I don't like chunkier Russian borscht and cold borscht can kiss my butt. I do not like beets very much at all, much less to the extent of our beet-loving LL.

See I could talk emotionally about how much I love beets for a really really long time. Those are the most welcome feelings, the feelings of love for things I love.

Ahhh okay! A beef-based soup is exactly what Laurel's doctor would have ordered if he knew I was asking! I will drink all this Polish beef borscht with you.

See I could talk emotionally about how much I love beets for a really really long time. Those are the most welcome feelings, the feelings of love for things I love.

― the MMMM cult (La Lechera), Wednesday, November 16, 2011 4:28 PM (6 hours ago) Bookmark

<3 <3 <3

also bell that is horrible, your mother going through your stuff. as far as where she is getting the stuff she said to you about finding a man, she's probably projecting and has boundary issues and it really has nothing to do with you as a person.

THE MOST REASSURING THREAD IN THE WORLD

for the ironically self-negating reasons that make posting itt hard if you relate to its premise, i do not totally wanna get into this, but just i hope you're good LL i am so feeling every post of yrs above.

I hear you, and without asking for details, I get it. In fact, I wanted to revive this thread and resisted because I didn't want to be the one to do it. :)

yes.

i just figured that ilx is the sort of place where there might be others who have experienced this. i can't really, um, talk to anyone about it y'know

i mean i think there is some kind of emotional release going on in the act of searching ilx for EMOTIONAL, ha ha. i hadn't read this all before. i think we are sorta in the same ballpark, i am not a big fan of the posterity of oversharing on ilx, but webmail if you ever want emotionally uptight high-fives.

idk if you were theoretically gonna bump this thread with more progress updates on your social & emotional blossoming, but i hope it's all good or working out for you at the moment. i always think of that moment in annie hall when woody allen sleeps w/diane keaton & lays back and says well, there goes another novel, like there are potentially pluses to an unexorcised backlogue of feelings, so either way can work.

apparently there was a point when i wanted to note progress, but really i no longer have any interest in discussing my progress or providing updates to my emotional state.
it remains a horrifying idea to even consider tbh.

the difference is that i no longer care. i think mookieproof suggested that maybe it's ok to not want to be an open book. that's what i'm going with atm.

yes, for real. & it is generally bad to spend too much time trying to fit a square thing into a triangle shape, you sometimes just have to go w/the way things are. there are safeties to not telling people stuff, anyway, so even if it isn't perfect it can be a lot less discomforting, & a lot more autonomous, than having to be sensitive to some of the things that can be raised w/oversharing, etc.

even the concept of oversharing is extremely subjective

Did someone call my middle name?

Hi, guys!

hugs for all my emotional friends

As a man with no real handle on his emotions, I have no idea what it meant, but I was about to go to bed a couple weeks ago and paused in reading a book to pet my cat a little and something came over me and I had tears in my eyes and I gave him a big hug.

kind of lack of information, but sometimes even in tmi world we don't know how to express where these come from

hugs for all my emotional friends
A chaste swift pat on the back for the rest of us ;)

we're all emotional, just in different ways

I had a awful childhood, routinely beaten and molested well into my teens, which I dealt with by instinctively shutting down my emotions so I couldn't feel any pain. It worked in that sense, but I also lost with it the ability to feel love or affection. Couldn't really feel much of anything actually. Was just sort of there, floating aimlessly through life.

Spent years in support groups and counseling trying to work my way out of the abyss i'd been thrown into against my will, worked so hard to try and carve out a decent life from the hand I'd been dealt, and came thisclose to a breakthrough. I did about 80% of what I needed to do, but the 20% I didn't do prevented the other 80% from working, and now i've slipped further behind then i was when i started out. I wish I could get my emotions back, but they won't come.

that is a lot of information -- i think we may have opposite problems?

also i am sorry you have been through a lot of horrible experiences
i hope you have continued to work through whatever you need to work through

Wow, I'm really sorry dude. Didn't have things even close to that bad, but had a similar thing with shutting down emotions... my feelings are really intense, so bad stuff is magnified.

What helped me was going back to past experiences and feeling those emotions again ... you recapture yourself from those moments. It wasn't pleasant, but it was necessary. If you shut down one emotion you shut 'em all off.

Not sure if you've tried that, but it helped me ... but I can't imagine the kind-of pain you'd have to relive by doing that. It seriously was the only thing that helped, no therapist or other person could ever do that for me, and it takes courage to put yourself through it.

In order to go back to past experiences, you have to be able to remember them. I uaually can't. There's a good reason for that - just the thought of trying to remember them is beyond scary. It would destroy what little is left of me.

oh man i remember NOTHJING before 5. My father was an alcoholic. My first real memory is of my mom throwing my brother and I in the car at 3am and never going back home. Recently I made the mistake of casually asking my brother if those years had been really bad. His answer was a short 'Yes.' but his tone implied so much more and my whole body felt like it iced over. I know I'll never be asking anything about those days again.

apparently there was a point when i wanted to note progress, but really i no longer have any interest in discussing my progress or providing updates to my emotional state.
it remains a horrifying idea to even consider tbh.

the difference is that i no longer care. i think mookieproof suggested that maybe it's ok to not want to be an open book. that's what i'm going with atm.

― La Lechera, Tuesday, January 24, 2012 12:59 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark

I just got a strong wave of this feeling again and noticed the date on this post -- maybe I'm just tired of emoting after the holidays?

this thread is like endorphins to me

hate to bump this thread but re: emotional regulation
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/11/the-science-of-laughing-through-the-tears/382824/

got to corpse pose today and just started bawling in the middle of the class. it's happened a few times before; generally some ichor that needs an outlet. kinda embarrassing but I figure if it gets to that point idgaf.

ugh it's like springing a leak! but better than exploding.

yep