How to pundit

A repository of useful phrases that will equip you to convincingly replace a former professional on TV.

"They need to get the ball forward quicker."

"They've got to start getting crosses into the box."

For me, they’re showing them a little too much respect.

"This 6 foot 7 tackle dummy gives them a different option."

"It wasn't intentional but it's definitely a handball."

"English viewers might remember him from the 3 appearances he made from the bench for Wigan two years ago."

"The striker's got to do better from there."

"They need to get in behind the full backs."

"The centre half's got to do better from there."

"He's gone down far too easy there."

"We've gone 10 minutes and still no goals."

"He's been linked with a move to Arsenal."

"You can't get away with that/You're going to get punished for that at this level."

"Too much space between the lines"

"Need more quality in the final 1/3"

"Good on the ball there, [player name redacted] off to Stoke City next season"

he needs to fo it consistently

"My name is Roy Keane and players diving is a far worse moral crime than attempting to break somebody's leg and end their career which is entirely acceptable."

Maybe... just maybe.

"playing with so much freedom"

"That's a good ball"

"WA TAH GOAL!!!!"

*striker balloons it over the bar* "Oh unlucky!"

"That was never a yellow card" *replay of dude kicking somebody in the shin/elbowing somebody in the face/tap dancing all over somebody's prostrate body*

"I thought the goalkeeper could have done better". <---- some outfield player or ex-player with no understanding of goalkeeping who is incapable of giving goalkeepers credit for anything.

*striker balloons it over the bar* "Oh unlucky!"

*Harry Kane balloons it over the bar* "Penalty!"

"This is a cracking match"

JUST KIDDING

"I'll tell you what, these modern players are far more technically gifted than my generation."

"Well, Denmark might not have had a single shot on goal, while drawing three red cards, but I still think we're the moral winners of this match."

northern Europeans parking the bus = canny, well-organised

non Europeans parking the bus = unambitious, cheats

Lol, Iceland probably the epitome of that.

Are you a co-commentator? Just develop and vocalise one fairly sweeping opinion in the first ten minutes of the match, and then continue repeating it every time something happens which backs it up (or whenever there is a lull in play). Ignore all incident which contradicts this opinion. DO NOT UPDATE YOUR OPINION.

OK we're into the really pro tips now, otm

"It wasn't intentional but it's definitely a handball."

― The Savic Detectives (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 19 June 2018 16:43 (four days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Fucking hate this one, manufacturing some controversy over an obvious ball to hand, watching the replay all like "it DOES TOUCH THE HAND", yeah everyone knows you're going to reluctantly concede that it was booted against the hand from half a yard away a few seconds later save us the bother m8

"And that's why zonal marking never works"

"England are shit and you're deluding yourself if you think that this time they're going to do anything other than a) lose, b) draw against a side who on paper they should beat easily, c) play well in the first half but then in the second deflate like a balloon, d) totally shit the bed when playing against a competent side (bonus points if that side has several Premiership players), e) win but in a really disappointingly unconvincing way that leaves you feeling that you wasted your time watching this match."

If there's absolutely nothing at stake anymore (URU-RUS, 2-0 and RUS down to 10 men), abandon all prepared notes and make the match about a sole objective, ie. in the Dutch commentators way today: Cavani chasing a goal, like Ahab chasing his white wale. Whether he truly is depressed, suicidal etc for having not scored or not, push this narrative till your viewers are nauseous of it.

Ok Fuck Cavani for scoring rn, redeeming all this bullshit. Joke's on me :(