The Interior Life of Paul Scholes

Paul arrived home from training, his classic routine completed, the kids had been collected and he had been to training. Was he forgetting something? "Training," he thought. "No not training," he realised. He had just been to training.

It must be collecting the kids then. Had he collected the kids. "Have I collected the kids after training?" he wondered aloud, his voice echoing down the halls. He knew training had been completed, he had the kit bag.

"The kids were in the garden," he said with relief. "I collected them after training."

There was so much do in a day it was hard to keep track of everything, between training and collecting the kids he'd hardly have time for a cup of tea and some telly.

"Now," he said. "What I'd like is a cup of tea and some telly."

"Were that 1998" he wondered, thinking of a time he collected the kids after training and then came home and watched telly, with a great cup of tea.

"I definitely trained and collected the kids and had a cup of tea and watched telly in 1998," he confirmed.

Suddenly a horrible thought struck him. The kids, who had collected them after training?

He rushed out to the car, the kids were putting grocery bags into it.

But there was no tea, he realised with a fright. There was no tea.

Superb

Paul Scholes awoke with a start. He'd had the dream again. The one about John O'Kane. Ronnie Wallwork. Keep it quiet.

His blood went cold as it dawned on him. Training. He had forgotten to go to training.

Would Bonehead be in? He really fancied a cup of tea.

Surely no member of Oasis would hang out with Paul Scholes?

Paul examined the food racks carefully, he always needed some food after he'd been to training and collected the kids afterwards. It was funny, he couldn't think of a time he didn't have food in the afternoon after training and collecting the kids. Maybe once. He had to drop the kids somewhere. That day there was no time for food. Maybe. He probably had a sandwich at least though. He would have eaten something.

"Chicken," he thought. "Probably best," he said to himself, loading the boneless skinless fillets into his basket. "I suppose Ronaldo and the lads are having something else," he thought with a smile. "Rice or..."

"Fish," he laughed.

"Chicken it is," he said.

He checked his watch. There was 17 hours of time to get ready for training tomorrow. He'd need to collect the kids after too, better get a move on. He rushed out of the shop.

ex member, and twas never explained why

x-post fair point...still..perhaps bonehead is estranged

darragh otm

great stuff lg

LOL

This website shows which 'famous' people support which football club. http://ffsp.railwayinn.me.uk/

UNITED....

Victoria Adams - singer, former Spice Girl
Bertie Aherne - Irish Prime Minister
Paul Bonehead Arthurs - ex-Oasis guitarist
Steven Arnold - Coronation Street actor (Ashley Pea****)
Richard Ashcroft - Verve frontman, now solo artist
Michael Atherton - former England cricket captain
Zoe Ball - former Radio 1 DJ, TV presenter (The Priory, etc)
Ainsley Bingham - boxer
Chris Bisson - Coronation Street

Scholes sipped his tea, called little Arron and Alicia over. "If you look closely, kids", he said "you'll notice it always lands butter side down". The children's faces followed the arc of the toast in wonder as it fell to the floor. "See?" said Paul, "butter side down". He tried again. Butter side down. Third time. Butter side town. "Like magic", he said to the kids, then got up and wandered to the front room. After all, So You Think You Can Dance was on.

hahaha

i am leaving "who does bonehead support" in my google box for as long as possible

So You Think You Can Dance is more Michael Owen's speed. An interior life of Owen would be terrifying though.

gaffered called again today. Wants me to take another pay rise. I suppose i'll do it, he hates it when i don't. Maybe i should get an agent, let him deal with it. Wonder what becks does. No, not becks, he gets even more than me. His agent can't be very good.

I'll call keith gillespie, he seems to have it solved.

Paul put the paper down on the coffee table, face up at the superinjunction story on page three. "Wonder who that is", he said to himself, before sticking the TV on. Q TV. Cast were on, doing Fine Time. Paul used to have that CD. What had happened to it? Oh yeah, Gary Neville had pissed on it, because they were Scousers. Paul had to put Ocean Colour Scene on instead. They had some good songs. "Might put the CD on later, after mowing the lawn", said Paul, contentedly.

Utd must have the worst celebrity fans too - Terry Christian, Angus Deayton, Mick Hucknall, Gary Rhodes, John Virgo. And this terrifying Northern Irish trio - Patrick Kielty, Eamonn Holmes, James Nesbitt

No way does Eamonn Holmes actually like football.

now i keep visioning Scholes life as some kind of Heavy Rain sequence

Fuck i forgot Bertie Ahern

superinjunction though. There was an idea.

....

'No, Mr Scholes, I'm sorry, we can't get them to do that' said the barrister. 'If there's something specific that you don't want in the press, we can discuss it further, however'.

What does he mean, 'something specific'?

Oh well, worth a try. Will i have another cup? I think I might.

Paul emerged from training, kitbag in hand, as he had done every day for what seemed like eternity. Though not to Paul. For him each day was only about a day's length in time. "About a day," he thought. "Dayish."

As he reached his car he heard a familar voice: "Scholesy!" It were Gary Neville.

"Hi Gary," he said. Gary used to play at right back. Retired this season.

"Fancy doing something this afternoon mate," Gary said. He had a beard sometimes.

"Sure, yeah, what did you have in mind?"

"Maybe a cup of tea, then we can collect the kids," Gary said.

Paul froze. It were wrong.

"Going to collect the kids now," he said.

"I thought we could watch some telly first, there's time," Gary said.

Paul didn't like this kind of talk. It was dangerous.

"Collect the kids first probably," he said, smiling weakly.

"Then tea. Then telly," he smiled.

"It's after training see," he told Gary.

"Are you okay Scholesy...you're shaking, you look pale," Gary said.

"It's okay to change your routine just this once mate," Gary laughed.

Paul stared at him. Everything could be destroyed. He could feel that familiar face appearing.

There was a long silence.

"Hard to believe isn't it mate, all the players that have come and gone and you're still at it," Gary said.

"Cantona, Keane, Becks..."

"And the young lads who never made it..Cleggsy, Pat McGibbon, Kevin Pilkington....

"John O'Kane..."

Paul shivered.

"What did you say Nev?"

"John O'Kane...remember, Kanesy!"

It was after training. Paul got into his car and went to collect the kids. He got home and made a cup of tea, turning on the television set.

If he never heard the name John O'Kane again he would be happy. But alone in the living room it was all he could hear, John O'Kane. John O'Kane. John O'Kane. John O'Kane.

Paul jolted awake, cold sweat running down his brow. That was horrible. Happened a few times, since he'd read Bravo Two Zero. Grown men, hiding like rats. Paul had never had to hide in his life, except from Roy Keane that one time. Should have read something else. Wife had a book somewhere, about the Scissor Sisters. Paul went downstairs, made a cup of tea, just to calm down. He wished they'd bring back London's Burning.

"Robson and Jerome," he thought.

It was getting late. Time to pick up the kids. He drove around Manchester till 4am.

This was presumably inspired by Daniel taylor's terrible guardian piece today about how real football fans love real footballer Paul scholes cuz he's not like those other players they have now with the cars and the hats no he's not like that

otm

Ha I just saw the other thread

"The ball was there (I think)," he thought.
He was no Roy Keane. He'd never go in to hurt another player.
"Take that you cunt!"
Those Scouse bastards Hansen and Lawro had it right. Great pro. Honest attempt to get the ball. Slightly mistimed. England's greatest passer.
He'd waited long enough. He fuckin' hit him hard!
Yellow Card. Ref just doesn't fucking get it.
"Do I collect the kids on a match day?"

yeah was considering a raging hulk interior scholes for during a game tbh

Scholes is very much from the "the rest is bullshit" school. He doesn't do interviews. He doesn't walk red carpets. He doesn't have a flashy car with smoked-out windows. You won't see his autobiography in the megastore or a six-page spread in Hello! Scholes is a reminder of what footballers used to be like and what many of us wish they could be again.

A reluctant hero, however, is still a hero. Ask Wayne Rooney, who is accumulating all this season's individual trophies, to name his favourite player and without hesitation he will say Scholes. Sir Alex Ferguson regards the midfielder as "one of the best football brains Manchester United have ever had". Edgar Davids: "We can all learn from Paul Scholes." Marcello Lippi: "Scholes would have been one of my first choices for putting together a great team." Zinedine Zidane: "My toughest opponent? Scholes." All this when Scholes, bless him, still has trouble differentiating between a fair tackle and a pub-side hack.

That was...Daniel Taylor from April last year

You won't see his autobiography in the megastore
You won't see his autobiography in the megastore
You won't see his autobiography in the megastore

Not until this year anyway

4 weeks ago...daniel taylor

The list of those who have since described Scholes as the best footballer in England includes, among others, Zinedine Zidane, Thierry Henry, Marcello Lippi and Edgar Davids.

"Sorry I'm late", said Paul, sitting down at the table. "Had to drop the kids off at the pool". John O'Shea starting laughing. Rio was laughing. Wayne was actually crying. Michael Owen wasn't laughing. Rio must have morked him before Paul got there. "Looking forward to training today", said Paul, as Wayne fell off his chair.

lol

morked him?
http://lifestagesdesign.com/images/mork.jpg

You won't see his autobiography in the megastore or a six-page spread in Hello! Scholes

That surely can't be the right way to punctuate there.

nn i'm hopeful/sure that matt knows a merk from a mork, and that interior scholesy doesn't

^^^ Exactly.

Shazbot

Daniel Taylor has ghostwritten the book, surely?

Wayne seemed quite excited this morning. He's got a new mobile phone which he was showing everyone. He was telling me he's on twitter and has half a million followers and can tweet anytime from it. When I asked him if you could send text messages on it he looked at me funny and muttered something about me having a brick. I think he was having a bit of a go, but I don't mind, I only use it for phoning Claire and my mam.

Paul let the kids in then brought the shopping into the kitchen. 'I always like a Friday,' he thought. 'Digestives, Tetley,' he rummaged in the bag. "Radio Times."

He made himself a nice cup of tea, took it into the living room and sat down on the settee with the Radio Times. There was a big Alan Titchmarsh feature but he turned down the corner and turned the page. That would have to wait.

Paul flicked through the week's listings 'til he found what he was looking for - new series of Celebrity Masterchef. Alright! He ran his finger down the names to see who they'd picked. Linda Lusardi, she were nice. Better hope the missus doesn't find out, he chuckled. Matt Dawson, Keith Harris. He scanned a bit faster. Sonia, Duncan Bannatyne. The first drops of rain were hitting the window. Lionel Blair, Angela Rippon. Someone called Tony di Bart. Weekdays, 5pm.

He sighed and closed the magazine. 'Gaffer probably wouldn't give me the time off anyway.' Still, it would've been nice if they'd asked. He never got asked.

would have quite liked to see scholesy on celeb masterchef

lol@Toni di Bart

He cook with a ruthless efficiency and a wee bit more creative flair than you'd imagine. And he'd accidentally & clumsily scald his closest competitors with hot oil.

Isn't Tony di Bart dead?

I'm thinking of Tony de Vit.

"Isn't Tony di Bart dead?" he thought as he filled the kettle. "That were a boss tune though..."

"Not sure why he liked hanging around with all those fellers."

"tributes paid to Tony di Bart" was the headline on BBC News as Paul turned on the telly. He sips his tea, it was not a shock to him. Tony and Paul used to go pick up the kids together after Paul's training, but then Tony started doing remixes of the real thing and getting the kids to take the bus. "The moment he swayed from his routine", Paul sighed, "he was dead."

thread of the week imo

unfortunately there's not much more insight into Scholesy's character in the pages of RED after that episode

the first half yard is in the mind

Funnily enough, Neville later goes on to say that Sheringham was Scholes' favourite player to play with. Still raves about him to this day apparently.

he will often be heard to say....'teddy...legend', he will often be heard to have said

"is he a knob too" #banter

You know you would all laugh if you were there.

I condemn this hateful, bitter thread

I have read RED, it was the first thing I got for my Kindle. It's a work of genius

For United's youngsters there could be no greater stimulus than being coaxed by the ginger embodiment of the club's ethos.

I think i posted the book's other example of Scholesy's famous wit before but no harm in giving it another airing

Then I saw Paul Scholes in the canteen after I'd spoken to the manager, I told him my fears. 'This is going to be messy,' I said.
He laughed.
'You don't mean Lionel.' Typical Scholesy, ready to take the mickey.

that were scholesy were that were

been enjoying the giggs outstanding achievement montages this week, but i have to say this, maybe it's just total nostalgia does anyone feel they were better in the 90s?

i think they were good in the early 90's but as they became more popular and pervasive i think maybe i grew jaded with them and then once they dropped a little out of fashion again and began to be used more sparingly i've gained a new appreciation for them, though obviously i don't condone fucking your brother's wife

nah tbf his brother had been lording it over him for years with his normal life lived in the shadow of ryan giggs, then he decided to rub it in by attempting to stake out a few square feet of happiness with a wife of his own. he had it coming.

the interior life of the brother of ryan giggs

"You see that tree?"

http://cdn.balls.ie/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/pTgXb.jpg

He walked off, smiling, to go collect the kids.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-21243965

How will he pick the kids up now?

lol, beat me to it!

this is a crisis.

I'm imagining him crouched in the driveway for hours holding the "wheel" and trying his keys before realising there is no car under or around him.

Normally he'd phone Giggsy in these situations but... hadn't he read something about Giggsy in the papers a couple of years ago? He'd stolen his brother's car, maybe he's stolen Paul's as well? Better be safe, get Michael Clegg round in the van.

grey Chevrolet estate

Such a neat player, all these little interceptions cutting out parody at source.

A police spokesman said "inquiries to locate the car are ongoing".

SCHOLES: When will you find these guys? I mean, do you have any promising leads?

POLICEMAN: Leads, yeah. I'll just check with the boys down at the Crime Lab. They've assigned four more detectives to the case, got us working in shifts.

The interior life of an ice bandit. Grim times. The waiting, the watching. The cold. Maybe they'd come back, thought Paul, see if he'd got a different car. They should know better. They'd see the house and think everyone was out. They wouldn't see him crouched in the bushes. They might come up the driveway, take a look. Then he'd know. Then he could move on.

They'd played that team once, hadn't they, Rotor Volgograd. It was cold that night alright. A bit like this. Watching, waiting. He'd never forget that name, Volgograd. Nobody would, it was part of history wasn't it? The night Schmeichel scored.

"What if the kids had decided to pick themselves up," he thought, his blood running cold.

Exterior life rip

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2366573/Rio-Ferdinand-handed-baby-book-signing-session.html

couldnt help but recall the classic bobby spirals post itt

The book, which also features video segments of Ferdinand's celebrity friends, is sure to be a real treat

After the book and watch were handed over and a round of applause spread round the room I noticed a particular look on some of the players’ faces. It was a moment some weren’t sure how to handle because they had always had me with them; some for 20 years. I could see a vacant expression that seemed to say: what’s it going to be like now? Some had known no other manager but me.

http://i.imgur.com/KOHNu8w.jpg

Amazing

http://i.imgur.com/kG8hijN.jpg

gnev wtf not from the side lad never from the side again

The documentary covers 1992-1999, culminating in Manchester United’s European Cup triumph, and interweaves the narrative with the social and cultural changes taking place in Britain at the time.

The production secured access to all six players and also includes interviews with Zinedine Zidane, Tony Blair, Mani from the Stone Roses, Eric Cantona and Danny Boyle.

ffs kill me

I'm irrationally angry at the names not being in the same order as the photo.

Now I'm trying to work out how they ordered the names. I've ruled out fame, age, appearances, trophies and talent. Maybe ascending order of Fergiebook approval?

the alphabet

so simple now you say it

it's so unmovieposterlike to use alphabetical listings but I think it's probably a good thing

convenient that Beckham's name comes first though eh?

pretty sure none of those guys would care, but the apostrophe's the wrong way round

movie posters sometimes go alphabetical in starry ensemble casts with lots of ego to negotiate but in this case i

Outswinging apostrophe

The director Gabe Turner, one of the two brothers who made The Class of 92, has a revealing story about Paul Scholes's debut in the movie business. The feature-length documentary is about the great Manchester United generation of Scholes, Ryan Giggs, David Beckham, Nicky Butt and the Neville brothers, Gary and Phil, and is released next month.

When Gabe and his brother Ben sat down to interview Scholes, recently retired for the second time and third on the club's all-time appearances list, the man himself had one major question.

Gabe takes up the story: "Paul said, 'Is this a movie then?' And we said, 'Yes'. 'Not television?' Paul said. 'No, Paul'. You could see him thinking. He said, 'Does that mean there'll be a premiere?' We were like, 'Yes, probably there'll be a premiere'. He said: 'Would I have to come to that?' We said: 'I'm sure we would want you to come to that. Would you like to?' 'No,' he said. 'Not massively'."

Paul said. 'No, Paul'.

said Paul 'Paul, no?'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiT-4V3IZFQ

'It will be difficult to look past the likes of Kroos and Ronaldo for Real, and I think Fabregas has become a key man for Chelsea, Pirlo for Juventus and Robben for Bayern.'

Paul Scholes was singing and dancing to the sounds of Rick Astley in the Salford City dressing room after they dumped Notts County out of the FA Cup on a historic and euphoric night at Moor Lane.

until the stark horror of the lyrics revealed itself in his mind. never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you

the kids. training.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/football/2017/05/05/ryan-giggs-prepared-psychologically-life-manchester-united/

Spending time with my children these past 10 months has been a great pleasure, but they have their own school lives and the hours between drop-off and pick-up have to be filled too.

The one thing I felt was unique to a footballer’s stress was that every day when I left my house I never knew what I would encounter.

There might be 30 autograph requests over the course of the day, or 30 selfies. There might be none. There might just be nice things said. Or there might be aggro, and a harsh comment.

It was the uncertainty about what the day held that got to me.

i'm not a qualified psychologist but

Lol! Never mind interior world, one could detect more sentience + intelligence in a mollusc ffs! if I was his shrink I'd just give him a big dose of LSD!

He does seem to be grasping for that type of thing where dithering inarticulate alpha-male millionaires "open up" a la Beckham on his struggles with OCD etc. I also like childish/imbecilic concept of "stressful" grown-up jobs are all white-collar of course.

It was the uncertainty about what the day held that got to me.

people i met had different faces and said different things. it was as if while i went about my day, with my thoughts, they too had days of their own, thoughts of their own, which i knew was impossible yet still the nagging sense persisted that these others were more than met the eye.