Is Jack Colback the least glamorous footballer in the Premier League?

http://www.talksport.co.uk/sites/default/files/imagecache/ts_news_article_header_image/jack%20colback.jpg

I've been thinking about doing a poll to determine whether he is, or whether someone else is instead. I keep seeing him on Match of the Day, running around in the midfield type area, looking like Rick Astley, occasionally passing it to Craig Gardner to blast over, or passing it to Seb Larsson to blast over, or running into someone, or not quite keeping pace with someone else. And it feels like Jack Colback is probably the player in the Premier League it's hardest to get excited about.

But then the counter-examples come into my head. Tony Hibbert, for instance, has been resolutely impossible to talk about for the best part of a decade now. I think. I would estimate his age at somewhere between 23 and 32. He will never play for England. I think he likes carp fishing. Then again, Hibbert's un-glam-ness has kind of gone through the looking glass a bit now, where he's so notably un-glam that it kind of becomes its own sort of glam.

But then there's Noel Hunt, a man best known for being Stephen Hunt's brother, even though Stephen Hunt now plays in the division below him, unless he's secretly signed for Reading again. Given Reading's season, this is not impossible.

There's players who just have that sort of name. Joe Bennett at Villa (bonus points for being listed as Joseph Bennett on MOTD). Russell Martin and Mark Bunn and Steven Whittaker and Marc Tierney at Norwich. Mike Williamson at Newcastle. Billy Jones at West Brom (hair possibly too curly for proper non-glam). Steven Davis, who somehow manages to be the least glam Davis at Southampton even though the other one's Kelvin Davis.

S. Davis also fits into another major category for non-glams - Northern Irish internationals. Aaron Hughes has been a first-choice central defender at Fulham since before I can remember, which is odd given that he was definitely either at Newcastle or Villa or possibly both at one point. Chris Baird. Gareth McAuley. The list may or may not go on (it doesn't include Jonny Evans, who is discussed too often on Match of the Day - possibly three, maybe four times a season - to qualify as non-glam).

Then there's imported players who turn out semi-regularly for Prem sides but no-one has any idea who they are or where they came from, except now I'm terrified that Fulham's Sacha Reither was actually the best full-back in the Bundesliga for ages and I was too damn ignorant to notice. Kemy Agustien, though. Who is he, and why does he seem to come on at roughly the 67th-minute mark in all Swansea games ever? Gabriel Tamas and Goran Popov at West Brom. Geoff Cameron at Stoke, who seems to fit into several categories at once by being an import no-one seemed to notice (outside the MLS), playing in several positions and being called Geoff Cameron.

Players best known for not being other players. Steven Naismith, who isn't Gary Naysmith (it may only be me who's confused by this). James McArthur, who isn't James McCarthy. James McCarthy, who isn't James McArthur. Joey O'Brien, who isn't Andy O'Brien. James Collins, who may or may not be Danny Collins.

Andy Wilkinson. Have you or anyone you know ever given even the tiniest amount of though to Andy Wilkinson? Not Shawcross. Not Huth. Christ, not even Glenn Whelan, and if you're out-glammed by Glenn Whelan then you are very definitely no sort of glam at all.

Brett Holman. Critics of Villa's inexperience tend not to notice that Holman's a 28-year-old multi-capped Australian international who's played at the World Cup and everything. This may be because Holman is also less glam than Marc Albrighton (which may be because Marc Albrighton spells his name with a C).

Emmerson Boyce. May have actually played in every single Premier League season but got overshadowed by Ian Pearce for most of them.

Jamie Mackie. Part of me still thinks Richard Scudamore instigated some form of skulduggery last season to make sure that the title race was decided by anyone other than Jamie Mackie. I've not got any proof, but there's no way I'm wrong.

(Mikele Leigertwood does not qualify by virtue of having two of the best moments of The Four-Year Plan - 1) directly slagging off the board for loaning out Dexter Blackstock; 2) having the mic taken off him by Warnock when he starts going off-message at a press conference)

But anyway. Is Jack Colback the least glamorous footballer in the Premier League?

just checked and nobody on ilx has never said anything about jack colback

― Rachel Howley-Waugh (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Saturday, 10 November 2012 23:35 (1 month ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

probably winner of the epl's young jandek lookalike contest.

― fun facts about human waste (Merdeyeux), Saturday, 10 November 2012 23:50 (1 month ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Brilliant post Swygart, and I can only try to build on its strengths. Robbie Mustoe and Phil Stamp might be my historical faves, there being something about Robson's Middlesbrough sans Juninho

I have no recollection of having ever heard of Aaron Hughes. Which should make him a contender. But then the name 'Aaron' is a bit la di dah.

thing is guv, the individually mundane footballer is often wholly subsumed into the collective identity of his team, which then confers a kind of proxy gestalt "glamour" by notoriety. so yer man andy wilkinson for instance (or indeed let's say that ghoulish ploughman dean whitehead) has the narrative pizzazz of being a pleasingly anonymous brutalist cog in the stoke war machine. same applies of joe bennett and any other lad coming out of lambo's fabled villa cuntera. ok you don't get excited about them but they still carry a charge so to speak.

now because sunderland don't really have any media rep like that (besides lol united rejects) jack colback becomes a genuine contender (at least of players who consistently get a game, otherwise i'd repeat my frequent silent question WHO THE FUCK IS "DAVID MEYLER"?). colback is... that ginger guy? and that's about it.

mike williamson is a good example but he's been there long enough and is just about high-profile enough to have attained a jenkinsonesque absurdity imho. like i know exactly who he is and yet still i want to shout who the f is mike williamson? cos it's amusing.

chris baird? gareth macleary? jay tabb? shaun cummings? garry monk? stephen henderson? david jones? idk i think colback wins

in other news, perusing squad lists for this has led to the shocking revelations that carlo nash and mike pollitt are still registered as prem back up keepers. who knew?

this is fine work swygart and the sort of thing i think about a lot, to the extent i was going to do a thread similar to this

the stephen warnock thread is coming from the same sort of ground but instead of the merely unprepossessing it seeks to find the winnicottian 'good enough football player', latterly sundered when stephen warnock turned out to be not good enough

i am most interested in those players that can sustain anonymity through many seasons in the top flight, so although jack colback is in some respects fascinating, he doesn't qualify because the chances of him sustaining an EPL career are slim; he seems to be small, slowish, very left-footed, and with no qualities other than gameness (perhaps only phantasmic gameness given how shit sunderland are these days)

colback is therefore likely to be the new grant leadbitter and will spend most of his career in the champo or below; like leadbitter he has a surname that i have hardly heard previously, and i suspect this may derive from the relative isolation of england's (north)east coast (i recall seeking out the onomastics and distribution of 'cattermole' some years ago and it too appears to be contained largely within the littoral between norfolk and northumbria)

stephen warnock belongs to another subgroup, the 2-3 cap england international full-back or defensive midfielder; nigel reo-coker, paul konchesky, gavin mcann, luke young etc

northern ireland internationals; so pleased someone else has noticed this, and also carribean internationals; ricardo gardner, jobi mcanuff, nyron nosworthy, marlon king prior to his most recent incarceration

Is Luke Young still at QPR incidentally?

it's a shame wolves went down cos they were chocka with this sort of lad, i never had a clue which one was stearman, craddock, edwards or ward

xp yeah he was pointlessly cold shouldered and bombed out to the reserves as part of hughes' brave new world but it seems a good bet harry will bring him back now if fit. same with dj campbell. and everyone still sorely rues letting helguson go.

the left-back paul robinson is precluded from this list by the existence of a higher-profile namesake, otherwise he'd be perfect, well, that and the fact he's now part of the brum city degradation project

length of career in PL x lack of outstanding quality wd appear to be the algorithm, so I stick with mustoe* and add to that marlon harewood, who must be one of the few forwards to make it into this thread

*would he have a prem career now? absolutely convinced the base standard has improved in the last 10 years - cd see the current qpr squad finishing top-half or even higher way back when

Helgusen was boss in the Champ iirc, him and Routledge.

obv 'top-half' is crapulent shorthand for '8th, 9th or 10th'

oh wow i totally missed that paul robinson had gone to brum, they certainly know what kind of player they like don't they

Think Republic of Ireland is a home to many of these guys too, tho Noel Hunt actually isn't one in my mind.

no this is all wrong

wolves players just too shit and paradoxically not marginal enough cuz they are really stars of the champo rather than epl obscurities

marlon harewood scored 16 goals in the epl in 2005/6 iirc, he is too high-profile and too profoundly big to qualify, a discordant, unstable bigness

marcus bent is a bit more like it

Marcus Bent is way too flashy to qualify. Think a couple of Villa players might count, defenders mostly, Ciaran Clarke? Matthew Lowton? Not sure they have Colback's quite astonishing anti-glamour though.

George McCartney (born 29 April 1981) is a Northern Irish footballer who plays for West Ham United. He began his youth career at Sunderland in 1998. In 2005 he won club's player of the 2004–05 season award, the 2004–05 Football League Championship and was named in the 2004–05 Football League Championship PFA Team of the Year. He moved to West Ham in 2006 before returning to Sunderland under Roy Keane's managership in 2008. He spent one season, the 2010–11 season, on loan with Leeds United before returning in 2011 to play on loan for West Ham. From 2001 until 2010 he also played international football for Northern Ireland.

^^^ Probably doesn't count for the stars of the Championship reason, actually.

Noel Hunt was awesome when he played for Dundee United

Bent is a sturdy contender. The striker is, by nature, a creature of flash, but strikers who Do Not Fucking Score warp this a bit. It's tricky thing, not scoring enough to be glam but not being quite crap enough to be identifiable as a donkey. Ade Akinbiyi would not qualify, neither does Harewood. Connor Sammon and Roy O'Donovan would both be strong contenders if either of them were still top-flight. Guly do Prado might be eligible if he wasn't so desperately Brazilian. Marcus Bent's credentials are enhanced by the fact that, off the top of my head, I can't definitely say he isn't in the Premier League. I'm leaning away from Ricardo Vaz Te cos I did see him be really good for Barnsley this one time.

I may club-by-club this later.

Neil Mellor showed promise in this dept before he dropped down the leagues.

no wait i've got it by gum

george mccartney

GEORGE MCCARTNEY

Is he a Hammer?

yes (and has been at sunderland i think), made even more awesome by the fact they used to have a player called george mccarthy

Marcus Bent's CV is basically a list of frumpy clubs but he has shagged Danielle Lloyd and some ex-Hollyoakes actress which suggests a kind of run-of-the mill base level of footballing glamour.

Also he appears to be not getting a game for some Indonesian club right now.

...and he's 5 posts up, in italics. h8 u mattdc

also wtf, george mccarthy? i meant grant mccann. gonna fact-check everything on wiki before posting for the rest of eternity

You look at George McCartney and then look at Colback and think nah. "Sunderland youth academy graduate" has a level of antiglamour that most journeymen can't get near.

Been striking out a bit in this thread - its demands really are more rigorous than may at first appear

I really think Middlesbrough's oddly-famed youth academy is a fertile breeding-ground for this sort of player, more so than Sunderland's. Was David Wheater too big, or too goalscoring? He's not Premiership any more so it may be moot.

22 Aug 2009 – LINE UP: Hart, Parnaby, Queudrue, Roger Johnson, Carr, Bowyer, Ferguson, Fahey, McFadden, O'Connor, Phillips

parnaby's prem career was too brief really, otherwise he'd be sterling

fabio rochemback might be a surprise southamerican contender but i fear he scored too many goals from outside the box

keith fahey was one of a load of similarly-named nobodies like craig fagan who also could never quite cling on

which footballers had the highest glam:consequence ratio? gonna tentatively suggest laurent robert

McCartney would qualify... except he had not one, but two, International Wilderness Periods. Admittedly, two really fucking mediocre international wilderness periods for Northern Ireland following fallings-out with Lawrie Sanchez and Nigel Worthington, but no truly non-glam, non-flash player would ever turn down the opportunity to have David Silva run past them on the Big Stage.

Right - club-by-club. CONTENDERS:

ARSENAL - the kneejerk reaction is that all Arsenal players can get the fuck off this thread. Except... consider Laurent Koscielny. Closest he comes to flashness is having vaguely spiky hair. Occasionally he's quite good. Not man-of-the-match good. But better than Pascal Cygan. Or Squillaci. Whether for breathtakingness or donkeyishness, there will always be a minimum of four other Arsenal players more worthy of discussion than Koscielny. He's not really in with a shout of the prize, but it'd be harsh to rule him out of the field entirely.

Jenk's knocking at that door though imo

Not having that, despite having been dropped whenever he plays he looks like Arsenal's best central defender. I predict he will start for France at WC 2014. He has a graceful aspect about him as well.

Jenkinson's claims are bolstered by his brief international tug-of-love with Finland, but now, unfortunately, he is a Young Man Knocking On The Door Of The England Squad. As such, he is conspicuous. He will never be referred to as 'the defender' by Alan Hansen. Whether he wants it or not, Jenkinson's glam now.

ASTON VILLA - Paul Lambert didn't get where he is today by indulging flash lads. Consider the players he chose to bolster Norwich in the Premier League last season: Steve Morison. Elliott Bennett. Bradley Johnson. Jonny Howson. Anthony Pilkington. God, doing this for the Norwich squad is going to be hell on wheels.

And consequently, Villa's squad this season, despite the overbearing scent of Steven Ireland, is riddled with ever-so-'umble non-glams. So let's whittle it down a bit.

A proper non-glam must not have the air of someone who is successful in nightclubs. He cannot follow the Lee Hendrie route to ignominy (not that you'd imagine Hendrie was that successful in nightclubs but he had the air of someone who thought he was). So that's cheerio to Chris Herd, probably Ciaran Clark too. Nathan Baker's borderline.

Fabian Delph was a Hot Property as a teenager. There was a Bidding War. Glam. Marc Albrighton has definitely been Fussed About at some point in the past; he was in the Villa first team even before Lambert's You Must Be This Short To Ride policy began. Glam. Benteke is too good. Andy Weimann is currently a non-glam - he scores quite a few (by current Villa standards), but always seems quite surprised when he does. Something about him suggests an unsuccessful spell at Fulham in the future. His glamness is subject to change.

So:

I do not have the faintest clue who Enda Stevens is. He's in.

I gave the reasons for Brett Holman upthread, and Karim El Ahmadi has the same ones. However, Bretty's got the edge in that no-one's entirely sure what position he plays. The ability to get shunted about the field to roughly no effect earns serious anti-glam points. Some have described him as a striker at some points, possibly. Despite him seemingly never scoring.

I'm not at all sure about Barry Bannan. He's A Bit Crafty. Also, in a team of short players, Barry Bannan is really very short indeed. On the other hand, he's called Barry.

Brad Guzan is not Brad Friedel.

However, Villa have also have a mighty non-glam lurking in reserve. Gary Gardner: the only footballer to ever be mistaken for Craig Gardner. On multiple occasions.

Enda Stevens has continental giant-killing on his cv; that's glam all over.

CHELSEA - Yeah. Erm... Ross Turnbull doesn't play enough to count. Doesn't play at all, really.

The only player even remotely close to consideration is Branislav Ivanovic. No-one seems to mind him too much (and if that statement doesn't get min. 800 words out of rtc I don't know what will), he gets shunted all over the back four with no real complaints; he just generally gets on with his job. Unfortunately, Ivanovic is too good. And the Geoff Shreeves incident sent him viral. Sorry, no contenders here.

Victor Moses. At Wigan he'd've been relatively glam, but Chelsea diminishes him.

holman (herd too actually) just has that weird versatility vibe the great majority of outfield aussies have, like brett emerton or uh idk paul okon

tbh i dont even know what the fuck we're discussing any more if marcus bent's been nominated

also even i can't hate on big bottom branislav, i'm not a monster

Moses is too fussed about, and has been for years. He seems pretty grounded generally, but no.

EVERTON - Would have so many contenders if they weren't so good. Phil Neville would be such a massive non-glam if he wasn't Phil Neville; if he'd not played for England, or United, or spent so long not being Gary Neville. Everybugger knows Leon Osman now. Jelavic scores too many goals. Kevin Mirallas would be a decent shout if he wasn't a well-established part of the well-exciting Belgian squad. Victor Anichebe has a lot of qualifying attributes - seemingly been around for ages, barely ever scores, doesn't exactly hit the headlines very often - but... hmm. Something's holding me back here.

Sylvain Distin has been very mildly fussed about in the past, but not really so much anymore. As far as I can recall, he's never been in the reckoning for France. He's a good, sturdy centre-back. He may even have been Linked With Arsenal at one point. He's borderline non-glam but probably sufficiently glam to be ruled out here.

I am not sure what Bryan Oviedo does.

Tony Hibbert has been at the forefront of non-glam since birth. Only ever seems to play at right-back, though.

I think Steven Naismith is the dark horse here. Being in the international reckoning for This Scotland Side is not even mildly glam. He also has another serious non-glam attribute - Perpetually Being In The Vicinity of Goals Without Actually Having Anything To Do With Them. If a keeper stops two shots in a row, Steven Naismith is the kind of player who'll put the third shot behind for a goal kick. He has credentials.

hmm how about magaye

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXw6znXPfy4

i mean he's french i guess but still, what's his deal all these years

tbf if i were to invent a fictional footballer as a front for some sort of complicated money laundering scam i'd also probably call him bryan oviedo

I think Gueye has had mild fuss in the past - thinking about it, he may even have been fussed about on Match of the Day. He's not done much lately but I'm sure he was definitely meant to be a thing a year or two ago.

FULHAM - I've seen them! And they've got chops in this area.

Has Mark Schwarzer ever been linked with a big club? Goalkeepers are not by their nature a glam bunch, but Schwarzer seems especially anonymous. Even by comparison with Jussi Jaaskelainen, no-one ever talks about him.

Aaron Hughes is a cast-iron contender. So is Chris Baird (Northern Irish right-back converted to centre-back converted to central midfielder!) Stephen Kelly might be. Sacha Riether is a 29-year-old with two Germany caps. He's possible. Ashkan Dejagah and Alex Kacaniklic may be too skilful for consideration.

I am trying to think who Mahamadou Diarra is and I'm drawing a complete blank. This may just be me.

this is really not going anywhere

mahamadou diarra was fabio capello's star signing in summer 2006

the truly unprepossessing player must have played 100+ epl (or liga etc) games, or in colback's case be nearly there

like koscielny? or mirallas? mirallas was the best player in greece by a long way at 24 yrs old, he wears gloves and short sleeves and is the most skilful attacking player for a top four contender

LIVERPOOL - Martin Kelly has been in an England squad but no-one seemed to care.

MAN CITY -

http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/64992000/jpg/_64992730_plattmancini.jpg

MAN UNITED - pfft. Alex Buttner was linked with Southampton this summer.

NEWCASTLE - Steve Harper has the Tony Hibbert problem of being so unglamorous that he's practically come out the other side, and Shola Ameobi's a similar case (even if he hardly ever scores). Steven Taylor, Danny Simpson, Gabriel Obertan all have the stench of bodged flash about them and don't count.

Mike Williamson is never going to play for England but has managed to outlast Roger Johnson and Scott Dann in the Premier League. He probably gets ruled out for his spell at Portsmouth, where he never even made the bench because the club couldn't afford to pay the contractually obliged bonuses that would have been triggered if he played. This will never happen with Colback.

However:

STOKE CITY

*sniffs air contentedly*

Ah, the land of the utility men. Running around, doing a job... Yep, this is prime anti-glam territory. Hey there, Marc Wilson. 'Sup, Geoff "All-American Greg Halford" Cameron. Erik Pieters, he could probably fill in in the holding role, I guess. Can anyone remember a time before Steven N'Zonzi and Glenn Whelan?

More FPL goodies: they reckon Jon Walters is both a midfielder and Stoke's most valuable player. They also believe Stoke only have two strikers, and one of them is Kenwyne Jones.

is wilkinson still there

andy i think is the forename

Aye, but he's not really been seen this season.

And in any case:

SUNDERLAND

This thread has an appointment with Paolo Di Canio's legacy.

Sunderland were probably the only club whose transfer window rivalled Palace's for incomprehensibility, as Paolo ushered in wave upon wave of players who may or may not be FM regens. Unfortunately, the likes of David Moberg Karlsson, Charalampos Mavrias and "Cabral" haven't actually seen much action so far, but we still have Ondrej Celustka and Valentin Roberge to conjure with. Particularly excited by Roberge, who appears to be the kind of classically gifted defender whose entire game plan involves getting outpaced, lunging in and then vigorously wagging his finger at the referee.

But of course, the man we're all here for is still wor Jack. Since this thread began, Colbs started carving out a niche for himself at left-back, then spent some time on the bench, then back to midfield, then bench again, and then last weekend, he crystallised: a last-minute equalising goal that went in via a hefty deflection off Steven Caulker's arse, and which MOTD marked by immediately cutting to Steven Fletcher's face. Jack celebrated his goal by running to the corner with the rest of the team and attempting to kick an advertising hoarding. It was hard to tell, but I think he missed.

Colback is our favourite because Colback endures. Whenever Sunderland need a lad to do a job - and Sunderland will always, always need a lad to do a job - he will be there. Unless they go down, in which case I think he will be legally obliged to sign for Fulham.

SWANSEA CITY

Hmm. Swansea are the reigning champs of the semi-obscure import game, which unfortunately means I'm not quite sure if I should have heard of, say, Jose Canas, or Alvaro, or Alex Pozuelo, or Jordi Amat. I think we're on safe ground with Gerhard Tremmel (who gets a solid amount of action for a nominal second-choice keeper), Dwight Tiendalli and Roland Lamah; Britton, Rangel and Monk have too much of that started-at-the-bottom glam to count. Unsure if Neil Taylor counts; he was pretty hyped before Ben Davies usurped him as Swansea/Wales's hottest young left-back prospect (a conversation Cardiff's Declan John might find himself in one day).

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR

Yes, Spurs bought lots and lots of people, but they were all very, very expensive and therefore none of them count. Not even Chadli.

The only person even vaguely in the orbit of this thread is Danny Rose, and he is nowhere fucking near the orbit of this thread.

WEST BROMWICH ALBION

If Morgan Amalfitano hadn't scored that really good goal against Man Utd, he'd be on here like a shot. Anichebe, Ridgewell too well known, Gabriel Tamas, Markus Rosenberg and Goran Popov have fallen off the radar; I'm not really sure where to stand on McAuley and Olsson, who have a kind of thrillingly understated consistency to their partnership - like the Nelsen and Samba de nos jours, except not really as good. Yacob is probably too good for inclusion. And everyone loves Zoltan Gera, don't they?

Which I think leaves us with Billy Jones, a player that I don't think anyone notices, ever, even with his perm. He looked alright in the highlights of West Brom's last game, pootling off down the right flank, doing the odd stepover, that kind of thing.

Oh, and James Morrison. Forced out of the top 50 GIS results for his name by the very, very mediocre singer songwriter of the same name. Poor sod.

maybe he should go by Jim

Harry kane is reasonable imo

Fucking hell, it's past midnight. Oh well, just the one left, and it's quite a big one:

WEST HAM UNITED

James Collins! He isn't Danny Collins!

Joey O'Brien! He isn't Andy O'Brien, plus he looks like a Bond villain's henchman!

Mostly, though, Modibo Maiga. As I think I said near top of thread, the striker who does not sodding score is a very special type of anti-glam, and Maiga's lack of shine is added to by spending most of this season as the lone striking representative of one of the most notoriously goal-averse sides in the top flight, and yet somehow their lack of goals was never pinned on him. Pretty much right up til last weekend, when he scored a Sensible Soccer aftertouch special against West Brom, I'm not sure anyone had noticed Maiga existed, a situation probably not helped by Allardyce often choosing to play no strikers rather than take a punt on Maiga - the player who's not even sufficiently noteworthy to make up the numbers.

Isn't Kane permanently on loan, though, like Simon Dawkins except presumably younger?

Harry is 26 and likes digestives

http://www.football365.com/tottenham-hotspur/9100362/Transfer-news-Derby-sign-Tottenham-midfielder-Simon-Dawkins

jinx

FA Cup confirms existence of El-Hadji Ba

albeit that the major legacy of Norwich's Movember drive is that Robert Snodgrass and Bradley Johnson now appear to be twins

― William Bloody Swygart, Monday, 30 December 2013 18:22 Bookmark

ha they obv hatched this plot cos of the murphys

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2324979/Norwichs-twin-wingers-Josh-Jacob-Murphy-ready-cause-havoc-Premier-League.html

tonight steed malbranque was playing for lyon vs psg in the league cup final, formerly perhaps the least glam actually good fitba player in the mid 2000s epl and one of the best non-internationals of his day

quite incongruously non-glam at the age of 34 at the stade de france sharing the field with cavani, thiago silva etc, non-glamness exacerbated by lyon have veolia as shirt sponsors and malbranque ambling about the place looking like he might have spent the last half decade clearing up fly tips

now there's a fucking name

always twinned him with sylvain legwinski in my head, but the latter was less good (although possibly even less glam)

colback is out of contract in the summer

going rate for an epl proven versatile midfielder/utility drone on a free transfer probably £50k a week at least?

steve sidwell got £50k a week from chelsea seven years ago when he signed on a free transfer during that brief period where they espoused parsimony and filled the squad with tat like him, pizarro and ben haim

also i'm captivated by felix magath's interviews at the moment, with his womblish demeanour, faultless politeness and surprisingly good english, he couldn't possibly appear less glam or risqué for a former golden era west germany attacking midfielder, ex-bundesliga winning manager and supposed dictatorial lunatic

he is verging on ASMR territory

(fwiw I've diced with ASMR Begovic as a display name but it doesn't quite work)

i have decided never to wiki who william kvist is

steed malbranque apparently named by his parents on account of looking like a very english baby & the avengers being the chief english cultural touchstone in belgium in the 70s, idk

yesterday I learned that Kvist has won Danish player of the year twice.

Russell Martin is now Norwich captain, with 70+ premier league games and 11 Scotland caps. I couldn't pick him out of a line-up.

Martin remarked before a game against Croatia in June 2013 that he was not recognised by Scottish taxi drivers transporting him for Scotland matches.[17]

I think the taxi driver test is a good benchmark - anonymous cab rides are never going to get Jim Whyte shouting about you on Transfer Deadline Day.

April 1997 Ireland Mickey Evans Southampton FW [13]
don't even know who that is

― every soulless meta poster is a ✰ (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Thursday, 7 February 2013 00:05 Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

His solitary cap:

"Michael James Evans for Tony Cascarino (85 mins)"

Transfer fees at £600k then £750k then dwindling away to £0.

An entire career of hardly ever scoring and never scoring against anyone good with that one month featuring four goals (vs Forest, West Ham and Coventry) getting him the POTM award.

Ongoing shitness being put down to a previously undiagnosed "asthmatic-related complaint".

He attended St Boniface's Catholic College and played Junior football for Prince Rock Youth during his schools days.[citation needed] He is nicknamed "Trigger" after a character from Only Fools and Horses.

GISed russell martin and im fairly surely ive never seen him before

probably watched four of five norwich games in which he has played

rip

lol

tgp

otm

http://felixkeith.wordpress.com/2014/10/29/the-premier-leagues-most-unremarkable-players/

took me a while to find this thread because i'd forgotten jack colback's name

http://i.imgur.com/EPSrX2U.jpg

is there an epl player with the accomplishments and current standing of gary cahill who is as determinedly nonglam

hes probably in the top 10 central defenders in the world, misrecognised as a big rather than as a koscielny type nippy recovery cb

Don't forget Gary Cahill!

― the funk soul custos (country matters), Sunday, June 28, 2009 12:45 PM (5 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

lol

Gary Cahill @GaryJCahill · Apr 18

Great training session today, massive few weeks coming up - bring it on!#ComeOnYouBlues #CFC

thats p much as interesting as his social media presence gets

ordinary bloke doing a job

...which involves being a subtle & talented reader of play & a man with fairly high responsibility for a champions league win

It's his name, plus his really quite lengthy apprenticeship at decidedly unglamorous places like Villa and Bolton and Burnley. The idea of him ending up winning a Champions League medal and being a first team regular at Chelsea seemed entirely preposterous until the moment when it actually happened.

Full name Craig Dawson[1]

Prior to becoming a professional footballer, Dawson worked as a glass collector at his local pub, while playing for a local team called Rochdale St Clements.[2]

john carver doing what he can to add a bit of intrigue to perennial non-glam contender mike williamson

http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/onesport/cps/480/cpsprodpb/11DC7/production/_89895137_pe_00609529.jpg

Euro 2016 beats everything - NI's Baird
Northern Ireland midfielder Chris Baird says playing in Euro 2016 "beats everything" in his 78-cap international career.

Meanwhile Krul’s friend Jack Colback has been informed he will be sent to train with the academy players if he does not agree a move away from St James’. Unwanted by Benitez the midfielder saw a loan move to Wolves break down last night. Colback wants to stay in the north east and has been offered to Sunderland, his old club and Middlesbrough. Sunderland have said they do not want him, Middlesbrough appear lukewarm. Hull would like him on loan but Colback would prefer to stay closer to home.

ah well then fuck him

Joke Callback

haha!

A fucking team full of them tbh

Horrible thought

Is this what we'd be like without eriksen

it works well as ambient tv tbh

except for the cunt with the trumpet, obv