Kids say the darndest things

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I had to post this, since I've been cracking up about it since Saturday.

The boys were in the bath, and they started screeching:

Ben: EEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEE!

My wife: Ben! Use your inside voice.

Ben (quietly): eeeeeEEEEEeeeee.

schwantz, Monday, 2 February 2009 22:58 (eight years ago) Permalink

I heartily endorse this thread/post.

PappaWheelie V, Monday, 2 February 2009 23:11 (eight years ago) Permalink

When I told Ophelia told her for the gazillionth time to put her hand in front of her mouth when coughing.

"I don't have any coughs anymore."

Nathalie (stevienixed), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 08:37 (eight years ago) Permalink

Every male person outside the family is currently known and greeted as 'Funny Man'. Or occasionally 'Mr Tumble' (the latter unfortunately applies to women as well).

Archel, Tuesday, 3 February 2009 11:25 (eight years ago) Permalink

hahaha

JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 14:28 (eight years ago) Permalink

In the elevator at the gym with my wife, Owen read another woman's thoughts by asking "are you twins?" and then answered himself "yeah."

schwantz, Saturday, 7 February 2009 05:39 (eight years ago) Permalink

hahaha

JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Saturday, 7 February 2009 14:40 (eight years ago) Permalink

Thank you for starting this thread. I love this stuff.

A friend at work has a two year old who has started using "Obama" as a name for pretty much everyone. He asks qustions all the time about Obama too. They're potty training him and so the other night she was asking Henry who poops. He said, "Mama poops and Daddy poops and Henry poops!" She asked who else poops thinking he's say grandma or something and he replied with, "Obama poops!!"

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 February 2009 15:31 (eight years ago) Permalink

my 7 year old nephew to his mom:

"I stopped sucking my thumb. When you get older it loses its taste."

sleeve, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 02:17 (eight years ago) Permalink

That is exactly what I concluded about thumb-sucking (at an embarrassingly older age). Though it took having my arm in a plaster cast for seemingly years (I broke my arm three times in quick succession) to stop me in the end.

Also, Obama totally does poop!

Archel, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 09:35 (eight years ago) Permalink

Re: Honeymoon - "Did you GO to the moon?"

lemmy tristano (James Redd and the Blecchs), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:16 (eight years ago) Permalink

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

Euler, Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:20 (eight years ago) Permalink

AWWWWW!!!

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:23 (eight years ago) Permalink

My kids are too old for their current sayings to be here...

But, Alice (particularly) would say such WTF things back in the day. Most (or, man) are all over ILE, but here's one of the top ones...

She was about four, I reckon.

I was explaining the whole "eggs in mummy's tummy" business.

Alice: "But how did the eggs get there?"
Me: "They were all there when Mummy was born"
Alice: "hmm. So, that means My egg and Amber's egg are exactly the same age"
Me: ".... yeah!"
Alice: (saying nothing, but now has decided Amber doesn't have 2 years superiority anymore)

Mark G, Friday, 13 February 2009 11:10 (eight years ago) Permalink

Ophelia told her father: "Wannes is in love with me." I know, not the darndest thing but still made go all AAAAAWWWWWWWWW.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Friday, 13 February 2009 14:13 (eight years ago) Permalink

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

― Euler, Wednesday, February 11, 2009 7:20 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

Get that kid a TV commercial.

Bonobos in Paneradise (Hurting 2), Sunday, 22 February 2009 07:21 (eight years ago) Permalink

haha yeah

i was driving beeps home from daycare last week and had silver jews playing in the car. so black and brown blues comes on and i start singing along at the top of my voice when i look in the rear view mirror and beeps is smacking her knee along with the song with a big smile on her face. she catches me looking at her and says 'you go, mama!'. let it be known i have the worst singing voice ever. kid is good for the ego.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 22 February 2009 14:57 (eight years ago) Permalink

I will work on the tv thing!

I love that my kids love my singing. It helps that it's mutual; when they're caterwauling away I tend to complement them (you know, like you do when they bring you their latest painting or sculpture).

My youngest kid, age 2, went canvassing with my wife for the Dems during the campaign last fall. Now she's taken to calling the paper subscription inserts in magazines, "Democrats". I guess it's because they're like the voter info cards that we distributed? But now she is hoarding a big pile of these things and gets angry when you take her Democrats. Silly stuff but I love it.

Euler, Sunday, 22 February 2009 16:21 (eight years ago) Permalink

I love that all the two year old kids in SF know and mangle the words "Barack Obama."

schwantz, Monday, 23 February 2009 17:25 (eight years ago) Permalink

nothing like this ever happens to me

鬼の手 (Edward III), Monday, 23 February 2009 17:59 (eight years ago) Permalink

Howie knows a lot of animal names but always calls a cat "Miaow", even though he can spell the word. Hence the following conversation:

Us: "Howie, what's the first letter of cat?"
Howie: "C!"
"And what's the second letter of cat?"
"A!"
"And what's the last letter of cat?"
"T!"
"[Pointing to letters in book] So, what does 'C-A-T' spell, Howie?"
"[Thinks for a moment...} Miaow!"

Meg (Meg Busset), Monday, 23 February 2009 23:28 (eight years ago) Permalink

my nearly 12-week-old has been babbling non-stop. it's such a nice change from shrieking.

Oh Why, Sports Coat? (Dr. Superman), Thursday, 26 February 2009 19:17 (eight years ago) Permalink

(Apologies if I've already told this story on ILX, can't remember)

A few weeks ago, Ava was being extremely naughty, pushing Pam away, shouting "Don't talk to me! Don't look at me!", etc. Pam wrote down "Naughty girls don't get visits from their friends or treats or get to go to the park" on a slip of paper and handed it to the noncommunicative hell-child.

Ava read it out loud, looked at the paper for a few seconds and then announced, "I'm going to tear this into tiny pieces." It was all Pam could do not to burst out laughing right there...

Michael Jones, Saturday, 28 February 2009 21:25 (eight years ago) Permalink

haa :)

ice cr?m, Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:26 (eight years ago) Permalink

this morning: "there are so many things in this room, it's like an optical course"

鬼の手 (Edward III), Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:46 (eight years ago) Permalink

SS, that's the cutest thing ever! Ophelia requests all my music to stop playing so she can listen to her music. Grrr. Elisabeth loves most music we play. This morning she immediately started waving her hand when Marvin Gaye started singing. She also looooves Pulsinger.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Sunday, 1 March 2009 13:30 (eight years ago) Permalink

its still so weird to me these little creatures have already developed their own tastes. that silver jews moment was a rare one. usually she'll sit there going 'wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? brobie? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? " etc until we put it on.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (eight years ago) Permalink

nickelodeon brainwash

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (eight years ago) Permalink

she found a tampon and asked what it was. i mumbled her mommy bleeds every month and that it stops the bleeding.

"so mommy leaks."

uh yeah, i guess....

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:33 (eight years ago) Permalink

Edward, I'm amazed. That's amazing.

How can there be male ladybugs? (Laurel), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:41 (eight years ago) Permalink

We remembered another one from our son a few years back, when he was 2-ish: out of the blue one day, he asked "why we is not ducks?". I didn't know what to say. Really, why? The mind boggles.

Euler, Saturday, 7 March 2009 01:56 (eight years ago) Permalink

My friend did this facebook thing earlier where she had to ask her kids a series of questions about herself and write in their answers. Her sons are around 6 and 4, I think.

Q: How tall is your Mom?

A: "15 degrees" -Ben "Probably 10 inches high" -Zac

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 04:50 (eight years ago) Permalink

i seriously can't get over "15 degrees"

been HOOS, where yyyou steene!? (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:02 (eight years ago) Permalink

I know, I love it.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:03 (eight years ago) Permalink

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:30 (eight years ago) Permalink

keep that one around!

yur twit (tehresa), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:35 (eight years ago) Permalink

hopefully her eyesight will never improve

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:37 (eight years ago) Permalink

Howie does that when we read the book 'Terrible Trolls' -- points at them and says "Mummy! Daddy!"

I will have to send him round to Beeps for some training.

Meg (Meg Busset), Sunday, 8 March 2009 13:02 (eight years ago) Permalink

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

A keeper! :-)

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Monday, 9 March 2009 14:19 (eight years ago) Permalink

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, 16 March 2009 23:50 (eight years ago) Permalink

kids swearing: classic. One of my kids didn't really understand what the word dammit was, so he'd say, "debit", as in "debit card", which got us off the hook with my mother-in-law.

Euler, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 00:27 (eight years ago) Permalink

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

― paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, March 16, 2009 6:50 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

ok so this is the funniest/cuetest thing i have read in a while

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 02:01 (eight years ago) Permalink

Agreed. That's so cute.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 12:37 (eight years ago) Permalink

it cracked us up. but i guess we need to do some policing of it before he gets to kindergarten.

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:08 (eight years ago) Permalink

Apparently in kindergarten I referred to a toy car as "that goddamn son of a bitch". Wasn't mad, that's just what I called it.

WmC, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:14 (eight years ago) Permalink

i once very cheerfully yelled to my pal "see you later, asshole!" as our parents were taking us home from preschool. my mom was not, uh, thrilled

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 21:54 (eight years ago) Permalink

^ That is awesome.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:51 (eight years ago) Permalink

ha i once came home from school in 1st or 2nd grade and told my parents "the bus driver is an asshole" not really knowing what that meant :-/

HHooHHHooHH-oob (harbl), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:53 (eight years ago) Permalink

Alice has been known to bang her fist on the table and yell 'dammit!' but I strongly suspect her dad has been coaching her for his own amusement. Though come to think of it she's also started a thing of regularly shouting 'it's a deal!' and shaking hands with us. Clearly a future CEO :(

Archel, Thursday, 19 March 2009 09:36 (eight years ago) Permalink

OK, heree goez:

In Venice, back at the flat, playing whist:

Mum: "Hearts!"
Alice: (Oh, fuMMMFTH)

The sound of Alice slapping her hand over her mouth, too late.
She got embarrassed, we just laffed. (She was 8)

Mark G, Monday, 23 March 2009 14:02 (eight years ago) Permalink

Hahaha

I hear from this arsehole again, he's going in the river (James Morrison), Sunday, 20 November 2016 00:54 (seven months ago) Permalink

lol

Flamenco Drop (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 20 November 2016 01:29 (seven months ago) Permalink

2 year old : "I want snack."
Me : "OK what do you want?"
2yo: "I want sugar."

Immediate Follower (NA), Saturday, 26 November 2016 15:26 (six months ago) Permalink

same

Flamenco Drop (VegemiteGrrl), Saturday, 26 November 2016 19:01 (six months ago) Permalink

Planet Earth II:

narration: "it is a world very few have ever explored....."

"one of them's david attenborough"

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Sunday, 27 November 2016 18:44 (six months ago) Permalink

👍

mark s, Sunday, 27 November 2016 18:49 (six months ago) Permalink

Seven-year-old talking about some weird RPG he's playing...

H: I did it! I shot the sheriff!

ME: Oh yeah? But did you shoot the deputy?

H: Naw, he's the one who helped me kill the sheriff!

I was not made for these times.

pplains, Sunday, 27 November 2016 20:41 (six months ago) Permalink

lol

Flamenco Drop (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 27 November 2016 21:24 (six months ago) Permalink

old man look at yr life

Flamenco Drop (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 27 November 2016 21:25 (six months ago) Permalink

mr 8 year old is, as I've mentioned afore, an extremely fussy eater. Like almost pathalogically so.

Oh but his invisible friend? He's awesome. He eats ALL the vegetables, and loves them, and eats real healthy so he can run fast.

WTF, kid.

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Monday, 28 November 2016 00:05 (six months ago) Permalink

I remember feeling a ton of anxiety and guilt for being a picky eater. Maybe this is externalization?

schwantz, Monday, 28 November 2016 03:12 (six months ago) Permalink

Hm I guess it could be!

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Monday, 28 November 2016 05:34 (six months ago) Permalink

Captain Howdy eats all of his green peas!

pplains, Monday, 28 November 2016 12:04 (six months ago) Permalink

Er bif...er bif...

Eallach mhór an duine leisg (dowd), Monday, 28 November 2016 12:17 (six months ago) Permalink

one month passes...

Naked 3yo walks into room, yells: "Dance! Dance like you've never danced before!"

I hear from this arsehole again, he's going in the river (James Morrison), Sunday, 8 January 2017 09:22 (five months ago) Permalink

At breakfast :

Me : why are you farting so much?
E: I must have been eating beans in my dreams

Immediate Follower (NA), Sunday, 8 January 2017 15:32 (five months ago) Permalink

It's probably my most eaten dream food, at least since I stopped eating meat.

Eallach mhór an duine leisg (dowd), Sunday, 8 January 2017 16:56 (five months ago) Permalink

"The wedding song is a lullaby for the monsters to go to sleep. "

how's life, Tuesday, 17 January 2017 00:55 (five months ago) Permalink

Judah now saying "are you kidding me?" Like its his fucking catchphrase

Οὖτις, Tuesday, 17 January 2017 01:01 (five months ago) Permalink

Darkly muttered: "I hope that dog doesn't pee on my grave."

I hear from this arsehole again, he's going in the river (James Morrison), Tuesday, 17 January 2017 01:58 (five months ago) Permalink

two months pass...

The other night:

Ben: "I think Owen and I are soulmates, but we just won't admit it."

DJI, Monday, 20 March 2017 18:30 (three months ago) Permalink

Awwwww

It's always (sunny successor), Monday, 20 March 2017 19:31 (three months ago) Permalink

one month passes...

While I was changing a particularly nasty diaper this morning:

"Minnie Mouse butt."

― how's life, Thursday, November 22, 2012 8:20 PM (four years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

She dug out her old Minnie Mouse toy from back then, so I reminded her of this exchange. It prompted her to start singing "minnie mouse butthouse" to the Mickey Moue Clubhouse theme song.

how's life, Saturday, 13 May 2017 23:39 (one month ago) Permalink

today was the first time she got me laughing to the point of tears. She got a new beanie boo, Magic, & she loves to (fully) populate the Contacts app with all her friends, so she decided that Magic's family name was Lerfman and then while we the adults were joking about "Richard Lerfman, D.D.S," she got to the work email address field: babymagic dot lerfman at weathernews dot gov.
I died.

El Tomboto, Sunday, 21 May 2017 23:53 (one month ago) Permalink

^^^excellent!

Ella, 4yo, has a cold, and said, "I wish this cold had balls so we could kick it in them!"

This is a bit of a running theme, as recently she headbutted me in the crotch as we were walking to the shops, and as I gaspingly enquired as to why, she explained "it was to make you a bit quieter."

Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Monday, 22 May 2017 00:07 (one month ago) Permalink

Way to go, lass :)

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Monday, 22 May 2017 00:09 (one month ago) Permalink

after nursery -
me: what do you want to do - you can play with the water table, eat some pasta, or watch a video - you can choose one thing.

toddler: play with water table

me: ok

toddler: then after eat some pasta, watch a video

kinder, Monday, 22 May 2017 17:07 (one month ago) Permalink

http://www.columbia.edu/~vjd1/cone_of_depres.gif

Yay?

how's life, Monday, 22 May 2017 17:46 (one month ago) Permalink

a little bit from columns a b and c

Yoni Loves Chocha (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 22 May 2017 17:56 (one month ago) Permalink

"If you never had a kid, you would forget all the jokes you made because you had a kid."

El Tomboto, Sunday, 4 June 2017 19:52 (two weeks ago) Permalink

A couple of years ago Henry head butted me with the back of his head so hard my one of my front teeth ached for days. A month or two later he elbows me in the same tooth.This time it was loose. I went to the dentist and got some x-rays done and the damn kid had completely broken my tooth way up in my gum. Not only that he broke my jaw too.

So since I cant afford a the 9 months it will take to fix it and the $30K bone grafting and an implant right would cost right now (don't worry my not walking around toothless in Arkansas) its on the back burner.

SO this was all just lead up to what a smart ass my kid is.

The other day he wanted something and of course he wanted it RIGHT NOW. I started mocking him (great parenting, i know) 'Ooooohhh im Henry and I want something right now! Whatever shall I do??'

To which he fires back 'Ooooh I'm Mama and someone knocked my tooth out. What ever shall I do???'

Little shit.

It's always (sunny successor), Wednesday, 7 June 2017 14:35 (two weeks ago) Permalink

ok lol

Οὖτις, Wednesday, 7 June 2017 16:01 (two weeks ago) Permalink

Once I yelled at him at Sonic because he wouldn't come back to the backseat from the cargo/trunk area of the SUV. We're going down the road, and I do that thing you're not supposed to do as a parent: keep lingering on the transgression, pitying myself. i.e. "I take you to SONIC and you still don't behave!"

As I say this, I grab my slushie and absent-mindedly pull on the straw up and down, making that "Lighten Up" sound. And from the backseat, the little psychopath starts making this wheezing sound. Took me a second before I wheeled around, saw those angry eyes, and realized HE WAS MOCKING MY SLUSHIE STRAW.

pplains, Wednesday, 7 June 2017 16:29 (two weeks ago) Permalink

can you blame him really

no just kidding they are such fucking jerks

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Wednesday, 7 June 2017 18:04 (two weeks ago) Permalink

that thing you're not supposed to do as a parent: keep lingering on the transgression, pitying myself.

this is good advice for us all, in any situation.

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Wednesday, 7 June 2017 18:49 (two weeks ago) Permalink

wisdom of the ages

Οὖτις, Wednesday, 7 June 2017 18:50 (two weeks ago) Permalink

My two year old is a budding No Depression reader.

He gave me a serious what the hell moment when I put on the Buckingham/McVie album in the car and he started yelling, "I don't want this music! I want Ryan Adams!" Turns out my wife has been playing a Ryan Adams album in her car.

A similar thing happened when listening to Chic. He said, "I don't want this. I want the man with the beard!" I found out later he meant Chris Stapleton.

President Keyes, Tuesday, 13 June 2017 12:43 (one week ago) Permalink

H started going around the house, singing a lyric he heard off of YouTube: "SOMEbody once told me, the world is gonna roll me."

Just that line over and over. It was driving me nuts because he never hit the next line. Finally, I finished it for him with I AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED.

He looked at me and asked, "You know that song? When have you ever watched Shrek?"

pplains, Tuesday, 13 June 2017 14:24 (one week ago) Permalink

Put on Donna Summer "I Feel Love" last night, my 4 year old daughter says "she's a bad signer, she's just signing "eeeeeee" all the time"

silverfish, Tuesday, 13 June 2017 14:32 (one week ago) Permalink

My daughter has an inexplicable and possibly misleading message she MUST share with the world pic.twitter.com/JsJHBgfhBx

— Caustic Cover Critic (@Unwise_Trousers) June 13, 2017

Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Wednesday, 14 June 2017 00:59 (one week ago) Permalink

I am v excited about this news! :) So cute.

Benson and the Jets (ENBB), Wednesday, 14 June 2017 01:06 (one week ago) Permalink

:D

Yoni Loves Chocha (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 14 June 2017 04:12 (one week ago) Permalink

aw.

how's life, Wednesday, 14 June 2017 08:30 (one week ago) Permalink

Put on Donna Summer "I Feel Love" last night, my 4 year old daughter says "she's a bad signer, she's just signing "eeeeeee" all the time"

― silverfish, Tuesday, 13 June 2017 14:32 (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

You mean the video?

Mark G, Wednesday, 14 June 2017 11:54 (one week ago) Permalink

no, just the song, I think her point was that she wasn't really singing and just doing these long vowel sounds which didn't really register as words to her (I should also probably point out that her first language is French and she only speaks a bit of English). Also she said this at the beginning of the song, I think she did end up enjoying the song at the end.

silverfish, Wednesday, 14 June 2017 14:11 (one week ago) Permalink

xxxxxpost

Whoa, never made the Caustic Cover Critic connection. Great blog!

early rejecter, Thursday, 15 June 2017 17:02 (one week ago) Permalink

:)

Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Friday, 16 June 2017 00:45 (one week ago) Permalink

"Iron Man works for Donald Trump and Batman works for Hillary Clinton."

El Tomboto, Friday, 16 June 2017 23:42 (one week ago) Permalink

2.5 year old suddenly aware of the human body in new and fascinating ways:

"My penis is bugging me! It's sticking out!"

"Papa you have hair on your tummy. Why did you do that?"

After he barges in while I'm showering and opens the curtain: "Papa that's a nice penis you have. It's big! Mine is big too!"

I also feel like the fart and poop jokes are not far off which honestly I'm kind of stoked about.

joygoat, Saturday, 17 June 2017 02:29 (six days ago) Permalink

lololol omg

Yoni Loves Chocha (VegemiteGrrl), Saturday, 17 June 2017 02:33 (six days ago) Permalink


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