Tell Your Favourite Jokes Here!

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This is an obligatory post for a board about everything...Over to you...

― james e l, Wednesday, 13 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Why did the sailor cry in the bathroom?

― -- Mike Hanley, Wednesday, 13 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Why?

― Tracer Hand, Wednesday, 13 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Shut up and trouble were walking through the woods... anyway, they ended up in jail.

― Nude Spock, Wednesday, 13 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

...& then he said, HEY WAIT A MINUTE, THAT SONOFABITCH HADBOTH HANDS ON MY SHOULDERS!

― duane, Wednesday, 13 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

These are less jokes, more confusing random statements.

― Ally, Wednesday, 13 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Yeah, what is this? The Thom Yorke Book Of Laffs? I need jokes, dammit, for when cockfarmer colleagues at a loss for anything intelligent to say force everyone to tell them. When ILM ran a joke competition someone won an ACTUAL PRIZE, I might add.

― Tom, Wednesday, 13 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

The Thom Yorke Book of Laffs!! lol! Tom- give yerself a prize!

― Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Wednesday, 13 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Like Thom Yorke ever laughs, jesus. Would you laugh if you were Thom Yorke?

― Ally, Wednesday, 13 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

"[An emoticon] represents all that the internet has done wrong to people - they can't even get sarcasm or irony or even just obvious humor without a BIG HAPPY FACE next to it? Hello, what is that about?" - Ally, about four hours ago.

;-)

― Tom, Wednesday, 13 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Now you listen here, Henry Rollins w/ animated beard. Don't go getting all better than me when you are WELL AWARE that I was just using your easy sarcasm as a springboard for me to insult Thom Yorke, ie I wouldn't laugh if I was as lame as Thom Yorke, I'd kill myself. Why must you always ruin my easy, unfunny cheap shots with your British wit? Psh. I might as well be Thom Yorke for all the fun you suck out of my day, bastard.

― Ally, Wednesday, 13 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Generally when pop stars have a public profile that could be described as gloomy there's usually a mate or two to say that in private they're a barrel of laughing monkeys. This however has not happened to T. Yorke.

I'd like to have an animated beard. The nearest I'm going to get is growing it long enough for things to nest in, alas.

― Tom, Wednesday, 13 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Tom, I suspect things are already nesting, albeit small things. The disastrous beard idea remains nested inside your head.

Anyhow:

"My wife went on holiday to Poole."

"In Dorset?"

"Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone."

― Tim, Wednesday, 13 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Am I included in "anyone", Tim :) ?

― Robin Carmody, Wednesday, 13 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Someday, when we have an actual pub meet-up, I will tell my all-time favourite joke ever, which is the "rabbit" joke, also known as the "cold coffee" joke. Extreme drunkenness is, however, completely required. It would lose something on the internet. Truly.

― masonic boom, Thursday, 14 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

"Anyone", Robin? I expect you would be, but I don't know what you mean.

Another:

"I took my wife on holiday to Northern Italy."

"Genoa?"

"I should hope so, we've been married for twenty years."

― Tim, Thursday, 14 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? "Make me one with everything!"

― Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Thursday, 14 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Oh, I see what you mean. Sorry.

― Tim, Thursday, 14 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

"Would you like a frozen banana?"

"No. ... But I'd like a regular banana later... so, yeah!"

- from Mitch whatsisname, forget, he's on late night shows a lot, wears leather pants, mumbles and sounds like an acid casualty - which may help improve the joke ;)

― Josh, Thursday, 14 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Tim, the Dorset gag is one of my all time favourites as Pete will tell you. We have perfected a fantastic comedy double-act well-timed way of delivering said gag too.

On GMTV the other morning the weather girl was in Dorset and every time Fiona Phillips said 'now over to Whatserface in Dorset' I stuck my mascara in my eye I was laffing so much.

― Emma, Thursday, 14 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

"Tiger in the Bed" by Claude Balls.

Look me in the eye and tell me that isn't the best joke ever

x0x0

― Norman Fay, Thursday, 14 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

"I went for a meal in the Balkans."
"Serbia?"
"No, I had to bring my own."

― tarden, Thursday, 14 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

"My wife's just back from a dental appointment in North Africa."

"Tunisia?"

"Yeah, she is thanks".

― Michael Jones, Thursday, 14 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

"Knock knock?"
"Who's there?"
"Ibiza."
"Ibiza who?"
"Ibiza one to tell this crap joke."

― AP, Thursday, 14 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Does Michael's joke make sense to any of the other Americans on the board? Because I'm bamboozled.

My contribution:

Q: How do you catch a bear?
A: Go out into the woods and dig a big pit. Fill it with ashes and line the edges with peas, then hide nearby. When the bear come to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole.

― Dan Perry, Thursday, 14 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

WHy did the ox scream out to the Lord? Because the Lord as hittin g him in the face hard.

hahahaha!!!!!

― -- Mike Hanley, Thursday, 14 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

A horse walks into a bar the barman asks 'why the long face?' *hml* (hollow mirthless laugh)
do not ever re-use that piece of internet slang or I will GET YOU

― ,maryann, Friday, 15 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Knock knock
Who's there?
Euan.
Euan who?
Euan your mate can both fuck off.

― duane z., Friday, 15 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Duane made that up. Here are a couple of others he made up:

'Do you like Nietzsche?'
'Nature alone is beautiful.'

Oh actually I made it up. I forgot. But he often uses this joke:

'Do you like Kipling/Keats etc?'
'I don't know, I've never kippled/tried one/etc'

― Maryann, Friday, 15 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Tunisia = Chewing Easier. This one does rely somewhat on pronunciation.

I a have always been enamoured by: Bloke walks into bar with a surgical smock on and a drip attached to his arm. Orders pint of beer. Necks it. Then says to barman: "I shouldn't really have had that. Not with what I've got." "Why,"sex barkeep. "What have you got?" "38p".

― Pete, Friday, 15 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

SEX BARKEEP? Hello?

This typo in no way heightens the joke.

― Emma, Friday, 15 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Typo's are funny. Especially when they are rude.

― Pete, Friday, 15 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Is the plural of typo typo's (with apostrophe)? I think not. Unless this is in itself some kind of warped joke?

The important thing to remember about jokes is: the more times you tell them the funnier they are.

― Emma, Friday, 15 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

"My husband's playing in the Italian League"

"For Lazio?"

"Only when there's shelves to put up."

― Tom, Friday, 15 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Man, with a french canadian accent, none of these puns make any damn kind of sense.

― Patrick, Friday, 15 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

What d'you do when you see a space man?

Park the car man.

(= favourite joke of 2000)

― mark s, Friday, 15 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

"My husband served in the Falklands, you know"

"Port Stanley?"

"No, he's driving."

― Tom, Friday, 15 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Shakespeare walks into a pub.

Lanlord says 'Get out! You're barred.'

― Richard Tunnicliffe, Saturday, 16 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

Did you guys hear about the new pirate movie?

It's rated ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR

― Tracer Hand, Saturday, 16 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

i love that pirate one tracer! i'd forgotten all about that one. i don't tell jokes in public, but i love telling that one, even though no one laughs except me. i mean its not even that funny, but i love it. i think i just like going 'arrrrr!' and telling the joke is an excuse to say 'arrrrr'. that is the best joke of all time

the pool/endorse it one is good too.

― gareth, Sunday, 17 June 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

three months pass...

for maximum effect a short intake of breath shd prefix your lusty growl, presumably because pirates are scary and unpredictable.

― Tracer Hand, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

"Doctor, I keep imagining I'm a teepee or a wigwam."

"You're two tents."

― Trevor, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

This bloke's in bed with his missus when there a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife, so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside. "Eh mate" says the stranger, "can you give us a push??". "No, piss off, it's half three. I was in bed." says the man and shuts the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, you are a twat. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to piss off?" So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Eh mate, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah, please mate." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" A voice comes out of the darkness: "I'm over here on the swings."

― Sam, Wednesday, 26 September 2001 00:00 (twenty-three years ago) link

two years pass...

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

― Ste (Fuzzy), Friday, 28 May 2004 09:45 (twenty years ago) link

seven months pass...

what do you call two homosexual vegetables?

lesbeans.

― christopher james mcintosh, Tuesday, 4 January 2005 03:00 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: What has 100 eyes and 100 legs and smells of urine?
A: Front row of a John Farnham concert

― Adamdrome Crankypants (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 03:03 (nineteen years ago) link

What do you call two black guys flying a plane?
(pause)
Pilots ... you fucking racist.

― Hurting (Hurting), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 03:04 (nineteen years ago) link

WHy did the ox scream out to the Lord? Because the Lord as hittin g him in the face hard.

I adore this joke.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 03:05 (nineteen years ago) link

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Punchline provided upon request

[Note: Selection of joke inspired by the Sideways thread]

― Ken L (Ken L), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 03:15 (nineteen years ago) link

What???

― Hurting (Hurting), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 03:17 (nineteen years ago) link

Homeless!

― Ken L (Ken L), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 03:20 (nineteen years ago) link

I've already posted this one on some other thread.

What's bloody, monthly, and sings?
The New Christy Menstruals.

― I Am Curious (George) (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 03:24 (nineteen years ago) link

Is that from the Mighty Wind DVD special features?

― Hurting (Hurting), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 03:26 (nineteen years ago) link

I read it in an old National Lampoon.

― I Am Curious (George) (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 03:29 (nineteen years ago) link

I took my wife on holiday to Northern Italy."

"Genoa?"
That one reminded me of a Led Zeppelin song.

Q: What do you call a psychic dwarf on the run from the law?

― Ken L (Ken L), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 03:43 (nineteen years ago) link

A: A small medium at large.

― Ken L (Ken L), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 03:44 (nineteen years ago) link

In the music nerd dept:

Q:What's the difference between a chicken and a trombonist crossing the road?

A: The chicken has a gig to get to.

― Hurting (Hurting), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 04:02 (nineteen years ago) link

Drummer gets gig as a sub in a Greek wedding band. After the second number the band leader turns to him and says "Hey kid, enough with the Elvin Jones stuff already! Just give me a simple backbeat on the two and the five."

― Ken L (Ken L), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 04:06 (nineteen years ago) link

As a drummer, that one made me snort impishly.

― Hurting (Hurting), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 04:18 (nineteen years ago) link

an old muso joke...

Anthropologist in the jungle finds remote village never before visited by outsiders, is welcomed by all, settles in to study their primeval ways. The people are friendly, the village is peaceful, even the jungle grubs they eat at happy hour are delicious. The only thing that puzzles the anthropologist is the constant sound of drums in the near distance, pounding pounding pounding, day and night. After a few days, he's established enough of a rapport with the chief that he asks what's going on with the drums. "No worry," the chief says. "As long as drums play, everything OK." The anthropologist shrugs and files it away as something to investigate another time. But about a week later, as he's taking notes on courtship rituals, he suddenly realizes the drums have stopped.
"Oh no!" says one of the villagers.
"What happens now?" asks the anthropologist, feeling panicky.
The villager groans: "BASS SOLO!"

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 05:35 (nineteen years ago) link

Then there is this evergreen, which I think I posted somewhere on ILM.

Q:How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.

― Ken L (Ken L), Tuesday, 4 January 2005 05:43 (nineteen years ago) link

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

A: Pick it up and suck its dick.

― Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Friday, 7 January 2005 01:22 (nineteen years ago) link

two years pass...

what do you call two homosexual vegetables?

lesbeans.

-- christopher james mcintosh, Monday, January 3, 2005 10:00 PM (2 years ago) Bookmark Link

ACTUALLY LEGUMES ARE NOT VEGETABLES

^best joke

― Will M., Friday, 7 September 2007 21:22 (seventeen years ago) link

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