The Vagaries of Dating The Vagaries of Dating

Him: 'shall we do this again sometime?'
You: 'yyyeeeeeeehhhhhhh...'

Don't contact him. If he contacts you, say you would love to hang out again (pause) just as friends, if that's ok?

yeah...that's pretty much how it went down. *sigh* thanks for listening.

But next time it might go down differently. But yeah, dates like that feel all wrong to me too.

Us clueless guys never being able to interpret whether the woman wants to go out again. Some women are honest and just say 'no' or 'yes'; that's better than the "yeahhhh, maybe, contact me (but then later ignoring e-mails or calls).

Being a divorced 40-something parent and dating is no fun. Trying to schedule dates with other divorced parents is always difficult because your non-parenting nights never seem to match up. Never married 40-somethings either want to have kids, or have schedules that somehow manage to be even busier than those of a parent. I had been seeing someone for years but that fizzled out and now I'm in the wonderful world of internet dating. Ugh.

I know this problem. I'm convinced I know straight away if I'm interested in someone or not, which means if I don't think I want to date them, it means I don't. But of course I could be missing out on a lot by not trying. And it means that if I date someone I'm already taking it very very very seriously, even if I don't tell the person that.

― ljubljana, Tuesday, October 6, 2009 8:03 PM (2 days ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

wow this is crazy

sorry that sounds mean.

which part do you think is crazy? there's a few different statements there

well, if i only dated ppl i was already into, i would be dating a hell of a lot less often & be meeting v. few interesting people, be many friends shorter & two relationships shorter than i am now.

i mean i guess the line could be at varying places -- its not like im dating ppl im not attracted to or something -- but part of the fun/risk of dating is getting to know people

i don't really understand the concern about rejecting someone ... you're afraid you'll end up in a relationship you dont want to be in? "oops!" you can say no & make an excuse at basically any point on the ride, would much rather do that than miss out on someone who is potentially really cool (or more likely, at least a decent person to know).

I kind of agree w ljub (maybe I'd use fewer verys), even if you or some person on the internet thinks it's crazy (OH NOES). But then, that's part of why it's easier just to not date.

Hanging out w people asking all the "right" questions about them and fielding their "right" questions about you while you sort of grope around blindly for what kind of person the other person is without promising anything that you aren't sure you mean just seems like a shit-ton of work and completely tedious -- esp if you're not attracted to them originally, like if you thought you should give that person a chance in case they surprise you or something. So pretty much the really small number of people I would be excited about meeting up with, I'm already say 85% sure I'm interested in.

xp The last time I told a guy on a date (a blind internet date, no less!) that I didn't think we should see each other romantically, he cried and we both had to get up and leave right away.

xp The last time I told a guy on a date (a blind internet date, no less!) that I didn't think we should see each other romantically, he cried and we both had to get up and leave right away.

― that stupid-ass cannibal pen-pal of yours (Laurel), Thursday, October 8, 2009 6:03 PM (17 seconds ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

holy crap

He was really really interesting but not attractive to me at all. I would have worked on some kind of creative project with him, he did cool music 'n stuff, but...no datey.

all apologies, another topic emerges:

I'm thinking about the 19 (or 18?) year old girl I have a half crush on because I might go to the place she works tonight for beer (not thinking of stalking her or anything creepy). Anyways someone up thread said that I probably wouldn't share many favorite interests (probably true). But isn't that true with just about everybody you date? Cept maybe if you meet someone at the concert for your favorite band.

So I don't even know what I could talk about even if I wanted to try to jump in the relationship world.

what are good conversations topics? seriously

I told a girl a terrible poem I made up on a date once. granted it was down hill to begin with.

discuss flushing toilets with one's feet

erotic hats can't fail to win her favour.

reborns

wanna hear the poem?

yes

uhh the internet deleted my poems. they were on an older version of poetry.com apparently

plz find

also, submit them to ilx in poll form

I kind of agree w ljub (maybe I'd use fewer verys), even if you or some person on the internet thinks it's crazy (OH NOES). But then, that's part of why it's easier just to not date.

Hanging out w people asking all the "right" questions about them and fielding their "right" questions about you while you sort of grope around blindly for what kind of person the other person is without promising anything that you aren't sure you mean just seems like a shit-ton of work and completely tedious -- esp if you're not attracted to them originally, like if you thought you should give that person a chance in case they surprise you or something. So pretty much the really small number of people I would be excited about meeting up with, I'm already say 85% sure I'm interested in.

xp The last time I told a guy on a date (a blind internet date, no less!) that I didn't think we should see each other romantically, he cried and we both had to get up and leave right away.

― that stupid-ass cannibal pen-pal of yours (Laurel), Thursday, October 8, 2009 5:03 PM (36 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

ok i definitely dont mean "go out with people you're not attracted to" -- thats dumb. but i thought she meant, like, ppl that she already was somewhat interested in beyond that

Maybe that line you were talking about is just set at a higher point of "interested".

But even if you might like them, dating is a giant bore? Maybe you have to like the idea of getting to know people.

like if you thought you should give that person a chance in case they surprise you or something. So pretty much the really small number of people I would be excited about meeting up with, I'm already say 85% sure I'm interested in.

^^^ this.

deej, you're right that I could make an excuse at any time and get out. But I know within 5 minutes of meeting someone whether I'm potentially interested in them romantically. That sounds like I think it's a good thing, but I don't - I'd rather have the nice potential of falling for them later, after 10 or 20 dates! It's just the way I am... it certainly does restrict the number of relationships I have. Within 2-3 dates I'm generally head over heels for them or know I won't ever be. Maybe I could change this with effort! - but something tells me I just know: yes or no. And of course it's usually no, since people don't go around falling for other people all over the place. It'd be chaos.

I like the idea of getting to know people, but I hate the idea of leading them on when I know it's 'no'... I think internet dating is good for me for that reason - I can't second-guess too much whether I like them romantically or not till I get there.

Ljubjana I've always been exactly the same way so you're def not alone in that.

It is kind of a relief that you and Laurel are the same way. I was starting to think I was just wired up funny.

Meanwhile, my ex, if you can call him that, well, my ex-person-I-was-seeing, has sent me a novel that he says reminds him of me. I *never* read this kind of novel (kinda chick-histo-lit: The Gurnsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society). Just the title screams 'NO' to me. He sent a nice card with it though. Also two Weakerthans CD copies that I told him I did not want.

er, Guernsey.

Yeah no I totally relate to everything you wrote. It's also why I was never really into casual dating. I just never saw the point of dating someone I wasn't into and the ppl I was into I wanted more than just a casual thing with.

Thing is, getting to know someone can turn a "maybe" into a "yes" but I don't think it can ever turn a "nope, never" into a yes. (Except with the magical addition of alcohol which can turn Yog-Sothoth into a yes on a bad day)

I'm inclined to think alcohol solves every problem. Except the one I'm in right now, Ow

I do love alcohol. But to me, dating is the opposite of fun. What's FUN is when hit that point where both people are interested to some degree, and then you start the tacit negotiations and one-ups-manship about how things are going to go. But that's useless until there's an actual investment -- otherwise you're not putting anything on the table.

I wouldn't know, I have never had a girlfriend :(

Where did this myth come from that dating was supposed to be FUN? Honestly, I believe that first dates are used as a form of torture on political prisoners.

Dating was branded 'fun' when people realized there's a good deal of money in it. So that must have been ages ago.

dating is fun if you like both people involved

^sounds like a threesome date

What a disaster for the self-depreciative

xp

Even back in the long lost days when people I was actually attracted to might express interest in dating me, I still hated dating. Hated the nerves, hated the not knowing, hated the kind of fluttering sick to your stomach feeling. It's kind of like it was almost better when you didn't liiiike the person so you could just concentrate on getting drunk and enjoying the evening rather than worrying about whether you were coming across a total arse in front of someone you were really attracted to.

Hated the nerves, hated the not knowing, hated the kind of fluttering sick to your stomach feeling

this is the fun part

You pest.

Yeah, okay, dating nerves are a GOOD kind of nervous, compared to all the things that could actually be wrong. But you should probably actually like the other person first, before you get nervous about them. Up til then, it's really not worth your stressing about -- but it's sooo tempting to start stressing long before then.

uh why date someone you don't know you like to begin with though?

What's FUN is when hit that point where both people are interested to some degree, and then you start the tacit negotiations and one-ups-manship about how things are going to go. .

― that stupid-ass cannibal pen-pal of yours (Laurel), Friday, 9 October 2009 13:16

ooof
not fun

dating is so mindbogglingly complicated

i've had 2 sorts of dating nerves - nerves because i don't like the other person that much (in which case, perhaps a bad idea to go out with them at all, but sometimes it's hard to mae up your mind on the spot), and nerves because i really like them - and also a complete lack of any anxiety because i really don't care either way! the last is the only time dating's actually been FUN just because i had so little invested in it, but it's rare (at least for me) to like someone enough to go out with them repeatedly but not enough to worry about them.

xp to darra: I don't, but deej said "well, if i only dated ppl i was already into, i would be dating a hell of a lot less often & be meeting v. few interesting people, be many friends shorter & two relationships shorter than i am now."

And then Kate later observed "It's kind of like it was almost better when you didn't liiiike the person so you could just concentrate on getting drunk and enjoying the evening rather than worrying about whether you were coming across a total arse in front of someone you were really attracted to."

Which made me think that when I've gotten really nervous about dates, it was 100% concern for being attractive enough for the other person, and not at all about whether they would be attractive to me (or good for me). Which is the wrong time to be putting all kinds of expectations on the stupid thing -- and yet we do!

oh, i think you meant liiiike like, i was just talking about like.

if you get me.

Yeah, isn't that just life, though? Worry all the time "will I please this man, how do I please this man" etc. etc. and never actually think that whether they're actually gonna be pleasing us.

uh why date someone you don't know you like to begin with though? -darraghmac
are you asking why date someone from just knowing their internet dating profile basically?

dating is so mindbogglingly complicated
maybe it's okay to advocate for beer?

xpost - haha, i don't do that!

(....perhaps this is a factor in why i am usually single though!)

I used to have a rule that required drinking to take place on at least the first two dates; sobriety and/or daytime plans not allowed until at least #3. Usually didn't get to #3, though, for a variety of reasons.