The Vagaries of Dating The Vagaries of Dating

yes

uhh the internet deleted my poems. they were on an older version of poetry.com apparently

plz find

also, submit them to ilx in poll form

I kind of agree w ljub (maybe I'd use fewer verys), even if you or some person on the internet thinks it's crazy (OH NOES). But then, that's part of why it's easier just to not date.

Hanging out w people asking all the "right" questions about them and fielding their "right" questions about you while you sort of grope around blindly for what kind of person the other person is without promising anything that you aren't sure you mean just seems like a shit-ton of work and completely tedious -- esp if you're not attracted to them originally, like if you thought you should give that person a chance in case they surprise you or something. So pretty much the really small number of people I would be excited about meeting up with, I'm already say 85% sure I'm interested in.

xp The last time I told a guy on a date (a blind internet date, no less!) that I didn't think we should see each other romantically, he cried and we both had to get up and leave right away.

― that stupid-ass cannibal pen-pal of yours (Laurel), Thursday, October 8, 2009 5:03 PM (36 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

ok i definitely dont mean "go out with people you're not attracted to" -- thats dumb. but i thought she meant, like, ppl that she already was somewhat interested in beyond that

Maybe that line you were talking about is just set at a higher point of "interested".

But even if you might like them, dating is a giant bore? Maybe you have to like the idea of getting to know people.

like if you thought you should give that person a chance in case they surprise you or something. So pretty much the really small number of people I would be excited about meeting up with, I'm already say 85% sure I'm interested in.

^^^ this.

deej, you're right that I could make an excuse at any time and get out. But I know within 5 minutes of meeting someone whether I'm potentially interested in them romantically. That sounds like I think it's a good thing, but I don't - I'd rather have the nice potential of falling for them later, after 10 or 20 dates! It's just the way I am... it certainly does restrict the number of relationships I have. Within 2-3 dates I'm generally head over heels for them or know I won't ever be. Maybe I could change this with effort! - but something tells me I just know: yes or no. And of course it's usually no, since people don't go around falling for other people all over the place. It'd be chaos.

I like the idea of getting to know people, but I hate the idea of leading them on when I know it's 'no'... I think internet dating is good for me for that reason - I can't second-guess too much whether I like them romantically or not till I get there.

Ljubjana I've always been exactly the same way so you're def not alone in that.

It is kind of a relief that you and Laurel are the same way. I was starting to think I was just wired up funny.

Meanwhile, my ex, if you can call him that, well, my ex-person-I-was-seeing, has sent me a novel that he says reminds him of me. I *never* read this kind of novel (kinda chick-histo-lit: The Gurnsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society). Just the title screams 'NO' to me. He sent a nice card with it though. Also two Weakerthans CD copies that I told him I did not want.

er, Guernsey.

Yeah no I totally relate to everything you wrote. It's also why I was never really into casual dating. I just never saw the point of dating someone I wasn't into and the ppl I was into I wanted more than just a casual thing with.

Thing is, getting to know someone can turn a "maybe" into a "yes" but I don't think it can ever turn a "nope, never" into a yes. (Except with the magical addition of alcohol which can turn Yog-Sothoth into a yes on a bad day)

I'm inclined to think alcohol solves every problem. Except the one I'm in right now, Ow

I do love alcohol. But to me, dating is the opposite of fun. What's FUN is when hit that point where both people are interested to some degree, and then you start the tacit negotiations and one-ups-manship about how things are going to go. But that's useless until there's an actual investment -- otherwise you're not putting anything on the table.

I wouldn't know, I have never had a girlfriend :(

Where did this myth come from that dating was supposed to be FUN? Honestly, I believe that first dates are used as a form of torture on political prisoners.

Dating was branded 'fun' when people realized there's a good deal of money in it. So that must have been ages ago.

dating is fun if you like both people involved

^sounds like a threesome date

What a disaster for the self-depreciative

xp

Even back in the long lost days when people I was actually attracted to might express interest in dating me, I still hated dating. Hated the nerves, hated the not knowing, hated the kind of fluttering sick to your stomach feeling. It's kind of like it was almost better when you didn't liiiike the person so you could just concentrate on getting drunk and enjoying the evening rather than worrying about whether you were coming across a total arse in front of someone you were really attracted to.

Hated the nerves, hated the not knowing, hated the kind of fluttering sick to your stomach feeling

this is the fun part

You pest.

Yeah, okay, dating nerves are a GOOD kind of nervous, compared to all the things that could actually be wrong. But you should probably actually like the other person first, before you get nervous about them. Up til then, it's really not worth your stressing about -- but it's sooo tempting to start stressing long before then.

uh why date someone you don't know you like to begin with though?

What's FUN is when hit that point where both people are interested to some degree, and then you start the tacit negotiations and one-ups-manship about how things are going to go. .

― that stupid-ass cannibal pen-pal of yours (Laurel), Friday, 9 October 2009 13:16

ooof
not fun

dating is so mindbogglingly complicated

i've had 2 sorts of dating nerves - nerves because i don't like the other person that much (in which case, perhaps a bad idea to go out with them at all, but sometimes it's hard to mae up your mind on the spot), and nerves because i really like them - and also a complete lack of any anxiety because i really don't care either way! the last is the only time dating's actually been FUN just because i had so little invested in it, but it's rare (at least for me) to like someone enough to go out with them repeatedly but not enough to worry about them.

xp to darra: I don't, but deej said "well, if i only dated ppl i was already into, i would be dating a hell of a lot less often & be meeting v. few interesting people, be many friends shorter & two relationships shorter than i am now."

And then Kate later observed "It's kind of like it was almost better when you didn't liiiike the person so you could just concentrate on getting drunk and enjoying the evening rather than worrying about whether you were coming across a total arse in front of someone you were really attracted to."

Which made me think that when I've gotten really nervous about dates, it was 100% concern for being attractive enough for the other person, and not at all about whether they would be attractive to me (or good for me). Which is the wrong time to be putting all kinds of expectations on the stupid thing -- and yet we do!

oh, i think you meant liiiike like, i was just talking about like.

if you get me.

Yeah, isn't that just life, though? Worry all the time "will I please this man, how do I please this man" etc. etc. and never actually think that whether they're actually gonna be pleasing us.

uh why date someone you don't know you like to begin with though? -darraghmac
are you asking why date someone from just knowing their internet dating profile basically?

dating is so mindbogglingly complicated
maybe it's okay to advocate for beer?

xpost - haha, i don't do that!

(....perhaps this is a factor in why i am usually single though!)

I used to have a rule that required drinking to take place on at least the first two dates; sobriety and/or daytime plans not allowed until at least #3. Usually didn't get to #3, though, for a variety of reasons.

"used to" - not a good rule?

i am a fan of daytime plans for first dates, actually, they feel lower pressure to me. harder to schedule though.

Boy is this thread reminding me how very thankful I am to be out of the "dating" thing.

I kind of feel exactly the same way but for completely the opposite reason.

dating is so mindbogglingly complicated
maybe it's okay to advocate for beer?

― I'm the best maaaayne, I did it (CaptainLorax), Friday, 9 October 2009 14:56 (3 minutes ago) Bookma

in my case, beery dates usually result in bad beery seksu

but in line with the cliche, i actually do like people better when drinking, and this is BAD! because eventually you'll spend time with them sober and be like "what was i thinking?"

Yeah, it's way too easy to go into one of those drunken first dates with someone you don't actually like, get slaughtered and your desperation to prove that you can still get laid kind of overrides any sort of caution.

And the dude never calls you again because your putting out on the first date means you were easy, so then you end up feeling rejected by him when really you should have rejected him out of hand - which you would have done had you been sober.

(not that that has EVER happened to me, mind you, oh no, never ever)

...but hey, at least you got laid. ;-)

Maria, "used to" = I haven't been on a date in over a year, and before that little interlude, it was probably another 2-3 years.

Yeah, it's way too easy to go into one of those drunken first dates with someone you don't actually like, get slaughtered and your desperation to prove that you can still get laid you are desirable to men and therefore have value kind of overrides any sort of caution.

And the dude never calls you again because your putting out on the first date means you were easy people with nothing but "desirability" going for them are really boring, so then you end up feeling rejected by him when really you should have rejected him out of hand - which you would have done had you been sober.

Did you never have the desire to JUST. GET. LAID. ?

Especially while very drunk? That you give up caring about relationships and soul mates and dating and all that crap, and you really just want to be naked and holding someone?

And it's not always entirely about "proving your value" by being desired, sometimes it's just that god damned skin hunger?

i think that depends on whether you're feeling more lonely or horny when you start drinking, tbh. either way it's not really something i'm comfortable with but i very much understand the urge.

Nope, I'm great at squashing that -- too much trouble in the long run, what with the awkwardness the next day & having to explain to people that you're just friends, and all that stuff. I mean, does it make me crazy? Totally. But I have an excellent track record in hardly ever acting on it (whether that is actually "excellent" is still TBD).

Hrmm. Back when I still used to "date" the only times I would be bothered with trying to meet people/going on dates would be when I was feeling lonely and/or horny so there might be something to that.

But honestly, dating is such hard work I can't imagine any other reason for wanting to do it.

Maybe you have to like the idea of getting to know people.

― that stupid-ass cannibal pen-pal of yours (Laurel), Thursday, October 8, 2009 5:46 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

yeah this is pretty key.

for myself, if i meet someone who's into to me, i definitely don't know if i want to pursue anything with them after the first five minutes or the first date. i think i get overly excited that a date went well at all, and it takes a few days (max of 2 weeks) to see if i get annoyed with them or if it might go somewhere.

kate - part of the motivation is just not having very many single friends! but i try to remind myself not to get in the mindset of looking for a warm body to even up the numbers, 'cause that is just not nice.