The Vagaries of Dating The Vagaries of Dating

What's FUN is when hit that point where both people are interested to some degree, and then you start the tacit negotiations and one-ups-manship about how things are going to go. .

― that stupid-ass cannibal pen-pal of yours (Laurel), Friday, 9 October 2009 13:16

ooof
not fun

dating is so mindbogglingly complicated

i've had 2 sorts of dating nerves - nerves because i don't like the other person that much (in which case, perhaps a bad idea to go out with them at all, but sometimes it's hard to mae up your mind on the spot), and nerves because i really like them - and also a complete lack of any anxiety because i really don't care either way! the last is the only time dating's actually been FUN just because i had so little invested in it, but it's rare (at least for me) to like someone enough to go out with them repeatedly but not enough to worry about them.

xp to darra: I don't, but deej said "well, if i only dated ppl i was already into, i would be dating a hell of a lot less often & be meeting v. few interesting people, be many friends shorter & two relationships shorter than i am now."

And then Kate later observed "It's kind of like it was almost better when you didn't liiiike the person so you could just concentrate on getting drunk and enjoying the evening rather than worrying about whether you were coming across a total arse in front of someone you were really attracted to."

Which made me think that when I've gotten really nervous about dates, it was 100% concern for being attractive enough for the other person, and not at all about whether they would be attractive to me (or good for me). Which is the wrong time to be putting all kinds of expectations on the stupid thing -- and yet we do!

oh, i think you meant liiiike like, i was just talking about like.

if you get me.

Yeah, isn't that just life, though? Worry all the time "will I please this man, how do I please this man" etc. etc. and never actually think that whether they're actually gonna be pleasing us.

uh why date someone you don't know you like to begin with though? -darraghmac
are you asking why date someone from just knowing their internet dating profile basically?

dating is so mindbogglingly complicated
maybe it's okay to advocate for beer?

xpost - haha, i don't do that!

(....perhaps this is a factor in why i am usually single though!)

I used to have a rule that required drinking to take place on at least the first two dates; sobriety and/or daytime plans not allowed until at least #3. Usually didn't get to #3, though, for a variety of reasons.

"used to" - not a good rule?

i am a fan of daytime plans for first dates, actually, they feel lower pressure to me. harder to schedule though.

Boy is this thread reminding me how very thankful I am to be out of the "dating" thing.

I kind of feel exactly the same way but for completely the opposite reason.

dating is so mindbogglingly complicated
maybe it's okay to advocate for beer?

― I'm the best maaaayne, I did it (CaptainLorax), Friday, 9 October 2009 14:56 (3 minutes ago) Bookma

in my case, beery dates usually result in bad beery seksu

but in line with the cliche, i actually do like people better when drinking, and this is BAD! because eventually you'll spend time with them sober and be like "what was i thinking?"

Yeah, it's way too easy to go into one of those drunken first dates with someone you don't actually like, get slaughtered and your desperation to prove that you can still get laid kind of overrides any sort of caution.

And the dude never calls you again because your putting out on the first date means you were easy, so then you end up feeling rejected by him when really you should have rejected him out of hand - which you would have done had you been sober.

(not that that has EVER happened to me, mind you, oh no, never ever)

...but hey, at least you got laid. ;-)

Maria, "used to" = I haven't been on a date in over a year, and before that little interlude, it was probably another 2-3 years.

Yeah, it's way too easy to go into one of those drunken first dates with someone you don't actually like, get slaughtered and your desperation to prove that you can still get laid you are desirable to men and therefore have value kind of overrides any sort of caution.

And the dude never calls you again because your putting out on the first date means you were easy people with nothing but "desirability" going for them are really boring, so then you end up feeling rejected by him when really you should have rejected him out of hand - which you would have done had you been sober.

Did you never have the desire to JUST. GET. LAID. ?

Especially while very drunk? That you give up caring about relationships and soul mates and dating and all that crap, and you really just want to be naked and holding someone?

And it's not always entirely about "proving your value" by being desired, sometimes it's just that god damned skin hunger?

i think that depends on whether you're feeling more lonely or horny when you start drinking, tbh. either way it's not really something i'm comfortable with but i very much understand the urge.

Nope, I'm great at squashing that -- too much trouble in the long run, what with the awkwardness the next day & having to explain to people that you're just friends, and all that stuff. I mean, does it make me crazy? Totally. But I have an excellent track record in hardly ever acting on it (whether that is actually "excellent" is still TBD).

Hrmm. Back when I still used to "date" the only times I would be bothered with trying to meet people/going on dates would be when I was feeling lonely and/or horny so there might be something to that.

But honestly, dating is such hard work I can't imagine any other reason for wanting to do it.

Maybe you have to like the idea of getting to know people.

― that stupid-ass cannibal pen-pal of yours (Laurel), Thursday, October 8, 2009 5:46 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

yeah this is pretty key.

for myself, if i meet someone who's into to me, i definitely don't know if i want to pursue anything with them after the first five minutes or the first date. i think i get overly excited that a date went well at all, and it takes a few days (max of 2 weeks) to see if i get annoyed with them or if it might go somewhere.

kate - part of the motivation is just not having very many single friends! but i try to remind myself not to get in the mindset of looking for a warm body to even up the numbers, 'cause that is just not nice.

Jordan, when I was dating a lot, I'd give everyone the benefit of the doubt and be encouraging and excited about meeting them...but this only seemed to make boys think I was "into" them, as opposed to just, y'know, willing to get to know them. After a while, I got the feeling they thought the pursuit was over and lost interest from that point -- sometimes even after many weeks of flirting & correspondence leading up to the date (lol internet dating).

It's possible that I'm just boring and ugly, but somehow I doubt that was the determining factor. It definitely seemed like being nice to guys made them think they had it in the bag, and then they went off to flirt with someone else instead.

I told a friend last night that I sort of have a crush on a girl we kinda know who is 7ish years younger than me (the girl I mentioned up thread). He said something like "if she wasn't 11ish years younger than me I would date her". He said I'm in the clear. However he did bring up a mistake I made when I first met her. She told me her name and I said "I don't mean to be rude but I used to have a dog with that name (lol) but she was named after a human". Anyways that mistake was probably bigger than I previously thought since my friend did bring it up to me like it was worse than I thought.

However, if I did ever date this girl I would feel confident because I already know I can be brutally honest about some things without really upsetting her (she didn't get angry when I said she shared the same name as my previous dog - then again I wasn't trying to date her). She does seem like a really kind person who doesn't get upset easily.

The other reason why I would feel confident if I dated her is because I am older than her.

The only times I have been confident to the point where I can say anything on a date have been dates with girls in which I end up deciding that I'm just not that interested in them. It's great to be able to say anything on a date, it's great to have confidence, it's great to not be 100% focused on having to impress... but I imagine that being overly-casual and confident could actually set off the wrong signals (like I'm not that interested in you signal) which just goes to show how dating can be mind-boggling complicated. There was times when I would have loved to appear more casual and confident on a date. I'm glad I addressed this issue because now I know I probably shouldn't be overly confident the next time I go dating. However, I'll still keep things pretty casual.

so that's my vagarie and this time it's not in the form of a question

------------------------------ - - -

maybe if a girl is overly nice (and some other things) she may accidentally fall into the category of being boring... which may make her think she that she is plain/ugly.

I'm gonna go ahead and say that I probably wouldn't be dating someone in the first place if I thought she looked really plain or ugly so what you look like shouldn't really be a worry during a series of dates.

I'm reminded of a king creosote lyric from a great song I heard yesterday:

Saffy Nool
You're growing old
You're growing tense
I was past 35 before my face made much sense
It means nothing
It means nothing

youtube.. unfortunately it's only okay sound quality for what is really a great song

Ummm girls if you are worried that you are ugly and that is why you haven't been dating lately just remember that ugly is a lot rarer than you think. Also there are people out there that love any type of girl (I have an old post somewhere about girls that look like short_hair_glasses_nerdchick.gif)

how the fuck are you still posting and LJ is on his like 3rd suggest ban

Slow down, Lorax, you're losing your touch...maybe it's the layer of cotton terrycloth between you and your work?

I was trying to reply to It's possible that I'm just boring and ugly, but somehow I doubt that was the determining factor. and I ended up having a lot of explaining to do

"oh you know, my apologies for whatever, you see I'm learning to control myself better" - Grifters - 'My Apology'
I has a present for you laurel (I hope you are a girl)
http://rlv.zcache.com/cute_girls_name_laurel_t_shirt-p235201655355656257ykp9_400.jpg

Is this possible? He said he likes the Grateful Dead, so I probably shouldn't overestimate him in any other regard? Forgive me, I don't keep track of who suspects whom of being a sock these days.

I am not a sock but I have seen a sock defend some good socks in my time

oh man I got drunk last night and danced with two nerdy girls and I had no intentions of getting them in the sack
I feel both ashamed and happy when I ask a girl what her name is and she is like "I told you before". She remembers me :p

You feel "happy" that a girl thinks you're kind of douche for not remembering her name?

No that's the part I'm ashamed of. I'm happy that she probably remembered my name (and no, I don't think she remembered it because I was a douche)

It just so happens that I am very polite around the ladies. I asked permission to read her shirt because I didnt want it to look like I was staring at her boobs

...and yet another "dating" thread is gonna have 200 new answers and be locked by tomorrow morning because of Lorax and Loraxbaiters. Great.

I wish there were a way to "suggest ban from thread"...

xp How do you not get what my friend Yana calls "five across the lips" every time you leave the house? Amazing.

dnftt

Did you never have the desire to JUST. GET. LAID. ?

Especially while very drunk? That you give up caring about relationships and soul mates and dating and all that crap, and you really just want to be naked and holding someone?

And it's not always entirely about "proving your value" by being desired, sometimes it's just that god damned skin hunger?

to answer the last non-rhetorical question posed in this thread. yes.

"what's your name?" "i already told you" conversations crack me up, because i've been on both sides. really bad if they happen the next day though, because at that point it's not funny anymore.

unenthusiastic before today's encounter, less enthusiastic afterward. which is a shame, because she's a really sweet girl, bright, very cute and, for whatever reason, at least a bit into me. not following up on this because she's "too nice" feels really shitty but it's pretty much all i've got at the moment. maybe it's more complicated than that and i'm just not smart enough to figure myself out.

where are all the assertive, fesity ilx-type girls irl pls?

(not meant to sound sleazy t/w ilx's female contingent btw)

she might just be being nice to begin with - because it's more socially acceptable - she could be a total domineering bitch, and you would totally be missing out.

Never go on first impressions. People think I am pretty feisty and assertive (in real life) but underneath that is one insecure woman. Like Sarahel says, she may appear nice, but there's bound to be more. :-)

My friend Maria - who is really smart and perceptive about people, and has a really good perspective on things - said, that the first three months - people are trying to put forward the best impression of themselves, and that after that is when you get to really know them.

i dunno, i think first impressions are more accurate than not. we know more by instinct than we recognize. if you aren't into her now it is not right to take up her time while you figure out if you might be months from now. because you probably won't.

well, yeah - if the first impression isn't all that great - after the "cracks" show a few months in, you'll probably be less interested.