The Vagaries of Dating The Vagaries of Dating

well, yeah - if the first impression isn't all that great - after the "cracks" show a few months in, you'll probably be less interested.

three months? really? That sounds exhausting.

most of my relationships have collapsed around the three month mark so there must be something to that theory but you have to at least want to be there that long, right? where does instinct fall into all of this?

xxxpost (pre-goole)

by the three month mark the cracks are beginning to show - some people can hold out longer than others.

My instincts are totally dulled - I'm just getting out of an 11 year relationship - I have no fucking clue.

i dunno, i think first impressions are more accurate than not. we know more by instinct than we recognize. if you aren't into her now it is not right to take up her time while you figure out if you might be months from now. because you probably won't.

No. You always try to adjust "wrong" signals (that do not correspond with your first impression). Once you have set an impression, you're bound to stick to that, instead of re-evaluating your impression to signals that do not correspond with it. Of course if your first impression is a rather negative one, you won't flip to the other side all that easily.

Sarahel, most splits are around the ten year mark. I read this. Since knowing this, I tend to look for the engraving for any wedding bands we buy. Of course not when the person (selling his ring for scrap gold) is in front of me. hah. Can you just picture it? "OH MAN YOU ARE TOTALLY A CLICHE!" Once I bought a wedding band... when checking I suddenly burst out: "He isn't married yet!" Apparently they had a fight. A few days later they asked if they could buy it again cause they were going through with the marriage anyway. LOL

Here we go again, with a much more promising start and a bit less head-over-heelsness and just lots of nice warm feelings instead, and the whole business *still* sets my cortisol levels to 'stun'. I really need to learn to relax and enjoy this and stop over-analysing.

amazingly enough, I am pretty much at this^^^^^^^^^^^ stage myself w/ someone

That's great! I am not amazed, you seem like someone who would get to that place with someone else.

that place does include levels of the whole business *still* sets my cortisol levels to 'stun'. I really need to learn to relax and enjoy this and stop over-analysing, let's be clear here

don't want to sicken anyone, but still kinda feel like this after ~5 years tbh

I was going to say, "~19 years tbh"

Bleurgh...

I agree hah.

I had a steady partner from 2003-2007 and then another from 2007 to just recently, I havent HAD to think about dating in almost 8 years.

The thought makes me ill. Sure, the first bit is fun. But then they find out what I'm actually like and it all goes down hill.

that's....not really the spirit tbh.

enjoy having control of the tv for a little while, it's the kind of thing i find myself fantasising over these days

Well it will be nice not having to listen to Autechre every second day :/

Ha! My thang is with a fan of industrial and electronica and electroclash. He has already spun me many of his faves even though I have told him I like Belle and Sebastian.

i was trying to imagine what would sit in between those two poles and my brain thought of postal service and i made myself sad

'S ok, I also like some Dark Wave stuff, except I never knew what it was called. That makes everything ok apparently.

Wow, I read the whole thread up to 7 months ago, and I can't stay awake. Interesting stuff. I discovered that I have a great skill for crafting the post-1st-date "I didn't feel the connection I'm looking for" email that seems to be fail-proof.

NB: I think it is not OK at all to break up over email, so I have only used this post-1st-date (or 2nd). Which seems to be my max anyway.

But yeh, I'm good at being a rejector! (But DAMNNNNN I'm bad at being rejected.)

But I know within 5 minutes of meeting someone whether I'm potentially interested in them romantically.

Yep. Though I keep an open mind and sometimes things go better than expected, but the first impression is pretty reliable for me.

With this one, it was this slower burn thing. I am liking that a lot more than 'BAM you are wonderful but I don't actually know you at all'

yeah I am thinking that the latter is what I keep doing incl. in this instance but it's ok I'll pull back and be in her band or something maybe

but yeah I am probably going to quit OKCupid because that BAM etc thing is what that website does

I try to comprehend how it is possible to date without wondering from the very first meeting, "What is this? Where are we going?" It's like a fish imagining something other than life in the water. What is the point of dating otherwise? And what do you think instead of those questions??

Maybe i'm just crazy but shouldn't the initial questions be "Who are you?" and "Do we get along?"

I'm exaggerating, of course, but as we sort of touched on earlier, "do we get along?" is pretty well settled in the first few minutes.

Seriously feel like I'll never have a meaningful relationship ever again. It's so depressing, and can't even explain it, just suddenly realised how little faith I have. I don't even feel down on myself for any specific reason, just feel down that despite things going well in life and me getting along easily with people I can't even imagine meeting someone. Hurts if I think about it.

Sorry slight derail but not as downer as it may sound.

I've been feeling like that since R left me, too. Mainly because I've not been single in a long time and I'm getting a little older (I know I dont look it, but if I meet a guy who likes me in their 20s what am I meant to say? "oh btw I'm actually 39, yeah lol sorry... uh ok bye").

Bums me out a bit. So for now I'm just gonna have mindless crushes and pretend nothing's wrong :/

Jesse can you post that letter in handy fill-in-the-blanks style plz? I have a habit of getting in a date or two too deep with people I like and think are cool but, y'know...

trayce, um...ljubljana is more or less a similar age to you and she doesn't really seem to care, just rolls w/ it. sounds blase but don't give up hope!!

ronan...i dunno what to say really. it's not a fear i share although i DO realise it'll have to be someone freakin' special for it to really work. probably this is the case with you too? a nice woman will sweep you off your feet when you least expect it. at least keep going :)

I do roll with the OKC dating, but for me that's easier than meeting someone IRL by far. Maybe because I'm a crap flirt. Trayce gets actual IRL approaches, which I would prefer! As for age, I'm 38 and my okc prefs are set to 35-45. But clearly, younger is not a bad thing. I am just a fusty oldie at heart.

Also, I have spent much more time single than in a relationship. I think it's harder coming out of something serious.

Oh I get approaches but theyre quite often from friends who are erm.. how can I put this politely... well there's a reason why theyre 45 and perpetually single?

And that is not at all what I'm looking for (creepy roleplayers, computer nerds and old goths, I'm looking at YOU).

Ronan, I think you said somewhere upthread that you were having one of those 'how can anyone know me if I don't know myself' times. I read this at the time and it resonated like a fucking great gong, about a week before I met someone who is probably the most similar-thinking person to me I've ever dated. (Note to self: this does not mean you can get over-excited or that it will work out).

Local Garda - I think I understand exactly how you feel. The last 2 or 3 months my attitude has changed a lot, but for almost every day since mid- 2002 I felt like there was no hope for possibly ever finding someone for even a half-assed relationship, much less something meaningful and maybe satisfying. It wasn't even that I was despairing - I just kind of knew that was reality.

In the past few months I have felt differently and I have gone on a few dates, on which I have adopted a different - hopefully better - perspective.

rogermexico, are you saying that you just keep seeing the person out of inertia?

not at all! more that i don't take the trouble to separate "i think you're really neat and fun to hang out with" from "i think we should be fooling around now" until date three or so, and I'm hoping for the form letter because I hate hate hate the "so you are awesome but it's not making an audible click is it?" conversation. even if it leaves everyone with plenty of opportunities to save face it makes me feel worse than having someone break things off with me.

i've had a string of these lately -- perfectly excellent people who should have much better things to do with their time than waste it on me, whose attention i should be glad to have, etc etc -- and it's just been a bit depressing. so the form letter would be helpful but even more so would be the ability to see it coming before the second date.

Etiquette question.

Seen this bloke 5 times. I'm seriously interested, I think he is too. (trying not to jinx this here...)

Saw him last on Sunday. He is currently away and gets back Friday, late. By then I'll have friends staying. They're here a week. Then I go away till the following Monday - so, two-week hiatus.

At this very delicate stage, do I invite him out with me and my visiting friends? (Friends are a couple - they are relaxed friendly people). It seems really presumptious about how things are going for me to ask him to join us one night, but maybe I'm just being silly? Instinct is not to ask.

Good lord, of course ask him along with your friends! Why wouldnt you?

ask him imo

what yes of course god

imo bringing someone into yr circle of friends is a really nice way of saying "hey I like and trust you here's my mates btw lets all hang".

But thats just me.

Meanwhile I have decided I will only date people I've gotten to know over reasonable periods of time IRL. Screw this online dating lark. RIP the OKCupid thread; ljub's about to get w/ The One, I'm retiring from active service and Lorax will just have to lump it

You are quitting OKC because of the 'Bam' factor? or other reasons too?

xposts oooh really?! I am liking this advice!

The reason I was worried about asking was sending an 'I want this to be a thing' signal too early. But I guess it's not really too early.

It isn't. I'm not quitting, just scaling my profile right back and making it clear I don't want to meet people from there. But the 'BAM' factor I've actually quoted in my profile, such was your glorious instance of pealing OTM

i wouldn't meet anyone from an internet dating site that would have me as a member etc

I hate hate hate the "so you are awesome but it's not making an audible click is it?" conversation. even if it leaves everyone with plenty of opportunities to save face it makes me feel worse than having someone break things off with me.

I used to, too, so I either kept on seeing the person or - far, far more commonly - passively cut things off by not being available for future dates or by ignoring calls. These were terrible things to do because I know they were offensive and hurtful to the other person (I've been on the receiving end of this sort behavior since then) and because I felt terrible about myself for doing it.

I thought back, and a couple times a guy has told me, "I didn't feel a romantic connection (or chemistry, or whatever)" and in those instances, I was like, OK, cool. Then I put two and two together and realized that I, too could take this route!

Of the guys I've said this to, a couple are still friends, and one is a fuck-buddy. Only one got weird about it, saying "You seemed like a jerk anyway." The others responded that they agreed.

It just feels like doing the right and mature thing to be straightforward like this and others seem to appreciate it. It's like I learned a new magic trick!

This this this! I really can't stand cut 'n run types. The sudden stopping of calls, emails, the lack of enthusiasm when you do see them. I've had male friends outright admit "I just stopped talking to her and hoped she'd get the hint".

THAT IS JUST UNACCEPTABLY, HORRIBLY CUNTISH. MAN UP YOU LOT.

imo it's definitely the right thing to do, and I do it, and as you say results are typically positive. I just hate it and want your form letter ;-)

This is going to sound disgustingly earnest, but if you want a template for the good "no chemistry" letter, just write from the heart. Say what you mean.

Blurgh. While I really feel like the "form letter" is something I actually understand right now and I want to talk about it b/c it's part of a huge, uh, breakthrough(?) for me, I am about to be maudlin and gross. My boss' dog died today - this dog came in every single day and I've known her for 3 years and walked her and dog-sat her very often. I'm unable to sleep, despite I had 2 Tecates. :(

On a positive note, I went to the Thr3adl3ss retail store today and talked to a really cute guy who totally gives me the eye when I go in there, and I got his number. I'm proud of myself, and also amused/appalled at how fucking shy, silly, and goofy I get sometimes.

thanks for the advice guys...I guess the thing is I feel like I could fuck up any potentially good relationship before it starts, and when someone 100 per cent likes me and I know I'm in control I end it at that point because I find it boring. After a while it starts to feel like your "type" is people who aren't attracted to you.

Then you think maybe that means you actually don't want a relationship.

And yeah i'm sort of unsure of which person I would be in one. I live a strange life in that I feel like at work I am one of the most enthusiastic and positive people in a really positive environment. At home sort of the opposite.

What I find weird is when you start to question whether your personality is one that is conducive to relationships. Like for all I know how I behave or who I am could be the problem, despite the fact I feel confident and feel like I can get to know people well...I guess just have to keep ploughing on regardless!

After a while it starts to feel like your "type" is people who aren't attracted to you.

Totally. (Though for a while this was actually true - when I was after straight men....)