Dear X, blah blah blah. Love, Z

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Dear Dude That Just Robbed Me At Work,

Passing your concealed handgun license across the desk with a note that said "give me the cash drawer" was a clever way to make sure I knew about your weapon without having to brandish it in the lobby. You may not have actually had a gun, but our policy of only keeping $400 in the drawer (and our handbook which directs us to hand over the drawer without incident when being robbed) means you didn't make off with much anyway. I was going to spend this afternoon listening to Mingus and downloading Season 4 of The Wire with some beerz, but now I've got to spend it filling out police reports. But hey, you didn't wave a gun in my face or anything, which is better than I can say for the last time I got robbed. So thanks for that at least.

love,

hoosteen

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Sunday, 1 April 2007 19:08 (seventeen years ago) link

now I've got to spend it filling out ~~police~~incident reports & talking to police

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Sunday, 1 April 2007 19:09 (seventeen years ago) link

The robber handed you a piece of identification?! Not too clever.

― Rock Hardy, Sunday, 1 April 2007 19:15 (seventeen years ago) link

Indeed.

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Sunday, 1 April 2007 19:16 (seventeen years ago) link

Now I'm off to go fill shit out.

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Sunday, 1 April 2007 19:16 (seventeen years ago) link

Nice day for all today i see hoosteen

― Jibe, Sunday, 1 April 2007 19:28 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear dude that punched me in the face for no reason,

I thought it was nice of you that you tried to help me and my friends make a group of ten guys who were looking for a fight go away, but why did you punch me just after? Thanks for the 2 hours i spent at the hospital this morning, thanks for the appointment to the dentist that i'll have to make tomorrow, thanks for making it impossible to eat. Also, thanks for the useless complaint i'll have to hand over to the police tomorrow.

Love,
Jibe

― Jibe, Sunday, 1 April 2007 19:32 (seventeen years ago) link

dear [debt collectors, other debt collectors, repo men, cousins who remember i owe them $$, sallie mae, verizon, wamu, electric company, gas company, ladwp, netflix, kaiser permenente, insurance co., directtv, visa, chase bank, toyota, landlord, et. al.,]

honestly, i'd pay you if i could.

i really would.

how hard is it to understand that i'm totally broke?

i'm not gonna live outta the corolla for another two months so i can pay you some punitive back fees. not yet, anyway. you really need to fucking stop harassing me. i'm getting an ulcer, and experience anxiety attacks every time the phone rings. i can't pay the rent, i'm ever-depressed re. $$$, and doubt i will be able to make it to september without knocking over a texaco.

love

me

― remy bean, Sunday, 1 April 2007 19:36 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear elderly neighbours in my block,

Sorry for arriving home with two friends at 4am yesterday morning and drunkenly shouting from my balcony "I LOVE HAVING TWO BALLS IN MY MOUTH" whilst eating leftover meatballs. What is it about alcohol that leads me to believe I am a comedian? I do apologise for disturbing your slumber and I will try not to let it happen again.

Yours sincerely
Not Really a Dirty Bitch

P.S. - With a 4 day long weekend on the horizon I can't promise there won't be hijinks, but I will at least lower the volume this time.

― Hard like armour, Monday, 2 April 2007 00:47 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear remy,

I really hope you will manage ok. I wish I could wire you some money or something and help out. Youre a lovely guy and I hate to see friends on hard times :(

love
Trayce

― Trayce, Monday, 2 April 2007 00:51 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Remy,

We don't know each other, but ditto Trayce's sentiment. Sorry I didn't read your post more closely and posted such a flippant letter after yours. Best of luck with fending of those f*cking vultures.

Yours
HLA

― Hard like armour, Monday, 2 April 2007 01:10 (seventeen years ago) link

dear remy,

do you really need direct tv and netflix?

love, me

― jeff, Monday, 2 April 2007 01:33 (seventeen years ago) link

dear jeff,

no. but i have outstanding bills to pay to those companies.

:(

remy.

― remy bean, Monday, 2 April 2007 02:20 (seventeen years ago) link

dear remy,

can you join a debt consolidation service so you'll only get ONE harrassing phone call a month?

-g.b.

― get bent, Monday, 2 April 2007 02:27 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Hoos -

Goddamn, I woulda thought your joint wasn't full of that kind of bullshit. That seems more the specialty of the place up the block. Anyway, good to hear you're doing ok.

PS - Got a portable? I can probably save you a lot of downloading trouble.

― Oilyrags, Monday, 2 April 2007 02:33 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear friends,

I don't know what came over me yesterday, but I hope you were more drunk than I was and therefore can't really remember. Let's pretend nothing happened. I'll start!

-Me

― Maria, Monday, 2 April 2007 02:47 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Curtis

I also hope you're gonna be ok. Everything in its right place :)

love
Trayce

― Trayce, Monday, 2 April 2007 02:49 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Me,

YOU ARE A FUCKING AWESOME SINGER.

xoxoxo,
Your Gigantic Fuckoff Ego

― HI DERE, Monday, 2 April 2007 03:31 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear YSI,

FUCK YOU, IT'S MY OWN SONG, UPLOAD IT

xoxoxo,
FUCK YOU

― HI DERE, Monday, 2 April 2007 13:30 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Morrissey,

I have just spent a lot of money buying tickets to see you this June. Please do me a favor and be more like when I saw you at Central Park in 1996 and less like when I saw you at the Hammerstein Ballroom three months later when you threw a strop, stormed off stage and pretty much ruined the whole show. I've waited 11 long years to see you again and it would break my heart if you wind up being disappointing. You don't want that now, do you? Good, I'm glad we're in agreement here.

Kisses,

E

― ENBB, Monday, 2 April 2007 14:24 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Morrissey,

Hi, it's me again! I just realized that the aforementioned two shows were probably in 1997 not 1996. Sorry for any confusion my error my have caused you.

Yours,

E

― ENBB, Monday, 2 April 2007 14:28 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear cookies-

Please stop hanging out on top of the microwave where I can see you and smell you, all warmed up, every time I go in the kitchen to get a coffee or whatever.

Thanks,
Big Fattie Kate

― Masonic Boom, Monday, 2 April 2007 14:36 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear life where I have to sit in this gay ass office and be nice to people I don't like to make money to pay for things I don't really want or need instead of living out on the farm building cool structures and stuff with my son and grandma,

Fuck you.

Yr pal,

"Case Of The Mondays"

― nickalicious, Monday, 2 April 2007 14:38 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear College,

Thank you for letting me fulfill my "formal methods of reasoning" requirement by taking a class called "Women in Mathematics." Seriously. The last thing I wanted to do was take Calculus, or, God forbid, Kinesiology.

Thanks again,
Max

P.S. I'm gonna miss you when I graduate.

― max, Monday, 2 April 2007 15:12 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear JetBlue,

If you're going to delay a flight by 3.5 hours, could you at least be up front about it, rather than incrementally delaying it by another 15 minutes every...15 minutes, killing your passengers by inches? Also, if you're going to break my wheely suitcase, could you do it in a more spectacular manner? It's useless to me now anyway; at least I could feel like it had gone down valiantly if it bore the marks of a struggle. There's something subtly demeaning about the way it looks pristine but the handle comes off if you try to pull it anywhere.

I prefer watching tv AT HOME,
horseshoe

― horseshoe, Monday, 2 April 2007 15:15 (seventeen years ago) link

dear horseshoe,

in my experience jetblue has had great customer service -- last time i flew with them there was a long delay and they offered everyone a $50 voucher toward their next flight. i'm sure if you call them and you don't sound too douchey they'll find some way to make it up to you.

― get bent, Monday, 2 April 2007 15:32 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear lady from two buildings down,

How many handsignals for "I am in the midst of a conversation with someone over the phone right now, give me one fucking second" do I have to make before I find one that you understand?

Love,

Badass Customer Service Representative

― nickalicious, Monday, 2 April 2007 15:44 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear get bent,

That's good to know. I was too tired when I finally got my baggage to talk to anyone about it, but I will call them.

thank you!
horseshoe

Dear JetBlue,

In the interest of fairness, things I enjoyed about flying you for the first time:

1) Terra Blue chips and the way your flight attendants didn't even blink when I asked for approximately 1000 extra bags.

2) free wireless in the terminal (though that may be JFK's largesse)

3) TV (who am I trying to kid)

grudgingly,
horseshoe

― horseshoe, Monday, 2 April 2007 15:52 (seventeen years ago) link

i like the gps maps, but i think all airlines have those now.

― get bent, Monday, 2 April 2007 15:58 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Women's Fashion Industry,

Please stop with the retro 70s clothing and shoes. Also, please make women's clothing sizes make as much sense as men's sizes do. And while you're at it, please make some bras for people who have in-between cup sizes.

Thank you for your consideration,
Sara R-C

― Sara R-C, Monday, 2 April 2007 16:04 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear My Lungs,

Please stop denying oxygen whenever I have a chest cold. And while you're at it, can you stop making those whistling noises when I'm trying to sleep at night, they're quite disturbing.

Ta very much
Jason.

― Stone Monkey, Monday, 2 April 2007 16:59 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear ILX,

It's really useful you singing these paeans with your real first names, cos I'm only just realising how many of you I don't know. I was convinced Jason was a girl.

Thanks again,
Mark

― Mark C, Monday, 2 April 2007 17:04 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear lady using a yard implement the likes of which I've never seen before which looked like a circular saw on the end of a broomhandle to do lord only knows what to that space between the driveway and sidewalk which seemed to be accomplishing nothing but making a horrible, horrible metal-on-concrete grinding noise,

WTF is wrong with you.

Love,

Concerned pedestrian

― nickalicious, Monday, 2 April 2007 17:08 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Pudding and Trouble,
I know you are kitties, and that plants seem like litterboxes. But they aren't. Please stop pooping in the houseplants. I know it takes gymnastics to do so, as I have tried to place them strategically out of bounds for you poop-with-fur types to refrain from this behaviour. I appreciate that you have met all of the challenges, and plead with you to stop.
I rescued you from a drowning fate a mere nine months ago. I control the crunchies. The power is really mine, in some ways.
I love you, but...

― aimurchie, Monday, 2 April 2007 17:29 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear My Future,

AHHH!! ARGHKLJLASADASDMJKNCSDOWEIHRWHJTKJDAKLJSDHDURHFDS!!!!!

This is an accurate summation of my thoughts re: you. Please send a chill pill back in time. Or all the answers to the GRE.

UH,
Jessie

― jessie monster, Monday, 2 April 2007 17:32 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Mark C,

I think you're thinking of Surfer Stone Rosalita, who is a girl.

Cheers,

jaymc

― jaymc, Monday, 2 April 2007 18:14 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear YSI,

THANKS!

xoxoxo,
Dan

― HI DERE, Monday, 2 April 2007 18:34 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear $700 That Will Soon Be Going Towards Fixing My Brakes and Front Axle,

I hardly knew thee.

Bittersweetly,
Max

― max, Monday, 2 April 2007 18:38 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Sara R-C.

One of the major bra manufacturers (Maidenform maybe?) has in-between cups sizes, but only up to C, I think. I've seen them in Kohl's and Target.

Yours,
tr

Dearest local Italian restaurants,

Is the Godfather theme really the most appropriate song to be playing?

tr

― tokyo rosemary, Monday, 2 April 2007 18:39 (seventeen years ago) link

dear all italian-american restaurants and still-extant mid-century steakhouses:

enough with the sinatra. no disrespect to the chairman of the board, and i understand that people associate him with a particular "lifestyle" that you're hoping to emulate/evoke, but... let it go already. it's played out.

love,
girl from brooklyn who was tired of the "mafia" meme even before goodfellas came out

― get bent, Monday, 2 April 2007 18:51 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear tokyo rosemary,

Thank you for your kind help; that sounds like it might work. I will go shopping as soon as I can!

Yours,
-Sara R-C

― Sara R-C, Monday, 2 April 2007 18:55 (seventeen years ago) link

dear sara r-c,

i think the aforementioned bras are called 'just my size'. not sure who makes them, but they should be googlable.

julia

― JuliaA, Monday, 2 April 2007 19:08 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Julia,

Thanks for the additional information!

Also, my daughter shares your name.

Sincerely,
Sara R-C

― Sara R-C, Monday, 2 April 2007 19:09 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear ladies of ILX,

Please take it to the ~~webcam~~ bra size thread.

xoxoxo,
Dan

― HI DERE, Monday, 2 April 2007 19:10 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Dan,

I never knew you had such delicate sensibilities. Or whatever.

xo,
Sara R-C

― Sara R-C, Monday, 2 April 2007 19:13 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Sara (and Dan??)

I am wearing a half size bra now! I was wrong, it was Playtex.

yrs,
tr

― tokyo rosemary, Monday, 2 April 2007 19:17 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Tokyo Rosemary,

Thanks again.

Perhaps I can get Dan to babysit for me while I go shopping.

-Sara R-C

― Sara R-C, Monday, 2 April 2007 19:19 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear bra talk,

THANK YOU FOR SAVING MONDAY

xoxoxo,
Dan

― HI DERE, Monday, 2 April 2007 19:20 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear ILX ladiez,

have you guys tried racerback bras? THEY ARE AWESOME.

luv,
me

― jessie monster, Monday, 2 April 2007 19:20 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Dan,

Sure, first you're offended, then you get into it... I know your type all too well.

xo anyway,
Sara R-C

Dear Jessie Monster,

I think I have something similar to a racerback in two different colors. I like them!

luv,
Sara R-C

― Sara R-C, Monday, 2 April 2007 19:24 (seventeen years ago) link

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