Alternate endings to classic jokes

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender immediately gets rid of it.

-- musically, Thursday, January 10, 2008 10:26 PM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

ha

original punchlines to mine:

a) the cashier replies, "because you're ugly".
b) the bartender exclaims, "we have a drink named after you!". The grasshopper says, "what, Brandon?"

There was an Englishman. There was a Scotsman. There was an Irishman.

Pete walked into the room. Pete pulled his trigger. Pete split all their skulls. Pete played dominoes with their teeth.

-- James Ellrox for legal reasons, Monday, 17 June 2002 00:00 (5 years ago) Bookmark Link

wau

i can see that as an achewood strip, actually

i blew a friends' mind recently by pronouncing that comic's name like "ake-wood" because he always said "ash-wood" like jordache jeans

another friend thought it was "jord-ake" jeans because they made your jord ache

Why can't Stevie Wonder read?
Because he is blind.

How do you make a dead baby float?

Well, there would be a number of ways to lend it buoyancy, but that question is cruel and inappropriate at best.

What's the difference between Maddy McCann and jokes about Maddy McCann?

One is a missing girl, the other is a set of jokes.

Why did Bill Clinton give up playing the saxophone?

He still does it as an occasional pastime, but lately he has been dedicating great amounts of his time to the presidential campaign of his wife, Hilary, which is now in the starting stages of primary elections and caucuses. Since playing the saxophone on a late night talk show would not lend his wife the same cachet as it did in 1991 when he played it on the Arsenio Hall show to boost his public image before the elections, he has not played it in quite some time, though it waits for him in its case with a fresh set of reeds.

(Original answer: 'he was playing the whore-monica')

It's Saturday night and Superman is especially ready to party after a hard week of saving the world. So he throws on his cape and heads off to a party. Along the way, he passes Wonder Woman's penthouse suite. To his surprise, he sees through her open window that she is still at home, naked in her bed, lying on her back. Superman thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have sex with her and be gone before she knows it." So in an instant, Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies back out. At this point, Wonder Woman sits up and says, "Did you hear something?" "Yes," replies the Invisible Man, "there is something seriously wrong with that Superman".

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Boo the ghost of your dead father.

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach?
"Excuse me, may I have your autograph?"

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk are sitting in a bar. This is strange as none of them are allowed to drink alcohol.

There where three men driving down a road, all of them were tired and each of their destinations were still miles away. So all of them stop at a farmer's house and ask if they could spend the night. The farmer had a very beautfiul daughter who was still a virgin, and the farmer wanted to keep it that way. Because he was afraid that the three men would pop his daughter, he stuck razor blades up her vagina.

So the next morning, he would find out who tried to screw his virgin daughter. So at breakfast the next morning, he asked all the guys to drop their pants. The first man drops his pants and his penis falls off. The second man does the same and his penis falls off.

The third man drops his pants and his penis doesn't fall off. The farmer doesn't have to ask why though because he is bleeding profusely from the mouth.

dude priests can drink

boy can they drink

Oh right.

Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because she was trying to understand something on the label.

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she stops moving.

How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
Call the fire department and have them climb up a ladder and bring him down from there. Then probably ask how and why he was in a tree to begin with, what with the one arm and all.

A man went into a pub with a box under his arm. He approached the bar and said to the landlord "I'm sorry, mate, I haven't got any money on me, but I've got something amazing in this box. If I show it to you, will you give me a pint?". "Well, it better be really amazing," the landlord replies. The bloke opens up the box to reveal a tiny man, exactly one foot high, sat playing some highly intricate music on a miniature grand piano. "That's fucking incredible," says the landlord, "let me buy you a drink."

So he gives him a pint and they get talking. The landlord asks him how he came by this miniature pianist and the man tells him that a genie granted his wish. He produces an old lamp from his pocket and says "rub this and whisper your wish into the lamp and you'll get what you desire, too." So the landlord takes the lamp, rubs it, whispers inside and suddenly the pub is filled with a million ducks. "Brilliant," says the landlord, "that's exactly what I wanted." "Yep, me too," replies the man, "I'm certainly delighted to have this one-foot-tall piano player."

*applause*

Q: How does a bogan turn on the light during sex?
A: Gets up, operates light switch

So there's this penguin driving through Death Valley and it's a really hot day - and that's bad news for a penguin. So, the penguin is driving and saying "sheesh" a lot and wiping his brow with his flipper when the car starts acting up! Bumpity bumpity bump... "Oh great," thinks the penguin.

To his relief, there is a service station not too far ahead. He drives in, parks his car, hops out, and waddles over to the mechanic. "Can you have a look at my car, mac?" asks the penguin. "It's making a funny noise." "Sure," says the mechanic. "Sheesh," thinks the penguin. "It's so hot! I think I'll go inside to keep cool for a while."

So he waddles over and goes inside. He mooches around, flicking through magazines, killing time. He decides he'll buy an ice cream to help him cool down. Then he goes back outside to assess the car. "Sheesh," he says as he waddles back over the tarmac. "It's really hot." He's making a real mess of the ice cream, on account of it being so hot and him being a penguin and only being able to hold it with his flipper. He spills more of it on himself than he gets inside his mouth.

He makes his way back to the car and comes up to the mechanic who's leaning over the engine and frowning. The mechanic looks up at him and says, "Hmm, it looks like your catalytic converter has failed." "Aw geez," says the penguin, "I just had the damn thing replaced about a year ago."

What's yellow and dangerous?

Mustard gas

patient - "give me the good news first!"
doctor - "you've got AIDS."
p - "oh, no! what could be worse than that?"
d - "you've also got Alzheimer's Disease."

p - "dear God"
d - "i'm so sorry"

-- non-u, Tuesday, 20 April 2004 20:14 (3 years ago) Link

hahaahahaha

surprisingly hilarious thread

I just flew in from Dallas and BOY... was the food bad on that plane. I mean it was really bad. Digusting.

An Englishman, An Irishman and A Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Scotsman purchased his Irish friend (a recovering alcoholic) an orange juice as thanks for assisting him in a small duty at work.

Why are there no good jokes about Jonestown?

It's really not appropriate to joke about it. It was a terrible tragedy. Hundreds of people died, many of them children.

-- felicity (felicity), Tuesday, February 11, 2003 1:05 AM (4 years ago) Bookmark Link

hahaaa i remember stealing this as a party joke back in the day

things stolen from ilx that have probably got me laid, part 376

What did the Blonde say to the doctor?

"I've been having serious thoughts about suicide."

A bear walks into a bar. The staff and patrons panic and dive for cover under the tables. After ten minutes a team from the zoo show up and shoot it with a powerfull tranquilizer.

What's brown and sticky? Faeces.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You should get his name and report him to the main office, that was incredibly unkind and unprofessional of him.”

The jokes above remind me of these German jokes
http://www.anenglishmanscastle.com/archives/000463.html

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.'

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

these jokes are my favorites anywhere, they make me laugh way harder than real jokes

love the german jokes

How do you get four elephants in a mini?
- oh for god's sake

― Alan Trewartha, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (7 years ago)

but this is v good too

What do you get if you pour boiling water into a rabbit hole?

A visit from the RSPCA who will imply you were stunning the rabbits to use them for your sexual games... resulting in a criminal conviction.

― le gimp premiere, Thursday, 13 June 2002 00:00 (7 years ago) Bookmark

loooooooooooooooool at the timing and cadence of this

'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'

this is my default line for greeting someone I don't know

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

^_^

*knock knock*
who's there?
philip.
just a minute, i'm not wearing pants right now.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

― it's an old pantyhound, that's who (Jesse), Tuesday, April 6, 2010 2:12 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

LOL

q: what's brown and rhymes with snoop?

a: poop

What's the difference between a duck?

The difference between a duck and what? Your question is poorly framed.

"Knock knock"

"That sounds nothing like an actual knock at the door"

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

I don't even know where to begin explaining how that would not be possible.

Once there was a snail who was tired of being slow. He went out and bought a really fast sports car and had the dealer paint a big 'S' on each side of it.

Whenever someone saw him zooming past in his new car, they would say, "Hey, look at Samuel go!"

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I hovered."

Once upon a time, a young man went to the circus. He was very excited, as he lived in western Manitoba and had never seen a circus before; the kind of town where you shave and the trolly stops. Anyway, as circus days drew nigh, the young man grew ever more excited. He arrived before dawn to get the best seat in the house, and was seated hours before the first trapeze act.

Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:

"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"

The young man looked at his ticket, and to his surprise, he was sitting in that very seat. The young man stood up.

Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"

The man, dumbfounded, stood for a moment, then made his way quickly through crowd and out of the tent. Returning home, the man wept for days, and mourned the loss of dignity and honor. Eventually reason overcame his grief and the man grew determined. "I'm not going to get mad, I'm going to get even, and avenge the honor of myself, my family, and this town," exclaimed the man. He picked up the curriculum guide for the University of Nevada at Las Vegas (UNLV) correspondence courses and started to read.

Eventually his eyes came to rest on an advert for a class in "Quick Wit Retort." "Learn how to use those snappy comebacks to your advantage, now!" So the man sent in his $19.95 and soon received the course materials. In a few weeks, the man mastered the materials, and sent the final back to UNLV.

Much to his surprise, a registered letter arrived from the president of UNLV. It read:

Dear Sir: We are utterly flabbergasted at your performance in Quick Wit Retort 101. We would be most gratified if you could come to UNLV to complete your degree with our fine academic institution. Here's a check to cover your expenses.

To make a long story short , the man made straight A's in the QWR program. He was awarded numerous distinctions, and when he graduated, the graduation speaker Ed Meese awarded the man the Presidential Medal of Outstanding Quick Wit Retort, signed by Ronnie himself!

Some days afterward, Harvard University sent a lear-jet to pick the man up for an interview. The graduate admissions officer didn't mince words. "If you complete our masters/doctoral tenured track program in QWR, you will never have to worry about money again," said he. Needless to say, the man promptly moved to Cambridge.

In 5 years, the man had finished his doctorate. By this time, the man was known throughout the world as the leading expert in Quick Wit Retort. Word had even reached western Manitoba, which made his mother very proud. Everyone from Pentagon pundits to Beltway bandits consulted the man on technical questions of QWR.

One day, while sitting at his desk reading his hometown newspaper, the man noticed that the circus was coming to his hometown again. An evil smile crossed the man's face. "Siegfried," cried the man to his assistant, "We must be away to Manitoba. Ready the jet!" As the plane crossed the downlands of Michigan, the man savored the moment of victory that was to be his.

The man arrived at the circus tent very early, making sure to get the seat in section A, row Y, seat 42.

Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:

"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"

The man glanced at his ticket. This time he was ready.

Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"

The man rose to his feet, full of confidence. He thrust out his chest and said in the loudest voice you can imagine:

YOUR MEAN-SPIRITED, CRASS REMARKS ARE WHOLLY OUT OF PLACE IN WHAT SHOULD BE A LIGHTHEARTED, FAMILY-FRIENDLY PERFORMANCE!!! MAY I PLEASE HAVE A WORD YOUR SUPERVISOR?