Gays, its summer 2010 so... EVERYBODY TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRTS

other gay men dont really like me that much?

:( plax

My two close gay friends I had back home, I both met through school. One has since moved to New York.

ditto I think xp to plax

as i've said before, i have found myself guilty of putting "other gay man" in this category by themselves, so that in my mind, they don't like me or i don't like them or something. but i think it's like a girl and other girls thing. at least for me, it doesn't always have to be as comparative or black and white as it is in my head.

i just seem to elicit this weird suspicious attitude from other gays idk

they are suspicious because YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL

well, are you suspicious of them?

J0rdan and I had a similar chat last week. Basically if you were born after 1985 or came out during that period you're more comfortable with straights than with gays, which leads to the expected complications when you're discovering your sexuality.

maybe i dont realise i am suspicious, but i always get called out for weird shit like not really being gay (i dont know how to respond to this btw, i re-heally dont think i code as super-straight by any means, and if its not that I have no idea)

i always get called out for weird shit like not really being gay

I hear that line at least once a week -- maybe these people are right!

srsly tho what is the correct answer to that?

maybe they don't like you because they think you think they don't like you or maybe yr just projecting. possibly there's something slightly narcissistic about thinking that all other gay men don't like you - all the ones here like you so why would irl be the opposite?

well, there's one sure way to show 'em

Being "gay" means "I'm attracted to men." Anything else is ancillary.

what i mean is that maybe you give out a "gay guys don't like me" vibe.

That's even worse for me, because I don't identify as gay-qua-gay. But fuck the whole idea of there being one right way to be gay anyway.

xp im not saying thats an unfair assumption, its just one i dont really know how to get around i guess

To be totally honest, I think I have thes suspicion-of-gays thing going on. I guess I feel like I have so little in common with most of the gay men I meet, it's like why bother.

Perhaps you have so little in common w/ most people! Fishing for quality means harder work, alas.

i don't know, alfred, i know a lot of gay guys born after 1985 that get a long with a lot of gay people. you and jordan are particularly close with a lot of straight people.

also, i think i was trying to get at what jed is saying -- there seems to be a lot of competition between gay people. the whole "i'm not THAT gay" thing which we've talked about before in light of madonna fandom and the like plays some part in this conversation, i think.

not that i'm trying to take anything away from rev and plax's experiences, at all - i'm just relating my own experiences to this conversation. i still have a kneejerk reaction around gay pride time of year, or around a lot of gaga fans or whatever, but now it's a more nuanced reaction because i have befriended more gay people over the years and i'm finding i have a great time with them.

xxp I've never had any problem meeting straight guys I have things in common with though.

Yep.

i think maybe its partly due to never having had any gay friends really that i kindof have a pedestal thing going on too though.

yeah, i mean the "i'm not that gay" thing really bothers me and i'd hate to think i was playing into that narrative in some way. I think maybe that growing up where i have I didn't come into contact with any gays at all and i kindof built my own idea of what it meant.

yeah, i think SO much depends on location, tbh.

i mean, to speak in simplistic terms, there might be a lot of ilx-type gay guys out there that we are hesitant to meet bc of outer appearances, or bc of the groups they hang with, or something. looks can be very deceiving.

i dont really tend to meet a lot of people in gen at all that i have "anything in common with" but i still have friends so i don't think thats the criteria for my case anyway

rev otm

plaxico, you don't have any reason to automatically assume that gays don't like you, you are well liked here as i'm sure you are irl but other people can be very sensitive to assumptions you make about them even when you don't vocalise them, obv.

i used to start with an "other people don't like me" assumption (i had low self esteem mixed with highly strung!) which i kind of managed to turn around but then i split up with my man last month and he kind of character assassinated me during the break up and told me i was too open and friendly with people and that he found it embarrassing. for a shy person whose way of coping with it is to (unconsciously) overcompensate for his shyness by being sometimes a little too gregarious was kind of a low-blow.

sorry that's really garbled, anyway he acted like a cunt about it.

jed, fwiw, i definitely felt like when i was fixated on the "i don't get along with other gay guys" mentality, people noticed it. it was definitely not overt -- i'm way too self-aware for that, but however subtle, i do believe that kind of vibe comes across just a bit.

(not that i think he's a cunt he just upset me) xpost

and jed, that is a really low blow. i do the same kind of thing bc of an inherent shyness, and i'm really sorry to hear you went thru so much trouble with him :(

that does sound pretty horrible alright. but yeah i mean i tend to have the opposite problem. a lot of my friends have this weird thing about talking about how I am a difficult person to become friends with (this is apparently a really great way of affirming our friendship because it overcomes the barrier of me being uh, a standoffish dick). and that obviously does play a major thing, but I do frequently get accused of very strange ulterior motives by other gays and it is something that has never happened to me with straight people (except for one girl who told me quite a lot, usually in conversation with my boyfriend at the time, that i was just faking it)

thanks! he was probably correct, essentially, but it's hard to find a middle ground when yr natural tendency is to back off from people because they may not like you.

but anyway, sorry, enough about me.

My own "gays don't like me" thing is more just general insecurity. coupled with that post-85 syndrome Alfred talks about.

And fwiw jed I did not think you were overbearing at all when I met you! (nor the opposite, either)

thanks joe!

plaxico i get the same thing (ulterior motives attributed to me) to the point where i doubted every thing i said / did / thought for a while. but then i have my own insecurities i project onto other gays so what jed and surm are saying ring pretty true for me. it's hard though! socializing, in a healthy way, especially when you're used to it being part of a negative feedback loop.

hi gays

what happened in 1985? i was 4, and sorta out of it, culturally

"Oh Sheila" hit #1.

best year ever?????????????????

that song rules

how many ppl actually lurk this thread?

table is the table's current male friend is a really awesome guy and they are super cute together.

^fact

yay!

also Oh Sheila hitting no. 1 could make any year, imo

should i feel embarrassed as a straight female for outing myself as a gay thread lurker?

loll it's the shirtless edition anything goes

http://images2.layoutsparks.com/1/125628/happy-bunny-pink-glitter.gif

(me shirtless, obv)