Dear X, blah blah blah. Love, Z

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Dear Dan,

Sure, first you're offended, then you get into it... I know your type all too well.

xo anyway,
Sara R-C

Dear Jessie Monster,

I think I have something similar to a racerback in two different colors. I like them!

luv,
Sara R-C

― Sara R-C, Monday, 2 April 2007 19:24 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear former employer,
While I was working for you this summer you told me that you had worked out a distribution system that would preclude taxation, giving me the impression that I was working under the table. Out of nowhere, after months without any communication from you, I recieved a 1099 form that had, of course, been CCed to the IRS. I do not mind paying taxes on this income, but because of the system I thought we had agreed upon this summer, I did not make the necessary deductions while I was being payed. I am currently in no position to afford these taxes. Furthermore,it's pretty callow that you never contacted me to explain what happened, relying instead on the impersonal injunction of the 1099.

Fuck you,

Colin

― C0L1N B..., Monday, 2 April 2007 19:49 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Just My Size,
Thank you for giving my boobs support and uplift. I never liked those underwires.
Free to be, with love, Alison

― aimurchie, Monday, 2 April 2007 20:43 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear underwires,

You should be hands.

Love,

Boobs

― nickalicious, Monday, 2 April 2007 20:44 (seventeen years ago) link

dear vinyl siding institute,

thank you for sending me this package. your "america sides with vinyl" slogan is most amusing. i wonder what it could be! i almost don't want to open it.

― get bent, Monday, 2 April 2007 21:04 (seventeen years ago) link

dear <i>radio city</i>,

you are all i want to listen to when it's nice out. should i put you on again? srsly?

so much love,
alex

― ghost rider, Monday, 2 April 2007 21:11 (seventeen years ago) link

dear html button,

i'm never, ever going to press you, but i will continue using html.

yours,
alex

― ghost rider, Monday, 2 April 2007 21:11 (seventeen years ago) link

dear jbr and r/z,

you are both 100% otm regarding the musical selections of such restaurants and the played-out-ness of such.

yrs in agreement,
ally

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Monday, 2 April 2007 21:17 (seventeen years ago) link

dear alex "matey matey" longcat,

1) why are you questioning this, you should definitely put it on again
2) FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST just use the bbcode!! it'll be better for everyone, once we all admit that button is a sham and a lie.

sincerely yrs,
ally

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Monday, 2 April 2007 21:20 (seventeen years ago) link

dear muzak overlords,

I'd really grown tired of "Light Classical" and welcomed the change to Motown & Neo-Soul. I lived with "Light Classical" for a year and expected the Motown to last at least as long. TWO DAYS and then you give me this James Blunt bullshit?? What the fuck, Muzak overlords?

what the fuck.
justin

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Monday, 2 April 2007 21:21 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Hawaii Weather-

Love you, man.

-Grady

― g®▲Ðұ, Monday, 2 April 2007 21:23 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear first day of spring quarter:

You have been surprisingly tolerable. The Depeche reissues have helped.

Yours,
The Guy with Another Hour and a Half to Go

― Ned Raggett, Monday, 2 April 2007 21:27 (seventeen years ago) link

dear ally,

a) don't worry, i'm on top of it.
b) fuck you no retreat no surrender

yrs etc,
a.m.m.l.

― ghost rider, Monday, 2 April 2007 21:28 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Justin,

Find out where they're hiding the muzak remote control if you work in a small office. I co-opted it and figured out all the controls and had FREE REIGN when el jeffe wasn't around. They have many many stations, one of which was all Hawaiian slide guitar shit. And no one else knew the codes so I HAD THE POWER. This is somthing to consider.

Yours hopefully,
An Abbott

― Abbott, Monday, 2 April 2007 21:30 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Carlos Zambrano-

Everyone has bad days. Shake it off. I know you'll be great next week.

-Grady

― g®▲Ðұ, Monday, 2 April 2007 21:32 (seventeen years ago) link

nickalicious otm re: bras.

Dear my normally nice boss,

I have no idea what caused you to completely flip out on me during our staff meeting. Did you not notice the intern sitting next to me? Could he not have been a better target for you ill-wrought wrath?

I'm not sure what your deal is but you better have a well-crafted apology for me this morning if you don't want my current, minimally-acceptable levels of productivity to go spiraling down fast.

And dude, I bought you breakfast tacos this morning. wtf?

xo
That bitch you work with

― Ms Misery, Monday, 2 April 2007 21:33 (seventeen years ago) link

dear ms misery,

mmm breakfast tacos. will you buy me some too?

xo,
get bent, feeling crappy today and trying to think of an excuse to blow off my evening classes

― get bent, Monday, 2 April 2007 21:41 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear ENBB,

What show(s) are you planning on attending? There was major strop-throwing circa 2004 at Radio City Music Hall, but other than that it was fairly smooth sailing.

Good luck,

Mary

― Virginia Plain, Monday, 2 April 2007 21:44 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Ms Misery,

Sorry your boss is a douche. Where did you get the tacos from? Next time spike his with doom and habanero.

scandalously,
hoosteen

Dear Da Abbott,

They have many many stations, one of which was all Hawaiian slide guitar shit.

Holy shit that sounds incredible. I should go hijack this bitch.

hijackily,
da hoos

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Monday, 2 April 2007 21:54 (seventeen years ago) link

dear ny yanquis--

all this money you spend and your outfielders throw the ball like feverish toddlers? good thing they can hit, i guess.

go mets
-m.

― mookieproof, Monday, 2 April 2007 21:58 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear skin,

STOP CRAWLING AT THE THOUGHT OF FUNGUSHANDS.JPG

xoxoxo,

Dan

― HI DERE, Monday, 2 April 2007 22:00 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Ms. M,

I know it's just because you started your post with bra-talk, but I read "boss" as "boobs," resulting in the following:

Dear my normally nice BOOBS: I have no idea what caused you to completely flip out on me during our staff meeting. Did you not notice the intern sitting next to me? Could he not have been a better target for you ill-wrought wrath? I'm not sure what your deal is but you better have a well-crafted apology for me this morning.

And man was I wondering what happened during that meeting.

Best,
n

― nabisco, Monday, 2 April 2007 22:01 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear nabisco,

LOL breakfast tacos for boobs!

xoxoxo,
Dan

― HI DERE, Monday, 2 April 2007 22:03 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Dan,

Fungus hands are completely harmless and do not hurt you or even him so much. Why so freaked over this when you just seemed to be bemused by tubgirl?

Curiously,
From your reader of medical texts,
Abbott

― Abbott, Monday, 2 April 2007 22:07 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Nabisco-

I read it the exact same way. I am glad you spoke up first though.

-Grady

― g®▲Ðұ, Monday, 2 April 2007 22:07 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Kentucky weather,

You make all the sneezing worth it. T-minus 10 minutes to glorious first mow of 07.

Like a good neighbor,

Nickalicious is there.

― nickalicious, Monday, 2 April 2007 22:08 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Abbot,

I have had 6+ years to get used to tubgirl. I have had 6+ days to get used to fungushands. Both are fundamentally GROSS NO.

xoxoxo,

Dan

― HI DERE, Monday, 2 April 2007 22:10 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear ILX,

Dan OTM re: fungushands

skincrawlily,

hoos
(man using my real name is too weird for some reason)

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Monday, 2 April 2007 22:13 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear BHakaTS,

Justin??? That fits on a license plate or a custom -800 number.

Surprised in good spirit,
Abbott

Dearest Dan +all,

I am starting to doubt my...something...as fungushands phased me not one whit, and I was eating a Cup o' Noodles at the time. Someone please reassure me I am not going to be posting on guro chan or somthing soon. FWIW I found tubgirl revolting.

Semi-apologetically,
Abbott

― Abbott, Monday, 2 April 2007 22:28 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Abbott,

tubgirl is grosser to me than fungushands, too. I think maybe because the latter just looks kind of fake, like made-up hands for a monster movie?

reassuringly,
horseshoe

― horseshoe, Monday, 2 April 2007 22:32 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Abbott and Horsehoe,

I am pleased to see that you too are less skeeved out by fungushands than some. It must be fingernail issues.

Yours,
The Guy What Always Trims His Fingernails and Thus Suffers No Angst

― Ned Raggett, Monday, 2 April 2007 22:34 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Dan,

I am with you on tub girl v. fungushands. I saw that picture last week and then again today and I'm still completely skeeved out. Actually, I'm itching all over right now. I think it's the worst thing I've ever seen. The only other thing that might be on the same level is the guy with the maggots in his brain. *shudders*

~ ENBB

Dear Mary,

I got tickets to the Boston show on June 26th. I am so ridiculously excited. Are you planning on going to any?

Excitedly,

Erica

― ENBB, Monday, 2 April 2007 22:42 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear ILX,

Whoops, now you know my actual name.

Yours,

Well . . . Erica

― ENBB, Monday, 2 April 2007 22:43 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear ILX,

I forgot to catch my bus home from work because I was too busy pressing F5 on you. Now I won't leave the office until after dark.

Fuck you,
Will

― Will M., Monday, 2 April 2007 23:03 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Erica,

I've got tix for B'more and I guess I'll go to Wolf Trap and I may combine a visit to SF with the Oakland show but I'm trying not to be so addicted but I'm not sure it's working.

Have fun! (and maybe try Southhapmton as well?)

XO,

M.

― Virginia Plain, Monday, 2 April 2007 23:08 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear ENNB-

I saw Morrissey about three years ago and he fucked up "Late Night Maudlin Street" real bad. Like he was just pulling random lines from the song all over the place. It was still a pretty fun show. I remember "Meat is Murder" being really good. Be prepared: he's a lot more frumpy than he was ten years ago.

-Grady

― g®▲Ðұ, Monday, 2 April 2007 23:15 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear accentmonkey,

Thanks for the postcard, it arrived yesterday and nicely counteracted the electricity bill. Yes, it was freaky because one of my favourite movies is Girl With A Pearl Earring, so the Johannes Vermeer card was excitingly synchronistic.

Somehow I missed your birthday (I'll blame it on skipping messages, not my airheadedness), so watch your mail for something more than a postcard.

Cheers
HLA

― Hard like armour, Monday, 2 April 2007 23:35 (seventeen years ago) link

dear chaki:

your story on the AA thread about how your intervention came from three guys that buy drugs from you made me shoot dr. pepper out of my nose. i think there was some coming from my right eye too. it was awesome.

love

hoosteen

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 00:53 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Ozzie Smith,

You are my favorite baseball player. I like you because you're 155 pounds, you do backflips, and you never hit homeruns. Years later, I will discover that you're actually kind of an asshole, in a strange way that I can never seem to convey to others.

Sincerely,
ten-year-old me

― Z S, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 01:01 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear ringsting

Both as a newly coined word and a physical sensation, I love you dearly. I expect this may be more than many people here care to know about either of us, however.

tingling,
Austin

― Oilyrags, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 01:15 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Hoosteen-

You probably have a very sticky/messy keyboard.

-Grady

― g®▲Ðұ, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 01:18 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Austin,

Thank you for helping to broaden my vocabulary this evening.

ENBB

Dear Internet,

Thank you for existing and teaching me wonderful things such as the meaning of words like, "ringsting".

E

― ENBB, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 01:18 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear laundry -

Although I appreciate the effort you've taken to be doable within the confines of my residence, and without the hoarding of quarters with which to pay for your execution, I am still dissatisfied with the amount of actual carrying, tending, and folding you require. If you were to find some way to remain clean and ready to wear at all times, you would have my eternal gratitude.

cordially,
Austin

― Oilyrags, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 01:18 (seventeen years ago) link

Dearest Google,

stick to awesome search engine action and leave the April Fool's Day hijinks to us,

Love

Mark.

― Drooone, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 01:22 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear doghair -

Stay on the wretched curs if you know what's good for both of us. Springtime be damned.

Don't underestimate my wrath,
-Austin

― Oilyrags, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 01:27 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Wm.,

Why are you so scared of me? Every two months it's the same old panic attack. GET A GRIP, PLEASE. Pick up the phone, make the calls you have to make; send the emails you need to send. Do your work.

Love,
Your Job

― Rock Hardy, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 01:29 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Pharoah Monch

Your line "Still get it poppin' without Artist and Repetoire/Cause Monch is a Monarch only minus the A&R" is totally fucking blowing my mind.

One Love,
Austin

― Oilyrags, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 01:50 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Rock,

I so empathise. I do the same every day, staring at my phone wishing I never had to call another horrible angry customer to tell them crap that makes them yell :( I cant deal with it, I'm too wussy.

solidarity,
Trayce

― Trayce, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 01:55 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Depeche Mode,

It IS good being the best band ever or closest to it, is it not? Not that you said that but I will, so. Plz to keep releasing more great records.

Yers,
The Guy Taking a Break from the Documentaries on the Reissues to Get a Drink

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 02:15 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Austin (the dude, not the city),

Thanks again for the CD. I have been bumping OK pretty much nonstop, except when I'm at work and have to hear James Blunt.

awesomely,

hoosteen

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 02:19 (seventeen years ago) link

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