The Vagaries of Dating The Vagaries of Dating

I think part of what's weird to me about the idea of "dating" at the moment is just the sense of not having anyone particular in mind. Going out looking with no distinct aim. Thinking about my sequence of relationships (including the marriage that just ended), I realize that it's been 11 years since I wasn't either in a relationship with someone or at least had somebody in mind as a possible partner. As each relationship ended, there was always sort of somebody else there who I was interested in or who was interested in me. Right now, I know nobody who seems like a possibility, not even anyone who I'm daydreaming about. It's an unfamiliar feeling. (There were two women I sort of had in mind whose paths I had crossed in recent months, so I did discreet Facebook checking on both of them -- one is married, the other is gay. Ha.)

A friend of mine last night was giving me a big pitch on the virtues of online dating -- he's a veteran of it, and he's had lots of dates, some of them good ones. But I don't know. I did fill out an OKCupid profile, before immediately disabling it, and one depressing thing they sent me as a result was a map of the country showing the areas where I was likely to find the most or least compatible people. Not surprisingly, the "most" areas are all big cities, mostly coastal. The Southeast, where I actually live, is the "least." I'm afraid the online dating sites would mostly reflect that: lots of Republican Christian football fans.

...and that period 11 years ago was only about 8 months long, after my first divorce -- and that divorce ended a relationship that started when I was 18. So basically, that's 8 months out of the last 23 years that I haven't been either involved with someone or "pursuing" (or whatever the right word is) someone in particular. No wonder this feels so strange.

Try thinking of dating as another outlet for general socialbility and companionship. It might work. (Full disclosure: I'm just guessing here.)

Yeah, I mean, that's pretty much how I've always met people, just by going out and hanging out with friends, etc. Even the idea of, like, going into some bar with the explicit intent of finding someone is pretty alien to me. When I'm single, I'm always much more aware of who's around, whether they're attached (getting back into the habit of automatically checking ring fingers), all of that. But it's hard for me too get psyched up and say, "OK, I'm going out tonight and I'm going to get someone's phone number," or whatever. So, who knows.

that's probably for the best, honestly - i'm kinda in the same position - feeling some vague pressure to date and "meet someone," but at the same time thinking, "You know what? I don't really need to do this right now. I've got plenty of other things I want to do."

As you get older, whole years go by in that 'transitional' mood.

I am older!

But sarahel otm, a big part of me does not want to spend a lot of time every day worrying about trying to meet somebody. There are plenty of things to enjoy about single life (even single-life-with-kids, because half the time I get the pleasure of their company, and half the time I can do pretty much whatever I want).

It's just, of course, those lonely nights that nag...

yeah - the last two nights, the weather was crappy and i didn't feel like going out, and it reminded me of the good parts of having an s.o.

So OK finally I was just like the hell with it and put up a matchcom profile a few days ago. And now I'm having drinx with what appears to be a totally cute red-head doctoral student on Wednesday. My first Internet date. I feel so modern.

*cheers*

Would just like to update to note that while doctoral student mentioned above did not develop into anything more than a Facebook friend, a subsequent dating episode with other girl has turned into actual awesome new girlfriend. (Though she did not come from Internet dating service. Rather through convoluted series of connections.) So, this is nice.

http://moccsocks.myshopify.com/ - these are bitching for summer sneakers. No more having to go sockless to not look ridiculous.

Jwi

Bizarre, I went to this thread to moan and saw those last posts of mine. I have no idea where they came from, sorry.

Hmmmm perhaps a message from your future self? Or have been on the Doctor Who thread too long?

I like those socks. But I didn't know that ankle socks were so shameful that "getting caught wearing" them was almost as bad as stinking up your shoes by going sockless.

so yeah tonight i will be hanging out with a real live woman who is not my soon to be ex-wife for the first time in 15 years. Im anxious as all hell and have spilled an entire italian sub all over my shirt. So i smell of onions and vinegar...HOT TO TROT.

Maybe she'll be a salad lover.

not so good

Or she'll be well into it, who knows?

cozen up above on this thread, in 2003, asking 'am i a rockist of the heart?' = one of the funniest things i've read on ILX

So... in a massive break with my tradition uselessness, I actually asked someone out. She said yes, and the signs are good, but had to rain check our original date and, what with the festive season, I feel like I've really lost momentum and am not sure how to get things moving...

Asking was a big big step for me though, let alone having her say yes.

*traditional

Any reason not to just jump in and suggest a time and place? You seem to know your town pretty well. Wow her with a great idea. Which I believe you have done before wrt first dates, to great effect.

Hey ljubljana! Thanks for the confidence boosting and wise advice.

I get worried about being overly keen and bothersome, which I know I can often be guilty of and I know is off-putting. But then, also, I feel that sometimes one must seize a moment, before it is lost forever...

You asked her out, then had to postpone, is that right? And she accepted first time? If someone didn't ask me out again after that, I'd think they'd changed their mind! Or did you somehow agree she'd be the one to set the next time/place? If not, she's waiting by the phone, or near it, or thinking about the phone, *right now this minute*

Ha, now I have the opening a reply to a txt fear!

Yeah, that was the story... she gave me her number at that point of postponement and we started exchanging texts.

open it open it, then plan a windblown stormblown evening

I met someone on NYE and they were really nice and then they flew home to the country they live in which is 3000 miles away

I opened the text; it's all looking good. Will keep you posted...

coal, I'm sorry to hear that. Are you keeping in touch at least?

Mutual friends so I think so. Unexpected turn of events so a few different emotions

semi date coming up and quite nervous and stressed. wish i could turn my brain off until the actual event because i'm stressing myself out!

Someone you've known for a while or a new person on the horizon?

I just created an OKC profile myself (maybe this should go in the OKC thread) and I'm already frazzled before even messaging anyone. Hmm. It's weird to think about dating after seven years of not thinking about it at all. Best of luck, rayuela!

thanks!!

ljubljana, it's someone i've known but never in a dating context. i would say more, but my paranoia has convinced me that i can't say anything remotely identifying even though there is .0001% chance this person has even heard of message boards.

anyway, my therapist helped me to realize that i was stressed because i was refusing to admit i was excited and was instead channeling all that energy into doom and gloom. i'm feeling much more sanguine about the date now. heh.

dating makes me feel like a crazy person.

Because dating is a thing that only crazy people do.

seriously, why do i even bother. this is too much mental energy.

We make it too much mental energy, I think, with all the expectations we circle up around it?? Also, being bored at our jobs all day but confined to desk chairs does not help discourage the little manias that spring up.

the expectations are too much! i have just had such low expectations from OKC that the prospect of going on a date with someone who i am actually friendly with is rather disconcerting.

any NY ilxors up for drinks tonight?? i'm in need of a distraction.

I may very well be, but I think it would probably be in Bushwick if anything? Hm unless something brews up in the city.

i was thinking somewhere in the lower east side or thereabouts...is that too far??

I didn't see this earlier . . . but count me in for drinks next time.

yes! i still owe you a drink :)

I owe her a drink, too! She'll be getting loaded for free at this rate.

the benefits of buying rounds for everybody when you're already drunk!

i'm not trying to be a dick, but some of you guys seem a bit neurotic about all this! dating doesn't really have to be so fraught with angst you know. simply ignore advances/okcupidmessages from obvious psychos or dullards, flirt back with/answer advances/messages from people who seem cool and worth a few minutes of your life to interact with. when you meet someone you think is cute and interesting, you exchange numbers, you get together for lunch or coffee once, where you know there's no chance in hell of spending more than an hour or two together, basically to further suss out attraction levels and filter for stalker-y/psychosis red flags. if low-key test date is fun, you go out, have some drinks, conversation, see what happens. some dates work out ok, some don't go that great, once in a blue moon you meet someone you really really click with and its awesome. but that's much less likely to happen if you don't slog through some less-than-perfect dates first. an awkward date wont kill you ya know.

^^^ all this does out the window when you're freshly divorced. i've been on both ends and it just comes with the territory. you get a year or 2 to deal with it, then it's time to suck it up and get out there again already. a few awkward dates and some casual sex seems to help the process move along.

thx messiahwannabe