Let's bitch about our stupid, annoying co-workers

Where are the packages of unpopped popcorn kept? You could use a razor blade to carefully slice them open and insert thin pieces of sheet metal into the bags, causing a microwave fire when she next pops. Popcorn would be linked to dangerous fires and soon banned.

... or unexplained ulcers.

have you tried pooping in the microwave

or pooping in a waxed paper bag, flattening it, stapling both ends, sealing it in plastic, and putting it in a box marked Orville Redenbacher?

lol

why does my coworker keep spraying!

Is she a cat in heat?

you're not making popcorn are you?

xpost

drop a deuce on her desk.

I tried defecation but this is serious! how can I work when she is sparying her odors everywhere! this is not her "territory"

Just walked into the men's room, co-worker had his foot on the sink to tie his shoe. Yeah, because that's pretty much the only option for shoe-tying. It's also where we get clean, asshole.

The sink is where the dirt goes.

I don't clean MY asshole at the sink - Oh comma.

My coworker keeps spraying this stuff. At first I couldn't really tell what she was spraying,on what-herself, the air, etc-but I think she must be spraying herself. The spraying seems to increase with warm weather so I guess she might feel self conscious.
Of course, it could be that somebody else smells in the warm weather and she is spraying her air to cover the odor.
Anyway the spray smells bad and is unpleasant.
My coworkers also go crazy with the spray in the bathroom, and also post signs about how many times you might have to flush to get rid of the "waste" etc. You'd think some of them didn't understand the purpose of a toilet.

its to clean their ass in.

i once saw a hobo cleaning his ringer in the bathroom of south station.

multiLOLs

thinking of where dirtytowns of the body are - shouldn't the shower water come from the floor and spray up?

nah you use your arm and create a chattahootchie canal effect.

sometimes I have the water run down my extended arm so its like a stream of energy that I can use to blast pieces of soap that fell etc. - Its really fulfilling

Reading through this thread I am amazed to find out that some workplaces have banned fish from the microwaves. Is this common? Because I'm sick of sitting six feet away from the wafting smells of people's shitty food?

I might have to be really passive aggressive and bring this idea up with HR.

and spraying!! and inthe case of some of my cowoerkers, farting

Getting pretty pissed off at coworker who responds to questions like "is there a way to do (function x which I am familiar with in our old software package) in our new software package" with "yes" and then doesn't tell you the answer

and if you ask "what is it", she always replies very suspiciously "what are you trying to do", even if it's a perfectly quick, simple and reasonable thing

also came to start at my screen and told me to do (side task y), so I started to and she said "no no no, not like that", and then I asked how to do it and she didn't even know and told me to google it, so I said "well, this way works, it'll be quicker than googling, I'll google for a better way later", and she went off in a huff to google it herself, only to tell me 10 minutes after I'd already done it that I should do exactly what I'd been doing all along - I tried to say "yes, that's what I did" in as non-aggrieved a tone as possible, to which I received no response

(though she didn't answer my original question, and I have since looked in two books which didn't tell me either, so now I don't know if she's wrong again and it doesn't even exist or if she really does know something useful she doesn't feel like telling me)

i would just anticipate the usual follow-up question i guess. as in:
"is there a way to do X in bla bla bla?
"if yes, what is it?
thanks"

just push her ass out a window - what a hag

plan B could also work.

I think I'll opt for trying not to ask her anything again* plus hoping that the others in the office were also thinking "what a jerk" as hard as I was during the seconds of silence in which she remained completely straight-faced after her unhelpful yes/no answer

(* even though she's the one in the office who has definite ideas about how things should be done, so if you don't do things her way you risk a later sneering session or rant about how nobody listens to her and she's only trying to do things properly unlike everyone else in this place, etc - but at least I know everyone else also finds these petty and ridiculous, so I guess bring them on and I'll practise my eye-rolling. this person is not my supervisor, or anyone else's, after all)

what a BITCH!!!!!!

Christ, that sounds fucking annoying.

generally speaking these squeaky wheels usually wind up suffering at their own hands because they gain notoriety for the wrong reasons. Obv I don't know your work situation but people at my company have been canned simply for being Terrell Owens of the office world.

jvc, leave a passive aggressive note.

Latham, what is your co-worker spraying?? Do you work with a tom cat?

There is a guy who nits next to me, who I like, but whenever he puts on his headphones he begins BREATHING IN and BREATHING OUT extremely LOUDLY. BIG SUCKS of breath in, and LONG, DRAMATIC WHISTLING BREATHS OUT through thin, tightened lips, as if he's looking through a set of particularly upsetting tax returns. As soon as he takes his headphones off he stops doing this.

maybe he is listening to meditation tapes?

Haha I have now told him about it. He laughed guiltily and promised to stop.

breathing?!

oh shit

well.. maybe i can ebay him

spraying some kind of - odor-be-gone - she must be one foul demon to need so much odor-gone.
I think worldwide office productivity would soar if everyone got their own office

you spelled "sour" wrong.

everyone work from home - with no clothes on except boots

Had a video meeting today, and the person who scheduled it emailed a wrong number and passcode, which didn't get corrected until 5 minutes in, and no correction email was sent...it was only provided in the virtual meeting room.

If that's not annoying enough, because of the poor communication, about 7 people send emails asking about it, of course replying to all.

The lady who scheduled the meeting only needed to send one email to Reply All to give them the correct info, right?

Nope...she replies to EVERY SINGLE email she got with Reply All, to where 20 emails hit my box in a 20 minute timespan.

Once it was clear she wasn't getting it, I had to email her to beg her to just reply to the sender or just reply ONCE to all...Christ.

hah - but its far better when someone replies to all something like "yeah I'll be at the meeting, I hope that bitch from marketing isnt there!"

observation. people with email signatures about creativity and inspiration and such are NEVER helpful when you need anything, least of all a creative idea

email signatures are the worst, especially when they carry teabag sentiments

Observation. People using email sigs of any kind beyond their name and contact details are disgusting savages.

My firm's email signature is 166 words (1080 characters) not including our names, titles, addresses, or phone numbers. It's all language about confidentiality and a mandatory U.S. Dept. of Treasury warning saying that any tax advice the firm provides may not be used to avoid tax penalties, etc.

Still better than any inspirational quote of any length.

I have Hunter S Thompson's "What? No. We can't stop here. This is bat country" as my email sig at work and I am NOT a disgusting savage. I'll cop to that on almost anything, but not this. I put it there the day he died, and there it shall stay.

(and my contact info, not just the quote)

If I use a quote it's "Life is like a banana. It's yellow and it slides?"