vadge horror stories

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Is your love life
In a rut?
Only fucking
In the butt?
Toss aside
His trucker hat
And show off
Your indie twat.
When you're well
And truly fecked
Clean that goddamn
Couch you wrecked.
LYSOL DOUCHE!

― Tep (ktepi), Saturday, 19 June 2004 20:19 (twenty years ago) link

*Joy*

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Saturday, 19 June 2004 20:29 (twenty years ago) link

* applause *

― Dave B (daveb), Saturday, 19 June 2004 20:56 (twenty years ago) link

indie twat!

― oops (Oops), Saturday, 19 June 2004 21:19 (twenty years ago) link

Me and my twat aren't indie enuff, that's why I don't post regularly on this board.

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Saturday, 19 June 2004 21:41 (twenty years ago) link

wait - 3 lips¿
as in one exrta somewhere,
or is one missing¿

― dysol (dyson), Saturday, 19 June 2004 22:41 (twenty years ago) link

Okay, getting back to storytime...this one's a true story that happened to my friend's cousin.

Boy and girl are dating in high school. Graduation rolls around and they decide to stick together even though they each are going to different colleges very far apart. A few months pass into the freshman year, and she comes over to his dorm to visit for a few days. Shortly after they meet up, they go back to his room and begin fooling around. Eventually he starts to venture down for a little 'lingus, but when he takes her panties off, he notices that she smells a bit worse than he remembered. He figures that she just hasn't showered for a while or something and tries to start, but the smell is a bit overpowering. So he gets a sour apple Jolly Rancher and starts sucking on it in order to ignore the smell. He's licking her and the Jolly Rancher, when suddenly the Jolly Rancher accidentally goes into her vadge. So he quickly fishes it out, puts it back in his mouth, and bites down on it, whereupon he discovers that what he's biting down on is not a sour apple Jolly Rancher after all, but in fact a gonorrhea nodule! He immediately hits the bathroom, pukes, and tells her to leave. Turns out that she hooked up with some random skank guy at a club the second week of school - and had no idea that she had gonorrhea afterwards, either. Needless to say, the relationship didn't last much longer.

Could she have used some LYSOL DOUCHE?

― Girolamo Savonarola, Saturday, 19 June 2004 23:32 (twenty years ago) link

I did not even know that gonorrhea had nodules but that is still the most revolting thing I have ever read on ILE. Congratulations!

― N. (nickdastoor), Saturday, 19 June 2004 23:34 (twenty years ago) link

Also, I don't believe it, but it doesn't matter.

― N. (nickdastoor), Saturday, 19 June 2004 23:35 (twenty years ago) link

And now I discover that a googling for "jolly rancher" gonorrhea produces 5 hits, one of which is a U.S. military academy manual.

― N. (nickdastoor), Saturday, 19 June 2004 23:39 (twenty years ago) link

Anyone ever seen the anime Wicked City?

"It's famous primarily for its opening sequence, in which Taki, the James Bond-like hero, picks up a beautiful woman in a bar. They go back to her place and have sex a few times, in a few different positions. After their last climax, as Taki drowses, the woman's hands elongate into pincers; her legs stretch out and bend back impossibly until she enfolds Taki like a spider. He breaks free in the nick of time, and as he flies across the room we see that the woman's vagina has turned into a fang-lined, gnashing maw."

Link not work safe!

― Laura E (laurae55), Sunday, 20 June 2004 01:21 (twenty years ago) link

omigod that almost happened to me once

― j e r e m y (x Jeremy), Sunday, 20 June 2004 01:27 (twenty years ago) link

gonorrhea nodule!

these two words alone are enough to make me wanna ralph.

― oops (Oops), Sunday, 20 June 2004 04:39 (twenty years ago) link

yes i must say i'm glad i wasn't eating lunch when i read that gonorrhea story, that is truly spew-worthy

― gem (trisk), Sunday, 20 June 2004 04:43 (twenty years ago) link

Hubby just
around the corner?
Pop this in
your willy-warmer
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Lo Boob Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Sunday, 20 June 2004 04:47 (twenty years ago) link

i wonder if they still make the real lysol douche? although surely someone must have sued them for reckless advertising by now.

― gem (trisk), Sunday, 20 June 2004 04:53 (twenty years ago) link

''His inamorata had a vagina dentata...' Vadge horror story TBC'

Hey! I predicted the Laura E link earlier in the thread!

― badger Kitten (badger Kitten), Sunday, 20 June 2004 13:39 (twenty years ago) link

Kinda feeling
"Not-so-fresh"?
Rinse your twat
Before next sesh
LYSOL DOUCHE

― j.lu (j.lu), Monday, 21 June 2004 13:09 (twenty years ago) link

works on counters
works on grout
works to flush
the fetus out
LYSOL DOUCHE
-- Begs2Differ (expresso222...) (webmail), June 19th, 2004. (link)

I beg your pardon?

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 07:25 (twenty years ago) link

Shut up and get back in that douche.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 22 June 2004 12:28 (twenty years ago) link

seven months pass...

Now how had I forgotten about this thread?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 23 January 2005 00:22 (nineteen years ago) link

Fumes.

― Aimless (Aimless), Sunday, 23 January 2005 00:26 (nineteen years ago) link

Oh my golden gods,
this is the best thread revive
since pres. will. shabazz

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Sunday, 23 January 2005 00:43 (nineteen years ago) link

Oh gosh, now that was a day.

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 00:54 (nineteen years ago) link

Oh my god, I'm bookmarking this one.

― K3rry, Sunday, 23 January 2005 01:01 (nineteen years ago) link

Ah. nice revive Ned =)

― Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 23 January 2005 01:05 (nineteen years ago) link

"....and that was how Tep conquered ILX, grandkids."

― Curious George Rides a Republican (Rock Hardy), Sunday, 23 January 2005 01:24 (nineteen years ago) link

Ha, no no. I was one of many, and my favorite bits (so to speak, ugh) upthread are not mine.

Also: SMOO!

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 01:32 (nineteen years ago) link

Somehow I missed this thread the first time around.

I literally did gasp in horror when reading Girolamo's story, the first time I've ever had sort of reaction to anything posted on ILX.

― MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Sunday, 23 January 2005 01:43 (nineteen years ago) link

had *that* sort of reaction ...

― MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Sunday, 23 January 2005 01:44 (nineteen years ago) link

leaving stains
all round his forehead?
izzy stradlin
something horrid?
LYSOL DOUCHE

-- Begs2Differ (cibul...), June 18th, 2004

― teeny (teeny), Sunday, 23 January 2005 02:25 (nineteen years ago) link

um, lest we forget.

― teeny (teeny), Sunday, 23 January 2005 02:27 (nineteen years ago) link

"wash that clam you salty girl" hahaha

I just tried to relate some of these gems to my wife. Her response: "That is a lot of flavors of WRONG."

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Sunday, 23 January 2005 02:29 (nineteen years ago) link

"Sterilise thy facking crumpet" just made me laugh like Muttley.

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Sunday, 23 January 2005 02:30 (nineteen years ago) link

Yes, Haibun and Tep were both divinely inspired. I stand revised.

I scroll past that story of Girolamo's very fast so there's no chance I might accidentally reread any part of it. The nightmares are bad enough.

― Curious George Rides a Republican (Rock Hardy), Sunday, 23 January 2005 02:30 (nineteen years ago) link

Has your cauldron come to bubble?
Causing untold toil and trouble?
On his prick and on his thumbs
something wicked icky comes?
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 02:54 (nineteen years ago) link

In your Denmark something's rotten
and though I've handkerchief of cotton
From my nostrils please do banish
every trace of your cheese danish.
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:00 (nineteen years ago) link

Would your fella rather rim
Than get near your scary trim?
If it's so, then don't blame him
Just do something 'bout that quim.
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Curious George Rides a Republican (Rock Hardy), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:01 (nineteen years ago) link

Blow wind! Crack your cheeks!
Distract me from this awful reek!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:06 (nineteen years ago) link

Full fathom five thy father lies
fleeing from thy stanky thighs
Sea nymphs hourly ring his knell
but to smell such stuff is surer hell
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:12 (nineteen years ago) link

Parting your thighs is such foul sorrow
I promise, no really, I'll call thee tomorrow
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:17 (nineteen years ago) link

If you don't keep that stank in check
Someone's getting a broken neck
It's bad enough he had to sniff that brew,
But then you gave him whiplash too.
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Curious George Rides a Republican (Rock Hardy), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:19 (nineteen years ago) link

If your vadges have offended
Think but this, and all is mended
We have the thing to soothe your ill
(with apologies to Shakespeare, Will).
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:25 (nineteen years ago) link

(There was a "double double" upthread, I had to throw in some more Shakespeare.)

― Tep (ktepi), Sunday, 23 January 2005 03:26 (nineteen years ago) link

Smelling like
An old mink stole?
Quench that fire
In the hole!
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Sunday, 23 January 2005 04:34 (nineteen years ago) link

All your partner
Licks are lollies?
Get rid of the
Creepy crawlies
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Haibun (Begs2Differ), Sunday, 23 January 2005 04:46 (nineteen years ago) link

I seriously rocked my buns off to the explosive force of LYSOL DOUCHE

― Captain Obvious, Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:18 (nineteen years ago) link

A certain sign a
man's disgusted
with vagina
(red and rusted)
is to find a
jewel encrusted
pussy duster
up inside ya
to extinguish
that rank fire
beathapussahupbeathapussahup
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:37 (nineteen years ago) link

Do they cringe
When you doff your gown?
Then smack it up, flip it,
Rub it down
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:42 (nineteen years ago) link

Upon smelling
Your vagina
Does his face freeze
Just like Brent Spiner?
LYSOL DOUCHE

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 23 January 2005 05:44 (nineteen years ago) link

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