Dear X, blah blah blah. Love, Z

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Dear thread,

yuo rulorz.

Love,
StanM

― StanM, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 07:56 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Winter,
You seem to have missed your bus. Perhaps I could drive you to the airport.
Not Love Any More,
Beth

― Beth Parker, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:35 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear bits of skin next to my thumbnail,

You are tasteless and chewy, and you hurt, so why must I eat you? Why?

Yrs with ugly thumbs, you bastards,
Mark

― Mark C, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:45 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Hangover,

I hate you.

Yours in emnity,

Sober Kv_nol.

-- kv_nol, Friday, 30 March 2007 13:01 (3 days ago)

Dear Hangover,

Your identical twin is currently visiting me. Please tell him to bugger off.

Yours sitting at a desk and hating humanity,

kv_nol

― kv_nol, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 11:47 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Lunch,

Plz to be leaping up and presenting yourself in the living room

Love,
Hungry girl who is too lazy to get off the sofa

― Zora, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 12:15 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Lunch

I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can.

Love

~~Oleta Adams~~blueskizzles

― blueski, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 12:19 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear me of last night,

Plz not to be such a frackin' pussbasket emo kid. Man up, stoicize, etc.

I should kick yr ass,

Nu-Matt C.

― Dimension 5ive, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 12:47 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Burger King,

I love you because you cure hangovers. I hate you because you cause cute animals to die.*

Yours trapped in a post Sophies Choice well-fed guilty glow,

me

*Amongst other v v bad things (not least of which your chicken things are disgusting!).

― kv_nol, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 13:42 (seventeen years ago) link

dear tourist who banged me in the knee that i already banged this morning trying to climb over something,

really? that was necessary? it wasn't bad enough that you were being an obnoxious in the way fattey tourist with your milk-fed children of the corn? you HAD to also straight out level me?

yrs in go fuck yourself,
ally

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 3 April 2007 13:57 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Consigna Bus System,

I get that you guys only have a couple of the "nice" buses set aside for us round-the-way dudes who have to ride for near two hours. I also understand that if, by some horrible coincidence, both "nice" buses break down on the same day, I'll be forced to take a Mustard Bus all 70 miles. I am sympathetic. But really. It takes a month to fix the nice buses?

You make me a pampered motherfucker in this rolling spa with wireless internet and chairs stuffed with Benjamins and shit, and then you switch out the WheelieHomeAwayFromHome for THIS shit? Where I can't even read the labels on my cassettes without getting carsick? Y'all some bitches, Cosigna Bus System.

love,

hoosteen

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 14:39 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear girl across from me in Panera,

Sorry if my staring creeped you out. You look like my ex-girlfriend. Exactly like my ex-girlfriend.

Creepily,

Guy with salad and corny fantasy novel

― nickalicious, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 17:16 (seventeen years ago) link

dear ian-

a few of those hot stroller pushers could be professional nannies, which means they'd get evenings free and have plenty of disposable income.

-Grady

― g®▲Ðұ, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 19:08 (seventeen years ago) link

dear b0b@ 10c@ proprietor:

honestly, i didn't mind that you had to take a few extra minutes to do whatever you had to do to get the frozen yogurt machine working. no hurry. but thanks for upgrading my small to a medium at no extra charge! your pinkberry-knockoff yogurt is always a special treat.

-a happy customer

― get bent, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 20:29 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Weather,

Please warm the hell up. It's April.

Love,
Sara R-C

― Sara R-C, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 20:32 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Lithesome Lass,

I have decided to forego too harsh a criticism of the espadrille wedges; I can see that fashion trends pull you in like a moth to a flame and my aversion may stem from having seen too many of these on frumpy women in the 70's though they look serviceable on you, but the ballon skirt hemmed that far above your knee? You're lucky to be so ravishing but I promise you that someday you'll look back and realize that your lovely legs, though embellished by those high heels, are also covered in something that makes you look like you have poopy pants diapers on. Are you sure that's the look for you?

Your faithful but inquisitive servant,

M

― Michael White, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 20:32 (seventeen years ago) link

aka yes those jeans do make you look fat

― nickalicious, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 20:37 (seventeen years ago) link

er, poop-laden

― nickalicious, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 20:38 (seventeen years ago) link

dear south african fake editor twit,

1) stop referring to yourself as an "editor" here. you work in the advertising department. editorial is going to be really pissed if they catch wind of this.

2) was it really necessary to start screaming and wailing, to imitate a baby? you couldn't have just, like, chatted about that shit like a normal person? you aren't in the cone of silence when you're in i4n's office. in fact, it appears to be the cone of amplification as far as i can tell.

sincerely yours,
the redheaded chick who basically never speaks to you at all

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Tuesday, 3 April 2007 21:31 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Ethiopian adoption officials, foster care workers, and bureaucrats,

Come on, y'all, git-r-dun. It's time.

Amesegënallô,

Matt C.

― Dimension 5ive, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 21:34 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear brain,

Thanks for the amazing dream last night. I *really* enjoyed that one.

yrs refreshed (but still with bedhair)
Trayce

― Trayce, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 21:44 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear girl I've had a crush on for way too long,

it doesn't help when I actually *like* your new boyfriend and his friends and the music he makes and the way you're happy together.

But anyway, I shouldn't be so stupid, I suppose.

Unrequited,
StanM

Dear StanM,
don't be so stupid and let the fuck go.
She's just not the one for you, fatty.

love,
StanM

― StanM, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 21:48 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Trish

Stop looking at Gordon Ramsay's stupid programme and go to fucking BED!

Seriously,

Trish

― accentmonkey, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 22:07 (seventeen years ago) link

The F Word?

― Michael White, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 22:09 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Michael,

No, Kitchen Nightmares, the one where he helps peoople turn their restaurants around. I've been looking at him fry chicken for an hour now. I am hungry.

Yours in batter,

Trish

― accentmonkey, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 22:11 (seventeen years ago) link

Trish!

Your postcard is on my fridge. Thanks!

Cheers
KL

― Hard like armour, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 22:20 (seventeen years ago) link

DEAR SNOW:

HI, IT IS APRIL.

SUCK A DICK.

LOVE,

GFF

― gff, Tuesday, 3 April 2007 22:57 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear ILX,
I miss you. I only have dial-up now at my new office. But I kind of don't miss you too, I'm getting so much done! But I miss you.
Love,
md

Dear Self,
See how many fewer hours you can spend working if you don't go on ILX all day?
Love,
Self

― Maria :D, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 00:27 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear v i n e yard dot net
hurry up and install highspeed near my office so I can go on ILX during the day.
Thanks,
Incurable

― Maria :D, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 00:28 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Trayce,

Stop listening to This Mortal Coil and Red House Painters when you're in this mood. You're trying to work here, not blubber at your desk you big idiot.

kick yo ass,
Me.

― Trayce, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 02:10 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Emerald City,

How I have missed you this past month. LA is sunny, true, but it doesn't have your special charms. Please be green tomorrow. Can you maybe keep the mountain out, right around 5? Because that would be awesome.

love,

poor wandering one

― Jaq, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 03:02 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear snow,

Fuck what that guy up there said--you did great work today.

Shredly yours,

an otter

Dear Ethiopian musicians,

Stay cool.

Best best,

a happy listener

― river wolf, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 03:20 (seventeen years ago) link

ps also ned is a treat for boredoms links

― river wolf, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 03:24 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Trayce,

No fucking kidding, eh. I have found the worst & biggest rekkid mistake of awl IS to listen to Billie Holliday after a breakup. Even if it wasn't like that abusive or malignant a relationship, she'll sing "he beats me too" and I get drawn into this other world where it's "maybe that could happen" grows into "TELL IT, BILLIE! WE'LL SHOW THAT WIFEBEATING FCUKER!"

Sharing for no reason,
Indulger in music of sads,
Yours in opposite hemisphere,
etc.,
kindly,

Abbott

― Abbott, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 03:50 (seventeen years ago) link

There are lots of girls on this thread I would like to listen to music with, but Abbott is the only one I want to listen to Billie Holliday with.

― Oilyrags, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 03:52 (seventeen years ago) link

MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL MISSIVES:

Dearity Dearest Jaq,

I am so sorry I haven't thanked you for all the wonderful kitchen tools. They are a godsend. I can actually make meals now! I made creme brulees and everything. I haven't even thank you yet and that makes me the world's biggest jerkwad, which does not effect your status as world's kindest mailer of practical, elegant, wonderful things.

I got my tax refunds today & I'll totally buy you a Sonic card.

Both humbly and gratefully

Procrastinabbott

― Abbott, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 03:54 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Oliyrags,

Your levity makes me feel better more than Billie Holliday makes me feel worst.

Red beans & ricely,
Abbott

― Abbott, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 03:55 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Abbott -

Aw, that's sweet! I'm really more of an Ella guy, myself, because she's so sunshiney and uplifting and sweet and I have enough gloom and oppressive weight and bitterness in my psyche already.

Chicken with green chili saucily,
Austin

― Oilyrags, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 04:42 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear river wolf,

I am glad to have shared the love.

Yers,
The Link Guy Again

Dear Abbott,

Kitchen tools from Jaq! Why, that's better than gold. :-)

Yours,
A Somewhat Cook

― Ned Raggett, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 04:56 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Hard Like Armour,

It was my pleasure. I am glad you like your card.

Trish

― accentmonkey, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 06:55 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Trayce,

I hope you feel better soon. Try listening to rubbish, works for me sometimes.

Kv

― kv_nol, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 08:36 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear StanM,

try not so suggest Garbage after kv_nol's last post, because it's not actually very funny.

StanM

― StanM, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 08:42 (seventeen years ago) link

(damn!)

― StanM, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 08:42 (seventeen years ago) link

dear durnk,

stop i rak to mch

lovemax

― max, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 08:45 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Stan,

Hahah!

heh,
Trayce

― Trayce, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 10:26 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Max,

That's nice, dear.

Love,

durnk.

― accentmonkey, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 12:11 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear drunkenrn ilxors

yey
me

― Trayce, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 12:33 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear beloved college,

Your bookstore hours are ridiculous for a school that has a lot of weekend and evening students. It's really causing trouble for a lot of people. Would it be that hard to stay open until 5:30 pm, or even 5 pm?

Love,
Sara R-C

P.S. Your profs seem to be uniformly awesome.

― Sara R-C, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 13:10 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear people I will be having an interview with tomorrow,

Please take me into your school. I've messed up enough interview already, worked hard for this one, so please be cool and pick me. I promise you I will be as good as possible during the 2-3 years i'll spend there

Love
Jibe

― Jibe, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 13:14 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Jibe,

Good luck with your interview!

Sincerely,
Sara R-C

― Sara R-C, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 13:19 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Abbott,

You're so welcome! I meant to put a note in there - that weird little black thing, with all the parts? It's a corkscrew. And it is too awesome that you used the blowtorch!

Hooray for ILX-style freecycling :)

yr friend in patisserie,

Jaq

― Jaq, Wednesday, 4 April 2007 13:43 (seventeen years ago) link

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