Movies That Were Probably Made By a Spasm of Six Year-Olds on Acid: The Top 75 Action Films Poll Results Thread

I am trying to come to terms with the incoherence in my wild swings between championing and condemning equally questionable movies.

Yeah, but I mean...the earth is constantly MOVING. Does that mean every movie set on EARTH is an ACTION movie? Ha. I think not.

I never saw Speed

I did, however, see SPEED 2

in the THEATER

for FREE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSzUBvwe6kg

.the earth is constantly MOVING. Does that mean every movie set on EARTH is an ACTION movie? Ha. I think not.

depends on whether the earth is about to blow up or not iirc

The 5th Element is like the #1 movie that my wife will watch anytime it's on TV that i will either immediately register my disapproval and campaign to watch something else or go find something else to do, can't stand that fucking movie

I really think they should have kept the franchise going with Sandra Bullock accidentally wandering into all of these situations with vehicles that can't be stopped and a new dashing leading man attempting to save the day.

you know what, there is one movie where the plot is resolved through the rotation of the earth, and that movie is superman

SPEED 7: RUNAWAY GONDOLA

Bullitt is amazing b/c it's so UN-actiony! And the soundtrack is so lackadaisical compared to what's happening, there's some tense scene and yet the music has the feel of "walking to the bakery on a sunny Sunday morning, la la la." Also there's no dialogue WHATSOEVER for like 13 minutes during the big chase scene.

someone needs to make "The Earth that couldn't slow down"

How can the same shit happen to the same gal five times!?

Superman is so awesome, not least for having such a classically Silver-Age Superman/nonsensical plot resolution

xp

like even when I was an 8yo I didn't understand how spinning the earth backwards was supposed to make time go backwards

I really think they should have kept the franchise going with Sandra Bullock accidentally wandering into all of these situations with vehicles that can't be stopped and a new dashing leading man attempting to save the day.

― I spend a lot of time thinking about apricots (DJP), Wednesday, February 15, 2012 11:22 AM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

well she was in the blind side

Things that were good about the speed movies: bus jumping huge gap, cruise ship crashing into port for like 15 minutes.

i shamefully have never seen the fifth element but there was a movie review site i used to read when it came out and i still remember that the first line of the review for it was, "i have seen the future and it is really skinny women" which still makes me lol.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GINhAtoaV6A

In Speed 10, Sandra Bullock's character would be a total agoraphobic shut-in who never leaves her remote house... which is now hurtling down the mountainside as part of an avalanche set off by crafty bank robbers! How will Gerard Butler save our heroine and stop the snow from sweeping millions of dollars into the villains' arms???

How can the same shit happen to the same gal five times!?

dude have you ever seen Murder She Wrote? after a season or two it's a wonder that she wasn't being routinely arrested on suspicion of murder... my fantasy ending for that series was for Angela Lansbury to reveal in the final episode that she was actually a psychopath who had murdered all the victims from previous episodes and framed the convicted killers.

I think The Fifth Element might be the first movie to place that I'm not terribly interested in revisiting. I remember liking it okay, but I also remember it being way too...noncommittal, maybe? Like Besson didn't seem all that invested in making a compelling or coherent movie. The visual style isn't enough on its own to do much for me, especially when faced with an hour of Chris Tucker's screeching.

"Murder She Wrought"

xp

Just to keep us going, a little thematic diversion:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TO_1VYIrHs

Suck it, Bullitt.

First half of 5E with Leeloo's introducton and Bruce Willis being surly and the cigarette dispensers and the people being hidden in comedy drop-down showers and refrigerators and things = win. Second half = meh.

the costumes are amazing

It's OK, I wasn't invested in seeing a coherent movie, so LB BFF

like even when I was an 8yo I didn't understand how spinning the earth backwards was supposed to make time go backwards

― max buzzword (Shakey Mo Collier), Wednesday, February 15, 2012 12:24 PM (6 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this enraged me then and still kinda does

i know!

xsxp Yeah, people wearing geometric bubble shapes on their heads as hats is pretty cool, too.

like even when I was an 8yo I didn't understand how spinning the earth backwards was supposed to make time go backwards

And people wonder why Americans are bad at science.

It's the theory of relativity. Time does go backwards because Superman goes faster than the speed of light. However, time only goes backwards for *him*. The rest of the Supermans are all told from his time-altered perspective.

whoa

In Speed 10, Sandra Bullock's character would be a total agoraphobic shut-in who never leaves her remote house... which is now hurtling down the mountainside as part of an avalanche set off by crafty bank robbers!

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l2qdktbpVi1qc073co1_400.gif

I was sure Speed would be top ten. Damn you all

think your confusing speeding bullets with the speed of light there...

xp

xpost If Superman went long and fast enough, he'd reach the beginning of the universe. Which of course would be a quantum paradox that would probably destroy everything. Which is why Superman should only do it for important things, like saving Lois.

Superman totally hits light speed. He even leaves little light speed trails!

Plots for all potential Speed movies could probably be a whole thread.

please let them be.

superman could hit light speed but I don't think he has the mass required to distort the time-space continuum

where's caek when you need him

But his mass will increase as he gets closer to light speed, until he approaches infinite mass. YOU JUST GOT EINSTEINED.

1994 Keanu Zen vehicles:

Little Buddha > Speed

wonder how little buddha is gonna place

I drove a '94 Keanu Zen for a while. It handled like whoa.

Will Point Blank place? In addition to Point Break?

If ever I regretted forgetting to vote in a poll, it is this one.. still, happy to see that Commando placed \m/ Every McBain joke on the Simpsons ever was already made with a straight face in that movie!

Not forgetting Pitch Black!

la femme nikita - dope, but besson needs to stop rehashing this over and over

district 9 - i was hard on this movie when it came out for the pumped up action stuff, but by the same token... the action in it is REALLY fucking sweet. i think it's a movie where my esteem of it has risen a lot since it came out. could really use more movies like this and fewer dark of the moons

total recall - proudly voted for this, gonzo fun with sick effects, great one-liners, ultraviolence and brutalist architecture. and some cool ass sci fi shit to ~make u think~ - i like it more than starship troopers, but not as much as robocop

the wild bunch - havent seen this since i was 13, and ive never been excited about revisiting it. in my head it's a little bit of a drag

the great escape - i've never been a steve mcqueen guy at all. his 'understated cool' always seemed too close to boring for me. replace him with lee marvin and im on board

commando - probably the best movie with a badguy wearing a chainmail vest made of lavender yarn. i watched this back to back with 'red heat' a while back, and while it's far worse and less competently made, commando is also way way more entertaining. here's my favorite exchange from it:

Matrix: [reading about Boy George in a pop magazine] Why don't they just call him Girl George? It would cut down on the confusion.
Jenny: Oh, Dad, that is so old.
Matrix: Ha Ha. You know when I was a boy and rock'n'roll came to East Germany, the communists said it was subversive.
[thinks and smiles]
Matrix: Maybe they were right.

the steel drum soundtrack is pretty kickin rad too. commando was also one of those 80s action movies where the female lead rolls her eyes and complains about how much she hates 'macho stuff'. i seem to notice a line like that in 4 out of 5 80s action pictures i watch, i guess that was like a go-to thing for screenwriters back then.

the killer - owns. i should've swapped its spot with a better tomorrow though, because i like the latter more. woo's best macho tragedy is probably a bullet in the head, but i felt like it was too serious for me to vote for as an action movie

the fifth element - loved it when i was a kid, but its too stupid and goofy for me now. its a kids movie. dig the production design though, i like how it looks like a euro sci fi comic

speed - awesome as hell, i should've rated it higher. can watch this any time it's on. one of keanu's most convincing performances. and omg sandy...

bullitt - sick chase but i tend to zone out through the rest of the movie, didnt vote for it