Alternate endings to classic jokes

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What happened to my careful formatting? Mr Greenspun, I'm looking at YOU.

― Lady Space Pilot, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

What's black and white and red all over? Well, simply, it's an impossibility. If one can see black and white, then it isn't red all over; if it is red all over, then one wouldn't be able to see black and white; at best, depending on the hue of the red, one might be able to discern darker and lighter shades beneath.

Mutilated Zebra my arse.

― Nathan Barley, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Q: How does Snoop wash his whites?

A: With Clorox and a name- brand detergent.

― Tracer Hand, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

When is a door, not a door?
When it's a gate, hatch or set of jail bars.....

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the farmer and fox chasing it....
[hey, you didn't say they had to be good answers.]
― Nichole Graham, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
With careful marketing and voice coaching lessons.
― Dom Passantino, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

(arched brow) Who do I kick to get my proper formatting back?
― Nichole Graham, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Me.
― nabisco%%, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Oops. Was me. I am in tag closing failure HELL. I've issued a come and get me plea in a bid to be released from this punishment.

― Nathan Barley, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Maybe not?

― nabisco%%, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Hahaha gaze upon my magnificent power.

― nabisco%%, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I kneel before you as a humble supplicant awed by your power, oh taglord. You RoXoR and I ph34r you much.

― Nathan Barley, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. Factual *and* (the) actual (joke). This is my favourite joke. I heart this thread.

― Ellie, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Does anyone remember my exploding sheep joke?

If jokes were footballing nations, it would definitely be er.......a good team. There's noone safe to say in this, "the most exciting World Cup in years".

― Ronan, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

wait it wasn't exploding, it was interrupting.

― Ronan, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Alan is a genius.

This is not the first time I have had this thought.

― felicity, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. How can a fucking banana knock on a door?

― Justyn Dillingham, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Q. what do you call a deer with no eyes?

A. a deer with no eyes.

― richard john gillanders, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Me and a friend used to get "5001 jokes for kids", cut it up and put different punchlines with different jokes. I forget any of our results but it's good fun.

― Lynskey, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?

Possessed of extremely good balance.

― Matt, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

My Mother in Law is so fat that we're actually desperately worried about her health. She finds even basic tasks incredibly difficult due to the stress placed upon her respiratory system. Yesterday she collapsed but due to the many layers of adipose tissue the paramedics were unable to manually stimulate her lungs. She may die.

― Matt, Tuesday, 11 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own? It didn't have a kickstand.

This honestly is my favorite thread ever.

― Vinnie, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Interrupting Sheep.

Interrupting Sheep Wh.........BAA!

Do you see?

― Ronan, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

A man returns from the urologist and immediately puts on his best suit. His wife asks him why. He responds, "Well, the doctor say I'm impotent, so I'm going to the pharmacist's for some Viagra. I want to look my best for the attractive woman who works there. By the way, I'm leaving you."

― Colin Meeder, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Q: what's brown and sticky? A: shit.

Two nuns in the bath... one nun says to the other nun "Where's the soap". The other one says "It's by your elbow".

― misterjones, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

mother superior walks past the nun's dormitory, "Candles out, girls" she calls, at which they all lean over, blow out their burning candles and have a great night's sleep. (Another Bernard Righton)

― Alan Trewartha, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

A guy was driving through the countryside one evening and his car stalled. The only building around for miles was a monastery, so he went inside and asked the head monk if he could stay the night. They gave him a room and later that night he was awakened by a strange noise. The next morning he asked the head monk what it was, and the reply was, "I can't tell you, you're not a monk." So he shrugged and asked for a nickel to call a tow truck.

― Justyn Dillingham, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A: His scrotum.

― Billy Dods, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex is when the genitals of one partner are stimulated by the mouth of the other. Anal sex is intercourse using the anus.

― Billy Dods, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

What's the only type of wood that can't float?
Mahogany.

― Dom Passantino, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Did you hear about the gay musician?
He suffered unfair discrimination because of his choice of lifestyle and successfully sued his employers at an industrial tribunal.

― Dom Passantino, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Here's one for all the rockers out there:

My wife went to the West Indies.

Jamaica?

Nobody's Fault But Mine.

― PJ Miller, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

[can we have a companion thread with all the correct answers for idiots like me?]

― michael, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

My wife joined a 90s funk band with a twat of a vocalist in a stupid hat.
- Jamiraquai?
No, she went of her own accord.

[not a sensible answer, but still worth a re-post here i feel]

― Alan Trewartha, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

What have Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo got in common?
They were both highly regarded in their respective fields before their untimely deaths.

― Dom Passantino, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

What time the the Chinese man go to the dentist?

At about ten in the morning. His appointment was for 9:45 but the dentist was delayed.

― Pete, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

(Sorry, but is this a different joke from the one I know? Why does the man have to be Chinese? Are you some kind of racialist Pete? I thought the answer was two thirty / tooth hurty which doesn't really require a 'comedy' accent to work.)

― Emma, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Knock knock!

Who's there?

A man with no arms!

What are you knocking with then?

Wouldn't you like to know!

― jel --, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

(er didn't read the original question!)

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Unfortunate.

― jel --, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

My wife's gone on holiday!

Jakarta?

Yes, she's having a wonderful time, I got a postcard this morning, look at the interesting stamp.

― jel --, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

My wife watches Saudi television.

Al Jazeera?

No, I'm deaf.

― PJ Miller, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I went to the doctor this morning, and he told me I had acute angina. I was quite worried as that's rather serious.

― Dom Passantino, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of (Chinese) curtains.

Hmm, I think I should refer you to a psychologist.

― Pete, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Doctor Doctor I feel like a bridge!

I'm a newsagent not a doctor!

― jel --, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

What have David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher got in common?
Neither of them have cooties.

― Dom Passantino, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Steve

― jel --, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

What do you call a man with no arms and legs out at sea?

In serious danger of drowning. Someone should call the lifeguard immediately. or Steve.

― Ellie, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Why did the boy throw the clock out of the window?

Because he's a destructive little sod, that's why. Now, in my day kids were well-behaved, spoke only when they were spoken to, etc. etc.

― Jeff W, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. It was early morning and I hadn't time to change into proper safari wear. I remember thinking "maybe I should a robe on, but if I do the elephant might get away", so I didn't. Funnily enough, for breakfast I had a poached egg.

― lawrence kansas, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

*put* robe on

― lawrence kansas, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

What's the difference between a bra and the French football team? One is obviously a collective name for a squad of 23 individuals, whilst the other is an undergarment.

― Nathan Barley, Wednesday, 12 June 2002 00:00 (twenty-two years ago) link

Skipping 133 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

what goes 'aaaa aaaaa aaaaa'

an extremely distressed child

― steep? that's where i'm off hiking (darraghmac), Monday, 27 February 2012 23:51 (twelve years ago) link

Prank call edition:

* ring ring *
Caller: Is the refrigerator running?
Unsuspecting Dupe: Uh... yes?
Caller: Oh. You must not be a Bears fan, because William Perry suffers from Guillain–Barré syndrome and probably isn't running anywhere, you insensitive clod.
* hang up *

― a serious minestrone rockist (remy bean), Monday, 27 February 2012 23:55 (twelve years ago) link

what's red and invisible

infra red light

― steep? that's where i'm off hiking (darraghmac), Monday, 27 February 2012 23:58 (twelve years ago) link

Q: What's yellow and dangerous?
A: Mustard Gas

― get ready for the banter (NotEnough), Tuesday, 28 February 2012 13:40 (twelve years ago) link

"Knock knock"

"I'm sorry, who are you disparaging? I wasn't listening."

― Mark G, Tuesday, 28 February 2012 13:48 (twelve years ago) link

Q: How many kangaroos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. It'd have to be a very large lightbulb though.

― Mark G, Tuesday, 28 February 2012 13:54 (twelve years ago) link

A horse walks into a bar. The barman shoos it out and tells its rider animals are not allowed in the bar, except guide dogs.

― Viva Brother Beyond (ithappens), Tuesday, 28 February 2012 14:08 (twelve years ago) link

A man sees another man with a banana sticking out of his ear. He informs him, "Excuse me, but did you know you have a banana in your ear?" The other man replies, "I'm sorry but I can't hear you - I attended a My Bloody Valentine show and couldn't wear earplugs because of the banana in my ear."

― Race Against Rockism (Myonga Vön Bontee), Tuesday, 28 February 2012 18:59 (twelve years ago) link

three months pass...

https://twitter.com/#!/AntiJokeCat

― Britain's Obtusest Shepherd (Alan), Thursday, 21 June 2012 08:26 (twelve years ago) link

Anti-Joke Cat‏@AntiJokeCat
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

fail: joke.

― Mark G, Thursday, 21 June 2012 08:46 (twelve years ago) link

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Odd question in terms of intentionality, does a chicken have any conception of 'road'.

― Stevolende, Thursday, 21 June 2012 22:23 (twelve years ago) link

four years pass...

When you're sliding into first, and you feel something burst...

God is dead.

― Neanderthal, Sunday, 3 July 2016 15:14 (seven years ago) link

'How do I get to Carnegie hall"
"Lady, go up 5th avenue, take a left at 57th street, down two blocks and there you are"

― Mark G, Monday, 4 July 2016 19:32 (seven years ago) link

eight months pass...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 had strong romantic feelings for 7 but subconsciously wondered if he wasn't good enough for her and how he could make the relationship work on his salary and how her kids from a previous relationship would receive him

― Neanderthal, Friday, 31 March 2017 03:42 (seven years ago) link

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

An elephant with a chronic case of diarrhea, and also it's part rhino.

― Ambling Shambling Man (Old Lunch), Friday, 31 March 2017 12:31 (seven years ago) link

four years pass...

A man walks in the park and sees another man with a dog sitting on a bench. "Does your dog bite?", asks the first man. "No" The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angrily.

The second man replied - "Aye, normally he doesn't, but you're an annoying cunt"

― Gardyloominati (Neanderthal), Sunday, 26 September 2021 14:53 (two years ago) link

two years pass...

Did you hear about the guy who stole all of the toilets from the police station?

Yeah, that sucks

― Disco Biollante (Neanderthal), Saturday, 13 January 2024 14:33 (five months ago) link

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