slaves, tell me about 50 Shades of Grey

omg H4A that is spectacular

also lol some dude

the mental image of neverending meringue created by sexual activity is probably worse.

Gives "santorum" a run for its money.

My god, DJP. You are a monster.

He’s like several different people in one body. Isn’t that a symptom of schizophrenia? I must Google that.
Fifty Shades Darker, p. 82.

Def straying into sissymh territory, though, with the juicy tailpipe.

A co-worker told me that Christian Grey utters the line "I am fifty shades of fucked up."

hahha H4A that is great, "huevos"

He continued to relentlessly, unflinchingly nookie me down there, causing my inner goddess to bake meringues

At the end of the day I did it all for the nookie, but he never took that cookie and shoved it up my hey.

bwahahahha

I cannot get the image out of my head of a "What he's thinking (scary guy with leather mask inflicting pain) / What she's thinking (goddess doing yoga on cloud)" cartoon

has this been posted already?
http://www.jest.com/video/174214/gilbert-gottfried-reads-fifty-shades-of-grey

if not here, it was posted on another thread, but yeah that was posted

Def straying into sissymh territory, though, with the juicy tailpipe.

― oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken. (Austerity Ponies), Wednesday, May 23, 2012 11:43 AM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

hey what

lol

haha that abbreviation was unfortunate

i was super amused by the gottfried thing but maybe i am more amused than most by the one joke that is gilbert gottfried. when he tips his head back and howls HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY FUCK (apparently a rare moment of abandon for prim anastasia steele!) i lol hard. i watched it like three times. idk what that says.

http://www.avclub.com/articles/fifty-shades-of-grey-hits-10-million-copies-sold-m,75540/

Don't fool yerself, girl /
It's goin' right up yer poop chute

He sighs and runs his hands through his hair again. “It goes back to being 50 shades of fucked up Isabella. I need to control you. I need you to behave in a certain way, and if you don’t … I love to watch your beautiful alabaster skin, pink and warm up under my hands. It turns me on.”

Holy shit. Now we’re getting somewhere.

“So it’s not the pain you’re putting me through?”

“A bit, to see if you can take it, but that’s not the whole reason. It’s the fact that you are mine do with as I see fit – ultimate control over someone else. Look, I’m not explaining myself very well, I’ve never had to before. I’ve not really thought about this in any great depth. I’ve always been with… like-minded people,” he shrugs apologetically. “And you still haven’t answered my question – how did you feel afterwards?”

“Confused.”

“You were sexually aroused by it Isabella.” He closes his eyes briefly, and when he re-opens them and gazes at me they are smoldering green embers. His expression pulls at that dark part of me, buried in the depths of my belly – my libido, woken and tamed by him, but even now… insatiable.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he murmurs.

I frown. Jeez what have I done now?

“I don’t have any condoms, Isabella, and you know, you’re upset. Contrary to what your roommate believes, I’m not a priapic monster. So, you felt confused?”

I squirm under his intense gaze.

“You have no problem being honest with me in print. Your emails always tell me exactly how you feel. Why can’t you do that in conversation? Do I intimidate you that much?”

I pick at an imaginary spot on my mother’s blue and cream quilt.

“You dazzle me, Edward. Completely overwhelm me. I feel like Icarus flying too close to the sun,” I whisper.

He gasps. “Well, I think you’ve got that the wrong way around.”

“What?”

“Oh Isabella, you’ve bewitched me. Isn’t it obvious?”

No, not to me. Bewitched… my inner goddess is staring open-mouthed. Even she doesn’t believe this.

I'm Not A Priapic Monster = please be someone's new ilx username kthxbye

oh barf, inner goddess OH JEEZ

“Touching is a hard limit for me Isabella,” he whispers.

“I know. I wish I understood why…”

After an age, he sighs, and in a soft voice he says, “I had a horrific childhood. I think one of the crack-whore’s pimps…” his voice trails off. “I can remember that.”

I feel the shudder that goes through him.

“Was she abusive? Your mother?”

“Not that I remember. She was neglectful. I think it was me who looked after her. When she finally killed herself, it took four days for someone to raise the alarm, and find us. I remember that.”

I cannot contain my gasp of horror. Holy mother fuck. I feel nauseous.

“Well, that’s pretty… fucked-up,” I whisper.

“Fifty shades.”

I turn my head and press my lips against his neck, seeking and offering solace. He smells heavenly, my favorite fragrance in the entire world… Edward. He tightens his arms around me and kisses my hair, and I sit wrapped in his embrace as Taylor speeds into the night.

I think one of the crack-whore’s pimps…” his voice trails off. “I can remember that.”

wait, what

I feel like someone is beating me in the face with an English phrasebook

smoldering green embers

his face was an ashen shade of bright orange

her ass was as red as a frozen hot pocket

"I'm a sadist, Bella. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore - my birth mother. I'm sure you can guess why." He says it in a rush, like he's had the sentence in his head for days and days, and is desperate to be rid of it.

Oh no. It's not what I expected, but it does explain why we all look the same. My immediate thought is that Lauren was right – Master is dark. I recall the first conversation we had about his tendencies, we were in the red room of pain.

"You said you weren't a sadist," I whisper. I am definitely not as shocked as I think I ought to be.

"I know. Like I said, I lied to you. And I lie to myself about it. I'm sorry." He looks briefly down at his manicured fingernails – and I would say he's mortified.

Mortified about lying to me? Or about what he is?

"When you asked me that question, I had envisioned a very different relationship between us," he murmurs. I can tell by his gaze that he's terrified.

Then it hits me like a demolition ball. If he's a sadist, he really needs all that whipping shit. Oh fuck. I put my head in my hands.

"So it's true," I whisper. "I can't give you what you need." I glance up at him briefly. This is it – this really does mean we are incompatible. The world starts falling away at my feet, and collapsing around me as panic grips my throat. My subconscious is wearing her Edvard Munch face.

My subconscious is wearing her Edvard Munch face. My subconscious is wearing her Edvard Munch face. My subconscious is wearing her Edvard Munch face. My subconscious is wearing her Edvard Munch face. My subconscious is wearing her Edvard Munch face. My subconscious is wearing her Edvard Munch face.

ahahahahaha

erica otm

there can't be much room in there with her subconscious and her inner goddess running around the place

simultaneously my inner goddess is wearing her georgette from the mary tyler moore show face.

A red haze falls over my vision. My inner goddess and my subconcsious are dressed up like Laverne and Shirley.

this is terrible twilight fanfiction, edward is no longer a vampire and has green eyes? everyone knows edward's eyes are LIQUID TOPAZ

"I know what you're doing." His voice is low and husky.

"I know you know, Mr. Cullen," I reply softly. "That's the point." I pick up an asparagus stalk, gaze slowly sideways at him from beneath my lashes, then dip the asparagus into the hollandaise sauce, swirling the tip around and around.

"You're not turning the tables on me, Miss Swan." Smirking, he reaches over and takes the spear from me – amazingly and annoyingly managing to not touch me again. No, this isn't right. This is not going according to plan. Gah!

"Open your mouth," he commands, softly.

I am losing this battle of wills. I glance up at him again and his eyes blaze bright green. Parting my lips a fraction, I run my tongue across my lower lip. Edward smiles slightly, and his eyes darken further.

"Wider," he breathes, his mouth open slightly. I can see his tongue. I groan inwardly.

I briefly bite my bottom lip, then do as he asks. I hear his sharp intake of breath… he's not so immune. Good, I am finally getting to him. My inner goddess fist-pumps the air above her chaise longue.

Keeping my eyes locked on his, I take the spear in my mouth, and suck, gently, delicately, on the end. The hollandaise sauce is mouthwatering. I bite down, moaning quietly in appreciation.

it got 1900 5 star reviews on amazon. I need a new job.

his words drip from his honeyed tongue like cans of beans falling off a high shelf.

*inner goddess fist-pumps the air*

lol @ how we were complaining that suzanne collins narrated things too vaguely in the hunger games thread. thank god 50 shades of grey is here to narrate the millimeter-by-millimeter movement of an asparagus stalk from the plate to someone's mouth

"fuckin' a," hoops my inner goddess.

i foresee someone getting a good thesis out of the way anastasia denies ownership of her own desires by deflecting them onto some imaginary "other" inside her.

thank god 50 shades of grey is here to narrate the millimeter-by-millimeter movement of an asparagus stalk from the plate to someone's mouth

― producer / dj / humanitarian (reddening), Wednesday, May 23, 2012 8:19 PM (14 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

it's funny because this is very true to stephanie meyer's narration, except in twilight it's about bella's moment by moment experience of googling "vampire" and then clicking the pop-up ads closed. i thought of it is "microscopic realism" or "the new banality" when i was reading twilight.

"microscopic realism" and "the new banality" both sound like genres/movements that could contain both stephanie meyer and tao lin

yeah it's some zeitgeisty stuff, right?

sometimes i don't know how i feel about the whole enterprise of fiction anyway

I opened my web browser.

It hung for a while. The little circle went round and round the blank tab.

I ate some dead skin off the cuticle of my left index finger.

Then the browser fixed itself and I read horseshoe's new post.

oh my god, the "bella googles vampires" sequence in twilight was deeply, painfully embarrassing to read! there's a lot to hate about those books, but that sequence in particular was just so bad. look i know this isn't the twilight thread but i have to post it:

I hated using the Internet here. My modem was sadly outdated, my free service substandard; just dialing up took so long that I decided to go get myself a bowl of cereal while I waited.

I ate slowly, chewing each bite with care. When I was done, I washed the bowl and spoon, dried them, and put them away. My feet dragged as I climbed the stairs. I went to my CD player first, picking it up off the floor and placing it precisely in the center of the table. I pulled out the headphones, and put them away in the desk drawer. Then I turned the same CD on, turning it down to the point where it was background noise.

With another sigh, I turned to my computer. Naturally, the screen was covered in pop-up ads. I sat in my hard folding chair and began closing all the little windows. Eventually I made it to my favorite search
engine. I shot down a few more pop-ups and then typed in one word.

Vampire.

It took an infuriatingly long time, of course. When the results came up, there was a lot to sift through — everything from movies and TV shows to role-playing games, underground metal, and gothic cosmetic companies.

ughhhhhhhhh and to top it all off she puts the single-word common noun "vampire" into a search engine like the dumbest fuck to have ever existed ughhhhhh

About 366,000,000 results (0.18 seconds)