slaves, tell me about 50 Shades of Grey

ahahahahaha

erica otm

there can't be much room in there with her subconscious and her inner goddess running around the place

simultaneously my inner goddess is wearing her georgette from the mary tyler moore show face.

A red haze falls over my vision. My inner goddess and my subconcsious are dressed up like Laverne and Shirley.

this is terrible twilight fanfiction, edward is no longer a vampire and has green eyes? everyone knows edward's eyes are LIQUID TOPAZ

"I know what you're doing." His voice is low and husky.

"I know you know, Mr. Cullen," I reply softly. "That's the point." I pick up an asparagus stalk, gaze slowly sideways at him from beneath my lashes, then dip the asparagus into the hollandaise sauce, swirling the tip around and around.

"You're not turning the tables on me, Miss Swan." Smirking, he reaches over and takes the spear from me – amazingly and annoyingly managing to not touch me again. No, this isn't right. This is not going according to plan. Gah!

"Open your mouth," he commands, softly.

I am losing this battle of wills. I glance up at him again and his eyes blaze bright green. Parting my lips a fraction, I run my tongue across my lower lip. Edward smiles slightly, and his eyes darken further.

"Wider," he breathes, his mouth open slightly. I can see his tongue. I groan inwardly.

I briefly bite my bottom lip, then do as he asks. I hear his sharp intake of breath… he's not so immune. Good, I am finally getting to him. My inner goddess fist-pumps the air above her chaise longue.

Keeping my eyes locked on his, I take the spear in my mouth, and suck, gently, delicately, on the end. The hollandaise sauce is mouthwatering. I bite down, moaning quietly in appreciation.

it got 1900 5 star reviews on amazon. I need a new job.

his words drip from his honeyed tongue like cans of beans falling off a high shelf.

*inner goddess fist-pumps the air*

lol @ how we were complaining that suzanne collins narrated things too vaguely in the hunger games thread. thank god 50 shades of grey is here to narrate the millimeter-by-millimeter movement of an asparagus stalk from the plate to someone's mouth

"fuckin' a," hoops my inner goddess.

i foresee someone getting a good thesis out of the way anastasia denies ownership of her own desires by deflecting them onto some imaginary "other" inside her.

thank god 50 shades of grey is here to narrate the millimeter-by-millimeter movement of an asparagus stalk from the plate to someone's mouth

― producer / dj / humanitarian (reddening), Wednesday, May 23, 2012 8:19 PM (14 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

it's funny because this is very true to stephanie meyer's narration, except in twilight it's about bella's moment by moment experience of googling "vampire" and then clicking the pop-up ads closed. i thought of it is "microscopic realism" or "the new banality" when i was reading twilight.

"microscopic realism" and "the new banality" both sound like genres/movements that could contain both stephanie meyer and tao lin

yeah it's some zeitgeisty stuff, right?

sometimes i don't know how i feel about the whole enterprise of fiction anyway

I opened my web browser.

It hung for a while. The little circle went round and round the blank tab.

I ate some dead skin off the cuticle of my left index finger.

Then the browser fixed itself and I read horseshoe's new post.

oh my god, the "bella googles vampires" sequence in twilight was deeply, painfully embarrassing to read! there's a lot to hate about those books, but that sequence in particular was just so bad. look i know this isn't the twilight thread but i have to post it:

I hated using the Internet here. My modem was sadly outdated, my free service substandard; just dialing up took so long that I decided to go get myself a bowl of cereal while I waited.

I ate slowly, chewing each bite with care. When I was done, I washed the bowl and spoon, dried them, and put them away. My feet dragged as I climbed the stairs. I went to my CD player first, picking it up off the floor and placing it precisely in the center of the table. I pulled out the headphones, and put them away in the desk drawer. Then I turned the same CD on, turning it down to the point where it was background noise.

With another sigh, I turned to my computer. Naturally, the screen was covered in pop-up ads. I sat in my hard folding chair and began closing all the little windows. Eventually I made it to my favorite search
engine. I shot down a few more pop-ups and then typed in one word.

Vampire.

It took an infuriatingly long time, of course. When the results came up, there was a lot to sift through — everything from movies and TV shows to role-playing games, underground metal, and gothic cosmetic companies.

ughhhhhhhhh and to top it all off she puts the single-word common noun "vampire" into a search engine like the dumbest fuck to have ever existed ughhhhhh

About 366,000,000 results (0.18 seconds)

was she using lycos or altavista

pls tell me that scene is in the movie

CUT TO: kristen stewart views 366 million internet pages re: 'vampire' on a slow modem

Oh christ. That's almost worse than DJP's car-porn passage upthread.

She drove to Ikea at Kungens Kurva and spent three hours browsing through the merchandise, writing down the item numbers she needed. She made a few quick decisions.

She bought two karlanda sofas with sand coloured upholstery, five Poäng armchairs, two round side tables of clear lacquered birch, a Svansbo coffee table, and several Lack occasional tables. From the storage department she ordered two Ivar combination storage units and two Bonde bookshelves, a TV stand, and a Magiker unit with doors. She settled on a Pax Nexus three-door wardrobe and two small Malm bureaus.

She spent a long time selecting a bed, and decided on a Hemnes bed from with mattress and bedside table. To be on the safe side, she also bought a Lillehammer bed to put in the spare room. She didn't plan on having an guests, but since she had a guest room she might as well furnish it.

The bathroom in her new apartment was already equipped with a medicine cabinet, towel storage, and a washing machine the previous owners had left behind. All she had to buy was a cheap laundry basket.

What she did need, though, was kitchen furniture. After some thought she decided on a Rosfors kitchen table of solid beechwood with a tabletop of tempered glass and four colourful kitchen chairs.

She also needed furniture for her office. She looked at some improbable work stations: with ingenious cabinets for storing computers and keyboards. In the end she shook her head and ordered an ordinary desk, the Galant, in beech veneer with an angled top and rounded corners, and a large filing cabinet. She took a long time choosing an office chair—in which she would no doubt spend many hours—and chose one of the most expensive options, the Verksam.

She made her way through the entire warehouse and bought a good supply of sheets, pillowcases, hand towels, duvets, blankets, pillows, a starter pack of stainless steel cutlery, some crockery, pots and pans, cutting boards, three big rug, several work lamps, and a huge quantity of office supplies—folders, file boxes, wastepaper baskets, storage boxes, and the like.

according to a diligent amazon reviewer, "jeez" appears 81 times in this thing, and there are 58 references to the heroine's "inner goddess"

xxp she does do a vampire web search in the movie, but they set it to a cool soundtrack and make her face look all shadowy and tormented and there aren't any pop-ups

thank god she included all those ikea brand names, it'll be a really helpful reference tool when i construct my 50 shades of grey Sims house

that was Stieg Larsson. Just pointing out that crushing banality seems to be a prerequisite for huge book sales these day

"eventually making it to [your] favorite search engine" seems like a good acting class exercise to work on

now i'm going to have to watch that Kristen Stewart school of acting video again

well it got me looking and sure enough, there are 50 shades of grey sims:

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3giykTZiD1rrjldvo1_1280.jpg

i admit, i haven't played sims in a long time, i didn't know they added frottage as an option

Frottage and black mass, apparently.

Confused: is Bella in one of the sequels to 50 Shades? I thought the chick was named Anastasia

I think the Bella is from the version of this book before E.L. James used find replace.

Yeah, catch up, this is Twilight fanfic with diff names. And non-vampires initiate sex in the bathroom in case they need a place to grow a tampon.

THROW, lol

Throwing Tampons...that was Live's second album, right?

i'm sticking with grow

"grow a tampon" sounds like heathers-style 80s teen slang

tamponizer

grow one tampon, you munch...

Lightning crashes, an inner goddess cries
Her tampon is thrown to the floor.

http://50shadesofsuck.tumblr.com/

Raiding the fridge once more, I gather potatoes, ham, and—Yes!—peas from the freezer.

"Good. Where’s the ice cream?”

“In the oven.” I smile sweetly at him.

He cocks his head to one side, sighs, and shakes his head at me. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Miss Steele.” His eyes glitter.

there needs to be a war and these two need to be drafted.

That Selena Gomez video linked to on the tumblr is very amusing, and Ms. Gomez is [quickly googles her date of birth] very appealing in it.

One day I will fuck you in this elevator, Anastasia

50 floors of grey

imagine what creative writing teachers are going to have to contend with after this.