well anything - i just mean that alone time can also be really valuable
― coal, Tuesday, 12 June 2012 22:10 (twelve years ago) link
My hobby advice came straight from the cartoon owl.
He thinks it only takes three licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, so don't listen to him.
― pplains, Tuesday, 12 June 2012 22:14 (twelve years ago) link
ha oh i didnt know anything about any owls
― coal, Tuesday, 12 June 2012 22:17 (twelve years ago) link
so here's the thing
-- i've been seeing therapists for 14 years. one for 12 years, one for one year during grad school, the most recent for about a year. they have all been excellent. i know all about cognitive behavioral therapy and CBT.
-- i've been taking SSRIs for 14 years, and mood stabilizers for about 4. big doses. my doses nowadays are bigger than ever.
-- i have hobbies, all sorts. creative things like music, outdoorsy things like camping and cycling, fulfilling things like gardening and community service, snuggly things like a doggy.
-- i have a very very supportive family and several - not many - very close and supportive friends that i've had for a long long time.
the thing is i rarely feel any pleasure and i haven't for a long time. i am always focused on the negatives. if something goes well, i only think about the parts that went wrong. if nothing went wrong, i think about all the other times something went wrong and criticize myself for not doing it perfectly every time. my therapist tells me i've coped with criticism by internalizing the criticism, predicting it, and beating my critics to the punch. now i'm too good at criticizing myself and can't stop. it is great to know this, but i want to stop.
i want to be able to wake up w/o dreading the day and thinking about what can go wrong and what went wrong yesterday. i want to leave work w/o feeling like i'm slinking out, having barely avoided being fired. i want to be able to turn my back on people w/o imagining that they're thinking bad things about me. i want to go to sleep at night not thinking about the worst parts of the day.
i understand that your worst times are far from being the sum total of who you are but i want to feel that, and the only times that i do feel that is when i'm just off a manic tear and doing something like admiring my house after cleaning it from midnight until 5 am (even though i rarely have guests) or admiring the 12 hour straight unpaid indesign job i did (for a not-very-important school event which does not need a professional quality program or flier) or the 40 hours that i spent on a mix (that nobody will listen to) etc etc
― the late great, Tuesday, 12 June 2012 22:49 (twelve years ago) link
what about meditation or something that will help you get away from the self-talk for a while?
not to be all hippy-dippy, just curious
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 12 June 2012 22:52 (twelve years ago) link
yeah, it's odd, the one time i was really happy i was
-- working minimum wage
-- cycling 30-40 miles per day
in my minimum wage jobs i was busy attending to tons of menial tasks (filing, dusting, moving and packing boxes, watering plants, washing dishes) that got my mind off of everything. and when i was cycling i wasn't thinking about anything but counting my cadence.
maybe i will try that, it is a good suggestion.
― the late great, Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:03 (twelve years ago) link
i have tried in the past and not been successful but i think it is a good idea.
that makes sense too
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:08 (twelve years ago) link
teaching has this emphasis on reflecting on everything you did as a sort of continuous improvement model and in locating all the sources of student behavior in your own actions and changing them as needed
i think this is an excellent idea in theory but in practice - for me - it has basically been a mandate to beat myself up every day.
― the late great, Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:11 (twelve years ago) link
Maybe you could try reading some philosophy type stuff on happiness
I could say what things that work for me but they're all finely tuned to my personality
Perhaps if you took the Big Five Personality test and Myers-Briggs Type Indicator I could try to give advice suited to your personality
I'm sure there's universal advice out there but I'm only focused on deviations today
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:29 (twelve years ago) link
What sort of thoughts make you smile to yourself?
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:30 (twelve years ago) link
sorry for whining, i just feel like there's a 500 lb weight on my chest today and i'd like to get it off my chest if you will
― the late great, Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:30 (twelve years ago) link
infj iirc
― the late great, Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:31 (twelve years ago) link
no way man, voicing that shit is *important*
― Word of Wisdom Robots (Abbbottt), Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:31 (twelve years ago) link
yeah but i'm seeing my therapist in 24 minutes, surely it could have waited
― the late great, Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:37 (twelve years ago) link
I gotta take my Myers-Briggs over again to figure out what I have to say if I have to say anything
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:37 (twelve years ago) link
I'm probably here in this thread right now because I saw my therapist/med-prescriber a couple hours ago
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:38 (twelve years ago) link
meyers briggs has done poorly in empirical studies iirc
― the late great, Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:41 (twelve years ago) link
keep making mixes
― puff puff post (uh oh I'm having a fantasy), Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:47 (twelve years ago) link
not sure what your leanings are or thought style is, but reading about buddhism helped me put the crack in my life-long depression. it's not a cure-all, but the noble path, insight and breathing meditation, and nature of self and reality stuff is pretty damn useful as you figure things out.
helped me see how untrue the negative self-talk was cuz values are subjective and there is no objective truth re: our emotional selves and interpersonal/social shit, my equal place in humanity, etc. etc. dunno if this is just my own stuff, but regardless it's a good stepping stone to expanding your mind ... that's what it feels like getting out of each piece of depression, a totally unknown but actual reality becomes apparent in the mind. sorta a weird feeling ... maybe closest comparison is culture shock where going to a foreign country for the first time blows away your whole idea of how society can function.
― Spectrum, Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:49 (twelve years ago) link
then again my current therapist has a freudian orientation which iirc also "discredited" and she's in charge of a clinical mft program and has been amazing so who knows maybe the meyers briggs will be useful anyway
― the late great, Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:53 (twelve years ago) link
you're INFJ and I'm INTP.how much of a J are you? Like, how much do you desire control and routine?
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:56 (twelve years ago) link
does this picture make you smile?http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/imdemo.gif
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:58 (twelve years ago) link
no no we know faces can't turn into those
― Word of Wisdom Robots (Abbbottt), Tuesday, 12 June 2012 23:59 (twelve years ago) link
i really like buddhism, i used to read the heart and diamond sutras often and i've read a lot of pema chodron, and i like her, and i particularly like dt suzuki and alan watts even though that's not quite exactly the same thing
but even though i find that stuff has been useful for clarifying my intellectual ideas about life philosophy and reality and being and nothingness it's not really translated into a sense of contentment
then again i suppose they'd all say i need meditation too
― the late great, Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:01 (twelve years ago) link
are you really smart?
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:02 (twelve years ago) link
it's never too late to get stupid. and stupidity does have something to do with happiness
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:03 (twelve years ago) link
at least for me
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:04 (twelve years ago) link
i am definitely a creature of habit, down to warhol-esque eating habits
control maybe not so much but i do hate uncertainty ... i guess though that's more of an EJ vs IJ thing?
like i find my lack of self-control distressing and i have trouble rolling with the punches
― the late great, Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:04 (twelve years ago) link
am i really smart?
well i am posting to ilx on a macbook pro.
― the late great, Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:06 (twelve years ago) link
I think lack of self-control would be a good topic for you to bring up to your therapist. It seems like a topic that could be quite rewarding
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:08 (twelve years ago) link
idk man it's good to have some impulsivitywhat 'perfect self-control' looks like is anorexia
― Word of Wisdom Robots (Abbbottt), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:09 (twelve years ago) link
imo imo imo
that's a truth bomb
― horseshoe, Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:10 (twelve years ago) link
― teh late great
lol, I'm not really sure how to respond to that
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:10 (twelve years ago) link
http://www.geek.com/var/www/geek.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/mac_vs_pc_2.png
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:13 (twelve years ago) link
late great otm
except that i didn't go to grad school and never had a dog
― mookieproof, Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:13 (twelve years ago) link
Really? I never thought of Buddhism as an intellectual thing, so maybe that's the dif in effect (sure it's a billion other factors, too). What I got from it is that it's about our reality, but I'm a weird dude and hv been obsessed with death and existence since I was a kid, so maybe I'm doing something else with it, I've only read one book and just jumped off from there. Try and apply Buddhist ideas to daily life like a scientist performing and studying experiments, some of the stuff in there is pretty cool... I mean, it's evident without Buddhism, but it's like a trade study manual, I guess. YMMV, though, dunno how much of this is me. just wanna help.
― Spectrum, Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:15 (twelve years ago) link
I used to think I made my shitzu into the insecure catlike creature she is today... but dogs are stupid. telling myself that makes me forgive the way I act around them
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:16 (twelve years ago) link
there have been times when I've mixed absurdism with the buddhist teaching of *nothing matters* to great affect
loosely using effect/affect here is pleasing to me. now that's where we might differ (***J vs. ***P)
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:23 (twelve years ago) link
I think absurdism has been fundamental in my development, even before I knew what it meant
― we gotta move these refrigerators (CaptainLorax), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 00:30 (twelve years ago) link
yeah i actually have been talking about that, we agree that my relentless negativity and self-criticism is a way to control the emotional stress of living w/ ups and downs by just making sure i'm always down
― the late great, Wednesday, 13 June 2012 01:09 (twelve years ago) link
the late great, i would never have imagined you were a depressed guy. your online presence has always made you seem so sorted, interesting, creative and, yes, cool. i've always enjoyed your posts x
ps i'm on a massive downer myself "lol" but it's more to do with loneliness. i'm a p. social guy who has somehow ended up so closed off from people.
― jed_, Wednesday, 13 June 2012 02:08 (twelve years ago) link
I'm in yr shoes jed :( I've let myself become really housebound, uninterested in "going out", I dont drive so I never do anyth8ing much spontaneous. I think living with an ex is offputting to new guys, and I'm sick of being single. Its ... getting to me a lot. Recently tried a few times to do things to fix this, only to fall on my face in humiliation.
― Pureed Moods (Trayce), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 02:10 (twelve years ago) link
oh i'm interested in going out! it's just that no one really contacts me to do so and i have made a concerted effect to be proactive it's just kinda fallen on deaf ears. hopefully it will pass. for you too trayce. i have a job interview tomorrow. at least, i think it's an interview? it might just be a chat...
― jed_, Wednesday, 13 June 2012 02:18 (twelve years ago) link
Recently tried a few times to do things to fix this, only to fall on my face in humiliation.
perspective, tho -- i look at it more as dudes f'ing up.
i was going to go into a whole thing here but i'll refrain. suffice it to say that you needn't be coupled and you needn't settle for something half-assed just to be coupled.
― mookieproof, Wednesday, 13 June 2012 02:23 (twelve years ago) link
Dats true. I dont know why of all things I'm letting *that* get to me when I could be improving myself practicing piano/drawing/catching up with friends. Gluh.
― Pureed Moods (Trayce), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 02:25 (twelve years ago) link
mookieproof is right
a lot of things have compounded on you of late and things feel are starting to feel futile and the mean voice in your head is getting more of an audience because you feel so down
it's worth it to the ppl out in the world who haven't met you yet to keep trying. and whether or not you meet boyz or beaus, you are not the sum of the bad voices in yr head
<3
― Peppermint Patty Hearst (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 02:33 (twelve years ago) link
-- the things other people point out to cheer me up are barely-disguised colossal failures (grad school)
i identify with this (and much of everything else you said, late great)
― rayuela, Wednesday, 13 June 2012 14:31 (twelve years ago) link
good news! i feel great this morning!
:-D
― the late great, Wednesday, 13 June 2012 14:47 (twelve years ago) link