thread of inappropriate professional attachments

having erotic dreams about someone and not teasing them about it

I can only control my dreams to a certain extent so I don't really get why it's so bad. I also wouldn't go into any more detail than, "I had a rather steamy dream about you." She was skeeved so I'll never mention it again but it's hardly my fault for having a dream and since I would rather die than ever bring up the subject again and she's fine being my (more discreet) pal, I don't think there's any great harm done to either of us. I semi-chaperoned a semi-date she had last Friday. As I recall we all had a good time.

It's not bad HAVING said dream, it's bad TELLING said person about said dream!

That's like one step below telling someone you have wank-fantasies about them.

In fact, I'd probably be more likely to tell OfficeBoy I had wank-fantasies about him than that I had dreams about him, because at least I am semi in control of the former. NOT THAT I WOULD EVER TELL HIM EITHER. Because ugh.

AYN RAND FAN.

I remember laying in a rather amorous and enticing girl's bed once waiting for her to get out of the bathroom and come join me in her bed and seeing 'Atlas Shrugged' in her bookshelf. As much as I lusted after her and as compatible as we may have been at some animal shagging level, I knew the entire we would fcuk I'd be thinking, 'Dear God! Rand?! I can't do this'. I had to feign a malaise to get out of it and I felt rather poorly for her but, no!

we all have our own crush killers, rayuela, those were just some real-life examples. be accepting of our idiosyncratic preferences. it's a crush life for a working stiff.

it's bad TELLING said person about said dream!

It was a little tease not a précis. If she didn't know I half fancied her I'd say she was blithe and you can be sure I was anything but heavy-handed about it - detailed dream sescriptions are a certain bore.

It's not the level of detail, it's telling them AT ALL.

(Also, just because someone has a book on their bookshelf does not mean that they like it, agree with it, or indeed, have even read it.)

(Also, just because someone has a book on their bookshelf does not mean that they like it, agree with it, or indeed, have even read it.)

true, but it's hardly the domain of rational behaviors to begin with, so I have to go with it.

hang on, I'm going to go tell my boss I had an erotic dream about her and see how she reacts. and any faculty who are hanging out by the copier as a control.

I'm not like you WCC, I usually just tell ppl what I'm on about and go with it. If they feel like they need to avoid me ever after, so be it. I can't be bothered not telling ppl who I like or fancy. Gather ye rosebuds, etc.. I am conscientious about not being insistent or boorish about it. I might come across as flippant to ppl I like or admire but never indifferent.

(Also, just because someone has a book on their bookshelf does not mean that they like it, agree with it, or indeed, have even read it.)

I thoroughly agree but the mere presence of the book put me off. I genuinely felt bad since I thought we definitely had a mutual interest and a chemistry but in this case, I wasn't able to be as forthright, 'cause how do you tell a potential lover, "I'm as horny as a stoat right now but I won't be able to keep it up knowing there's a Rand book in the room"?

See, that is the most backwards thing in the world to me.

Like, I would have no problem asking anyone, if I saw a book on their shelf, "Um, do you actually like Rand, or did you just read that for High School?" What on earth would be the problem with saying something like that to someone?

But, you know, "By the way, my brain has totally imaged you naked and me shagging you!" is totally off limits and out of any sense of propriety at all!

I cannot think of any way in which telling someone (with whom you have not already been intimate) that you had an actual dream, about having sex with them, would not be completely creepy.

Or completely endearing?

WCC, let me reiterate, I felt bad but Rand is like kryptonite to my libido.

x-post This is what terrifies me. That people - especially men - who do things which can legitimately be viewed as totally creepy, have ~no idea~ how actually creepy those things are.

On that note, I don't think I should contribute to this thread any more. I am probably being legitimately creepy to this poor lad, and don't realise I'm crossing lines, either.

fyi i'm vegetarian and think eating meat is p gross in general, tho i dont really get that judgmental abt it

but also that frowny face was kind of misplaced: being so unashamed about a stupid social moor actually kind of flipped itself and made me crush on her more :-)

I haven't been propositioned all that much but I've rarely been offended (male or female) though mostly flattered and as long as everyone conducts themselves like moderately civilized ppl I don't see the harm in candor or flirting. I'm a huge flirt so maybe ppl don't take offense 'cause they think I'm not serious. I used to flirt like mad with my gf's feue grandma and we had what she called a hoot.

I don't think it's a 'men thing' as much as I think it's about poise and social skills. Heavy-handed ppl and ppl w/no timing or sense of environment or occasion or regard for anybody but themselves are inevitably dull, but then are the eternally repressed and ppl who never take chances.

Jesus, if someone I worked with said 'I had a rather steamy dream about you' my skin would crawl. It'd be a little different if we were DEFINITELY, intentionally, flirting on both sides but still, you want to tread lightly with that...

we all have our own crush killers, rayuela, those were just some real-life examples. be accepting of our idiosyncratic preferences. it's a crush life for a working stiff.
--the girl from spirea x (f. hazel)

From many posts ago: Sorry but if ppl can express distaste for things, I can express distaste for their distaste, particularly when the distaste is directed at something that is largely culturally based/associated with different cultures.

On a diff note, the last time I told a guy that he was in my dream, he assumed I had a sex dream when I was just trying to tell him about whatever funny thing he did! So I generally do not share.

Michael, the fact that you have rarely been ~offended~ let alone felt creeped out or even made to feel uncomfortable or even UNSAFE by a proposition says a lot more about male privilege and Rape Culture than it does about anything else.

I've definitely been propositioned by men, WCC, many shady ones, too but as much as it says about male privilege and rape culture I think it also says something about slut-shaming that it's somehow unacceptable for a woman to flirt even daringly. I would NEVER offer this info out of a context that was mutually or at least conceivably flirtatious and never without a demeanor that implicitly denied perfect self-control and respect.

I always end up feeling like a troll talking to you, WCC, but I'm entirely in eanest, devoid of malice, and am trying to be as clever as my limited capacity allows. :(

So I guess I've learned not to do or say anything that could even be misconstrued as flirting at work in case some guy thought it was ok to tell me about *dreams*

"She was skeeved so I'll never mention it again but it's hardly my fault for having a dream"

I don't get it. Having a dream /= mentioning said dream to the dream's subject.

"I simply cannot imagine having erotic dreams about someone and not teasing them about it"

You need to learn to imagine this and put it into practice

This is really disheartening.

When a man brings up a behaviour which four women in a row (five, if you count the woman who was "skeeved" by it) say "That is definitely inappropriate, over the line and would make me uncomfortable." And the bloke who brought it up continues to represent that it's somehow *women* who should change, be more flirtatious and "daring." (I'm taking this to mean more open, receptive and providing flirtertainment for you, the male who thinks of himself as a Roué.)

When, the women on this thread are responding with increasing caution, at the horrifying knowledge that if you flirt, even in jest or to smooth a work situation, you will be opening yourself up to a situation where a man will feel justified in ~sharing~ his subconscious or conscious sexual fantasies about you AT you. And think that's OK.

And this is Rape Culture 101, this idea that even when women have explicitly stated their boundaries (it is *not* OK to tell a colleague you have had an erotic dream about them) a man will still feel justified in coming along pooh-poohing those boundaries and saying "oh no, it's OK, because I was ~respectful~ when I did it (even though she was skeeved out)" because you know what? Refusing to acknowledge and pooh-poohing women's stated boundaries is NOT respectful no matter how "implicit" you think your "self control" is.

When words and actions do not align, I take actions as the true representation, every time, in trying to establish whether this person and/or this situation is safe or not.

thread only got creepy when michael arrived, suuuure

There is being creepy in a safe space, where you can diffuse tension you are feeling, so that a work environment remains safe and does NOT become a "Hostile Work Environment" for anyone involved. And then there is non-consensually sharing your sex fantasies with someone you work with.

And if you can't tell the difference between those two things, you really shouldn't be working with other human beings.

Anyway, if it takes Michael's behaviour as a mirror to show me how disgusting and gross I am being about this boy, then it has worked. I feel disgusting and gross. I shall do my best to avoid any inappropriate personal conversation about him, or with him, in the future.

one time this girl I worked with told me she had a dream about me

and I was like "oh really"

and then suddenly, from the cheerful face with which she told me she had the dream, just like thinking about the dream, her face just got angrier and angrier, second by second

and she spluttered out "you stole me bicycle"

she walked away in a huff and I didn't see her again that day

I had a dream about a colleague the other night but it was about how she took me under her wing as an assistant. We moved the whole office to Irvine, California, then she sent me up to L.A. to ask David Lee Roth for a million dollars. Driving up the PCH was awesome. When I got to Roth's place, half of the public area was a kung fu studio/gym, the other half was an undergraduate economics program. I thought I saw Roth leave from the gym to hit the showers, but when someone finally emerged, it was a different guy done up like David Lee Roth. He robotically intoned "we understand you want to ask us for a million dollar gift." and then walked up the hall without saying anything more.

I told her about the dream.

I don't have steamy dreams very often and I don't know if I've ever had such a dream about someone who actually exists.

I don't have any workplace crushes. Being married/having children helps here for me, but ymmv. I have another colleague with whom I've developed a rapport. Snappy patter and the like. It's the happiest I've been interacting with another human being at work in years. I don't have a crush on her though, or anything like that. It's just such a change from the usual drab, glum, bitterness that I've been accustomed to encountering in the last 7-8 years of employment that I thought I'd mention it. It's weird, because I work in an office that's largely attractive young women but I haven't crushed on any of them.

she was a v nice girl working in a stem cell lab she would break mouse and rat spines and I would order the ketamine

My workplace friend used to work with lab rats!

Where do you all stand on flirting at work while in a long-term relationship? I'm in one while the IPA is married, and I have no desire to cheat. And I don't think he does either. But he's one of those guys who's been good-looking his whole life that he can't help but talk to women in this charming, flirty way. and sometimes I flirt back.

Same line of work but - perhaps, fortunately - he's in a different company, so I only see him once every few months or so. So cute though. Have had to stop myself from stalking him on FB.

I don't think there's anything wrong with Flirting-Without-Intention if both of you are involved with someone and you are both aware that there is no intention involved, and it's just for fun/flattery.

The problem is the asymmetrical situations - where one person is involved and the other isn't, especially if there's kind of a grey line about whether it's With-Intention or Without.

Actually, it's questionable if there's that grey line, it's just that it doesn't matter so long as it's symmetrical. It's where one person has intentions and the other doesn't. And think that's heightened by one person not having a solid relationship at home to reassure them that it's not with-intention.

(But I might just be speaking for myself there. Because I am really bad at flirting-without-intention.)

ARGH I said I was going to stop posting to this thread, but these kinds of questions intrigue me.

Yeah I think that grey line is what makes me a bit wary about this one - cause our whole flirtation started on a work trip, before we even knew about each other's relationship statuses (he doesn't wear a ring and says his wife doesn't either). And it didn't really stop when we did find out a little later on.

But yeah like I said, it's a good thing we don't work for the same company so I can basically avoid thinking about it most of the time. And I can't deny that it's been pretty fun, with- or without-intention.

Refusing to acknowledge and pooh-poohing women's stated boundaries

Huh? We had been flirting. I told her I'd had a racy dream. She didn't want to hear about it. I never brought it up again. We're still friends (we went out last week with a new beau of hers). We still flirt and "~respectful~"ly and with an implict understanding of no intentions I never bring up anything too skeeveworthy. Acknowledge that.

I also can't imagine having an erotic (it wasn't a sex dream btw, just steamy in a vague way) dream about someone with whom we didn't share some kind of erotic tension. Are there boundaries not to cross? Apparently there are. I get that but finding out where they are requires interaction. Different ppl have different boundaries. I knew someone at work once who flirted with me (also implictly in a platonic way) who gave me all sorts of details about her lovers that might have made some ppl blush but I listened half out of curiosity and half out of compassion 'cause she really seemed like she wanted a male perspective on something that was troubling her.

Look, you know what - please, just don't try to talk to me again. The more you speak, the more you reveal how little you actually "get it" WRT the things I am talking about. Like, you and I are just having completely different conversations. Or I should just install killfile on my work browser or something.

I think M. White is trying to engage with you and further explain the context for his comments. He appears to be acting in good faith.

imo

(coming from someone who could not imagine a situation in which I would tell a coworker about an erotic dream)

And as for people who attempt to ~explain~ conversations to me that I am involved in, seriously, please do us both a favour, and just don't.

I don't think it is a favor to anyone to leave you there looking like you need help understanding something.

a dream doesn't have to be overtly sexual to be inappropriate / over the line.

she has no control over what she does or did in your dream..

wcc, don't stop posting on this thread, your posts are really fun to read. i'm living vicariously through them because i have no crush. also this stuff is totally not a mirror to your behavior, it comes across that you've been extremely scrupulous to NOT be inappropriate!

I'll stop posting here. Y'all carry on.

Sorry, Rox, I don't think it's healthy at all for me to continue with this (or fair to him.)

Firstly, conversations here have been making me feel weird and gross about this, when formerly it had been a source of joy and fun. It now makes me feel icky and crepey. And secondly, if I found out that someone I was working with was essentially ~liveblogging their crush on me~ and detailing our interactions for the amusement of strangers, I would feel really REALLY grossed out.

On the same kind of level of grossedoutness as I would feel if someone at work started detailing erotic dreams that they said they had had about me, to my face. So in order not to be a total fucking hypocrite about my reactions here, I have to stop doing this.