http://blogs.ajc.com/news-to-me/2012/09/18/convicted-killer-says-hes-too-fat-to-be-executed/
― the late great, Thursday, 20 September 2012 06:11 (eleven years ago) link
reposting this one from the "most important local news story" thread:
http://djournal.com/view/full_story/20188758/article-Wicks-n-More-consumed-in-fire
― ❏❐❑❒ (gr8080), Thursday, 20 September 2012 16:57 (eleven years ago) link
http://deadspin.com/5943994/stephen-a-smith-thought-an-article-about-him-in-the-onion-was-real
― am0n, Thursday, 20 September 2012 17:14 (eleven years ago) link
ok except it's already a very old joke at this point, this has got to be the mother of them all
http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8462/8007439788_c8ee71a7de_m.jpg
― the late great, Thursday, 20 September 2012 22:09 (eleven years ago) link
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390443696604577647870908169992.html
― free-range chicken pox (Matt P), Saturday, 22 September 2012 21:48 (eleven years ago) link
Getting That Justin Vernon Body With Trainer Jeff Rogers
http://www.mtvhive.com/2012/09/24/bon-iver-workout/
― goole, Tuesday, 25 September 2012 15:34 (eleven years ago) link
haha, the late great, I posted in the Amish thread the Cleveland Plain Dealer headline on that story, which falls just short of all-time greatness:
http://imageshack.us/a/img692/2404/frontpage092112jpgf4ed9.jpg
― a shark with a rippling six pack (Phil D.), Tuesday, 25 September 2012 15:40 (eleven years ago) link
http://pitchfork.com/news/47960-full-scott-walker-album-details-revealed/
― Jeff W, Tuesday, 25 September 2012 19:10 (eleven years ago) link
his name was mullet?!?
― the late great, Tuesday, 25 September 2012 21:18 (eleven years ago) link
yeah his name was mullet. that kind of puts it more in mad magazine territory, though they'd probably change it to Potzrebie Mulletski or something.
― Philip Nunez, Tuesday, 25 September 2012 21:21 (eleven years ago) link
Buddhist "Iron Man" Found by Nazis Is from Space
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=buddhist-iron-man-found
― goole, Thursday, 27 September 2012 18:27 (eleven years ago) link
Bachmann: ‘We Must Ban Falafel’ in School Lunches
http://dailycurrant.com/2012/09/28/bachmann-we-ban-falafel-school-lunches/#.UGXBjenOHSI.facebook
"I have to ask Ms. Bachmann, why is that a problem? I mean some children like the taste of falafel, what's wrong with that?""Chris, falafel is a gateway food," responded Bachmann, "It starts with falafel, then the kids move on to shawarma. After a while they say 'hey this tastes good, I wonder what else comes from Arabia?' ""Before you know it our children are listening to Muslim music, reading the Koran, and plotting attacks against the homeland.""We need to stop these terror cakes now, before they infiltrate any further."
"Chris, falafel is a gateway food," responded Bachmann, "It starts with falafel, then the kids move on to shawarma. After a while they say 'hey this tastes good, I wonder what else comes from Arabia?' "
"Before you know it our children are listening to Muslim music, reading the Koran, and plotting attacks against the homeland."
"We need to stop these terror cakes now, before they infiltrate any further."
― flopson, Friday, 28 September 2012 18:53 (eleven years ago) link
the daily currant is a shitty onion-style fake-news website
― max, Friday, 28 September 2012 18:55 (eleven years ago) link
lol now i'm one of those people!
― flopson, Friday, 28 September 2012 18:58 (eleven years ago) link
terror cakes is roughly B+ tho
― Ham Lushbaugh (Eric H.), Friday, 28 September 2012 18:58 (eleven years ago) link
http://www.gameranx.com/updates/id/9639/article/glenn-beck-thinks-eve-online-is-a-front-for-the-cia/
― barthes simpson, Tuesday, 2 October 2012 13:29 (eleven years ago) link
"It starts with falafel, then the kids move on to shawarma."
OTM
― has important things to say about gangnam style (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 2 October 2012 14:34 (eleven years ago) link
Falafel and kebab are totally opposite demographics over here.
― I got the Boyzone, I got the remedy (ledge), Tuesday, 2 October 2012 14:36 (eleven years ago) link
http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/dam/assets/120927074234-benjamin-netanyahu-bomb-un-horizontal-gallery.jpg
― so, apparently we're not in a cave. we're in a.. monsters belly! (wolves lacan), Tuesday, 2 October 2012 14:43 (eleven years ago) link
christine lagarde from the IMF threatening argentina with a red card if they don't comply with their orders.
"Argentina is good in football and it certainly understands what we are talking about," said Ms Lagarde.
such condescension! good thing cristina fernandez told her to fuck off.
― so, apparently we're not in a cave. we're in a.. monsters belly! (wolves lacan), Tuesday, 2 October 2012 14:49 (eleven years ago) link
http://www.startribune.com/local/minneapolis/172500101.html?refer=y
Undisclosed 'concern' has Mpls. South HS in lockdown; police involved
Minneapolis South High School is in a lockdown Wednesday for what officials are calling a “concern in the school community.”
During the lockdown, classes are being conducted as usual, but students will remain in the rooms, the campus was closed during the lunch period and students with an open hour are not allowed to leave the building, said School District spokeswoman Rachel Hicks.
The district has yet to disclose what has prompted the lockdown.
“We are working collaboratively with the Minneapolis Police Department to monitor the concern,” Hicks said in a written statement. “However, we are unable to share details of the concern because of our ongoing investigation.”
Police Sgt. William Palmer confirmed that his department is involved “to a degree,” but he referred questions back to the district.
― goole, Wednesday, 3 October 2012 20:08 (eleven years ago) link
That would certainly be one of the drier Onion stories.
― pplains, Wednesday, 3 October 2012 20:13 (eleven years ago) link
certainly would.
― goole, Wednesday, 3 October 2012 20:14 (eleven years ago) link
http://consumerist.com/2012/10/03/fancy-new-taco-bells-hope-to-go-upscale-with-eaterys-image/
“We wanted a look that’s totally different, to show that we’re an upscale brand,” said the executive VP of big-time Taco Bell franchisee Alvarado Companies. “You walk in and it feels new and fresh.”
― bell biv devo (Stevie D(eux)), Wednesday, 3 October 2012 23:41 (eleven years ago) link
haha OMG is taco bell gonna try to 'dinner service' like burger king did in the late 80s???
― balls, Wednesday, 3 October 2012 23:48 (eleven years ago) link
I'd never seen Demolition Man before, but a friend pointed out on fb that this is a movie prophecy come true. Wiki says: "All restaurants are Taco Bells, which "won the franchise wars" and evolved into fine-dining establishments that serve nouvelle cuisine."
― Johnny Fever, Thursday, 4 October 2012 00:05 (eleven years ago) link
Norwegian prisoners livid about having to wear slippers in the visiting room.Hard to play football (google-translated link)
― Øystein, Thursday, 4 October 2012 09:03 (eleven years ago) link
http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/story/2012/10/09/roach-eating-contentant-dies.html
― obamana (abanana), Tuesday, 9 October 2012 14:21 (eleven years ago) link
sadly that doesn't sound like an onion article to me at all ... not because someone died but because since that lady died during the water-drinking contest it doesn't seem so unlikely anymore
― the late great, Tuesday, 9 October 2012 17:20 (eleven years ago) link
Yeah but water intoxication is a thing and roach intoxication just isn't.
OTOH it's possible he died from suddenly being massively, massively squicked out.
― Plasmon, Wednesday, 10 October 2012 03:16 (eleven years ago) link
Police use Taser on blind man after stick mistaken for sword
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lancashire-19979184
― koogs, Wednesday, 17 October 2012 12:34 (eleven years ago) link
Like they need an excuse to beat up someone.
― abanana, Wednesday, 17 October 2012 16:45 (eleven years ago) link
http://www.vita.mn/crawl/174838641.html
― there is no dana, only (goole), Friday, 19 October 2012 03:56 (eleven years ago) link
lol
― zvookster, Friday, 19 October 2012 04:09 (eleven years ago) link
BREAKING: A former Minnesota actor is currently looking for work.
― Author ~ Coach ~ Goddess (s1ocki), Friday, 19 October 2012 14:31 (eleven years ago) link
http://www.blackyouthproject.com/2012/10/spike-lee-fired-from-james-brown-biopic-replaced-by-the-help-director/
― Neutral Coliseums (Matt P), Monday, 29 October 2012 23:27 (eleven years ago) link
oof.
― Author ~ Coach ~ Goddess (s1ocki), Tuesday, 30 October 2012 00:59 (eleven years ago) link
Hah, srsly misunderstood that as "the Help! director" - Richard Lester to helm madcap romp based on the life of James Brown
― Faster than food (Myonga Vön Bontee), Tuesday, 30 October 2012 15:43 (eleven years ago) link
Me too.
― One bad call from barely losing to (Alex in SF), Tuesday, 30 October 2012 16:04 (eleven years ago) link
see that would be something
― Author ~ Coach ~ Goddess (s1ocki), Tuesday, 30 October 2012 16:59 (eleven years ago) link
Bush's FEMA Director During Katrina Criticizes Obama For Responding To Sandy Too Quickly
http://thinkprogress.org/security/2012/10/30/1110901/bush-fema-director-katrina-hits-obama-sandy/
― pun lovin criminal (polyphonic), Tuesday, 30 October 2012 17:39 (eleven years ago) link
http://www.newsnet5.com//dpp/news/local_news/cleveland_metro/woman-who-drove-along-sidewalk-to-avoid-stopping-for-cleveland-school-bus-must-wear-idiot-sign
― Evan, Tuesday, 6 November 2012 03:13 (eleven years ago) link
is that, like, allowed?
― crüt, Tuesday, 6 November 2012 03:23 (eleven years ago) link
― pun lovin criminal (polyphonic), Tuesday, October 30, 2012 12:39 PM (6 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
wow, seriously? are we sure this isn't a joke
― Raymond Cummings, Tuesday, 6 November 2012 03:45 (eleven years ago) link
i read that for 5 minutes before i realised this wasn't the real Onion thread
― movember spawned a nobster (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 6 November 2012 03:49 (eleven years ago) link
awesome
― A True White Kid that can Jump (Granny Dainger), Tuesday, 6 November 2012 03:51 (eleven years ago) link
lmao @ the schoolbus passing video
― ❏❐❑❒ (gr8080), Tuesday, 6 November 2012 21:50 (eleven years ago) link
More from Cleveland, this time from our free weekly, SCENE, a review of chain restaurant/Hooter's competitor The Tilted Kilt. Some highlights:
The Tilted Kilt has been labeled a "breastaurant," but looks will only go so far. It takes more than a good-looking staff with partially exposed assets to survive....The clientele was a virtual Ellis Island of diners. To our right, a family of four with two teenagers dined. Sprinkled around the rest of the bar and seating area were business people in suits, a group of women celebrating an occasion, some families, and groups of guys watching the game. They all seemed to be comfortable and enjoying the sports bar atmosphere.A kilt-wearing server arrived quickly, and showing professional training, identified herself, asked if we had ever eaten there before, and walked us through the menu. She told us that the staff is encouraged to sit with guests and strike up a conversation, which is exactly what she did, talking with us about everything from the Browns to the casino and Cleveland in general. . . . We started off with the Irish nachos. Replacing the usual tortilla chips with house-made potato chips is a unique take on this perennial favorite. The Kilt wisely uses "old school" liquid cheese sauce, and as a bonus, the sauce is a blend of cheeses, giving it a slightly elevated taste. The ground beef on the nachos was uneventful and under-seasoned, calling to mind Taco Bell's Nachos Bell Grande.
...
The clientele was a virtual Ellis Island of diners. To our right, a family of four with two teenagers dined. Sprinkled around the rest of the bar and seating area were business people in suits, a group of women celebrating an occasion, some families, and groups of guys watching the game. They all seemed to be comfortable and enjoying the sports bar atmosphere.
A kilt-wearing server arrived quickly, and showing professional training, identified herself, asked if we had ever eaten there before, and walked us through the menu. She told us that the staff is encouraged to sit with guests and strike up a conversation, which is exactly what she did, talking with us about everything from the Browns to the casino and Cleveland in general.
. . . We started off with the Irish nachos. Replacing the usual tortilla chips with house-made potato chips is a unique take on this perennial favorite. The Kilt wisely uses "old school" liquid cheese sauce, and as a bonus, the sauce is a blend of cheeses, giving it a slightly elevated taste. The ground beef on the nachos was uneventful and under-seasoned, calling to mind Taco Bell's Nachos Bell Grande.
Read it all, I beg you.
― C-3PO Sharkey (Phil D.), Thursday, 8 November 2012 16:54 (eleven years ago) link
that woman actually did it multiple times!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqyHv-niL5I
― 乒乓, Thursday, 8 November 2012 17:36 (eleven years ago) link
xp Even though we were stuffed to the gills, I pleasantly coerced myself into a dessert.
I think he means he jerked off.
― Deafening silence (DL), Thursday, 8 November 2012 17:47 (eleven years ago) link