Dear X, blah blah blah. Love, Z

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dear these pictures of golden retrievers,

thank you for redeeming my crappy morning. i'm still going to go back to bed, but i will do so with images of happy drooling dogs in my head.

squeee,
gb

― get bent, Thursday, 5 April 2007 15:42 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear weekend headache,

I know you're usually there as soon as I have a day off, but can we please skip this one long weekend for once please? I just think this routine of ours is getting tired and I think we need some time alone - I'm not seeing any other ailments behind your back, don't worry.

hopeful,
StanM

― StanM, Thursday, 5 April 2007 16:01 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear co-worker who has been out sick for two weeks causing me to have to give up my week of vacation:

If I didn't like you before, I really don't like you now. I'm glad you're okay and everything, but I still sort of hate you.

You suck,

luna

― luna, Thursday, 5 April 2007 16:17 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Luna,

Form a band with that letter as the lyrics to your first single = instant fame. Trust me.

Yours,
Not an A&R Person By Any Stretch of the Imagination But Anyway

― Ned Raggett, Thursday, 5 April 2007 16:19 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear long weekend

HI DERE

love
someone who can't be arsed working right now

― ailsa, Thursday, 5 April 2007 16:21 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Long Weekend -

You do not exist. Which is fine with me, since I'm still paid by the hour. Also, I am not religious and if I was I wouldn't be Christian.

Love,
someone who can't be arsed taking a skinny paycheck right now

― Oilyrags, Thursday, 5 April 2007 16:26 (seventeen years ago) link

ha, I'm hourly paid too, but I'd forego a couple of hours pay for some quality time in teh sunshine (read: in a beer garden).

Following on from above sports theme:

Dear Celtic

Enough with the not-winning-the-league thing already. It was OK dropping points during my holiday so I wouldn't miss the title party, but it's kind of getting beyond a joke now.

love
someone not relishing biting nails for 90 minutes against Motherwell on Saturday

― ailsa, Thursday, 5 April 2007 16:30 (seventeen years ago) link

dear everyone i know, more or less,

cheer up! please! wish i could help you all more, but really all i can offer is an apartment full of booze and old movies.

love,
-alex

Dear Alex,

are you me?

Love,
Emily

― emil.y, Thursday, 5 April 2007 16:30 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear pub,

I'm at yr bar, drinking all yr beer.

Love,

Mark.

― Colonel Poo, Thursday, 5 April 2007 16:34 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear another pub

Get the Guinness taps ready for action, I'm coming right at ya.

love
A x

― ailsa, Thursday, 5 April 2007 16:35 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear West Indies Cricket Team,

― Stone Monkey, Thursday, 5 April 2007 16:42 (seventeen years ago) link

they're dying from the suspense.

― Ms Misery, Thursday, 5 April 2007 16:49 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear West Indies Cricket Team,

Do you recall those days long ago, when I was young, when there was nothing that could compare to you? Do you remember the time when the world bowed at your feet?
Well? Do you?

So is it too much to ask for you to win just one single, lousy, fucking One Day match against some fairly mediocre opposition?

Hope this finds you well.

Jason

ps. I don't mind you losing to the Aussies, as they're one of the best teams in the world (Well I do, as no one wants to lose to that lot). But could you try not to lose to England - they won't shut up about it for the next 30 years, you know what they're like...

― Stone Monkey, Thursday, 5 April 2007 16:52 (seventeen years ago) link

Sorry about that, my eyes were tearing up as I typed...

― Stone Monkey, Thursday, 5 April 2007 16:53 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Laptop,

Why is your battery all fucked up? I need the musics you carry.

growling,

hoos is why i'm steen

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Thursday, 5 April 2007 18:00 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear weird woman who knocked over her chair and then somehow dragged the tablecloth off the table at what used to be a Vietnamese restaurant and I didn't notice it wasn't anymore until I got inside and opened up the menu and found out it had magically become a whole different Asian-fusion place,

It's one thing to order dumplings and ask for some sauce that "always" comes with them, but if they come with some sauce that's not what you wanted, and then you ask again and they bring two other sauces that are not what you wanted, maybe it's time to fucking give it up and quit asking and just deal with what they're serving you. I mean, I was happy when you finally got the sauce you wanted, if only because you finally shut the hell up and stopped spending all the time where they were in the back sauce-hunting talking out loud as if there were someone with you and going "hahaha it's just one of those days" or "hahaha let's see what this one tastes like." But seriously, if you strike out on the sauce three times in a row, just give it a rest and maybe try something different, you know?

Hate,
Dude who kept turning around because he couldn't figure out who you were talking to and thought maybe you were trying to get him involved in your ridiculous sauce-jerkery.

P.S. When trying to describe your sauce of choice to people who don't speak English as a native language, saying "it's got more of a kick to it" is totally unhelpful. Stick to color, viscosity, basic flavorings, and either "more spicy" or "less spicy." Jerk.

― nabisco, Thursday, 5 April 2007 18:56 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear ILX,

I would just like to clarify that the woman addressed above did not mean that the dumplings "always" came with this sauce at the restaurant in question. She meant they "always" came with that sauce ... in other places she'd ordered dumplings, or across the entire Asian continent, or some such bullshit.

Also sorry for primarily using this thread for workaday "don't you just hate traffic" type bitching.

Love,
n.s.

― nabisco, Thursday, 5 April 2007 19:46 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear nabisco-

Thanks for writing the longest post on this thread. It would be kind of embarrasing if someone else beat you to it.

A fan,

Grady

― g®▲Ðұ, Thursday, 5 April 2007 19:54 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Solipsistic Idiot Americans Who, When Trying to Communicate With Non-English Speaking People, Use Distinctly American Idioms, Colloquialisms and Phraseology, As if That's Going to Work,

You are a pet peeve. And nabisco OTM.

Je t'embrasse,
Aaron

― wanko ergo sum, Thursday, 5 April 2007 21:35 (seventeen years ago) link

To be honest, even among native speakers, "more of a kick" is only really useful to differentiate between varieties of the same sauce (BBQ and mustard, mostly), and not so much to describe different sauces. Like if you wanted hot mustard and someone gave you BBQ, saying "more of a kick" would not help.

― nabisco, Thursday, 5 April 2007 21:53 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear beer,

I'm really enjoying you but i sense your death to be soon. Anyways, thanks for making a good day even better, i'd never have thought the interview would have gone nicely, but it did, and i had totally forgotten that results for another exam came in today and i made it. So, dear beer, with this i'm off to finish you, but fret not, for your sister/cousin/whatever is next up

On the way to drunkenly,
Jibe

― Jibe, Thursday, 5 April 2007 22:23 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Jibe,

Got yr back.

XOXOX

rw

― river wolf, Thursday, 5 April 2007 22:38 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear My Room,

Something smells like garlic in here. Raw garlic, too, not the cooked stuff. I don't really mind this so much, as I find garlic to be one of the more alluring and delicious scents available to us as humans (yes, I am aware that as a bedroom you are not actually human.) Nevertheless, I find the presence of this odor rather perplexing, and even upsetting since I don't bring food in here and can't really imagine how else to account for it. I mean, the smell is so strong its as if someone was mincing or crushing raw cloves of the stuff and left it. Now, while it's true that the mountains of clutter could possibly conceal a substantial pile of the stuff in any number of places, it is durn close to inconceivable that anyone would prank me in such a way. So, like, what gives?

Olfactorily,
Austin

― Oilyrags, Thursday, 5 April 2007 23:03 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear me,

you aredrunk, way to go!!!!!!!!!!! now, why not go out and buy some hummus or shit like that, uor hrungry!!

Loveb
me

― Jibe, Thursday, 5 April 2007 23:14 (seventeen years ago) link

― river wolf, Thursday, 5 April 2007 23:15 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear me,

Its good friday and you didn't buy any hot cross buns or easter eggs? Woman, get one organised some time why dont you.

hungrily,
Trayce

― Trayce, Thursday, 5 April 2007 23:20 (seventeen years ago) link

dear( river wolkf

i hope tou are feelingh frunk too!! thxw for coverning me!!

frunkenly yours

jibe

― Jibe, Thursday, 5 April 2007 23:21 (seventeen years ago) link

dear spelling

you are shiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttte

love me,

― Jibe, Thursday, 5 April 2007 23:21 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Michael Shermer,

I am listening to the audiobook for your 1997 _Why People Believe Weird Things_. The book is good for the most part, covering UFO abductions, creationism, holocaust deniers, etc, but WTF is up with you suddenly changing gear and going on about Ayn Rand for several minutes? I know you're libertarian n' shit, but jeez.

Love,

j

― kingfish, Thursday, 5 April 2007 23:31 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Season 4 of the Wire,

I'm not really sure why it took Bittorrent like a week to download you despite having like a billion seeders, but fuck it: you're here on the lappy and I'm mad amped.

love

when you hoos through the garden
you better steen your back

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Friday, 6 April 2007 03:01 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear New Water Heater and Water Softener,

You are both as expensive as gold-plated intestinal parasites but welcome to our home. I will test your heating and softening abilities like a mofo tomorrow morning.

Sincerely,

Dimension 5tinky.

― Dimension 5ive, Friday, 6 April 2007 03:26 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear me,

When you go out and get pissed after work yesterday, please don't leave your wife's parcel somewhere on public transport. This won't go down well.

Love,

Me.

― Colonel Poo, Friday, 6 April 2007 03:45 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear excellent salad I made,

Ah, thank you. That plus a phone call encouraging a friend in need of some advice has balanced my spirits very well. Now for some music.

Yours
A Contented Soul

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 6 April 2007 03:48 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear ethanol,

MARRY ME

love,
Austin

― Oilyrags, Friday, 6 April 2007 03:50 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear girlfriend,

seriously. seriously? be serious. are you serious? fine.

fuck all y'all bitches

hoos

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Friday, 6 April 2007 04:17 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Self,

Stop being such a damn perfectionist about grades. Seriously, it's pointless.

-Sara

― Sara R-C, Friday, 6 April 2007 04:41 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Sara R-C -
it really is pointless. So stop it.
Love, your grades

― aimurchie, Friday, 6 April 2007 05:47 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Self,

Sara's Grades are wise.

love
you

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Friday, 6 April 2007 05:53 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Sara R-C,
You are studying and working hard.
That's what is important.
Love,
your books and grades

― aimurchie, Friday, 6 April 2007 06:14 (seventeen years ago) link

durnk,

hic.

-durnk

― get bent, Friday, 6 April 2007 06:40 (seventeen years ago) link

hic otm

― JW, Friday, 6 April 2007 06:46 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Good Friday,

Not being allowed to buy beer on you is a pain in the hoop. How better to drown our sorrows regarding the death of Our Lord? I bet the Apostles got fucking hammered when He croaked. Why may not His people also get gee-eyed?

Yours in Christ,

AM

― accentmonkey, Friday, 6 April 2007 07:09 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Accent Monkey -
They were all drunk at the Last Supper, and Jesus is the git who turned the water into wine so fuck that noise about NOT selling booze!
I tried to get tickets to "Jesus Christ Superstar", with Ted Neely AND Corey Glover. but even the cheap seats are $42.00.
No resurrection for me, i guess.
Ham on Sunday, for sure.
I might be bitter and read "The Gospel of Judas" Sunday morning.
Yours in for Christ's Sake,

― aimurchie, Friday, 6 April 2007 07:30 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Accent Monkey,
Wow, it is Good Friday? I should stop being so crazy-feeling and wound up and be sad, shouldn't I?
-forgetful me!

― Maria, Friday, 6 April 2007 07:34 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear April 2007,
Are you the only April that has a Good Friday followed by Friday the 13th?
Just wondering.

― aimurchie, Friday, 6 April 2007 07:42 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Guy Who Throws Local Paper at My Hotel's window at 4am,

Yeah, you better drive off fast.

-Sarah

― mercurialblonde, Friday, 6 April 2007 08:17 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Good Friday,

Booze has been bought and sits in fridge so why am I at my desk surfing ILX when I could be home getting to know you better beside a river with visitors.

Yours,

Sad Panda.

― kv_nol, Friday, 6 April 2007 08:33 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear weekend headache,

you probably missed my request yesterday, didn't you? Please read it now.

Thanks,
StanM

― StanM, Friday, 6 April 2007 08:59 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear Sleep,
Remind me right now that I am not in Ireland.
Thanks,

― aimurchie, Friday, 6 April 2007 09:17 (seventeen years ago) link

Dear anyone who's reading,
I don't really know what to do with myself! Yesterday I got a fellowship to go abroad and hang out with boats for a year in 3 countries, with the stipulation that I can't go home. I am having very extreme moods of great excitement and absolute terror. A year's a fucking long time to not see your family. But this isn't something I can let pass me by, either, and it's a proposal I put an incredible amount of thought into and got really excited about, so I accepted on the spot. But maybe the fact that I am having such strong negative as well as positive feelings means I don't have the confidence and strength to successfully finish out the year...um, I dunno how to finish out this letter, but my roommates aren't home for me to talk their ears off so why not post to ilx?
-Maria

― Maria, Friday, 6 April 2007 14:29 (seventeen years ago) link

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