― Neudonym, Saturday, 21 June 2003 02:34 (twenty years ago) link
― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 21 June 2003 02:36 (twenty years ago) link
what was i thinking?
also, never combine a decent napoli sauce with vodka and corn chips. never ever. especially when you are trying to impress a girl.
― Chris Radford (Chris Radford), Saturday, 21 June 2003 02:41 (twenty years ago) link
my son invented "vanilla sauce" last week: glass of cold water with a crumbled-up corn muffin in it. holy shit he wanted me to taste it! so I did! it was wretched!
― Neudonym, Saturday, 21 June 2003 02:42 (twenty years ago) link
― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Saturday, 21 June 2003 02:53 (twenty years ago) link
― James Blount (James Blount), Saturday, 21 June 2003 03:04 (twenty years ago) link
― Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Saturday, 21 June 2003 03:09 (twenty years ago) link
IT IS SO NOT VIABLE!!
(the time i made corn beef hash made me totally wonder why this is a foodstuff humans put in their mouths and then write down to go in recipe books...) (i can actually cook also, this wasn't my failure to follow the instructions)
― mark s (mark s), Saturday, 21 June 2003 11:59 (twenty years ago) link
― Tad (llamasfur), Saturday, 21 June 2003 12:19 (twenty years ago) link
I got this big huge bag of really great tortilla chips last week and used most of it making tasty nacho platters- tortilla chip foundation, covered with Mexican-style jalapeno taco cheese, a big wholloping layer of refried beans, and more cheese. Unfortunately I ran out of cheese right before I had a huge urge to have these again (they're like my new favorite DIY dinner thing) and, failing taco cheese, a moment of divine idiocy struck me:
Hey, I have plenty of individually-wrapped slices of Kraft American cheese. That should be a decent substitute.
A minute in the microwave, and there was a layer of what appeared to be melted yellow plastic between the nachos and the beans. I attempted to salvage what was left untainted by the petrochemical mess, but I think I accidentally got a bit of nacho/bean/oh god that can't be cheese it can't it can't it can't actually in my mouth and let's just say I'm going to be drinking many, many cans of Pepsi tonight to kill that taste.
― nate detritus (natedetritus), Saturday, 22 November 2003 00:10 (twenty years ago) link
Rang my mum, on the basis that mums know everything: "Mum, how do you get burnt-in rice off a saucepan?" The answer, apparently, was to boil some rhubarb in the saucepan and the acid would lift the rice.
An hour later: "Mum, how do you get burnt-in rhubarb off a saucepan?"
― Dr.Nightdub, Saturday, 22 November 2003 02:36 (twenty years ago) link
A friend wanted to make a stir fry but had no vegetables except some of that pickled italian vegetable stuff in a jar, so he attempted to make a pickle stir-fry.
― sucka (sucka), Saturday, 22 November 2003 02:45 (twenty years ago) link
― spanky brown, Saturday, 22 November 2003 06:03 (twenty years ago) link
oh shit
― leigh exodus (country matters), Saturday, 21 March 2009 19:54 (fifteen years ago) link
the tilapia, baked first with lemon, oregano and olive oil, then in red wine, with a chopped tomato, onion and spring onion garnish, was not the problem
the cockles, cooked in the red wine sauce, were not the problem
the fresh crab was not the problem...it was in fact very nice
the problem
― leigh exodus (country matters), Saturday, 21 March 2009 19:56 (fifteen years ago) link
shoot me
the problem was the fact i drizzled everything
everything
with a sauce
this sauce was made by
oh god
it was made by putting an entire box of thornton's luxury chocolates into a saucepan
yes
into a saucepan
and adding
shit
adding an entire wheel of camembert
pungent, ripe camembert
and then melting the lot over a low heat
adding quite a lot of cognac in the process
and yes
the fish and the seafood
was coated
in this unspeakable concoction
― leigh exodus (country matters), Saturday, 21 March 2009 19:58 (fifteen years ago) link
this was to feed a family
a FAMILY
― leigh exodus (country matters), Saturday, 21 March 2009 19:59 (fifteen years ago) link
i am the lowest of beings
ewwwwww
― Mr. Que, Saturday, 21 March 2009 20:18 (fifteen years ago) link
i actually had to prevent myself from involving the tinned artichokes, but this moment of sanity was a sadly isolated incident
― leigh exodus (country matters), Saturday, 21 March 2009 20:40 (fifteen years ago) link
holy shit you should be SB'd from life
― WmC, Saturday, 21 March 2009 20:42 (fifteen years ago) link
or at least kitchens
― WmC, Saturday, 21 March 2009 20:43 (fifteen years ago) link
i'd like to think once bitten, twice shy...but i'm gonna take a lot of work
― leigh exodus (country matters), Saturday, 21 March 2009 20:45 (fifteen years ago) link
I can't top LJ's contribution, and I think I may have mentioned some of these before, but here goes anyway:
1 - sausages (ordinary bangers), served with boiled rice, and topped off with Bist0 gravy.
2 - kedgeree, made with fish fingers instead of smoked haddock
3 - a tuna & sweetcorn risotto, er, thing that just got bigger and bigger as I added more and more things to it. Eventually it filled an entire large restaurant sized wok
4 - never tried this one actually, but a recipe given to me by a relative: Take one large tin of meatballs, one large tin of baked beans. Empty both into a casserole dish. Cover with instant mashed potato. Then cover that with a bag of crushed cheese & onion crisps. Then cover that with grated cheese. Place in oven to cook.
― snoball, Saturday, 21 March 2009 20:51 (fifteen years ago) link
WHY DID YOU DO THAT
― he sounded italian enough to give me something (the schef (adam schefter ha ha)), Saturday, 21 March 2009 20:52 (fifteen years ago) link
because i was trying to outdo the previous two recent instances of me cooking for the family:
hi i love cooking!
and
but sadly, where those were (guarded) successes, this was the worst thing ever
― leigh exodus (country matters), Saturday, 21 March 2009 20:54 (fifteen years ago) link
ok seafood + cheese is usually a no-no to begin with with a handful of exceptions, but chocolate?
― he sounded italian enough to give me something (the schef (adam schefter ha ha)), Saturday, 21 March 2009 20:56 (fifteen years ago) link
i was in a strange, excited, crazy spring mood, the sun was out, and i thought "let's blow some minds"
heston blumenthal, i ain't.
― leigh exodus (country matters), Saturday, 21 March 2009 20:57 (fifteen years ago) link
the sad thing is, i had a perfectly feasible and pleasant dish until the final indignity
Need to keep it simple - like one of my relatives, whose idea of a starter was to wrap a lump of cheese in a slice of ham...
― snoball, Saturday, 21 March 2009 20:59 (fifteen years ago) link
I need to cleanse my body and soul with some real food, like, now
― leigh exodus (country matters), Saturday, 21 March 2009 21:01 (fifteen years ago) link
Get a kebab...
― snoball, Saturday, 21 March 2009 21:02 (fifteen years ago) link
cooking the tilapia twice was jaggerism #1 -- you may need to learn some basic fundamentals of appying heat to ingredients before you try actual "recipes" again
― WmC, Saturday, 21 March 2009 21:03 (fifteen years ago) link
nah i just divided the 30-minute cooking time into 20 and 10
and it wasn't a recipe, it was entirely improvised
i am wretched
― leigh exodus (country matters), Saturday, 21 March 2009 21:08 (fifteen years ago) link
^^ his point still stands my friend.
― ian, Saturday, 21 March 2009 21:17 (fifteen years ago) link
louis get a cookbook and learn to cook someone else's recipes!
― Mr. Que, Saturday, 21 March 2009 21:22 (fifteen years ago) link
this is a good idea
― leigh exodus (country matters), Saturday, 21 March 2009 21:24 (fifteen years ago) link
making olive tapenade as a topping for grilled swordfish
I didn't know how salty it was supposed to beI didn't know how grilled it was supposed to be
the end
― -:¦:-•(¯'•omg•'¯)•-:¦:- (dan m), Saturday, 21 March 2009 21:50 (fifteen years ago) link
an entire box of thornton's luxury chocolatesadding an entire wheel of camembert
did you get this idea from a Ween record?
― WmC, Saturday, 21 March 2009 21:53 (fifteen years ago) link
Lucky LJ didn't try and follow the instructions in Beefheart's "Ice Cream For Crow"...
― snoball, Saturday, 21 March 2009 21:55 (fifteen years ago) link
Recently, I walked to my local grocer (a distance of about 1.5 miles) to procure the ingredients for a large stir-fry, which was to serve as several days worth of sustenance. I returned home, thawed poultry, chopped veggies & started heating up the wok, only to realize that I had failed to purchase wok oil, which I was completely out of. A schlep back to the store was out of the question (lazy), so I rooted through a stash of unfamiliar Asian products my girlfriend had left in the cupboard, in search of a reasonable substitute. Unfortunately, the best thing I could come up with was rice vinegar. Of course, the resulting concoction was disgusting, but I tried to pretend it was tolerable & ended up making myself sick in the process. The rest of the gigantic portion was discarded, and I ended up having to walk back to the store anyway, to get something else to eat.
― 2 ears + 1 ❤ (Pillbox), Saturday, 21 March 2009 22:27 (fifteen years ago) link
great thread. i don't think i've had a culinary disaster in a few years, but i have a theory that the heating element you use can make or break a dish. one year i had an oven in a rented apartment that produced bad food no matter what i cooked, but as soon as i moved to a new place with a different oven, the food was good again. i get really good vibes from my current oven.
― battlestar elastica (get bent), Saturday, 21 March 2009 22:40 (fifteen years ago) link
My mother says that quite a bit. Particularly wrt gas vs electric ovens. There's also this false sense of confidence from having an electric fan oven - "it's a fan oven, the temperature will stay even, it's designed that way!" - that just doesn't work out in practice.
Not quite on the level of "melted Thornton's chocolates over fish", but I once tried putting chilli sauce over vanilla ice cream - absolutely disgusting...
― snoball, Saturday, 21 March 2009 22:52 (fifteen years ago) link
i don't know...i think that's in the same bizarre ballpark
i once had salmon with a jack daniels and chocolate glaze that was really good, but was cooked by you know a real life chef in a restaurant
― fap fap fap wtf crazy caps self-publishe... (1) (rent), Saturday, 21 March 2009 23:59 (fifteen years ago) link
i mean tilapia cooked in red wine is suspicious too...
i just can't get over louis's dish. i mean, it is beyond strongo cuisine isn't it?
― he sounded italian enough to give me something (the schef (adam schefter ha ha)), Sunday, 22 March 2009 04:56 (fifteen years ago) link
i'm sorry louis to single you out but seriously that all blew my mind
― he sounded italian enough to give me something (the schef (adam schefter ha ha)), Sunday, 22 March 2009 04:57 (fifteen years ago) link
Where did you come up with 30 minutes cooking time for tilapia?
There are starving AIG execs in New Jersey who could have used the food you ruined --
― WmC, Sunday, 22 March 2009 05:19 (fifteen years ago) link
i expect louis's family looked at their plates and calmly ascribed what they saw to his streak.
― estela, Sunday, 22 March 2009 05:23 (fifteen years ago) link
Were you on acid when you did this? Good lord.
― one art, please (Trayce), Sunday, 22 March 2009 07:53 (fifteen years ago) link
can i just
if you never poured homemade luxury chocolate and camembert cheese over tilapia, you probably don't belong itt
― barrymore, murdrewland (J0rdan S.), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 17:26 (fourteen years ago) link
thread now locked to all but one person in the entire history of the planet then
― all we hear is lady o'gaga (donna rouge), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 17:28 (fourteen years ago) link
the phrase "luxury chocolate" is killing me.
― north sea jazz dit weekend (call all destroyer), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 17:29 (fourteen years ago) link
How else can you describe chocolates filled with with low-grade rum and brandy? Especially those with chocolate sprinkles on top?
― throwbookatface (skygreenleopard), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 17:32 (fourteen years ago) link
maybe LJ should write The Ween Cookbook, complete with this fabulous "Chocolate and Cheese" repice
― nabisco, Wednesday, 15 July 2009 17:33 (fourteen years ago) link
We're trying to bring this thread back to "the culinary disasters of normal human beings" rather than "LJ does fusion and by fusion we mean fusion atom bomb".
ginger somehow grates down to like one teaspoon
Key point is, fresh ginger is about a billion times stronger than the dried powder. Actually I use this Julian Graves' Chinese Stem Ginger in syrup, which is pretty good, hot but not bleeeeeeeeeeurrAAAAARRGGH.
― Gark M (snoball), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 17:34 (fourteen years ago) link
there's nothing wrong with chocolate and cheese by itself -- a cup of hot chocolate is often served with cheese for a snack. pretty typical south american thing iirc.
but melting it all and pouring over a heavily seasoned piece of whitefish? dear god.
― figgy pudding (La Lechera), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 17:50 (fourteen years ago) link
The fish is the real problem here.
― Like most people my age, I am 33 (Laurel), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 18:00 (fourteen years ago) link
if using tequila & limes to marinate chicken prior to grilling, please remember to use the tequila sparingly, unless you enjoy eating hot booze
― little pomegranate, king of the lily (elmo argonaut), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 18:04 (fourteen years ago) link
adding cooked rice to canned tomato soup is a fine idea; cooking the rice in the tomato soup is not
― little pomegranate, king of the lily (elmo argonaut), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 18:05 (fourteen years ago) link
what happens? tomato gruel?
― nabisco, Wednesday, 15 July 2009 18:09 (fourteen years ago) link
or a dry red lump?
(xxpost) use Malibu rum in trifles sparingly...
― Gark M (snoball), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 18:11 (fourteen years ago) link
i'm guessing undercooked rice and overcooked soup
― Ømår Littel (Jordan), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 18:11 (fourteen years ago) link
roasted potatoes -- if a lot of rock salt makes them taste amazing, a WHOLE lot of rock salt doesn't make them taste more amazing.
― Ømår Littel (Jordan), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 18:12 (fourteen years ago) link
it was a gummy glutinous burned tomato mess xxp
― little pomegranate, king of the lily (elmo argonaut), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 18:15 (fourteen years ago) link
Not my personal disaster, but one I had to eat: chicken noodle soup is not an acceptable substitute for cream of chicken soup in a casserole.
Wasabi-lemon-olive oil dipping sauce was a sadly tasteless fail this past weekend. Wasabi powder really tasted of not much of anything, maybe it has to sit around to develop spiciness or something.
― Jaq, Wednesday, 15 July 2009 18:28 (fourteen years ago) link
my experiences with powdered wasabi have all been underwhelming, jaq
― little pomegranate, king of the lily (elmo argonaut), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 18:30 (fourteen years ago) link
yeah I'm sorry LJ, but your stuff is an offence to food. a heinous offence.
― Local Garda, Wednesday, 15 July 2009 18:33 (fourteen years ago) link
LJ - you should have been made to sit and eat all that food for wasting the fuck out of it. in fact I should report whoever was there who didn't make you to social services for neglect of duty.
― problem chimp (Porkpie), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 18:57 (fourteen years ago) link
I once put a bunch of salt and cayenne on popcorn. I can generally handle cayenne. the heat doesn't bother me. but for some reason after the first few kernels I started coughing violently and couldn't stop for like 5 minutes and almost vomited at a few points.
― Fetchboy, Wednesday, 15 July 2009 21:56 (fourteen years ago) link
I had a similar popcorn failure last weekend actually!
I often like to add things to microwave popcorn once its done, just a little paprika or whatever, but this time I thought "hey I'll add some of this vegetable stock powder, thatll be great!"
It was queerly unpleasant. I think the fake butter clashed with it somehow.
― seagulls are assholes (Trayce), Wednesday, 15 July 2009 23:19 (fourteen years ago) link
my roommate a few nights ago topped her popcorn with the following:-hot sauce, lime juice, tequila
she was surprise when it turned into a soggy mess!!
― ian, Wednesday, 15 July 2009 23:35 (fourteen years ago) link
i like to put curry powder on popcorn btw.
― ian, Wednesday, 15 July 2009 23:36 (fourteen years ago) link
housemate with a flair for 'improvising' decided that while making a thai curry one evening, that evaporated milk was a fine substitute for coconut milk. I could only politely eat a mouthful before begging off. Ugh. The texture...the taste...ARG it was all so bloody WRONG
― VegemiteGrrrl, Thursday, 16 July 2009 05:38 (fourteen years ago) link
the recipe I used for my first ever pumpkin pie said that cooking the pie on the floor of the oven was the best way to go for a crispy crust and evenly cooked pie. the pie looked a treat when it came out of the oven. Thanksgiving Day, in front of my husband's family I cut the pie and as I placed a segment on a plate, I notice the bottom half, including some of the filling was BLACK. the crust felt like burned wood, the thing was charred to within in an inch of its life. Luckily the top half was still in tact, so I told everyone to grab a spoon and scoop up some filling...recommending that they not dig too deep.
― VegemiteGrrrl, Thursday, 16 July 2009 05:44 (fourteen years ago) link
housemate with a flair for 'improvising' decided that while making a thai curry one evening, that evaporated milk was a fine substitute for coconut milk.
Thats interesting cos Carnation do make a coconut-flavoured evaporated milk thats meant to be some kind of lo-cal substitute for coconut milk. I imagine it'd be hideous.
― seagulls are assholes (Trayce), Thursday, 16 July 2009 07:04 (fourteen years ago) link
it's the consistency of DeWitts. Chalky, nasty.
― VegemiteGrrrl, Friday, 17 July 2009 03:16 (fourteen years ago) link
― ian, Wednesday, July 15, 2009 7:36 PM (2 days ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink
A+++++++++
― dont blaze me dro (roxymuzak), Saturday, 18 July 2009 02:47 (fourteen years ago) link
Love the story about using Schlitz to mask alfredo eggnog pasta; classic example of punching yourself in the stomach when you have a headache!
― Armageddon Two: Armageddon (dyao), Saturday, 18 July 2009 03:19 (fourteen years ago) link
Can't speak to this but I routinely cook quinoa and couscous in tomato soup and it's just fine -- did it tonight in fact.
― Guayaquil (eephus!), Monday, 27 July 2009 02:09 (fourteen years ago) link
http://photos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs132.snc1/5654_121922482089_596287089_3122791_3579048_n.jpg
no luxury chocolate & camembert sauce = A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION
― meme-first attitude (J0rdan S.), Monday, 27 July 2009 04:06 (fourteen years ago) link
Microwaved Kraft singles and Texas Pete quesadilla did not work out.
― Kerm, Monday, 27 July 2009 04:50 (fourteen years ago) link
how could you screw that up
― kid cruti (roxymuzak), Monday, 27 July 2009 04:59 (fourteen years ago) link
No results found for "shall i make weird dinner".
― vacuum head tree disease (imago), Sunday, 8 March 2015 20:29 (nine years ago) link
THE PAST IS A GROTESQUE ANIMAL
― Mistah FAAB (sarahell), Sunday, 8 March 2015 20:37 (nine years ago) link
lol we did well there
― vacuum head tree disease (imago), Sunday, 8 March 2015 20:45 (nine years ago) link
props to Stevie D for the inspiration
― Mistah FAAB (sarahell), Sunday, 8 March 2015 20:46 (nine years ago) link
yes. also funny to see other acclaimed lyricsmiths pass through, unable to add to the glory
― vacuum head tree disease (imago), Sunday, 8 March 2015 20:47 (nine years ago) link
would anyone like to know what 'weird dinner' putatively consists of
― vacuum head tree disease (imago), Sunday, 8 March 2015 20:48 (nine years ago) link
This is not my disaster, nor anyone's here, but it is a level of disaster to which we should all not-aspire:
Anyway, the story Pattinson tells to preface what he is about to do is roughly this:Last year, he says, he had a business idea. What if, he said to himself, “pasta really had the same kind of fast-food credentials as burgers and pizzas? I was trying to figure out how to capitalize in this area of the market, and I was trying to think: How do you make a pasta which you can hold in your hand?”He says he went so far as to design a prototype that involved the use of a panini press, and then, he says, he went even further, setting up a meeting with Los Angeles restaurant royalty Lele Massimini, the cofounder of Sugarfish and proprietor of the Santa Monica pasta restaurant Uovo. “And I told him my business plan,” Pattinson recalls, “and his facial expression didn’t even change afterwards. Let alone acknowledge what my plan was. There was absolutely no sign of anything from him, literally. And so it kind of put me off a little bit.” (Massimini says: “It’s 100 percent true, everything he told you.”)Nevertheless, Pattinson says, he conceived of a brand name for his product, a soft little moniker that kind of summed up what he thought his pasta creation looked like: Piccolini Cuscino. Little Pillow. He thought he’d give the product another go, with me now: “Maybe if I say it in GQ, maybe, like, a partner will just come along.”So he now takes hold of the bag that he’s brought from the corner store, out of which he produces the following:One (1) giant, filthy, dust-covered box of cornflakes. (“I went to the shop, and they didn’t sell breadcrumbs. I’m like, ‘Oh, fuck it! I’m just getting cornflakes. That’s basically the same shit.’ ”)One (1) incredibly large novelty lighter. (“I always liked the idea of doing a little flambé, like the brand name, with kind of burnt ends at the top.”)Nine (9) packs of presliced cheese. (“I got, like, nine packs of presliced cheese.”)Sauce. (Like a tomato sauce? “Just any sauce.”)He puts on latex gloves. He pulls out some sugar and some aluminum foil and makes a bed, a kind of hollowed-out sphere, with the foil. He holds up a box of penne pasta that he had in the house. “All right,” Pattinson says. “So obviously, first things first, you gotta microwave the pasta.”I watch as he pours dry penne into a cereal bowl, covers it with water, and places it in the microwave for eight minutes. He says using penne is already new territory for him. Usually he uses…well… “Do you know the pasta that’s, like, a little, it’s like a blob, a sort of squiggly blob?”“Gnocchi?”“No, no, no, no, it looks like—what would you even call it? It looks like a sort of messy…like, the hair bun on a girl.”“I have literally no idea what you’re talking about,” I say.“There was one type of pasta that worked. It definitely wasn’t penne.”Nevertheless, penne and water in the microwave for eight minutes. In the meantime, he takes the foil and he begins dumping sugar on top of it. “I found after a lot of experimentation that you really need to congeal everything in an enormous amount of sugar and cheese.” So after the sugar, he opens his first package of cheese and begins layering slice after slice onto the sugar-foil. Then more sugar: “It really needs a sugar crust.”Then he realizes that he’s forgotten the outer layer, which is supposed to be breadcrumbs but today will be crushed-up cornflakes, and so he lifts the pile of cheese and sugar and crumbles some cornflakes onto the aluminum foil before placing the sugar-cheese back on top of it. Then he adds sauce, which is red. The microwave dings, and Pattinson promptly burns himself on the bowl of pasta. He sighs, heavily, looking at it. “No idea if it’s cooked or not.” He dumps the pasta in anyway. At this point, his spirits have visibly begun to flag. “I mean, there’s absolutely no chance this is gonna work. Absolutely none.”The little pillow now mostly built, he pours more sugar on top of it and then produces the top half of a bun, which he hollows out, places it on top of the rest of whatever the hell this thing is, and…begins burning the top of the bun with the giant novelty lighter. “I’m just gonna do the initials.…”“You look like you’re cooking meth,” I say, because he does.“I’m really trying to sell this company. I’m doing this for my brand.”At this point, he accidentally ignites one of his latex gloves, which promptly melts onto his palm. He yells in pain. Then he gingerly holds up the finished product: some approximation of a P, followed by a C, for Piccolini Cuscino, burned into the top of a hamburger bun.He starts wrapping the whole thing up with more aluminum foil, and then compacts it, and then wraps it some more, and then squeezes it again. Suddenly he stops: “Can you actually put foil in an oven?”I say yes, you can, but what you absolutely cannot do is put foil in a microwave. And he says cool, cool, and then he goes looking for his oven, which he’s never used before, and this is a nice house, so there are multiple options, and the one he settles on, well: It looks like another microwave to me. He assures me it is not.“I reckon probably…10 minutes?”He puts the aluminum sphere, the little pillow, into what he thinks is an oven and I think is a microwave. He attempts to turn it on. “I actually knew how to do this before,” he tells me. “I literally did this yesterday. And now it’s just impossible. It’s going to look like I can’t cook at all.”He fumbles at some more buttons. “Oh, oh, oh,” he says, excitedly now. “A thousand watts, there you go.”Proudly he is walking back toward the counter that his phone is on when, behind him, a lightning bolt erupts from the oven/microwave, and Pattinson ducks like someone outside has opened fire. He’s giggling and crouching as the oven throws off stray flickers of light and sound.“The fucking electricity…oh, my God,” he says, still on the floor. And then, with a loud, final bang, the oven/microwave goes dark.In the silence, Pattinson and I both stare at the mysterious piece of machinery built into the wall behind him.“Yeah, I think I have to leave that alone,” he says, sighing again, picking himself off the floor. “But that is a Piccolini Cuscino.”
Last year, he says, he had a business idea. What if, he said to himself, “pasta really had the same kind of fast-food credentials as burgers and pizzas? I was trying to figure out how to capitalize in this area of the market, and I was trying to think: How do you make a pasta which you can hold in your hand?”
He says he went so far as to design a prototype that involved the use of a panini press, and then, he says, he went even further, setting up a meeting with Los Angeles restaurant royalty Lele Massimini, the cofounder of Sugarfish and proprietor of the Santa Monica pasta restaurant Uovo. “And I told him my business plan,” Pattinson recalls, “and his facial expression didn’t even change afterwards. Let alone acknowledge what my plan was. There was absolutely no sign of anything from him, literally. And so it kind of put me off a little bit.” (Massimini says: “It’s 100 percent true, everything he told you.”)
Nevertheless, Pattinson says, he conceived of a brand name for his product, a soft little moniker that kind of summed up what he thought his pasta creation looked like: Piccolini Cuscino. Little Pillow. He thought he’d give the product another go, with me now: “Maybe if I say it in GQ, maybe, like, a partner will just come along.”
So he now takes hold of the bag that he’s brought from the corner store, out of which he produces the following:
One (1) giant, filthy, dust-covered box of cornflakes. (“I went to the shop, and they didn’t sell breadcrumbs. I’m like, ‘Oh, fuck it! I’m just getting cornflakes. That’s basically the same shit.’ ”)
One (1) incredibly large novelty lighter. (“I always liked the idea of doing a little flambé, like the brand name, with kind of burnt ends at the top.”)
Nine (9) packs of presliced cheese. (“I got, like, nine packs of presliced cheese.”)
Sauce. (Like a tomato sauce? “Just any sauce.”)
He puts on latex gloves. He pulls out some sugar and some aluminum foil and makes a bed, a kind of hollowed-out sphere, with the foil. He holds up a box of penne pasta that he had in the house. “All right,” Pattinson says. “So obviously, first things first, you gotta microwave the pasta.”
I watch as he pours dry penne into a cereal bowl, covers it with water, and places it in the microwave for eight minutes. He says using penne is already new territory for him. Usually he uses…well… “Do you know the pasta that’s, like, a little, it’s like a blob, a sort of squiggly blob?”
“Gnocchi?”
“No, no, no, no, it looks like—what would you even call it? It looks like a sort of messy…like, the hair bun on a girl.”
“I have literally no idea what you’re talking about,” I say.
“There was one type of pasta that worked. It definitely wasn’t penne.”
Nevertheless, penne and water in the microwave for eight minutes. In the meantime, he takes the foil and he begins dumping sugar on top of it. “I found after a lot of experimentation that you really need to congeal everything in an enormous amount of sugar and cheese.” So after the sugar, he opens his first package of cheese and begins layering slice after slice onto the sugar-foil. Then more sugar: “It really needs a sugar crust.”
Then he realizes that he’s forgotten the outer layer, which is supposed to be breadcrumbs but today will be crushed-up cornflakes, and so he lifts the pile of cheese and sugar and crumbles some cornflakes onto the aluminum foil before placing the sugar-cheese back on top of it. Then he adds sauce, which is red. The microwave dings, and Pattinson promptly burns himself on the bowl of pasta. He sighs, heavily, looking at it. “No idea if it’s cooked or not.” He dumps the pasta in anyway. At this point, his spirits have visibly begun to flag. “I mean, there’s absolutely no chance this is gonna work. Absolutely none.”
The little pillow now mostly built, he pours more sugar on top of it and then produces the top half of a bun, which he hollows out, places it on top of the rest of whatever the hell this thing is, and…begins burning the top of the bun with the giant novelty lighter. “I’m just gonna do the initials.…”
“You look like you’re cooking meth,” I say, because he does.
“I’m really trying to sell this company. I’m doing this for my brand.”
At this point, he accidentally ignites one of his latex gloves, which promptly melts onto his palm. He yells in pain. Then he gingerly holds up the finished product: some approximation of a P, followed by a C, for Piccolini Cuscino, burned into the top of a hamburger bun.
He starts wrapping the whole thing up with more aluminum foil, and then compacts it, and then wraps it some more, and then squeezes it again. Suddenly he stops: “Can you actually put foil in an oven?”
I say yes, you can, but what you absolutely cannot do is put foil in a microwave. And he says cool, cool, and then he goes looking for his oven, which he’s never used before, and this is a nice house, so there are multiple options, and the one he settles on, well: It looks like another microwave to me. He assures me it is not.
“I reckon probably…10 minutes?”
He puts the aluminum sphere, the little pillow, into what he thinks is an oven and I think is a microwave. He attempts to turn it on. “I actually knew how to do this before,” he tells me. “I literally did this yesterday. And now it’s just impossible. It’s going to look like I can’t cook at all.”
He fumbles at some more buttons. “Oh, oh, oh,” he says, excitedly now. “A thousand watts, there you go.”
Proudly he is walking back toward the counter that his phone is on when, behind him, a lightning bolt erupts from the oven/microwave, and Pattinson ducks like someone outside has opened fire. He’s giggling and crouching as the oven throws off stray flickers of light and sound.
“The fucking electricity…oh, my God,” he says, still on the floor. And then, with a loud, final bang, the oven/microwave goes dark.
In the silence, Pattinson and I both stare at the mysterious piece of machinery built into the wall behind him.
“Yeah, I think I have to leave that alone,” he says, sighing again, picking himself off the floor. “But that is a Piccolini Cuscino.”
― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 12 May 2020 15:10 (four years ago) link
thats good content
― adam, Tuesday, 12 May 2020 15:19 (four years ago) link
Oh my god.
― change display name (Jordan), Tuesday, 12 May 2020 16:13 (four years ago) link
It’s like, dirtbag Mr Bean or something. But better. So good.
― terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 12 May 2020 16:16 (four years ago) link
<3
― or something, Tuesday, 12 May 2020 16:30 (four years ago) link
He’s giggling and crouching...
Hmmm. This sounds like a man with time on his hands and money to burn.
― A is for (Aimless), Tuesday, 12 May 2020 19:17 (four years ago) link
the problem was the fact i drizzled everythingeverythingwith a saucethis sauce was made byoh godit was made by putting an entire box of thornton's luxury chocolates into a saucepanyesinto a saucepanand addingshitadding an entire wheel of camembertpungent, ripe camembertand then melting the lot over a low heatadding quite a lot of cognac in the processand yesthe fish and the seafoodwas coatedin this unspeakable concoction― leigh exodus (country matters), Saturday, March 21, 2009 3:58 PM (eleven years ago) bookmarkflaglink
― leigh exodus (country matters), Saturday, March 21, 2009 3:58 PM (eleven years ago) bookmarkflaglink
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/voraciously/wp/2020/05/12/chocolate-milk-simmered-chicken-dont-knock-it-until-you-try-it/?itid=hp_rhp__hp-top-table-low_life-2%3Ahomepage%2Fstory-ans
Could Leigh have been onto something? (Or just...on something?)
― Life is a banquet and my invitation was lost in the mail (j.lu), Thursday, 14 May 2020 13:15 (four years ago) link