So that they don't whistle on the way down
― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:03 (nineteen years ago) link
"Sorry, I'm not interested," says the girl.
The mushroom, undaunted, asks "Why not? I'm a fun-gi."
― roger adultery (roger adultery), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:03 (nineteen years ago) link
― lauren (laurenp), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:04 (nineteen years ago) link
Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:05 (nineteen years ago) link
― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:06 (nineteen years ago) link
― captain black, Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:06 (nineteen years ago) link
― captain black, Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:07 (nineteen years ago) link
― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:10 (nineteen years ago) link
> Late one Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It> was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the
> streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by
> the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then
> suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
>
> BUMP........
> Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
> rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning the corner.
> He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached
> from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It
> was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and
> started walking briskly home.
> He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
> faster.........
> BUMP........BUMP.......
> BUMP........BUMP........
> The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
> heard the coffin speed up after him......
> BUMP......BUMP.....BUMP...
> He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ......
> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
> Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only
> seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
> his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the
> front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his
> comfy chair......
> Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
> the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
> allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its
> chase....
> BUMP...SCREACH...BUMP...SCREACH...
> In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
> take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
> BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...BUMP...SCREACH...HOP...
> The coffin gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched
> itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door
> flew off its hinges. The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to
> approach the young terrified lad.....
> In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached into his bathroom
> cabinet......
> He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
> coffin.......
> still it came ........
> He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........
> still it came......
> He grabbed his Boots first aid kit and threw it .....
> He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it........
> The coffin stopped
― captain black, Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:10 (nineteen years ago) link
Bartender says "sure, but - why the big paws?"
:)
― roger adultery (roger adultery), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:12 (nineteen years ago) link
He says "ouch".
― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:32 (nineteen years ago) link
― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:33 (nineteen years ago) link
The barman says "hey - get out! We don't want your type in here".
― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:34 (nineteen years ago) link
― lauren (laurenp), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:34 (nineteen years ago) link
― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:37 (nineteen years ago) link
The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"
― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:40 (nineteen years ago) link
"How sick are you ?" asks his boss.
"Well," he replies, "I'm in bed with my sister."
― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:41 (nineteen years ago) link
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor..
― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:43 (nineteen years ago) link
― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:45 (nineteen years ago) link
― xexxee, Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:57 (nineteen years ago) link
A man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast and said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."
The woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I'm staying in room 113."
― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 1 July 2004 18:57 (nineteen years ago) link
Roll-AIDS
― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Thursday, 1 July 2004 19:07 (nineteen years ago) link
― roger adultery (roger adultery), Thursday, 1 July 2004 19:32 (nineteen years ago) link
Cos he's got tiny legs!
― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 1 July 2004 19:40 (nineteen years ago) link
― Mark P-a- (Assumed persona), Thursday, 1 July 2004 19:52 (nineteen years ago) link
"Aye," says the leprechaun. "It's drivin' me nuts!"
― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 1 July 2004 19:56 (nineteen years ago) link
― Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 1 July 2004 20:18 (nineteen years ago) link
― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Thursday, 1 July 2004 20:20 (nineteen years ago) link
― Davel (Davel), Friday, 2 July 2004 06:38 (nineteen years ago) link
― DJ Mencap (DJ Mencap), Friday, 2 July 2004 08:33 (nineteen years ago) link
― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Friday, 2 July 2004 08:54 (nineteen years ago) link
IT: Good morning, IT Helpdesk. Can I help you?Customer: Yes, hello. I seem to have lost access to the netIT: OK. Let’s see if we can sort this out for you. Firstly let me take your nameCustomer: Fernando Torres
Customer: Yes, hello. I seem to have lost access to the net
IT: OK. Let’s see if we can sort this out for you. Firstly let me take your name
Customer: Fernando Torres
― James Mitchell, Tuesday, 12 April 2011 13:36 (thirteen years ago) link
That's far from terrible!
― Tom D (Tom D.), Tuesday, 12 April 2011 13:39 (thirteen years ago) link
A store detective sees a lone child in his shop he goes up to them and says "Have you lost your mummy?" Kid says yes. "What's she like?" asks the store detective. The kid replies "Big dicks and vodka!"
― Stone Monkey, Tuesday, 12 April 2011 19:06 (thirteen years ago) link
did you hear about the award for dentist of the year?
it's a little plaque
― they call him (remy bean), Tuesday, 12 April 2011 20:22 (thirteen years ago) link
remy I lol'd
― VegemiteGrrl, Tuesday, 12 April 2011 20:28 (thirteen years ago) link
Have you heard about the new Constipation movie?
It hasn't come out yet.
i was at home the other week watching some LPGA tournament with my dad (on the teevee), and a young korean contender is knelt down on the green evaluating its aspect for her impending putt, when he releases the timeless bon mot, "looks like there's more than one slope!"
you can take the dad out of the 'nam, but...
― 1-800-ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT-SPAGHETTI (del griffith), Tuesday, 12 April 2011 20:32 (thirteen years ago) link
just about all of the literature that comes out of Iceland these days is about Vikings. Viking novels, plays, tv shows, movies, and comic books are hugely popular there, and while a few of them are the product of historical research, most are pure fantasy. after getting thousands of complaints from confused consumers, the Icelandic parliament recently passed a law requiring Viking-related works to attest to their veracity: today, all Viking fiction must bear the disclaimer, "All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental," and, fittingly, all Viking nonfiction must bear the disclaimer, "BASED ON A TRUE SNORRI."
― administratieve blunder (unregistered), Tuesday, 12 April 2011 21:37 (thirteen years ago) link
just about all of the cultural products that come out of Iceland these days are about Vikings. Viking novels, plays, tv shows, movies, and comic books are hugely popular there, and while a few of them are the product of historical research, most are pure fantasy. after getting thousands of complaints from confused consumers, the Icelandic parliament recently passed a law requiring Viking-related works to attest to their level of veracity: today, all Viking fiction must bear the disclaimer, "All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental," and, fittingly, all Viking nonfiction must bear the disclaimer, "BASED ON A TRUE SNORRI."
*fixed* (slightly)
― administratieve blunder (unregistered), Tuesday, 12 April 2011 21:42 (thirteen years ago) link
idg the fernando torres one. Is he a soccer player or something?
― Concubine Tree (Trayce), Wednesday, 13 April 2011 06:27 (thirteen years ago) link
retired now but yeah
― the salmon of procrastination (darraghmac), Wednesday, 13 April 2011 06:49 (thirteen years ago) link
I'm thinking of starting a charity where daring women volunteer their bodies to men who can't get any normally. Its called Women Help (the) Ordinarily Rejected Enjoy Sex
― Wacky Way Lounge (Evan), Wednesday, 13 April 2011 14:32 (thirteen years ago) link
one i came up with:
Knock KnockWho's there?Interuppting cow from JerseyInteruppti-FACK YOU!
― frogbs, Wednesday, 13 April 2011 15:40 (thirteen years ago) link
Lol
― Si tu parles, tu meurs. Si tu te tais, tu meurs. Alors, dis et (Michael White), Wednesday, 13 April 2011 15:47 (thirteen years ago) link