Homemade Jokes

I've been swimming in raw sewage. Lyle Lovett!

lmao never gonna hear that song the same again

I do actually love that

So the other day I started reading this book about the myriad difficulties that arise when trying to euthanise dogs - I did! it's a real book that exists.

AND

LET

ME

TELL

YOU

I couldn't put it down.

http://i.imgur.com/1fDus.gif

:-)

Q. why do anarchists drink herbal tea?
A. because they're wankers

It works

Hey there everybody, what's happening? So get this. At the grocery store earlier, I noticed that certain generic brand kitchen trash bags are now treated with a chemical component that absorbs foul smells. Kind of like built-in Arm and Hammer. Have you seen these? Have you seen these bags? They're called "odor control" bags, pretty cool technology. Well anyway, after reading Yahoo! OMG this morning, I got to wondering if perhaps Khloé Kardashian had not secretly hoped that Hefty might soon market a line of extra-strength trash bags durable enough to dispose of a human corpse... called Lamar Odom control bags! Cause I don't care if you have kids in the family or not, you don't want addicts in your home, folks. You do not want an addict in your home. Hey, you've been a great audience you guys, thanks so much!

Why did the two middle-aged jewish ladies decide not to stay at the Daft Punk full-album show? Because it was Humid After All.

harder, better, farkakte

I have told that Jewish lady/Daft Punk joke so many times; there are v few ppl who get it but those who do make it worth it.

friend of mine loaned me a big collection of fine art, I was like "thanks man, I appreciate it"

I like it

I don't understand it; my 5 year old could make that joke!

I thought of a really really terrible joke and it goes thus:

why did the moroccan restaurant start only serving half portions?

just cous

oh come on, that's great

Q: What did Pink Floyd do after they wrote Wish You Were Here?
A: Push Syd Barrett out the window

― i don't even have an internet (Hurting 2), Wednesday, June 26, 2013 3:59 AM (3 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

missed this, feeling this

"Hey, I heard that Columbia cancelled Steve Lukather's record deal. Isn't that awful? He played a pivotal role in the band."
"In Toto?"
"Yeah, they cancelled the entire contract, not just certain clauses."

nice

somehow the awkwardness of the punchline only makes it funnier

lol

IRL LOL'd at unregistered's joke.

Q: What did the rappin' ship say when he docked safely?

A: "I'd just like to give a shout out to all my buoys!"

I just got an email from Banana Republic advertising "Party Perfect Dresses." Shows what they know - I never go to parties!

I was looking for something to masturbate to the other day, when suddenly I came upon this magazine

~*gRoAnS*~

exactly

No, that wasn't about you. I was just coming across this magazine I found.

Was it hard to come by?

come on guys

that's the one

Come on electric

Do ra do ra do ah aye

What did the geometry pirate order from the pizzeria?

"Two pie, arrrrrr!"

Who is treeship's favourite singer?

Justin Timberlake!

whoa

leaf garrett

If a Minnehaha Falls in the forest...

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The E Train.
The E-Train wh--
WE ARE DELAYED BECAUSE OF TRAIN TRAFFIC AHEAD OF US.

So have you guys heard about the single malt scotch whiskey made entirely by Jews?

Glenepstien

Why did the man wear a frock and collar to the minimalist art center?

Because he thought they said he was going to be a deacon, not going to DIA Beacon!

what did edward snowden say when he heard the nsa was defunding its data collection center?

yottabyte me!

Did you guys hear Björk's re-releasing video art versions of all her records? No, really! She brought her husband into the studio to cremaster the original tapes!

lol

I hear Miley Cyrus is being sued by a company that makes foam appendages for sports fans. It's apparently a case of copyright infingerment.

Why was the bare-legged man kicked out of the grain field?

Because he was three wheats to the shin.

What's the worst thing your dad could say to you as you're giving him a blow-job?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."

haha, that's down-home homemade humor right there.

The other day a woman asked me if I felt "secure" about the size of my penis. And the truth was, I had never really considered it in depth. Although I had given it some thought in length and breadth.

i've been sharing wins' heinrich mann one far and wide. its p. great, but doesn't seem to have universal appeal