I Regret Eating My Placenta

ah, the single-sentence paragraph "let me explain", so beloved of shitty writers and holders of opinions

ulysses

we woke up one morning to find our baby Ulysses had gripped hold of the cord and detached it by himself, leaving a neat and healthy-looking belly button.

lol xp

sometimes I wonder if all these "natural birth" evangelists have any concept whatsoever of the history of infant and maternal mortality rates during childbirth

she looks like janice litman goralnik

I was researching what ails my pregnancy on the internet the other day and came across a midwife message board in which one midwife was questioning whether she should recommend that all of her patients undergo ultrasounds (which is how this complication is diagnosed) because she had a client who had been diagnosed with said complication, and if she hadn't had the ultrasound but had proceeded to labor, consequences would have been dire indeed. Anyway, there was a lot of back and forth and finally one poster went on at length about how the important thing is for women to trust themselves and to trust nature and not to rely on the medical establishment or technology, and that she would never recommend ultrasounds, or even talk to her clients about them, because this undermines our own innate wisdom and any deaths that resulted were a small price to pay for reconnected with our intuition. The original poster decided not to let fear guide her decisions and to continue to tell her clients about ultrasounds but not to recommend that they get them.

I don't know what happened after that because I got so angry I blacked out.

comments are lol

That child has the look of someone who successfully conned two grown humans into bending to his will BEFORE HE EVEN LEFT THE WOMB.

He's either the next Einstein or the next Mussolini. LOOK INTO HIS EYES.

ultrasounds are totally harmless! they're not like amniocentesis for god's sake

Like, these bozos would rather my child (and also possibly me) die than take advantage of modern technology because ~~intuition~~.

Baaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrffffffffffffffffffffff

sometimes I wonder if all these "natural birth" evangelists have any concept whatsoever of the history of infant and maternal mortality rates during childbirth

― Ayn Rand Akbar (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, October 24, 2013 4:52 PM (2 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

did they teach that in the undergraduate arts curriculum they dropped out of?

In the 1850s, the infant mortality rate in the United States was estimated at 216.8 per 1,000 babies born for whites and 340.0 per 1,000 for African Americans, but rates have significantly declined in the West in modern times. This declining rate has been mainly due to modern improvements in basic health care, technology, and medical advances. In the last three decades, infant mortality overall has also decreased considerably. In the last century, the infant mortality rate has decreased by 93%. Overall, the rates have decreased drastically from 20 deaths in 1970 to 6.9 deaths in 2003 (per every 1000 live births).

sorry, I was scanning through the beginning of this thread and noticed this:

If i get pregnant I'm going to throw my placenta on the ice after a Blackhawks game.

― Jeff, Tuesday, April 3, 2012 5:18 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Ha, I forgot saying that. Carl, we need to save the placenta for 2 days to make it to the first home game after the birth.

LOL

Since the stupid placenta is part of the problem, we can throw it onto Lake Shore Drive and watch the cars grind it into the asphalt for all I care.

I guess the "jaunty hat" is out, then

The author of that article has a blog: http://mamanaturally.wordpress.com/

Oh this is fun.

To save money while eating "healthy":

Tip 4: Forage wild food for free; go to your local woods, park or even your neighbour’s front gardens where you will be surprised at how much is growing, even in the city.

aka steal food from your neighbors. Cheap! Also apparently serve turds on a plate: http://mamanaturally.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/img_0649.jpg

Ha ha what is that supposed to be?

lol omg what is that? date bars? never put them into turd form!

turds stolen from neighbors, presumably

placenta bars obv

Below I have taken a selection of common childhood imbalances from Louise L. Hay’s book ‘You can heal your life’ and given their mental invitations/thoughts that have manifested the illness.

Try not to discredit or take this information too personally; as the buddhists teachings go, we all come here with our own karmas and the only certainty in life is that all humans will endure suffering at some level.

Accidents – Inability to speak up for the self. Rebellion against authority. Belief in violence.
Aches – Longing for love/to be held.
Allergies – Denying own power.
Anemia – Lack of joy. Fear of life. Feeling not good enough.
Adenoids – Family friction. Arguments. Child feeling unwelcome or in the way.
Anxiety – Not trusting the flow and process of life.
Asthma – Smother love. inability to breathe for oneself. Suppressed crying.
Baby asthma – Fear of life. Not wanting to be here.
Bedwetting – Fear of parent, often the father.
Childhood diseases – Childish behaviour in the adults around them.
Colds – Too much going on at once. Mental confusion.
Colic – Mental irritation. Impatience. Annoyance in the surroundings.
Pink eye – Anger and frustration. Not wanting to see.
Eye problems – Not wanting to see what is going on in the family.
Earache – Anger. Not wanting to hear. Too much turmoil. Parents arguing.
Eczema – Breath-taking antagoism. Mental eruptions.
Fevers – Anger. Burning-up.
Overweight – Represents protection. Oversensitivity.
Hay fever – Emotional congestion. Guilt. A belief in persecution. A fear of the calendar.
Headaches – Invalidating the self. Self-criticism. Fear.
Infection – Irritation. Anger. Annoyance.
Inflammation – Fear. Seeing red. Inflamed thinking.
Influenza (Flu) – Response to mass negativity and beliefs. Fear
Jaundice – Internal and external prejudice. Unbalanced reason.
Motion sickness – Fear of not being in control.
Nail bitting – Frustration. Eating away at the self. Spite of a parent.
Nose bleeds – A need for recognition. Feeling unwanted and unrecognised. Crying for love.
Stuttering – Insecurity. Lack of self-expression. Not being allowed to cry.

"Sorry, your baby has asthma, I guess it just doesn't want to be here because it's afraid of life?"

pls map illnesses to reasons for admission
http://images.dangerousminds.net/uploads/images/inasnejgjgjgjjgjhg.jpg

Eye problems – Not wanting to see what is going on in the family.

this is like some stone age/sympathetic magic level shit

I don't want to even address that shit seriously but even if you believed in it couldn't you see how simplistic it is? Fevers are the manifestation of anger, because they both involve "burning up." Come on. Use your imagination at least.

Accidents = pee/poop accidents or all accidents?

Babies give themselves asthma by being scared little babies. COWBOY UP LITTLE BABIES if you want to breathe! xp

Well "bedwetting" is separate so I guess just like any accident?
xpost

I also like how "childhood diseases" is somehow separate from the rest of these, including colic.

In summary, Louise L. Hay did not work very hard on that list.

Childhood diseases – Childish behaviour in the adults around them.

she should think long and hard about this one

cowboy up, ulysses

A word in defence here of that beautiful ball of fire in the sky we call the sun; the burning star that gives life to everything on planet Earth and, without which, we would not exist.

The sun has such great healing powers that it actually purges anything out of the human body that should not be there, not create a state of disease crisis but sometimes creates a healing crisis in the form of the big C word.

Tabacco and masturbation!

"Your dick smells like smoke!?"

Ceci n'est pas une pipe

"in the form of the big C word."

That was particularly confusing to me because I am a foul mouthed harridan and thought she was referring to "cunt."

you're not dying you just have a healing crisis

maybe the sun is so hot because it's angry all the time. chill out, sun!

I regret starting 'I Regret Eating My Placenta'

lol no I don't, this tangent is amazing

Wait, is the daddy in that xojane article Ethan Hawke?

considering they're vegan, it's more likely to be methane hawke tbh

http://www.today.com/parents/umbilical-cord-burning-modern-moms-embrace-ancient-practice-1D80023427

I feel like, even though I'd probably eat placenta pills if I ever give birth, the only proper response to all of this is

https://41.media.tumblr.com/22b09e0817c4cc60236c4d002fea0e9c/tumblr_nl0murJH6o1r73e4ko1_540.png

(I almost just C&P'd that jpeg link into an email to super important high level rich people and oh god am I glad i caught that)

"it’s a way to cherish the moment and get loved ones involved in the milestone for baby and mom."

There are a lot of ways to do this that don't involve an open flame around your newborn but at least nobody is claiming any medical benefits of cord burning. It's just ceremonial and I can't get mad at that, even if I might roll my eyes a lil bit.

No I totally agree. I just find it kind of fascinating that people keep trying to come up with still more things to do with the freaking umbilical cords.