Trans/Genderqueer/Agender/Questioning Thread

Has anyone read Annabel by Kathleen Winter? I just learned about it tonight as part of a Canadian literary event that's going on at the moment, but it sounds like something people here might be interested in. I'm hoping to get the chance to squeeze it in between semesters.

http://www.cbc.ca/books/canadareads/sarah-gadon-defends-annabel-by-kathleen-winter.html

just ordered the book, thanks for the suggestion.

OK, I take it back. Because I have now witnessed a non-binary dude basically throwing a hissy fit because an International Women's Day event featured depictions of vaginas.

And this is one of those moments where big words like "intersectionality" stop being just words and start being this big ugly knot of emotions which are, admittedly, too complicated and thorny for the level of discourse on ILX/the internet. But there's a bundle of sympathies which come from "being a non-binary person" and there's a bundle of sympathies which come from "having a vagina and all the ways in which you are treated as if this *means* something, and all the ways in which other people try to control and police the uses and even the expression of your own vagina" and I just want to turn around to this person and just say "You know what? NO."

But this is not shit that I am ever going to change their mind on. And this is where I need to just follow mine own advice and use the block button, that is what it is there for.

But mostly I just wanted to tell mine own self of a few weeks ago, actually, there is no cartoon so over the top that someone will not be behaving like that somewhere. This applies on all sides.

Having a rough couple days where I've been completely consumed with the idea of being a woman. I feel like w/o my gf to reassure me I would have gone completely nuts last night. :/

Hang in there! I don't have any experience in this area but would it be okay to say, ride the feelings out: it's not your sanity that's straining, it's the lessons we learn too well. So well that unlearning them is a trauma...maybe even...a birthing? This is over-reaching even for me but I feel like you have the sense and self-knowledge to steer yourself through!

<3 to Rev. You are a great person.

I know these feelings can be really scary and vertiginous, but in orbit is right. I hope you can have faith in yourself, and open up to the people you're comfortable talking to. I find dysphoria can be much scarier when it goes unexpressed.

I think about being born and giving birth a lot, for reals and as metaphors for change and renewal, and it strikes me that giving birth to yourself could be...an intensely womanly act? I can't actually unpack that, but I had that stray thought.

Dunno if this will be helpful to you, but it is to me: when I get in those overwhelming "can't cope" moments (days/weeks/etc) my therapist has these ways of stepping back and getting perspective. And she usually asks really deceptively simple questions. One of them is "What do you feel right now?" as in, not the big, tumultuous emotional BLLAARRRGGHH but actually a physical kind of sense check, am I hot, cold, hungry, drunk, lonely where is the physical lump that is me, at? The other, which I think might be more helpful in this case, is when she asks "tell me, what do you need right now?"

That's a much harder question for me, because either I need such intangible or impossible things - "I need to have been born and raised, as a man, and have been treated as one my whole life" is not an achievable goal, and I can't *need* something that's impossible. But I can *need* other things. I can *need* someone external to agree with me "this is real, your emotions are real, your observations are true, your statements about the inside of your head are drawn from the truth of your experience." Sometimes working out what you actually need, at a more base level, can give you something to pull you through that sense of going crazy?

Really feel like the blind leading the blind here, though, and I'm sorry if none of that is helpful, which it admittedly probably isn't.

A discussion of North American trans women's writing, which also touches on the reception of Annabel (mentioned upthread): http://cwila.com/wordpress/trans-womens-lit-an-interview-with-trish-salah-and-casey-plett/

I posted this in the Against Me! thread but worth crossposting here: http://youngist.org/post/77692828622/laura-jane-grace-crucified-trans-woman#.Uwtm0w1Gs_4.twitter

Really feeling this:

http://mediadiversified.org/2014/03/17/first-boi-in-dressing-queer-in-the-corporate-world/

Nice! I felt fortunate that the last time I worked a corporate dress code job, it involved having to lift 50 lb objects over my head, so I basically had to adhere to the male dress code, because forcing employees to do this while wearing heels would result in a lot of workplace injuries and/or sexual discrimination suits.

Some legislative progress in Maryland:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/md-politics/md-lawmakers-pass-legislation-banning-discrimination-against-transgender-people/2014/03/27/c455b43a-b5e8-11e3-8cb6-284052554d74_story.html

yayyy

the trans student i mentioned upthread competed in debate yesterday and did great for her first time and had fun!!!

she has/had a lot of anxiety and she OVERCAME, it was wonderful!

Hi! How is everyone doing? I'm doing great! I've been pushing my gender presentation more and more toward the femme side and now I'm pretty much wearing 90% clothes made for women (except for underwear, I get uncomfortable without the support that boxer-briefs provide) and the reaction I've been getting has been 95% positive. :)

I'm thinking about getting microbraid extensions so I can have long hair, maybe with an undercut on one side? Also I've started shaving my face regularly and I need to learn more about makeup.

Hope you're all well!

That's awesome, Rev! I'm really happy for you. I'm in a weird space, myself, where almost all of the important people in my life know that I intend to transition and some of them are already using my preferred name and pronouns, but I haven't really started presenting in a more femme way, and am not really sure yet where to start. I'm considerably more at peace with myself than when I started posting in this thread, though. I'll join you in wishing everyone well!

mentioned this in the 77 teacher thread, but i asked my trans student if he wanted to be called a different name and he said yes and i am calling him that name now (and sir and him and he) and it feels p special

That's great, m bison! I'm really glad he's had your support, especially if his family isn't accepting.

xxp: Yeah, I've been kind of doing the opposite and openly changing my presentation in front of everyone while only really stopping to explain myself if asked other than a few confidants. On the other hand, I've started to reverting to introducing myself by my more feminine middle name which I was known by as a kid, rather than the more masculine first name I started going by in HS.

This gets a bit confused though, because I decided I'd continue to use my first name at work for simplicity's sake, but then I work for the tiny LGBTQ services component within a larger organization and it's like the other day I was tabling for them at a transgender film festival and I felt forced to use the name on my work materials I was handing out exactly when I would most like to use the other name. :/

(also btw, I bought my first pair of heels today and they're thiiiiiiiis cute)

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BnaHl--CUAAz9AD.jpg

the rest of my outfit today (which I wore at work and to see my dad, since my sister apparently absconded my mom to the mountains without telling me and I wasn't able to see her on mothers day even tho I went to visit her, heh) although I wore flats, rather than the heels

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BnZaW1qCEAEnzD5.jpg

jic you miss it, make sure u peep my <3 earring

Yeah, names are tricky for me right now too; I still mostly introduce myself with my birth name when I don't feel like talking about being trans with people I've just met, which feels like backsliding, but hopefully that will change when I have a better sense of what I want to do with presentation. <3 the <3 earring, and the pattern of your heels seems to go really well with that of your jacket.

you look fly as fuck!

:)

so Justin Bond had some words on Facebook for the LGBT Word Police:

A Missive to My Community: I'm writing this because I want to be very clear on where I come down on the recent controversies around the language issues with regards to our trans-narratives. I've been an advocate for finding new, inclusive, thoughtful and evolved language for those of us in the trans and gender non-conforming communities for some time now. Therefore I feel personally compelled to weigh in on these latest dramas that are really annoying the shit out of me. In my opinion there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with Heklina changing the name of Trannyshack in an effort to "rebrand" her legendarily inclusive, irreverent celebration of Queer fabulousness. But keep in mind that the reason she has "evolved" is because she's been forced to due to harassment from a group of people who have decided that instead of learning from our queer history of re-appropriating, owning, and disempowering words that ACCURATELY DESCRIBE WHO AND WHAT WE ARE -instead of taking those words that are sometimes used to hurt us by those who WILL HATE US NO MATTER WHAT and making them a part of what makes us wonderful, a small group of vocal "queers" has decided it's better pursue a shame-based agenda. Therefore, it seems, Heklina has decided it's easier to "rebrand" her party to avoid any more grief. That's her decision and I applaud her for doing what she feels she needs to do. It still makes me sad. I also think there was nothing wrong with the whimsical "Female or Shemale" game played on RuPaul's Drag Race -especially because the contestants couldn't even tell the difference. Hello! That's revolutionary!!! Not to mention the amazing talent displayed later in the episode by the transgender artists on the show which has now been pulled from the air. So. In lieu of standing up to the haters who seek to diminish us and our accomplishments and standing UNITED IN PRIDE IN OUR DIVERSITY these thoughtless "word police" instead go on the attack and achieve easy victories by harassing, silencing and shaming members of their own community and the allies who are thoughtful and sensitive enough to the reasons and feelings behind their anger that they are willing to listen and -as usual, blame themselves and make the changes because it's just EASIER to "evolve" back into silent, bullied shame. What they fail to recognize is that by banishing the use of the word TRANNY they will not be getting rid of the transphobia of those who use it in a negative way. What it does do is steal a joyous and hard-won identity from those of us who are and have been perfectly comfortable, if not delighted to BE TRANNIES, but the fact is WE ARE NOT GOING AWAY. In case you didn't know it WE'RE TOUGH! A reality check, if people think you are a tranny it's because you are perceived as one. OWN IT! If they think that's a bad thing then THEY ARE STUPID! If you don't wish to own that word or any other word used to describe you other than "male" or "female" then I hope you are privileged enough to have been born with an appearance that will allow you to disappear into the passing world or that you or your generous, supportive family are able to afford the procedures which will make it possible for you to pass within the gender binary system you are catering your demands to. If you're capable of doing that then GO ON AND DISAPPEAR INTO THE PASSING WORLD! Otherwise quit using your big, privileged -yet ignorant- mouths to make the words used to describe who we are a shameful thing. It is not shameful to be a tranny, a she-male, or any other word used to desctibe a gender variant individual. It's shameful to harass people for being comfortable with who they are and the words they choose to use to describe themselves when you aren't. That is my opinion on this ridicuous subject. As you can tell I'm angered by this trifling bullshit. We should be working on unifying our community and getting ourselves basic protections under the law. If everyone who is expending so much time and energy harassing their sisters about this word would harass their elected officials with the same amount of verve and fervor we'd be on the way to a much more trans-inclusive society. These words were written in love and anger.

Mx Bond

As a brief counterpoint, Red Durkin on sexual assault and the ambiguities of the language debates v is alluding to: https://www.facebook.com/reddurkin/posts/10152428660888599

Do we really have to have the argument about the right to *self*-identify however a person damn well wants, vs the right of people who are called that epithet in anger, objecting to outsiders who are not part of that group throwing that term around?

Because I feel like ILX and indeed the whole internet has really already covered this in depth.

One would hope so, but the debate goes tediously on.

In more consequential news in the US, Medicare's blanket exclusion of coverage for transition-related procedures has been overturned, although the ruling doesn't affect Medicaid or private insurance plans: http://transequality.org/news.html#Medicare2014

xp - some of the people using that term are not outsiders! That is the crux of the complexity of the issue

http://www.lgbtsr.org/2014/05/30/the-truth-about-trans-slurs/

If we are looking at the use of trans* slurs through the lens that says people should be strong enough to stand up for themselves, that this is just a joke and people shouldn’t take it seriously, we are casting aside those people who are not strong enough. We have chosen strength as a measure of worth. Is that not the same exact choice that is made by bullies? Have we not, ourselves, become bullies to the ones who are harmed by the use of words like tranny and shemale?

Do you think in the last year that no gay teenagers took their own lives because they were repeatedly referred to as fags; that no young trans* person ended their life because someone was calling them tranny? Should I consider these tragedies to be unimportant? Is someone’s life less valuable because they are harmed by words that we don’t find personally offensive?

In happier news, my band's playing our local TransPride fundraiser in July.

Justin Bond, I am sad to say, can go kick rocks.

*sigh*

I saw a very insightful post somewhere else on the internet talking about how a lot of these debates break down to the intractable differences between "gay culture" incubated in gay bars and "queer culture" incubated in feminist spaces.

My blanket assumption in these cases (and certainly in this one in particular) is that gay male culture is always wrong.

I've talked with a couple friends who do drag and they're just adamant in defense of the t-word as Mx. Bond and also to a few transgender friends who find this defense totally unconscionable and all I know is I'm more worried about the safety my friends who are perceived as trans people anywhere and everywhere they go than the rights of people who are seen as cis men 98% of their time to talk like assholes.

Another Obama admin thing that came down the pike a little while back, using Title IX to protect the rights of trans students:

http://www.msnbc.com/msnbc/transgender-students-protected-under-title-ix

To be fair, I've never felt comfortable in gay bars. Plus I'm still smarting from an incident last weekend where I was with a group of about 12 queer people of color, and we were effectively all kicked out of a gay bar after a white drag performer did an act based on offensive caricatures of black women and a couple members of our group tried to confront them about it.

ugh one of my gay friends (white) is rly into this online drag dude who str8 up in blackface and ive confronted him about this and he's basically like "oh its ok he's gay" smh

every time a young white cis gay man complains about feeling alienated from the gay community b/c they're not effeminate or w/e

something should happen. maybe just we all take a shot

It's just really frustrating and annoying how, whenever there is a dialogue within a community about whether it's possible / desirable / whatever to reclaim slurs (which is an interesting and laudable debate to have) it invariably means that a bunch of people outside that community will *use* that debate as a justification or excuse as to why it's ~perfectly OK~ for them to go on using that slur. (Let's not play games about what prompted the revive of this thread here.)

I dunno; my thought is almost always... if a group of marginalised people have got together and said "hey, this usage is offensive, please could you think about your language" my response is not to stop using the term because "OMG people might get ~offended~" but because of what continuing to use that term would say about *me*. It's like announcing in 24 point bold comic sans "I am an insensitive douchebag who thinks my right to LOLs is more important than other people's right to feel safe in their own skin". If that's the message you wanna give out, then go ahead, but be aware you're sending it. And it's never about the *word*, it's about the knot of beliefs and prejudices that power the word. Both of the tools used (both 1. asking people to think about their language before throwing slurs around and 2. people of the in-group using that term in reclamation) are addressed at the concept-knot, rather than the word. Saying "oh, other people use it, so it's *fine* for me to go on using it wherever, whenever" is a blank refusal to even look at their own concept-knot. Which is a double dick move, as far as I'm concerned.

The distinction between Drag and Trans is one of those thorny, knotted areas. They are two things that are not necessarily coming from the same place, and one group does not get to speak for the other group. I agree with Rev, that in terms of intersectionality, cis men who perform in drag occasionally are way up the fucking privilege hill from trans people who live their lives in danger 100% of the time, so they can STFU and find another word.

There's a long history of feminists Problematising Drag, and debating it. (This has contributed to the tension between Rad-Fems and trans people, due to a conflation of the problems of Drag with trans people.) It is not a settled question, by any means. Is Drag good, because it is queering gender, and smearing boundaries, and attacking heteronormative ideas of what it means to be female or male? Is Drag bad because it reinforces and perpetuates grotesque stereotypes of "femininity"? (Then again, can even "grotesque stereotypes", when used in a clever way, help to dismantle the gender binary? Maybe.) There have been some feminists who have argued that Drag in itself is the ~gender equivalent of Blackface~, and is therefore inherently offensive, even before bringing *actual* Blackface into it. (I don't agree, but I think they do raise interesting points that are worth addressing. "Problematising" does mean discussing the problems with, and whether they can be outweighed or resolved, *not* just outright "Condemning".)

But, still, Drag is not the same thing as being Trans at all, and when ~dudes who do drag~ try to speak for or indeed over Trans Women, I really think they need to take a seat.

'dick move' is a highly offensive sexist term btw

BTW, I mean, I don't necessarily agree that "drag is (necessarily) the gender equivalent of blackface". Actual blackface remains gross and offensive. Because this is ILX, I do feel I have to clarify that.

I saw a very insightful post somewhere else on the internet talking about how a lot of these debates break down to the intractable differences between "gay culture" incubated in gay bars and "queer culture" incubated in feminist spaces.

My blanket assumption in these cases (and certainly in this one in particular) is that gay male culture is always wrong.

― pugger pugger (benson) (The Reverend), Sunday, June 1, 2014 12:06 AM (8 hours ago)

If this is a post you can link to, as opposed to something that happened in passing on ILX, I would very much appreciate it if you could find it. Because this is basically the history of ~my problems and conflicts over sexuality and gender since the age of 15~ in a fucking nutshell. If I'd encountered "queer culture" as incubated in Feminist Spaces at the age of 15, instead of "gay culture" as incubated in gay bars, my life might have taken a very different shape. But I'm not even sure it had been invented at that point in the 80s.

I dunno; my thought is almost always... if a group of marginalised people have got together and said "hey, this usage is offensive, please could you think about your language" my response is not to stop using the term because "OMG people might get ~offended~" but because of what continuing to use that term would say about *me*. It's like announcing in 24 point bold comic sans "I am an insensitive douchebag who thinks my right to LOLs is more important than other people's right to feel safe in their own skin". If that's the message you wanna give out, then go ahead, but be aware you're sending it. And it's never about the *word*, it's about the knot of beliefs and prejudices that power the word. Both of the tools used (both 1. asking people to think about their language before throwing slurs around and 2. people of the in-group using that term in reclamation) are addressed at the concept-knot, rather than the word. Saying "oh, other people use it, so it's *fine* for me to go on using it wherever, whenever" is a blank refusal to even look at their own concept-knot. Which is a double dick move, as far as I'm concerned.

― Branwell with an N, Sunday, June 1, 2014 1:39 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

This all otm, and honestly I've never cared for drag at all for a lot of reasons including the ones you decribe.

Subpost: Y'know, every time I pick up yet another yappy-headed little dude intent on chasing me creepily from thread to thread, hollering his little hate-crush at me, I realise that I am more and more fiiiiiine with it, if my language happens to represent me to them as a ~Misandrist~.