Did you guys hear Björk's re-releasing video art versions of all her records? No, really! She brought her husband into the studio to cremaster the original tapes!
― queen bey backers (Stevie D(eux)), Tuesday, January 21, 2014 9:46 PM (1 month ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
I laughed!
― espring (amateurist), Thursday, 13 March 2014 22:00 (ten years ago) link
that's a 1%er if I ever heard one though
koogs I wholly approve of that one
― james franco tur(oll)ing test (Hurting 2), Friday, 14 March 2014 02:40 (ten years ago) link
Why didn't the grim reaper have to try out his blade before he purchased it?
Because it was one-scythe-fits-all.
― james franco tur(oll)ing test (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 18 March 2014 18:54 (ten years ago) link
haha
― Drop soap, not bombs (Ste), Tuesday, 18 March 2014 21:24 (ten years ago) link
Did you hear about the construction worker who became a deconstruction worker?He's now working for De Man
― 1 pONO 3v3Ry+h1n G!!!1 (dog latin), Thursday, 20 March 2014 14:33 (ten years ago) link
What did the sausage say to the scrambled egg?
"That guy's toast."
― dinnerboat, Thursday, 20 March 2014 17:49 (ten years ago) link
That's great!
― she started dancing to that (Finefinemusic), Friday, 21 March 2014 02:57 (ten years ago) link
Sorry:
Why did the black coffee dump his girlfriend?Because she was a flat white.
― dinnerboat, Friday, 21 March 2014 21:05 (ten years ago) link
Did you guys hear about the condor that signed with the Heat? He's taking his talons to Miami.
― Doritos Loco Parentis (Hurting 2), Monday, 28 April 2014 19:30 (ten years ago) link
err South Beach. D'oh.
― Doritos Loco Parentis (Hurting 2), Monday, 28 April 2014 20:32 (ten years ago) link
was his idol growing up Larry BIRD?
― Philip Nunez, Monday, 28 April 2014 20:35 (ten years ago) link
why would a bird sign with a professional basketball team? idgi.
― the glimmer man (Sufjan Grafton), Monday, 28 April 2014 22:39 (ten years ago) link
Did you guys hear about Lady Justice signing with the Heat? She's taking her balance to South Beach.
― the glimmer man (Sufjan Grafton), Monday, 28 April 2014 22:46 (ten years ago) link
Did you guys hear about Highlights Magazine signing with the Heat? They're taking their Gallants to South Beach.
― the glimmer man (Sufjan Grafton), Monday, 28 April 2014 22:47 (ten years ago) link
― the glimmer man (Sufjan Grafton), Monday, April 28, 2014 5:39 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
Maybe he's signing with New Orleans?
― pplains, Tuesday, 29 April 2014 00:33 (ten years ago) link
because birds love beignets. i get it.
― the glimmer man (Sufjan Grafton), Tuesday, 29 April 2014 00:39 (ten years ago) link
Today in the office lunchroom we were talking about legal marijuana, and I got some laughs for my suggestion of a marijuana shop and all-you-can-eat buffet called "Weed 'n' Feed" -- one of those jokes that was not actually hilarious but hit the spot in the context in an office lunchroom humor sort of way.
Then the dude sitting next to me goes "How about an all mac-and-cheese buffet called 'Mac 'n' Please'" Pindrop silence.
― Doritos Loco Parentis (Hurting 2), Thursday, 8 May 2014 18:17 (ten years ago) link
Came up with two. Have only said one of them out loud.
• I have always noticed this, but today it finally struck me that my dentist's office - located on a busy state highway next to a Schlotzsky's sandwich shop - has a brass sign out front denoting the building's distinguished status as being listed on the National Historic Places Registry.
So I told my dental hygenist, "Hey, I know how to refer my friends here! If you want to see pplains' dentist, just look for the plaque out front!"
She's been married for forty years, so I got one of those laughs.
• And this one I thought of the other night: "When it comes to texting, I'm all thumbs."
― pplains, Thursday, 8 May 2014 18:24 (ten years ago) link
That dentist joke is gold.
― ▴▲ ▴TH3CR()$BY$H()W▴▲ ▴ (Adam Bruneau), Thursday, 8 May 2014 18:46 (ten years ago) link
Mac 'n' Please sounds like a real place!
― ▴▲ ▴TH3CR()$BY$H()W▴▲ ▴ (Adam Bruneau), Thursday, 8 May 2014 18:47 (ten years ago) link
More to the point, it doesn't sound like a joke?
― Doritos Loco Parentis (Hurting 2), Thursday, 8 May 2014 19:00 (ten years ago) link
It definitely does. People say that kind of stuff all the time in TV comedies.
― ▴▲ ▴TH3CR()$BY$H()W▴▲ ▴ (Adam Bruneau), Thursday, 8 May 2014 19:04 (ten years ago) link
It has a Liz Lemon quality to it.
― ▴▲ ▴TH3CR()$BY$H()W▴▲ ▴ (Adam Bruneau), Thursday, 8 May 2014 19:09 (ten years ago) link
Which Southern Rock band is most popular on the chitlin circuit?
Ynyrds Dynyrd
― Kwotch Pawasites - Wrong Or Right (wins), Saturday, 24 May 2014 08:43 (ten years ago) link
(Pron. Inn-ards Dinn-er'd)
what did lionel richie say when he learned treeship was a fan of the album "the velvet underground and nico"?
treezy likes "sunday morning"
― estela, Saturday, 24 May 2014 09:58 (ten years ago) link
used to have faith in estelas puns, but no more
― the only thing worse than being tweeted about (darraghmac), Saturday, 24 May 2014 12:19 (ten years ago) link
I want to come up with a yakov smirnov twitter joke, something along the lines of "In my country, big time celebrity follows you!"
― Doritos Loco Parentis (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 27 May 2014 23:05 (ten years ago) link
"In my country, KGB follows you on twitter"
"In my country, Kardashians watch you!"
Nope, I'm going to hand it back over now.
― pplains, Wednesday, 28 May 2014 00:24 (ten years ago) link
In america, kardashian writes in 140 characters a line.In my country, 140 characters wait in line for toilet paper.
― Philip Nunez, Wednesday, 28 May 2014 02:16 (ten years ago) link
In my big country, you stay with dreams like a lover's voice fires the mountainside.
― Funk autocorrect (cryptosicko), Wednesday, 28 May 2014 03:08 (ten years ago) link
comedy sketch idea #238479: torturer trying to use an e-cigarette
― koogs, Saturday, 31 May 2014 16:47 (ten years ago) link
Like on his victim?
― pplains, Saturday, 31 May 2014 19:16 (ten years ago) link
yes.
― koogs, Saturday, 31 May 2014 19:28 (ten years ago) link
a torturer trying to smoke an e-cigarette on his break but failing because he's old school as established by his old school torturing techniques
― the glimmer man (Sufjan Grafton), Saturday, 31 May 2014 19:45 (ten years ago) link
Boss: What the hell are you doing?Torturer Henchman: Eh, sorry boss, but ah, we're within 100 feet of the entrance to a public school. According to local ordinance no. 524--Boss: SHADDUP, YOU IDIOT!
― Doritos Loco Parentis (Hurting 2), Saturday, 31 May 2014 19:54 (ten years ago) link
~* Inside the Writer's Room *~
― the glimmer man (Sufjan Grafton), Saturday, 31 May 2014 20:06 (ten years ago) link
of a cancelled show
Did you hear about the locavore duo whose fried chicken restaurant ousted KFC? It was called Terroir Couple Kill Colonel.
― just like the one wing dove (Crabbits), Saturday, 31 May 2014 21:03 (ten years ago) link
TORTURER: So you won't talk, huh?
VICTIM: OW! What was that? Your ink pen?
TORTURER: [ Thumbs thru Handbook ] No, I'm, um, putting my cigarette out on you wait.
VICTIM: Haha, what? You're supposed to use a cigarette not an e-cigarette. Can't wait to see what kind of battery jumper cables you've got back there.
ASSISTANT holds up white ipod cord plugged into wall with a shrug. TORTURER does "cut throat" motion at him. ASSISTANT holds up Harry Potter scarf?
― pplains, Saturday, 31 May 2014 23:46 (ten years ago) link
"You idiot, I said get sodium AMYTAL, not sodium CHLORIDE!"
― Doritos Loco Parentis (Hurting 2), Saturday, 31 May 2014 23:55 (ten years ago) link
TORTURER: I don't get it, we've been waterboarding him for an hour, and he still hasn't given us anything.
ASSISTANT: Want to give it some more time?
TORTURER: [ ''lights'' ''cigarette''] Yeah, but just one more time to the buoys and back.
ASSISTANT revs throttle.
VICTIM: Hey! Let's go by that cove again! Saw some chicks in bikinis!
― pplains, Sunday, 1 June 2014 00:05 (ten years ago) link
I am enjoying this
― Doritos Loco Parentis (Hurting 2), Sunday, 1 June 2014 16:59 (ten years ago) link
Yeah that's a good un
― now I'm the grandfather (dog latin), Sunday, 1 June 2014 17:10 (ten years ago) link
Knock KnockWho's there?SubaruSubaru who?Oh no, why are you crying?
― how's life, Saturday, 12 July 2014 12:03 (ten years ago) link
a fun twist on a classic!
― chikungunya manatee (Sufjan Grafton), Saturday, 12 July 2014 16:23 (ten years ago) link
you guys know the main ingredient in fish cakes? all porpoise flour.
― moonstone (soda), Sunday, 27 July 2014 19:16 (ten years ago) link
A porpoise is a goddam mammal
― 龜, Sunday, 27 July 2014 19:40 (ten years ago) link