Homemade Jokes

Did you guys hear about Highlights Magazine signing with the Heat? They're taking their Gallants to South Beach.

why would a bird sign with a professional basketball team? idgi.

― the glimmer man (Sufjan Grafton), Monday, April 28, 2014 5:39 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Maybe he's signing with New Orleans?

because birds love beignets. i get it.

Today in the office lunchroom we were talking about legal marijuana, and I got some laughs for my suggestion of a marijuana shop and all-you-can-eat buffet called "Weed 'n' Feed" -- one of those jokes that was not actually hilarious but hit the spot in the context in an office lunchroom humor sort of way.

Then the dude sitting next to me goes "How about an all mac-and-cheese buffet called 'Mac 'n' Please'" Pindrop silence.

Came up with two. Have only said one of them out loud.

• I have always noticed this, but today it finally struck me that my dentist's office - located on a busy state highway next to a Schlotzsky's sandwich shop - has a brass sign out front denoting the building's distinguished status as being listed on the National Historic Places Registry.

So I told my dental hygenist, "Hey, I know how to refer my friends here! If you want to see pplains' dentist, just look for the plaque out front!"

She's been married for forty years, so I got one of those laughs.

• And this one I thought of the other night: "When it comes to texting, I'm all thumbs."

That dentist joke is gold.

Mac 'n' Please sounds like a real place!

More to the point, it doesn't sound like a joke?

It definitely does. People say that kind of stuff all the time in TV comedies.

It has a Liz Lemon quality to it.

Which Southern Rock band is most popular on the chitlin circuit?

Ynyrds Dynyrd

(Pron. Inn-ards Dinn-er'd)

what did lionel richie say when he learned treeship was a fan of the album "the velvet underground and nico"?

treezy likes "sunday morning"

used to have faith in estelas puns, but no more

I want to come up with a yakov smirnov twitter joke, something along the lines of "In my country, big time celebrity follows you!"

"In my country, KGB follows you on twitter"

"In my country, Kardashians watch you!"

Nope, I'm going to hand it back over now.

In america, kardashian writes in 140 characters a line.
In my country, 140 characters wait in line for toilet paper.

In my big country, you stay with dreams like a lover's voice fires the mountainside.

comedy sketch idea #238479: torturer trying to use an e-cigarette

Like on his victim?

yes.

a torturer trying to smoke an e-cigarette on his break but failing because he's old school as established by his old school torturing techniques

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Torturer Henchman: Eh, sorry boss, but ah, we're within 100 feet of the entrance to a public school. According to local ordinance no. 524--
Boss: SHADDUP, YOU IDIOT!

~* Inside the Writer's Room *~

of a cancelled show

Did you hear about the locavore duo whose fried chicken restaurant ousted KFC? It was called Terroir Couple Kill Colonel.

TORTURER: So you won't talk, huh?

VICTIM: OW! What was that? Your ink pen?

TORTURER: [ Thumbs thru Handbook ] No, I'm, um, putting my cigarette out on you wait.

VICTIM: Haha, what? You're supposed to use a cigarette not an e-cigarette. Can't wait to see what kind of battery jumper cables you've got back there.

ASSISTANT holds up white ipod cord plugged into wall with a shrug. TORTURER does "cut throat" motion at him. ASSISTANT holds up Harry Potter scarf?

"You idiot, I said get sodium AMYTAL, not sodium CHLORIDE!"

TORTURER: I don't get it, we've been waterboarding him for an hour, and he still hasn't given us anything.

ASSISTANT: Want to give it some more time?

TORTURER: [ ''lights'' ''cigarette''] Yeah, but just one more time to the buoys and back.

ASSISTANT revs throttle.

VICTIM: Hey! Let's go by that cove again! Saw some chicks in bikinis!

I am enjoying this

Yeah that's a good un

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Subaru
Subaru who?
Oh no, why are you crying?

a fun twist on a classic!

you guys know the main ingredient in fish cakes? all porpoise flour.

A porpoise is a goddam mammal

you are one pedantic amphibian, friendo

The flour is not made of porpoises, but for porpoises u peasant.

more like jomade hokes

DMC: was at that stats seminar today. trinity prof and Oxford equivalent all day back and forth with "hilarious" "bantz" in re lm functions etc
JMC: they were co-medians

Yves Klein walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey Yves, why so blue?"

Mark Rothko walks into a color bar

heheyyyyyy

Q: What is an art dealer's favorite place to go to the beach?
A: Gagosian City, NJ!

What did Samuel Adams's penis say to Samuel Adams's scrotum?

"Tote Sam A's balls!" (That is a thing that dicks say)

stand by jmcs pun a few weeks back

There's this weird new pornographic doll for sale that masturbates whenever you put sunglasses on it. The best part is that it comes in a lot of different shades.

That makes it sound like it is using the sunglasses to achieve or obtain the results of orgasm. OTOH if this phenotypically diverse fuck doll reverses the results of the Clark doll test, well – that's wonderful.

Did you hear about the hobo stew that makes you see God?

I tell ya, you would find it in tins.

Did you know people who use the metric system can challenge their vertigo by exploring different levels of hyperspace?

That system is in tens.